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Husband? OTHER Husband?! Wait… I’m the Husband Too?

HuaWeiLian Oneshot (Complete)

Summary:

It was a goddam struggle to peel back his eyelids.

The moment he was able to, Wei Ying cursed the day he was given eyes.

What the fuck was with all this white? It screams obsessive cleanliness!

So spotless, the pope could make snow angels on the sanitized ground and his ‘pure as the driven snow’ robes would come out cleaner.

Utterly stainless, a dedicated housewife could walk in here, broom and dustpan ready, only to shrug her shoulders and say: “Well, I’ve got nothing to do now. Time to kick back my feet!”

Incredibly clean to the point that if you asked a germaphobe to lick the floor, they’d shrug their shoulders and ask “Where would you like me to start?”

He was in hell OR this was Lan Qiren’s panic room.

Either way: Let. Him. Out!!!!

What’s that…? These two hotties are his caregivers…??

Nevermind then~

(Read the tags, people. Seriously, read the tags.)

Read to the end for author's notes:

It took a ridiculously long time for his eyes to crack open.

Honestly? It felt as if some bastard super-glued his lids shut. What a jerk!

When those stubborn skinfolds finally obeyed his commands, his poor, innocent retinas were hit with a world of white.

The room was so bright, it was as if there were tiny, microscopic drills tearing through his eyeballs! Is this some kind of White Room torture that he’s heard so much about?! If he was being tortured to confess to a crime, he was ready. Just get him out of this solar-powered chamber of agony!

The room in question looked awful . White walls, white curtains, white sheets. It looked as if the outdated concept of virginity threw up all over the room! There was also an odd smell slowly killing his nostrils. Bitter antiseptics, the sharp stinginess of rubbing alcohol, fruit scents so artificial they made fruits themselves cry. As if that wasn’t enough methodical torture for a lifetime, there was also the scent of cleaning chemicals polluting the air in his room.

Angry lights stabbed into his eyes and an icky hodgepodge of unbearable, unappealing smells wafted up his abused nose, repeatedly smacking his precious brain until he was tormented with a headache. Augh!

He was lying on a tiny, not-so comfy bed (the mattress was almost as thin as a sheet of paper!) tucked into a disgusting, clinically white duvet, the latter of which was an insult to all the duvets of the world with how ridiculously scratchy it was. Double augh!

The ‘duvet’ was so thick, he couldn’t even see the outline of his body or legs.

Wait.

Did he still have legs? Or feet? He couldn't even feel them. Did they take advantage of his unconscious form and commit the crime of unconsented amputation?! That better had been done by a professional at least!

Oh, wait! A toe wriggle! They were still there! Yay!

Next order of business: water . His throat was as dry as the Gobi Desert.

There was a water bottle on his nightstand. Double yay!

But it was just out of arms’ reach. Booooo!

He started half-shimmying, half-caterpillaring to the precious life essence, so close yet so far… like it was deliberately placed there to taunt him. Wait, was it poisoned? Then it would be a death essence, wouldn’t it? He couldn’t blame anyone for wanting to off him, though. Heaven only knows how many people he’s pissed off throughout the years. Maybe one of them finally wised up and decided to snuff out his existence.

Come on…. come ooooonnnn. Just a few inches more… He snickered at his word choice. Thought choice? Thought word choice? Whatever. He was too sober for this.

Wei Ying’s fingers were close to brushing against the blasted plastic when it was suddenly pushed into his open hand, a warm pair of arms were wrapping around his shoulders, followed by a firm grip tenderly guiding him to a proper sitting position on the bed.

“You shouldn’t push yourself so soon, Ying’er.” A beautiful voice waltzed into his ears like music, gently scolding him. All Wei Ying could do was gape like an idiot.

Long, deep brown hair held up by a red ribbon, contrasting nicely against the dark locks, their strands looking like sun-soaked wheat as they reflected off the room’s bright lights, honey-brown eyes that were as sweet as that lovely voice, velvety lips that looked as soft as peach blossom petals, long lashes that fluttered against a face that appeared as if it was carved for an idol to be worshipped….

Pretty… His dumb brain whispered in awe.

So this was heaven then… That explained the all-encompassing brightness. Suddenly Wei Ying was very happy with the hostage situation he found himself in. It wasn’t every day angels swept him off his feet!

Oh, what a beauty! I must’ve passed the pearly gates and met my guardian angel~ If this is what I get in the end, I'll gladly die again.

The angel’s ears turned red.

“That’s a new one. But I’m no angel, dear.”

Did he say that out loud?

“Yes.” His not-guardian angel huffed, holding back a laugh. What a pity. He truly did need a guardian angel. This guardian angel. On his honour!

“Oops?” He responded, sounding as apologetic as a child who got caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

“It’s alright.” Angel-ge waved off, a smile playing on those petal-pink lips. Their faces were so close, he could feel the other’s warm breath- “And for your information, Ying’er. You’re not dead.”

Ying’er….His name was Wei Ying (right?). Yet, Mr. Angel kept calling him ‘Ying’er’.

Did they know each other…?

“Oh, that’s good. The-not-being-dead-thing. Ying’er would’ve been very sad.” Wei Ying babbled, shooting the pretty man a dorky smile before wincing. His voice was scratchy and speaking hurt. Unfair! Was this his accumulated bad karma biting him in the ass? There was no other reason he would sound so terrible in front of beauty personified.

Realising that the water bottle was now resting on his lap, he started fiddling with the cap, his stupid fingers flailing around like worms squirming on fish hooks.

Another pair of pale hands with black nail polish – Huh. Didn’t know he had a second set of arms. Interesting color choice. – entered Wei Ying’s field of vision.

