Jackson sits on the floor with bloody hands and random shit throw around him. He doesn’t know how long he raged, but he finally calmed down. He hated himself. He hated that he scared YN. He thought it was necessary. She didn’t need this shit. She didn’t need this life. He wasn’t going to take her life away.
He finally stands. He inspects his bloody, shaky hands, he needs to clean them up. He goes to the kitchen and grabs the first aid kit. He sees Mark sit at the counter but neither of them speaks. Jackson washes the excess blood off in the sink. It stings but Jackson needs that to bring him back down. He inspects his hands, the middle knuckle of his left hand is flayed, he really wants to shower so he’ll fix his hands after that.
Jackson takes a breath and places his hands on the sides of the sink and stoops his head, “Tell me what to do, hyung.” he doesn’t face his friend as he speaks.
Mark knows if he’s using honorifics, he’s pretty desperate. “Let yourself be happy.”
Jackson shakes his head, “I can’t just ruin her life, Mark.” He says quietly.
Mark stands, “Ask her what she wants.” Then he leaves Jackson to his own thoughts, which he knows isn’t the best idea, but Jackson has to make his own decisions.
Jackson grabs the first aid kit and leaves the kitchen after a while. He goes to the spare room across the hall and finds YN asleep in that bed. He really isn’t surprised. He doesn’t know if she moved there because she knew he would try to sleep there or if she moved there to get away from him. He feels like it’s the former but he’s not sure.
He needs to shower. If he showers in there, he could wake her up and find out for sure why she’s in there. If he showers in his own room, he has to guess. He would rather know for sure, so he showers in the spare room. If she didn’t want to be near him, she would probably go back to his room.
He lets the hot water stream down his body. It’s just hot enough to sting, again to bring him back to reality. He leans against the wall for a while before he washes. He tries not to let his mind go blank, he tries not to let the numbness sink back in. He has to feel. Even if all he feels is anger and self-hatred. He can't go out there to YN if he’s numb. He has to feel. He has to care.
When he gets out, he inspects his hands again. They are very swollen and an angry shade of red, but the bleeding stopped. He disinfects and wraps his left hand. He disinfects his right hand and pinches the skin of his middle knuckle back together and puts a Band-Aid on it so the skin will hold together. He then wraps the rest of his hand.
When he exits the bathroom, YN is sitting up on the bed. “I knew you’d try to come in here.”
So, she was waiting for him. “I was going to give you space.”
“I don’t want space.” She looks up at him with swollen red eyes.
Jackson takes a deep breath and takes Mark’s advice, “What do you want, YN?”
A simple question and a complicated answer. She shakes her head, “I don’t know.” She says quietly. She feels tears threatening to fall again, “I just want to be safe and I don’t want to be alone anymore. I’m all alone, Jax.” Her voice breaks. “I told you Namjoon got my brother killed, he was all I had left. My parents died in a fucking plane crash coming here when I was fifteen.” She rubs her nose and the tears spill down her cheeks, “Yoongi has been dead for two years and I left Namjoon so that meant I left all of them. I had no one else. Now I fucking work two shit ass jobs to pay for my shit ass apartment and my shitty ass life and I hate every second of it.” She bites her lip and rolls her eyes, “Then you show up like a knight in shining fucking armor from some stupid ass fairytale. There’s no fucking reason for you to worry about me but you do. And today you fucking try to push me away and pretend you don’t care, and I don’t understand, Jackson.” She shakes her head and buries her face in her hands, “I just want to stop feeling like my whole life is about to explode any second.” She looks up at him and meets his pretty brown eyes, “I feel better with you.” Jackson looks down and she moves out of the bed and over to him, “Look at me.” Her voice is stern as she steps right in front of him and looks up at him. He continues to avoid her gaze. She places her hands on either of his cheeks and leans her forehead to his, “You don’t have to let me in, but I don’t want to leave. I want to stay with you. I don’t have another life that I care enough to go back to.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying.” His voice is thick from holding back emotions.
She sighs, “I do. I helped Namjoon and his guys out with a few things. I’ll do anything you want, Jax.”
