Ashley Johnson's speech
Thank you Mr President.
As a testament to Liam's character, and judge of thereof, he has chosen me as his vice president in his campaign. To say I'm honoured would be an understatement of my own achievements so I will just say you're welcome. As Liam's running mate it is only fitting that I drop some running hate.
To the people of this great land, this man offers you not only himself, but myself. And what it myself? Well I can tell you what myself is not, and myself is not an alcoholic. Friends, people, voters, we all watched this week's Talks Machina where my running mate's opponent came out in favour of alcoholism. Alcoholism? What is this? 1956? What, do you go home and watch Mad Men at night and pretend that's how the world still is?
Do you want a candidate with the lily-white hands of a man who has never worked a day in his life? Or, someone with hands so seasoned and robust, you both imagine them tucking you in at night and strangling your enemies at the same time.
There are real issues on the table with this election. Are the people supposed to rally behind a guy who looks like a donkey wearing a Jeff Goldblum mask? Or! Or a tried and true man of the people, with a smile that doesn't make you want to drown yourself in hot goat piss. Oh! And, this third party candidate, Arsequeef? Just wants to sleep with my fiance and my running mate.
Right now, yes, we are ahead in the polls, but we may not always have this delicious of a lead, but lesbihonest, polls are meant to be ridden.
Only one person, and that person's recently announced running mate can bring order and structure to the world once more. Those two people that I'm talking about are Liam and myself, just to be clear.
So this year #VoteWithYourJohnson. And vote O'Brien for president.
And that is all I have to say.