The hands took the water bottle from his joke of a grip, twisting the cap off before holding the bottle’s neck up to his lips.

He greedily drank the blessed liquid, its coolness soothing his parched throat.

As Wei Ying drank, Angel-ge let go – Nooo. Wait. Come back... – and started arranging a pillow pile to support his back, carefully fluffing them as he did so. Oh, you gorgeous blessing, you ~

When he had to stop gulping for a breather, the bottle was taken away. Wei Ying let out a pathetic whine.

“Are you competing with that gluttonous clownfish? You shouldn’t chug it all down or you’ll throw up, A-Ying.”

A smooth, baritone voice, that was not Mr. Angel's, vibrated against his eardrums and Wei Ying almost melted back into the bed. His ears felt like they had had the best orgasm of his life… wait… could ears even do that? Or did the new hottie unlock some higher stage of evolution in him?

Wei Ying craned his head upwards, squinting his eyes to inspect the newcomer, trying to make out what his fuzzy brain was trying to tell him.

The man was tall, with shoulders so broad he was tempted to wrap his arms around them like a clingy monkey that never wanted to let go –could he even accomplish such a feat? Welp, it wouldn't hurt to try.– Skin so pale you would think he was made from ivory, devilishly handsome features that would make even the most ravishing of incubi drown in vinegar, along with exotic, mismatched eyes. One as black as shadow, the other ruby-red, a perfectly formed blood-drop.

With the speed of a turtle fifty years past its youth, Wei Ying finally registered what Mr. Tall and Wickedly Handsome said.

“And why would I be competing with a clownfish, Mr. Morningstar?” He tilted his head to the side, like a lost kitten. He even blinked slowly, fluttering his lashes for good measure.

Devil-ge’s brow quirked upwards, amused.

“Why nickname me after Lucifer?”

“Because you’re tempting me to sin.” Wei Ying answered back, matter-of-factly. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west, Angel-ge is a gorgeous and pure-hearted helper who needs to be kis-ahem!- protected at all costs and Devil-ge is a walking temptation that even married women will gladly toss away their wedding bands for just one night with him.

Angel-ge snorted, finally done with the pillows, while Devil-ge smirked, flashing an alluring pair of canines at Wei Ying.

“Can you please eat me now? Kinda rude of you to play with your food, don’t ya think?”

That earned him a snort.

“He seems alright to me, gege.”

“En,” Angel-ge replied, gaze fixed on Wei Ying with what looked like concern.

“How are you feeling, Ying’er?”

Wei Ying’s brow scrunched up in thought.

“Mmm. My eyes hurt a little….the lighting here is giving me a headache.”

Devil-ge’s titillatingly broad shoulders tensed, frowning.

“I’ll ask the staff to dim the lights for you.” He muttered, sounding displeased for some reason.

“Or maybe it would be better to let him rest some more?” Angel-ge pitched in, honey-brown eyes flitting from Devil-ge back to Wei Ying.

The man in question wasn’t exactly sure what was happening, but it looked like both beauties were about to leave and he really really didn’t wanna see them go yet.

“No! Nononono! “ Wei Ying stammered, wildly waving around his arms.

“It’s just a small headache! Ying’er can handle it!”

“Don’t be stubborn.” Devil-ge reproached, a hidden note of worry in his voice that Wei Ying’s scrambled brain couldn’t catch. “You’ve been through a lot today, A-Ying. You need rest.”

“But I feel fine! So fine in fact, I can probably fight a hundred battles with my intestines hanging out!”

Seeing that he was getting close to a temper tantrum, Angel-ge carefully laid his hand on top of Wei Ying’s, interlacing their fingers.

He froze. Questioning the odd familiarity before dismissing it.

How considerate! Who doesn’t like having their hand held? You’re so sweet~

“San Lang’s right. You’ve barely started recovering after the surgery.” Angel-ge chimed in.

Surgery? Ohhhhh!!! Now he gets it! Wei Ying was at a hospital.

These two must be his nurses! No wonder they were so concerned!

Well, damn. If this is the kind of staff they have, I should get sick more often. Or maybe I can break half the bones in my body next so I can stay here for a few extra months…

Although he can’t remember checking in. Just how hard did Wei Ying hit his head?

Aiya! Nevermind that.

Tantrum attack thwarted. Time to employ his second-best tactic: The Pout™.

Setting his sights on the more susceptible of the two, Wei Ying twisted his lips into a rather pitiful expression.

“Please…? Just for ten more minutes.” He pleaded. Angel-ge’s resolve crumpled in seconds.

Devil-ge breathed out a long, exasperated sigh. As if he’d seen Wei Ying pull this stunt millions of times.

"Fine.” He conceded.

“But you’re going back to sleep after this,” Angel-ge interjected.

Mission report: successful!

“Deal!” Wei Ying crowed, running a victory lap in his head.

He heard Devil-ge let out an amused huff. The taller of the two reached towards Wei Ying and took his other hand. Running his thumb across the knuckles, tracing meaningless patterns on the back of the sitting man’s hand in a rather intimate display of affection.

Oookaaayy..? They’re both awfully touchy-touchy. This seems a bit excessive. Maybe nurses shouldn’t be doing that?

Not that Wei Ying was complaining, mind you. He was reverse-complaining. Anti-complaining. Minus- Oh, you get the idea!

Then he noticed the wedding rings resting on their fingers.