He shakes his head. “No. Go back to being a cranky hardass. Tell me to fuck off.”
She laughs weakly, “Fuck off and let me stay.”
She wants to stay, and Jackson wants to throw himself out the window. He wants to give her the world but not this world. “You’ll always be in danger.”
“I’ll have you to protect me.” She sniffles.
“What if all I want you to do is sit in a big mansion all day and occasionally speak Spanish for me? I’ll buy you anything you want. Cars, jewels, clothes, shoes, anything. And you just sit around and be safe.” He knows she won’t agree.
She chuckles weakly, “That’s boring.”
He wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her into a hug where he can rest his chin on her shoulder. “I want to keep you safe, you want to be safe, being around me is the opposite of safe.”
“I’d rather be with you anyway,” She whispers.
He pulls away and looks down at her. She wants this. She wants him. “We’ll talk more tomorrow. Let’s go to bed.” He bends down and lifts her bridal style and carries her back to his room. She now notices his hands are wrapped but doesn’t say anything. She’s so tired. After the flight and the events of today, it’s a wonder she woke up when she heard Jackson.
He gently places her in the bed, and she falls asleep instantly. Jackson, on the other hand, stays awake for a few minutes longer to look at her. He wants her, she wants him. She’s going to be in a lot of danger being with him. He guesses he’s going to have to make sure everyone knows, if they try anything with her, they will die.
“Cold.” YN murmurs in her sleep then turns over and cuddles into Jackson. “Warm.” She sighs contently. Jackson can’t help the small chuckle that leaves him. He holds her close then falls asleep.
Jackson hasn’t slept so well in years. When he awakes it’s three o’clock in the afternoon, YN is still fast asleep. She’s cuddled up against him with one leg around his hips, an arm around his chest, and her face buried in his neck. He could stay like this forever. She’s fucking hot though, Jackson is sweating his ass off. He throws the blanket off them to try to cool off. She immediately shivers, clings to him tighter, then reaches for the blanket and pulls it back around her. Jackson has no idea how the hell she could be cold.
“Jackson warm.” She murmurs.
Jackson chuckles. She’s so cute. She talks in her sleep. He wonders how much… “YN what do you think about Jackson?”
“Nice.” She cuddles closer again, “Warm.”
Jackson smiles, “Do you want to stay with Jackson?”
She nods, “Mhm. Forever.”
Forever? “Why do you want to stay with Jackson?”
“Want to see him smile. Want to make him happy.” She mumbles.
This answer takes him by surprise. He checks to see if she’s really asleep. It looks like she is but apparently, she’s really good at faking it. He throws the blanket off of her again and she has the same reaction as before. He thinks that means she’s asleep, this time he is correct. He holds her close. She smells like cherry blossoms. “I’m going to try to make you happy.” He whispers. He stays there stroking her hair until she wakes up an hour later.
“Uh… Jax?” She mumbles. He pulls back to look at her. “Why are you hugging me?” Not that she didn’t like it… but he’s never been very touchy-feely with her before, not like this.
He chuckles, “You started it.”
Her eyes go wide, “Oh, sorry. I’m kind of a cuddle monster when I sleep.” She covers her face. Damnit, she forgot about that. She hasn’t slept with anyone in so long.
Jackson’s smile grows wider, “Cuddle monster?” She just groans and turns over to bury her face in the mattress. “I don’t mind.” He realizes now that she has only been wearing a sports bra this whole time. He wants to touch her, he wants to stroke her back. He can't stop himself from acting on this impulse. He gently brushes his bandage covered fingers along her spine. “I haven’t slept that well in a very long time.”
She turns her head to look at him, “You don’t sleep well?” She asks quietly.
“No.” He replied simply.
YN waits for him to elaborate but he doesn’t. “Because you’re busy all the time?” She asks knowing that isn’t the answer.
He looks away from her eyes to his fingers on her back, “Sometimes.”
“Jax.” He looks into her caring eyes, “You don’t have to keep it all in with me.”
