Yeah, I'm just a hot dog vendor, whatsitmatter to you anyway?
Hey, hey, now, settle down. I didn't mean anything, just take it easy.
Here's your dog, extra relish. Seriously I don't understand you kids with your relish. My daughter puts ketchup on everything. Even mashed potatoes. Who even does that? We live in New York, not Minnesota. Musta been some thing she saw on tv. She watches too much tv. Her teachers tell me that every time. She watches too much tv and I say to them, what else is she supposed to do? Huh?
Slow down kid, your food's not going anywhere.
You're a college kid, right? Eh, close enough. Sure that's a job, not a good one. Of course I know what a good job is. I own my own business, you see here. Besides, I bet it doesn't pay much and no bennies.
Thought so. Listen, you seem alright, letting me go on my kid. Why don't you go over to Nick's, say Tony sent ya.
What do you mean you don't know Nicks? Everybody knows Nick's. You go down four blocks and take a left, take another four blocks, take another left, then 'nother four blocks and a left.
No I'm not pulling your leg here. No, seriously, what do you take me for? Some kind of mutant trickster? No, don't quote me on that, I don't know know nothin', Anyway you wanna know about a place to get good food or do you want to argue semantics?
So where was I? Right, you turn left, and look for the sign that says 'Food'. Seriously, stop that. Here have another dog. Yeah, yeah, extra relish.
So Nick's. Well, it's sort of hard to describe inside. I've only been there a couple of times myself. I've got my own business to run. What was that? I run a good business, it's just slow right now. Anyway, it's a diner.
Of course it's a diner. What did you think it was?
What kind of superhero would name their place Nick's? Huh? Even those whatmacallit the nazi ninjas, HYDRA or whatever, wouldn't name something Nick's. Geez kid. Don't you know anything?
Huh, oh right, right, the inside. It's a diner. What more do you want? I don't have the blueprints in my cart. Okay, okay, don't get so huffy. It's nice. Booths around the big walls, a couple of tables here and there. Nice lighting. The counter-top is clean. A pretty slick tip jar next to the register, slick enough to never be empty. Wish I knew that trick. There's a bit of window where you can see the kitchen and sometimes the cook. You know, the usual diner style.
I dunno who the cook is. Why are you asking me that? I just go there. But there's two things you gotta know about the place. One, is that there's only three things on the menu. Coffee, Hamburger, and the Chef's Choice.
Don't give me that face, you're eating a hotdog, without any mustard. No I'm not giving you another one. Do I look like I'm made out of money?
Anyway, the coffee is good and the burger isn't too bad but the Chef's Choice. Now that's always doozy. It varies from day to day, even from person to person. I heard that fishyking, Neron, Nimrod, Namor, whatever, was served a dead fish when he ordered it. And the one time they served Chimmichangas, even Deadpool showed up. Yeah, I know, Deadpool.
Always worth it though, absolutely. Man, when I went there I had the best goddamn Philly Cheesesteak outside of Philly.
Oh right, the other thing. The second thing is the Wall of Rules. Actually, it just says 'rules' and it covers the entire wall. You get it now?
Sure you can take a photo of it, go wild for all I care. As far as I know that's not one of the rules, but there's a lot of them.
Name them? I couldn't name all of them. There's rules like, cash only. Oh right, you have cash right kid? Good, good. Uh, something weird about Deadpool now that I think about it. No talking in third person. Who knows what's that about. I don't know, I don't remember that kind of shit. Anyway, kid, you should get out of the way. I can't be standing out here chatting, there's regular customers coming through-Here you go Mr. Grimm just the way you like it-now amscray ki-fine, Peter, whatever. Also tell your boss to knock it with the thing about Spider-man, he saved my bacon-well my hot dog cart awhile back. And remember, always go left.
First known description of Nick's Diner aka Food, transcribed (more or less) by Peter Parker, photographer, two years before becoming Doctor Parker.