The jewellery looked out of place in this mortal plane. To put it simply, they were divine. With the way the crystal circlets shined against the bright lights, it felt as though a celestial being had reached towards the night sky and plucked out a star, moulding it until it crystallised into translucent, fragile bands symbolising the couple’s matrimony. Each of their rings took on the form of two criss-crossing circles, forming an ‘X’ shape secured at the base of their fingers. Colourful flowers that appeared like spun glass rested on the overlapping points. One had what looked like a soft pink peach blossom and deep black spider lily pressed closely to each other in a near-embrace, while the other had the same coloured spider lily and a blazing red camellia flower, with they way the were positioned, the delicate blooms appeared as though they were waltzing around each other.

All the lazily spinning gears in Wei Ying’s head suddenly ground to a halt.

Angel-ge’s just being nice…

But the other one’s flirting. Right in front of his husband.

“You..! You pig !” He sputtered. Yanking his hand away from that-that fiend . “Your spouse is right there ! Have you no shame?! Do you think I’m that easy?! ”

“What? Wei Ying…? What…?” That devil looked at him as if he’d lost it. Yeah, right! Wei Ying clearly wasn’t the one that should get his head checked! Adulterous jackass!

“I’m sorry, Angel! I didn’t mean to be a homewrecker! No! Worse than that! A chateau-smasher!* Please, forgive me!” Wei Ying implored, voice getting higher with every word until he was practically wailing like a banshee. Already tearing up as he clutched the other man’s sleeve for dear life, praying to any god that was listening for the brunette to understand.

“.....”

“Gege. I don’t think the meds wore off, yet.”

“Yes. I gathered that much, San Lang.” Angel (does Wei Ying even still have the right to call him that now?!) rubbed a tired hand down his face. “I honestly thought he was just disoriented. He seemed like himself at first.” The poor, innocent soul who’d been wronged by Wei Ying’s ignorant self, mumbled under his breath.

Turning his attention back to the situation at hand, the brunette’s face visibly softened at Wei Ying’s pathetic expression.

“Ying’er.” He intoned patiently. “What makes you think you’re being a… ‘chateau-smasher’, as you put it?”

“I kept fighting back the urge to climb your husband like a tree, Angel-ge.” He stated nonchalantly. Might as well be frank, Angel deserved to know what kind of wretch he was caring for. “If he asked me a few minutes ago, I would’ve gladly ascended his throne.”

“Pfff-!” The fiend slapped a hand to his mouth, those outrageously biteable shoulders quaking. Wei Ying ignored him, more focused on the brunette’s reddening face – He already looks so angry! Accept it like a man, you fool! You did this!– and continued:

“He was also being way too familiar with me and I didn’t stop him.”

“Hang on, now. That’s not fair.” The lying cheat butted in. “Gege was acting familiar, too. Why are you only blaming me?”

Wei Ying shot him a glare so heated it would’ve melted the sun itself.

“Because you look like the kind of man fathers warn their daughters to stay away from! This probably isn’t the first time you’ve done something like this!” He ranted. The taller man started wheezing , struggling to hold in the floodgates of laughter against a relentless torrent of dumbassery. Refusing to acknowledge the other man’s antics were affecting him (he does NOT look adorable while holding in a laugh, DAMMIT!!!), Wei Ying continued. “Angel-ge is the sweetest, most thoughtful person you could ever meet! He can do no wrong! Wrong took one look at him as a newborn and decided it wanted nothing to do with that baby!”

The fiend actually paused mid-cough and took a moment to process.

“Well…I can’t really argue with the latter point.” The fickle rat shrugged, winking cheekily at the brunette, who started choking on air.

Was the bastard carrying on like everything was fine and dandy?! The nerve of him! He should be grovelling for the next decade! Till the skin of his hands and knees were scraped off!!!

Wei Ying glowered and moved his body to block the fiend’s view of his unfortunate, mistreated spouse.

“Alright, both of you! That’s enough. San Lang, you're confusing him even more.” Angel-ge chastised, but he sounded as if he were caught between laughter and tears, fanning himself in a futile attempt to make the blush stop spreading.

Wei Ying felt warm fingers grasp his chin, gently urging him to turn his face back to the brunette.

“Ying’er…I need you to look at me for a second. Okay?” Angel-ge practically crooned so close to his ear. Wei Ying would’ve dissolved into a puddle if he didn’t already feel so guilty.

He looked up at the other man, bottom lip wobbling, eyes glassy from unshed tears.

“ Good. Now, can you please look at your hand? The right one. Ring finger.”

Wei Ying did as instructed and saw-

“Oh.” He breathed out, staring in disbelief at the crystal circlet adorning his finger. Poking at the wedding band to check if it was real.

“Yes.” Angel nodded encouragingly. Breathing a sigh of relief. Finally.

“Oh no. No . I’m the cheater. I’m having an affair behind my husband’s back…..” The horrifying realisation hit Wei Ying like a truck. He was the absolute worst…

The brunette facepalmed.

Something must’ve broken inside the taller man’s head. The fiend doubled over, clutching his sides, cackling like a gods’ damned lunatic. He gave hyenas a run for their money and they were literally named for laughing!

“ Holy fuck …I should’ve recorded this…” He choked out, wiping away a teardrop.

“ Wei Ying… ” Angel-ge stressed, sounding like he was close to crying himself. He grabbed the drugged-up idiot’s hand and held up his own. Silently begging Wei Ying to see the similarities in both rings.

“ We’re the husbands! San Lang and I!”

“You..?” The moron pointed at the brunette.

“ Yes .”

Wei Ying then pointed at the other man who just started straightening up, still catching his breath.

“And you?”

“Guilty.” He clapped back with a smirk.

“.....???”

“I thought polygamous marriages were outlawed since the 1950s*?”

Both men looked gobsmacked. Devil-ge let out a low whistle, somewhat impressed. “You remember that , but you can’t even recall our vows. Must be one hell of a trip you’re on.”