He looks away again, “I need more time.” He wants to open up to her, but he can’t be too careful. He saw how she acted with Santos. She learned all that from Namjoon. How can he know this isn’t a play for him? Namjoon might be trying to take him down and using YN to get information from him. Jackson doesn’t have much that can be held against him, but he can’t be perceived as weak. If he tells her about how he has nightmares sometimes about what he does and Namjoon has that ammunition… no one will see him as strong. If anyone outside of his people know about his ADHD and that he needs medication to be the cold, calculating boss he pretends to be, everyone will think he’s a fake. He needs more time to trust her.
She sighs, “Whenever you’re ready.” She smiles softly at him. She knows he’s overthinking but she won’t push him. She shifts so she can brush her fingers through his soft brown hair. She wonders what all goes on in that brain of his. She knows it’s not all sunshine and rainbows in there. She hopes some of it is good.
He didn’t like the worried look in her eyes. “You talk in your sleep.” He changes the subject.
Her eyes go wide again, “I-I do?” She didn’t know that.
He smiles and brushes his fingers along her shoulder, “It’s cute.”
“What did I say?” She gives him a worried look to which he only smirks. She directs her gaze to his hand. She sits up and takes his bandaged hand in hers. “You hurt yourself.” She states as she inspects the gauze. It’s not in place anymore probably because he moved in his sleep. She looks down at him, “You should let me change your gauze and make sure it’s clean.”
She moves to get off the bed, but he catches her and pulls her back down. Then moves to pin her down against the mattress. The act is pure impulse. He needs to take his meds, but right now he just really wants to touch her. “I want to kiss you.” He’s quite proud of himself for restraining himself and not just doing it.
YN feels a rush of adrenaline and arousal flow through her veins, “What’s stopping you?”
Paranoia. “Do you want me to?”
“Please.” She whispers.
He leans down even closer to her. “If I kiss you, that makes you mine. If I kiss you, you’re in this life again. I do ten times the shit Namjoon does. You saw what I did last night, I will do that again.” He looks between her eyes, “So, I ask again, do you want me to?”
She doesn’t need to think about her next words, “I want you.” She looks at him with conviction. He doesn’t move. “Please kiss me.”
He finally kisses her. He kisses her slow, which he hasn’t done since he was a teenager. Since he became the big boss of Asia, all the kissing he did was fast and sloppy, with nameless, faceless women who he used for a quick fuck. This kiss means something to him. This kiss is a caring kiss. He doesn’t drag it out, because he knows he’ll only become addicted and want more of her soft lips. He’s not pushing her yet.
He presses their foreheads together. “We need to get up.” He whispers. He remains there for a moment before moving off of her. He offers her a hand, “You can fix up my hands.”
She’s a little dazed, but she takes his hand and follows him across the hall to the room they were in last night and into the bathroom where he had left the first aid kit last night. Jackson sits on the counter and takes off his bandages. YN inspects his hands and looks up at him with concerned eyes, “Idiot.” She says under her breath. She tries not to look at his drool-worthy body as she takes care of him. “Why a butterfly?” She blurts out when she accidentally stares at the black silhouette on his chest.
“It’s a papillon.” He starts, “Its French for black butterfly. It symbolizes freedom.” He looks at her for a moment and decides to tell her this story. “I didn’t like the way my father ran things before me. When he died, I was able to change everything. I was free to do what I wanted. He did things like assassinations and human trafficking and I didn’t like that, so I ended that.” She looks up at him now that she’s finished wrapping his hands, “I got rid of all his old goons,” He chuckles at the word, but it was accurate. Then he remembers how that went. “I had to kill some of them. The ones who didn’t accept my authority and changes.” He glances at her and hates himself a little less when he doesn’t see judgment or disgust on her face. “My father’s tag was a black rose. Black represents destruction and cruelty and illegality. In China using black is… it matters. The rose grows on a thorny stem which is a symbol of unhappiness and pain. Most people wouldn’t get that tattoo because it’s bad luck, but my dad chose it because that was what he wanted to bring to other people. It was a warning.” He looks at her again and her face is full of sympathy, “I didn’t want to stand for that. Even though black is still not good, the papillon is different. Drugs are bad… but it makes people feel better sometimes, makes them feel free. I also run an escort service.” YN bites her lip now, “All willing participants and they make a lot of money.” He leans down to her, “Sex is also very freeing.” She swallows, smirks, and leans back, “We also do the usual stuff, gambling rings, extortion, the works. We take a lot of money from bad people who don’t deserve it.”
