#we ramble

[sortashrimp]

Not to like...project onto a character or be dramatic on main but I really do resonate with Vox as a character because there's clear moments where we see that the lack of approval around him makes him incredibly insecure. We see hints of his family especially knocking him down as he tries to rise (looks @ that scene with Charlie where he says Lilith would be disappointed in her). We see with Alastor that he was hurt by believing the relationship he had with Al was something more than it was, he harbors all of his feelings and acts out impulsively for a shred of that spotlight he desperately craves.

Brother, I feel u. I know how you're feeling 1000%. Like actually. I've lived this. I understand. Let me fuckinnn' sit with you for a while and talk about it

[we-are-underwater]

I took a break from it for a while but I'm back to thinking about my concept of self.

Ever since I first made this blog I wanted to explain what happens in my head but it's so hard to get into words that others can understand.

It's like I am a pond of water, and you could fill a basin of water and separate it from the rest. Is that water still me? Is it a part of me? Is it a new body, entirely? Then what if you pour it back in?

It's like I am a large glob of water floating in space, and sometimes smaller bits break off and then re merge.

It's like there's water of different colors and it all blends together but sometimes one color separates out from the rest for just a moment, shining clearly through the rest, and then it disappears again.

It's like we are a pond and I am standing on the surface, water in the shape of a person, and I cannot tell if there are others within the pond because they have not risen and taken separate forms

I try and comb through the waters to find something solid but every voice i hear breaks around my fingers

There's a pond and I cannot tell if "I" means the entire pond, or just a small part of it that can see itself

And it's so hard to explain coherently to myself or others, and I'm not even sure if any of these models are true but they're metaphors I use to try and put it into words because it's so hard to explain the details of what I actually experience in my mind.

But let's see if I can put it a bit more plainly.

Sometimes I have thoughts in my head that I don't believe, sometimes they don't feel like they come from "me"

Sometimes I look back at what I've done in the past and I don't recognize myself there

Sometimes I see myself in the mirror and it feels wrong in ways I can't explain

Sometimes I talk to myself, or I think to myself, or I think and someones else thinks back. Or sometimes I think to myself but I say "you" or "us" and I am both sides of a debate in my head where the other side is "you".

And sometimes I can feel something crying within me but it feels separate

And sometimes I am crying and trying to hold myself

And for some time the part that would hold me had a name, and I wasn't sure if she was me or something else

and when i started to wonder if i was more than one and another side game himself a name. and we would argue as he told me he was real but i felt like both of us, and we would blend into each other too much to keep talking

for a while i felt like i was nobody at all so I've been trying to make myself more solid

and i love the idea of being fluid, more than one, i love speaking to other parts of me and being kind to them, i love speaking to them and hearing their kind words back, i love feeling like both sides are me but also who am i?

but I'm scared of losing myself and im scared of losing control, and I'm scared of building a world within me than I'll need to hide

so I'm confused since i don't know what i am or what i want to be, and i can't tell if there's others in the water or only water that could take a form

and this is an attempt to explain what ive been feeling but it's probably incoherent, conflicting, and i don't know if it'll make anymore sense to a reader than it does for me.

[wayhaughts-earp]

The WE fandom is probably so chill cause they get treated really well by the cast and Emily. I don't think I've ever seen a show do what WE has done with Wayhaught. I keep pinching myself cause it's hard to believe that a wlw relationship is getting the straight treatment. Not to mention the whole Wynonna/Dolls/Doc love triangle can be annoying, but it's still written really well and it's about Wynonna's struggle to commit and not the guys. All around great show so there's no room for drama.

Yeah for sure. When shows focus on really good story telling without relying on typical shock factor moments or bland relationships (that we’ve seen at least a hundred times) we rarely see fandoms freak out at much. 

I think a good example would be the drama in the S*pergirl fandom. When M*n-el was introduced and basically took K*ra’s show over all while James was sidelined, a huge part of the fandom rightfully didn’t take well to that, hence all of the shade towards K*ramels. I use that fandom as an example because there wasn’t too much to complain about until that character was wedged into the story. 

But then you have the Wynonna Earp fandom and I’ve never seen anyone too explicitly hate on Wyndoc or Wyndolls even if it’s not their cup of tea because they’ve done a really good job at making that particular plot point, like you said, a lot about Wynonna’s experience. It’s not so much about Doc or Dolls getting the girl. And there’s not really anything negative you can say about Wayhaught up to this point. That’s why I think everyone kinda stays in their lane. 

Point being Wynonna Earp is a blessing and I hope it goes on for as long as possible

[spacedoutflowers]

Walking around MomoCon as a 12 year old with sweating issues (Dipper Pines)!

Tomorrow, I'm gonna be a fallen death god of feline features (Narinder)! :>

[we-are-underwater]

i don't really feel like I'm the same person who wrote the pinned post for this blog, i don't feel connected to the words in it much at all.

a large part of that is because ive felt a lot less plural these days than i did when i wrote it. but the answer to the question "am i plural" is still "i don't know"/

[we-are-underwater]

i should probably update how the plurality questioning is going since yknow, thats what this blog was made for.

i kind of decided i should step back a bit because it was feeling stressful again. I've seen posts giving the advice that it's good to take these things slow and it's always a good reminder!

i have a hard time sitting in uncertainty, especially when it comes to not knowing or understanding myself. i don't really need to know who i am right now. i can just be me.

i am still working on visualization & headspace development every now and then, and talk to Critter. just trying to put less pressure on myself when it comes to this.

[we-are-underwater]

i know everyone advises to start small when it comes to creating a headspace. and that does make sense. but also i keep coming up with ideas of what I'd want in a house and it is very fun to imagine being there!!