“We managed to make… special concessions regarding that.” The brunette explained, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. The other man sniggered under his breath, looking very much like a cat who got the cream.

Or two whole bowls of cream, apparently.

“I don’t get it!” Wei Ying whined. He was just about ready to flop back down on the bed and give up. His mind was too hazy for this and they’re both talking in riddles!

“Let’s not get into something that complex. Simpler topics will do. How much do you remember?” The brunette prodded delicately.

Wei Ying’s face turned blank for a moment.

He then subsequently burst into tears. Loud, body-wracking sobs that left both his husbands gaping at the sudden mood shift.

“I don’t know! I don’t know! I really don’t know! I must be the worst husband in existence…” Wei Ying whimpered pathetically.

“Now why would you say such a thing..?” The brunette softly asked, cupping the weeping dolt’s face and wiping away the tears with the pads of his thumbs. Wei Ying felt a warm hand running up and down his arm in assurance. His other husband was perched on the hospital bed, trying to get him to calm down as well. Turning back to the brunette, he instinctively nuzzled against the heated palms, sniffling.

He’s winding down. Good.

Doctor Wen would murder them if he popped a stitch…

“I don’t remember you…. Don't even know what your names are. Is this permanent? Was it a brain surgery? Am I missing sections of my brain? Can I get them back, please? I wanna remember you both.”

His husbands had to either bite their bottom lip or the inside of their cheek to stop themselves from smiling at the river of nonsense flowing out of their blubbering dummy.

“You had an appendectomy , A-Ying. Your brain’s fine. Mostly. The anesthesia just hasn’t worn off yet.”

“Your appendix ruptured in the middle of the night, Ying’er. We rushed you to Rìchū* Hospital as fast as we could. Doctor Qing was the one who operated on you.”

“Oh,” Wei Ying replied with eloquence fit for the king of heaven, as if that made all the sense in the world.

It didn’t.

“Did that help jog your memory, Ying’er?”

“Nope! Still can’t remember!” The poor Angel looked like he was seconds away from facepalming again. Devil-ge reached over Wei Ying and massaged the brunette’s shoulder in sympathy, lips pursed tightly to prevent another guffaw from tumbling out.

“Alright. That’s fine. Why don’t we start with our names? Can you recall anything?”

A head shake.

“Do you need a hint?”

An immediate nod that was quickly followed by a snivel.

“You have a tendency to overuse the phrase ‘thank you’ whenever you get ridiculously affectionate with me.” ‘Which is often.’ was left unsaid.

“Xiexie*...Xie…” His hands itched from how hard he was gripping the scratchy duvet, nose scrunching up cutely.

Just for a moment, the brain-fog cleared and a grin, as radiant as the sun, overtook Wei Ying’s face.

“Lian’er!” He beamed so brightly that Xie Lian couldn’t help but smile back.

“En.”

“Lian’er! Lian’er!” He called out gleefully, elated beyond words to have that beloved nickname roll off his tongue again, clutching the other man’s sleeves in his delight.

“I’m here! I’m here!” Xie Lian chuckled, glad to see Wei Ying cheer up again.

Moonstone eyes took their time carefully exploring the face of this Ang– husband of his, re-etching each feature into his memory so that even if Wei Ying forgot again, he’ll still dream about his Lian’er whenever he’s aimlessly drifting in the ocean of his subconscious.

His gaze was eventually pulled to that bolt of red cutting through wheat-brown strands.

Wei Ying extended a hand, fingers unfurling, carefully wrapping them around the silk as he let out a soft gasp.

“Mama’s ribbon…” He mumbled, delicately rubbing his thumb against the treasured item.

“A-ah…You asked me to keep it safe.”

A distinct echo finally resounded in his hazy mind.

“That’s right..! I gave it to you right as I was being rolled into the operating room. You were so worried…”

Brow furrowed, silver orbs glazed over as he stared off in the distance. Wei Ying was so lost in his recollection, he didn’t even register those gentle hands that were cradling his face had now drifted down to his shoulders, clutching the fabric of his hospital gown in a white-knuckled grip, trembling.

Like Wei Ying was going to crumble into dust if he let go for even a second.

((It was hellish. Those minutes of pure terror felt as if they were stretched out into an eternity. One moment, Xie Lian was asleep in bed, cuddled close to his husbands, the next he was forcefully wrenched awake.

Wei Ying had rolled off the edge, the deafening thud when he hit the floor was akin to a bucket of ice-cold water being dumped on him, Ying’er’s face twisted in pain while he bawled in agony, as if a hot knife was repeatedly stabbing and twisting into his side and then those gods’ awful wretches were ripping out of his throat until he vomited all over the bedroom carpet.

They had to roll him on his side so he didn’t choke, even though they were afraid to touch him on the likelihood they made it worse. San Lang would soon shove a fabric into Wei Ying’s mouth so that he didn’t bite his own tongue off from how excruciating the pain was.

Neither of them could’ve believed that they missed all the signs.

Exam season was around the corner, Wei Ying had been busy organising revision sessions and grading mock tests for his students, frustrations and nervous breakdowns were sky-high. Wei Ying had been complaining of back pains and a lack of appetite as of late. Off-handedly mentioning there was an odd ache on the side of his stomach before shrugging and chalking it up to stress at work.

Whenever Xie Lian or San Lang expressed concern over his health, Wei Ying would just wave them off and say it was probably the students’ stress rubbing off on him.

How careless they had been…

Even after being injected with the numbing medicine, through the descending haze, Ying’er still tried to put them at ease.