“So, who do you torture and kill?” The words fall out of her mouth.
He bites his lip, “Not many people anymore. Santos is the first real casualty in a long time.” He can't even remember the last time he had anyone tortured until last night. There was never any need after he got rid of all of his dad’s guys. He sees a small smile on YN’s face. “Don’t think I’m not a bad man just because I don’t do things as bad as my father. People overdose on my drugs daily. People get divorced and families have split apart after visiting one of my pleasure hotels or they lose all their money at one of my casinos. My tag is still black like his.”
She gazes at him for a moment, “You don’t scare me, Jackson Wang.” All this talk about freedom and yet he still isn’t free in his heart, she thinks.
You scare me. He thinks. “Can I ask you a question?” Jackson asks, ignoring her comment. She nods. “Did Namjoon make you do stuff like what you did with Santos?”
YN looks away and takes a breath, “Obviously, not quite like that. You know how he uses Jimin to seduce people? I did the same thing.” She pauses for a moment, “I bet you thought Jimin was sent to seduce me that night at the bar.” She laughs humorlessly, “He was sent because Namjoon thought he would actually be able to convince me to go with him. We used to work together back then, we were close.” Jimin was easily her best friend back then. “That doesn’t matter though when they consider you a traitor.”
“Traitor?” Jackson’s eyebrows knit together.
“Yeah.” She laughs humorlessly, “Namjoon decided leaving him was treachery.” There is a long silence as she bites her lip, thinking about how she should explain. “Yoongi didn’t like what I did. He thought I was selling my body…” She pauses again. “I wasn’t, not really. I didn’t sleep with anyone, Namjoon would never allow that.” Another pause, “He tried to help, Yoongi did. He started to do more for the gang.” She stays quiet for a long while.
“Were you close with the rest of them?” Jackson asks. She clearly doesn’t want to talk about her brother.
She nods, “Yeah, except Jungkook. But that’s just how he is.” She laughs humorlessly, “I thought he hated me.” She shakes her head, “He’s the one who helped me leave.” Another pause. Her face scrunches up and she looks like she could cry at any moment. “After Yoongi died, I didn’t want to be alive anymore either.” She looks Jackson in the eyes now. “He was all I had left.” She bites her lip and tries to hold back tears. She is unsuccessful. She sniffles and wipes her cheek, “I swallowed a bunch of pills one night at some stupid party Joon was having like Yoongi didn’t die a week before.” Anger flashes across her face. “Jungkook found me passed out on the floor of a bathroom. He shoved his fingers down my throat and made me puke up all the pills.”
His face is soft. He’s been listening intently. He’s worried about her though. “What pills did you take?” he asks.
She shrugs, “I don’t even know. I just figured if I took a whole bottle of them…” She looks away again, “They turned out to be some major downers. Probably anti-anxiety meds of some kind…” It’s a wonder that Jungkook was able to save me at all. “Jungkook was close with Yoongi. They were both quiet and grumpy looking. So, I guess he felt responsible for me after he died. He cleaned me up and got me out. He paid the deposit and first couple months’ rent on my apartment. He had to stop after that to avoid suspicion.” She swallows. “I don’t think any of them know about that. Jimin was worried about Namjoon sending Jungkook after me. You know, he’s known to be ruthless.” She shakes her head, “He wouldn’t hurt me though.”
Jackson examines her face. Maybe he could trust her. She opened up to him about this and its some dark shit. He thinks not many people know about that. It’s not like he’s ever seen her with friends. All she had was her brother and Bangtan, and now she didn’t even have them. Jackson slides off the counter and stands before her. She has him and his guys now. He won't let her feel alone again. He places his hands on YN’s hips, “Let’s get this day started.” He smiles down at her.