“Aiyah..What’s with that face, Lian’er? You’re not a God, ya know! You couldn't have possibly known! Here. Can you hold onto this for me? Just until they sew me back up?”

“Oi, gege! Make sure he doesn’t beat himself up too much while I’m knocked out! That goes for you too! I’ll deal with you after I come back~ You know I can only take care of your needs one at a time. Heh…” ))

The brunette was brought back to the present when he felt another hand gently loosening his own grip from Wei Ying’s shoulders.

He met San Lang’s mismatched gaze as he leisurely entwined their fingers, planting a lingering kiss on the back of Xie Lian’s hand, sanguine eye flashing with understanding,

Bit by bit, Xie Lian’s tensed frame relaxed, the blooming heat from where San Lang’s lips connected to his skin a soothing balm to his soul. Xie Lian started rapidly blinking away the mist building up in his eyes.

With one final squeeze, San Lang turned his attention back on their dazed husband.

“A-Ying,” He called out, smoothly steering the other clear off memory lane. Once he was sure he had Wei Ying’s attention, he allowed a lazy smile to take over his lips and continued, “You don’t usually stop at ‘thank you’ when it comes to gege. If I recall, you arranged a whole poem to ‘properly express your unending gratitude’ for him.” He playfully taps his chin, acting as if he were in deep thought. Ying’er’s gaze was almost as focused as a cat’s, ready to pounce at any second. Xie Lian felt the trepidation building up in his spine, honey-brown orbs widening in realisation.

Oh no…

“Ah!” San Lang snapped his fingers, as if he were the one with the memory issue.

“I believe the poem goes something like: ‘Thank you for being breathed into existence’..” Wei Ying happily took the reins of that runaway bull.

“Thank you for constantly gracing us mortals

with your golden haloed presence.

Thou graciousness knows no bounds

And though we ask too much of you

You still allow us to worship your moun–”

“Okay! Okay! That’s enough! I don’t think he needs to recall that .” If Xie Lian was forced to listen to any more of that horrid ‘poem’, he might burst a vein from how much blood was rushing into his head! His former teachers would’ve died from sheer outrage before hearing it in its entirety!

“Whaaaaah..? But I worked so hard on it.” Wei Ying pouted, bottom lip jutted out.

“Yeah, gege. You’re just going to discard all of A-Ying’s efforts?” San Lang snickered.

Xie Lian buried his face in his hands.

Oh. What am I going to do with these two…?

“You pulled that exact face too! Back when we first met!”

Xie Lian peeked between his fingers.

“You remember that...?”

“En!” Wei Ying exclaimed, looking so pleased with himself as he puffed out his chest. Xie Lian was reminded of a proud peacock showing off its bright feathers and almost laughed at the comparison.

“You spilled coffee all over my suit!”

San Lang’s eyes brightened in interest. He never got to hear that story. Gege would often dodge the question and A-Ying would cheekily retort ‘I don’t kiss and tell!’ before sauntering off.

“Oh? Tell me more, A-Ying.”

Xie Lian winced. Heavens….please, no.

“I was running late to an interview and stopped at a cafe for a quick breakfast–”

“I wouldn't call a large cup of coffee with cream and a dozen teaspoons of sugar ‘breakfast’, Ying’er.”

“You remember my order!”

“Gege isn’t the one with holes in his memories, A-Ying.” Xie Lian lightly poked San Lang in the ribs for the tease. Someone has to jump in and defend their dearest idiot.

“Now, you’re just being a bully!”

“Consider it payback for the cheating accusations.”

“...Okay. That’s fair,” Wei Ying huffed before continuing “ Anyways, I had already ordered and was sitting at my table. The wait was a bit longer than I thought, but then this ray of sunshine walked in and whatever pre-interview jitters I had just seemed to melt away~”

That was awfully sweet. But Wei Ying either couldn’t remember or simply neglected to mention that Xie Lian was so busy taking other customers’ orders and running himself ragged that it took a long time for him to notice Wei Ying’s coffee sitting on the counter, ready to be served.

“Hmm..Can’t really remember how , maybe it was a rogue juice puddle or the floor had a bone to pick that day, but Lian’er slipped. I watched as the mug did an impressive quadruple somersault in slow-motion –without spilling a single drop, mind you!– before finally giving me a surprise caffeine shower-”

“Were you alright?” San Lang cut in, concerned.

“En! The coffee was lukewarm at best.”

And of that, Xie Lian was relieved of his own forgetfulness.

He never would’ve forgiven himself if he’d injured Wei Ying or, Heaven forbid, left him with a burn scar.

“Besides, the tea Madame would occasionally toss at me was much hotter than that. I could’ve handled it.” Their precious, moronic, dummy of a husband bulldozed ahead. Completely oblivious to both his spouses tensing at the mention of that woman.

“Even in this state, he still remembers that shriveled-up, useless clump of cells*…” San Lang muttered darkly under his breath, forever upset that he lost his chance to drag the spiteful cow to court for all she did to A-Ying before she dropped dead.

Xie Lian squeezed San Lang’s hand in solidarity, too polite to add his own insults for the late Jiang Matriarch.

“Lian’er was so apologetic about it! Flustered and blushing like a tomato, it was adorable! He even offered to buy me another coffee and pay for the dry cleaning. I really wanted to ask him to add me on his WeChat*, but figured it wasn’t the best time.” Wei Ying giggled, pulling both men out of their gloomy thoughts.

“I had the morning shift that day. Setting up the tables and mopping the floor completely fell on me.” Xie Lian sheepishly filled in the gaps for San Lang. “I was in such a rush to get things done before opening that I must’ve left a wet spot.”

“You were probably sleep-deprived. Don’t be so hard on yourself, gege. These kinds of accidents happen all the time.”

“He’s right! It’s the employer’s fault for demanding so much of you in the early morning!”

These two…ever so ready to defend him, even from his own self-deprecating thoughts.

Xie Lian didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

“The next time we -literally- bumped into each other, I was out for a morning jog. I think Lian’er was working as a delivery man at the time? He had a crate full of apples and was in a hurry..”

Xie Lian cringed at the memory.

His scooter had broken down halfway through the journey. He tried hoofing it the rest of the way lest he get his second warning for being late, but it ended in an impromptu collision with the silver-eyed beauty.

Needless to say, all the apples ended up squished and bruised on the sidewalk…before rolling right into traffic and puréed all over the street.

Wei Ying ended up buying another crate from the nearest market and offering it to the soon-to-be ex-delivery man. Just to help him out, no strings attached. Xie Lian had never wanted to tackle a stranger into a hug so badly than in that moment. And one that he already screwed over before!

(Ying’er also conveniently left out the fact that he didn’t make it past the initial interview that day, on account of his suit being riddled with coffee stains.)

“It was a company-issued scooter, yes? Did they not do any checkups? What were your former bosses thinking, gege?”

“En! How reckless of them! Likely pinned all the blame on Lian’er for their faulty equipment!”

The rose-tinted glasses on these two!!

“Missed my second chance to get Mr. Sunshine’s contact info.” Wei Ying pouted before continuing, “Now, the third time we ran into each other was in a car accident.”

At San Lang’s alarmed look, Wei Ying hurried to say:

“Nothing serious! Just a broken tail light!” He then paused, a look of befuddlement and distaste flashing across his face.

“I think Lian’er was learning how to drive? There was a stuck-up looking guy next to him shouting instructions. He sounded like a cat that got its tail stepped on.”

“Mu Qing.” Xie Lian filled in. San Lang snorted.

“Apt description. Obnoxious pretty boy.” He mumbled under his breath, Xie Lian poked his other husband in the ribs in silent reprimand.

“He was probably distracting you while your eyes were on the road, gege.”

“Yes! That’s what it looked like to me too.” Wei Ying nodded sagely.

Well, if Xie Lian ever committed vehicular man-slaughter in the future, he’d know who to call and defend him.

Who needs a good lawyer when you have two overprotective husbands that can vehemently deny reality for you?

“Sweet Lian’er would later take me to a mechanic to fix up my car, free of charge!”

How silly. Xie Lian would’ve done it regardless of whether he could afford it or not. It was common decency.

That being said, he thanked his lucky stars that Feng Xin took on such a thankless profession and that he had a ‘friend’s discount’. If he had to pay with his meager salary, Xie Lian would likely still be in debt to this day.

“And I finally got his phone number after all that. Completely worth the hassle!” Wei Ying boasted. San Lang gave him a belated congratulatory high-five, Xie Lian buried his burning face in his hands, silently praying to just dissolve into mist already, please and thank you.

“I asked Lian’er to move in with me soon after.” Wei Ying blathered on, smiling dopily at the memory. It had taken several minutes for Xie Lian to stop sputtering before finally giving Wei Ying a proper answer.

San Lang raised an inquisitive brow.

“I think you missed a couple of steps there, A-Ying. That seems awfully forward, even for you.”

“Really? I thought it was fine. Xuanxuan and I were struggling with rent and getting a new roommate seemed like the perfect solution at the time. I also didn’t wanna see Lian’er get kicked out of the city*. Errr..Devil-ge? What’s wrong?”

Curious, Xie Lian unburied his face from the refuge of his hands and glanced at San Lang, blinking owlishly.

Their other husband was sulking. Xie Lian was reminded of a fox’s ears lowered in petulance. He half expected the other to start pawing at the ground in agitation.

“You remember that glutton’s name, but you can’t even remember what you used to call me...?” San Lang groused, turning his head away from Ying’er and glaring at the wall.

Wei Ying’s eyes got so comically wide they looked like they were about to pop out of his head. He started flailing, arms flapping about like a panicking butterfly.

“Of course I remember!! Ahh...uhh... sweetheart? Darling? Lao Gong*...?”

It was like watching a swaying drunkard throw darts at the board. Not caring how completely off the mark he was, if Wei Ying just kept at it blindly he might finally hit the bull’s eye.

The more guesses he got wrong, the more visibly upset San Lang got. Xie Lian could practically see the black cloud churning above his husband’s head.

“Da-ge...?” Wei Ying finished off the hurried, jumbled-up list, voice petering out at the end.

San Lang let out a long, melodramatic sigh and started fiddling with his wedding ring. His inky locks curtained around his face, theatrically covering his features until he resembled a brooding king.

Xie Lian didn’t know if he should start laughing, provide the two with some reassurance or tell his ridiculous husbands to knock it off.

Instead, he gently cleared his throat to catch Ying’er’s attention. Once those silver orbs were on him, Xie Lian softly tapped at the red camellia design on Wei Ying’s own wedding ring.

While looking at the crystal flower, something wriggled in the back of Wei Ying’s mind, like an upturned turtle desperately thrashing its limbs, trying to find some momentum to get back on its feet.

((“Hellooooo~ I know you’re loaded and all, but can I offer a penny for your thoughts?”

That earned him a huff-laugh in response.

“Why choose the camellia flower for me? Do you know what it means, A-Ying?”

“Endless passion, deep desires, great resilience…those seem fitting, no?”

“In Rìběn*, it also symbolises noble death. Don’t you think that’s too high of a praise for someone like me?”

“Well… those who died honorably did so for a cause they believed in, right? Wouldn’t that just mean that you're a devoted fighter? Huahua…our most passionate, stubborn and devoted husband. Haha…))

“Huahua..Hua-ge..” Wei Ying mumbled under his breath, squinting and sucking his bottom lip between his teeth, waiting for something to just click already!

Moonstone eyes snapped wide in remembrance.

“Gege!!” Wei Ying exclaimed, reaching out for the other man’s hand, clasping it between his own.

“Hn. Took you long enough.” Hua Cheng scoffed, “I wonder if you even remember my real name. Or are you just guessing again?”

“Don’t be like that, gege~ ” Wei Ying whined, rubbing the trapped hand against his cheek like a needy kitten.

Hua Cheng still refused to look at him, Wei Ying wailed, about to tear up again. Xie Lian was honest-to-gods contemplating if he should intervene, stay where he is or just leave and come back when they’re both done with their little ‘lover’s quarrel’.

“ Hua Cheng!!! Your name is Hua Cheng! But I only call you that whenever I’m mad!” Wei Ying lumbered ahead, desperate for his other husband to just look him in the eye already! “Or whenever I’m holding onto Lian’er for dear life while you drill me into the mattress-”

Xie Lian went into a sudden coughing fit, ears blazing, while San Lang finally cracked, unable to keep the childish act up any longer.

As soon as he saw that smile breakout over Hua Cheng’s face, Wei Ying snapped at the bait and asked:

“Am I forgiven now, gege?”

Hua Cheng tilted his head to the side, lips pursed and features twisted in mock consideration.

“Hmm...Tell me what you remember of our first meeting and I might forgive you.”

“We met at a casino!” Wei Ying blurted, as eager to get back into Hua Cheng’s ‘good graces’ as a fox chasing after a rabbit.

Upon Hua Cheng’s approving nod, Wei Ying continued:

“Xuanxuan-” Once he saw that small scowl, Wei Ying was quick to course correct, “I-I mean my roommate called. Said he needed help warding off some guy who kept shaking him down for money. I thought it was our stingy landlord or a loan shark. He gave me some vague directions and I found myself in a shady underground gambling den.” Wei Ying paused, brow crinkling.

“It wasn’t ‘shady’.” Hua Cheng muttered, pride slightly wounded.

“Sure~ And the mob ties are just a figment of my imagination.” Wei Ying shot back sarcastically. Before Hua Cheng had a chance to retort, A-Ying continued:

“Never took that grouch for a high roller. He just didn’t seem the type.” He commented offhandedly.

Hua Cheng snorted and rolled his eyes heavenward.

“Don’t let his deadpan expressions and monosyllabic conversation skills fool you. He’s a fucking trainwreck with a whirlpool of problems. I’m surprised he didn’t drag you down with him.”

“San Lang.” Xie Lian scolded, although it was half-hearted at best.

“Gege, be nice!” Wei Ying grumbled, making a feeble attempt to defend his ex-roommate/current friend.

“Anyways...” He dramatically puffed out his cheeks as he sighed, “Xua- my roommate instructed me to park the car nearby and leave it unlocked. I was supposed to distract the moneylender while he sneaks off to safety.”

“Hmm. And remind me again, how did you go about ‘distracting’ me?”

“I decided to flirt with you using shitty pick-up lines.” Wei Ying shrugged without an ounce of shame. “To be fair, I just thought you were a really well-dressed goon sent out to harass my friend. Didn’t think you were the boss himself.”

That got Hua Cheng to chuckle under his breath. Xie Lian shook his head, not surprised in the least.

Oh, to be a fly on the wall while that whole disaster went down…

Suddenly, Wei Ying perked up, a grin splitting his face. Both his husbands could almost see the light bulb going off above his head.

“Gege! I actually remember some of the flirty lines I threw at you that night!”

“This’ll be good.” Hua Cheng whispered in Xie Lian’s ear, who shot him a questioning look. San Lang only gave him a smirk in reply before turning back to Wei Ying, mismatched eyes gleaming expectantly.

“Go on.” He goaded.

“Do you believe in luck? ‘Cause I think I’ve just hit the jackpot tonight!”

Ah, that doesn’t sound so bad. Xie Lian mentally let out a relieved sigh.

“Hn. That’s a bit PG for your tastes, A-Ying. You can do better.”

Xie Lian could feel a sweatdrop forming, apprehension colouring his features.

Wei Ying’s face scrunched up into a scowl before lifting up his chin at the challenge. He started firing off:

“Dang, handsome! Are you a slot machine? Because I’d love to pull your lever~”

“Weak. Got any more?”

“Hey, gorgeous. Mind if I spin your roulette wheel?”

“Depends. Do your hands know any other ‘wheel’ aside from your own?”

“Apart from being sexy, how are you at blowing dice?”

“Hmm. Normally it’s either you or gege who do the blowing, but I can be generous from time to time.” Hua Cheng commented nonchalantly, Xie Lian started letting out the equivalent of dying animal noises, eyes bugging out of his skull.

Someone please give him a cold glass of water, this chaste flower is about to pass out.

“Why you gotta be so tough on me, gege?! Can’t you just let me win?!” Wei Ying whinged, close to tearing up in frustration at this point.

“What kind of self-respecting dealer would I be if I ‘let’ others win? Besides, I thought A-Ying likes it when I’m tough on him.” Hua Cheng practically purred.

This arrogant red-eyed bastard...

“Not all the time! Gege should learn to be more gentle!”

“Stop...!” Xie Lian croaked out, ready to fold into himself. He really couldn’t take any more of this.

These two will be the death of him, he swears on his mother’s grave.

“En? What’s wrong, Lian’er?”

“Perhaps he wants some attention? It’s been a minute since you’ve flirted with him.” Hua Cheng proposed with a shit-eating grin.

“San Lang!!”

“Would Lian’er like to hear some specialised pick-up lines too?”

“Th-there’s really no need-!”

“Gege’s a dance teacher. Can you come up with any good lines for him, A-Ying?”

“Excuse me, sir. Do you believe in love at first dance or should I twirl by again?”

Well, that was terribly corny. But thankfully innocent, all things considered.

“I wasn’t religious before, but dancing with you may have just turned me into a believer.”

That did fit with tonight’s angel/devil theme, didn’t it?

Xie Lian was still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“Can we take this dance off the floor and back to your place?”

Aaaannndd there it was.

“What a dazzling waltz! Any chance we could do the devil’s tango in the backroo-?”

“Alright! I think that’s enough for tonight!” Xie Lian would’ve very much loved to facepalm again, but he feared that his hands might catch fire judging by how heated his cheeks were. San Lang was too busy cackling at his expense, but someone needed to remind Wei Ying that he was still recovering.

“I think it’s past time for you to go to sleep, Wei Ying.”

“Awww! But I’m not tired!” His argument was instantly refuted after letting out a yawn which he couldn’t suppress.

“Yes, you are. We agreed to ten minutes and it’s been half an hour. You need rest.”

Wei Ying opened his mouth, ready to protest some more when he felt warm lips, soft as silk, press against his temple in a languid kiss.

“If you listen to gege, I promise that I’ll be nicer to you when you wake up.” Hua Cheng tenderly murmured against the crown of Wei Ying’s head, an undercurrent of fondness within his coaxing tone.

Wei Ying froze, mouth gaping like a fish, opening and closing, yet failing to get a word out.

Xie Lian went for the finishing blow.

“Please, Ying’er..? Won’t you do it for me?” He stared imploringly at Wei Ying all doe-eyed, voice dripping like sweet nectar. Their dear moron wasn’t the only crafty one here.

The poor imbecile never stood a chance.

“Oh..! Fine! I was feeling a bit sleepy anyway.” He huffed, just a tad bit crabby. Hua Cheng and Xie Lian traded victorious smiles.

They both gingerly guided Wei Ying to lie back down properly. Xie Lian pulled out a chair and scooted it close to the hospital bed before gingerly laying his head against Wei Ying’s chest. Knowing that the added weight will bring his husband some comfort while trying to sleep in a strange place. Hua Cheng carefully slid a hand beneath Wei Ying’s head, almost cradling it as he massaged the sensitive scalp and nape, taking extra care not to let the unbrushed locks tangle around his fingers.

For his part, Wei Ying had practically turned into putty under their tender ministrations. Mind already sinking back to unconsciousness, barely aware of what he was mumbling:

“I must be the luckiest bastard in the world…” Wei Ying sighed, “...thank you for choosing me to be your husband…”

Other way around, idiot.

Epilogue:

Wei Ying was thoroughly convinced that he was a mass murderer in a past life.

He genuinely can’t think of any other reason as to why he was given such cruel and unjust punishment.

It had only been a couple of days since his surgery, Wei Ying was expected to get discharged soon and go back to the comforting nest that was his home any day now~

Qing-jie had already given him an hour-long lecture over what he should and (mostly) shouldn’t do for a smooth recovery process.

Take a two week leave from work, at the least. Do not go back to work until you feel less fatigued and your pain levels have gone down a bit.

Do not consume alcohol or processed foods. No red meat or anything that contains high levels of fat and/or sugar.

Do not do anything physically strenuous or put strain on the body for the next six weeks.

On and on she went, but Wei Ying could sum it up to this:

He was expected to flop around his bed like a useless fish with no cakes or any of his emergency snacks, none of jiejie’s decadent pork lotus soup, none of his favourite spicy dishes, no wine to numb the pain and, the most egregious of them all, no sex.

For the next month and a half.

The horror.

How can the Heavens bless him with two drop dead gorgeous husbands and expect Wei Ying to not commit to his marital duties?! What kind of sick joke is that?!!

Xie Lian was close to tears at this point. But for a completely different reason.

“Wei Ying…” He begged, “Can you please just come out from under there already?”

The denial was instant.

“No.”

“But you need to eat!”

“I’m not having any more of that sludge!” The protest would’ve held a lot more weight if it wasn’t muffled and had come out of a tightly wrapped blanket roll.

There was not even a lock of hair sticking out of that man-sized burrito. To Xie Lian, his brat-of-a-husband resembled an angry slug.

“It’s congee and it’s good for your health.”

“Congee or broth? Broth or congee? What’s the difference?! They’re all bland! Either put some chili oil in it or give it to a pack of rabbits!”

“....”

Why did San Lang have to leave him at a time like this?!

Xie Lian had no other choice, but to pull out his trump card.

“If you come out from under there, I can mix it with some pork floss.*”

A moonstone eye peeked through the darkness.

“Really…?”

“Yes.” Xie Lian breathed out a sigh of relief. Finally, some progress.

The rest of Wei Ying’s head poked out of the cocoon. Rat-nest-looking hair going in all directions.

“Good. Now, sit up properly while I reheat this.”

When Hua Cheng eventually reentered the picture, it was to a satisfied Wei Ying scarfing down the last remnants of his congee and an exasperated Xie Lian sitting by his bed, peeling an apple, watching their wayward patient out of the corner of his eye.

Both Hua Cheng and Xie Lian did everything they could to make Wei Ying as comfortable as possible while he was stuck in that soulless room. The ward was periodically sprinced with some lemon and pine air freshener to combat the god awful hospital smell. An air humidifier sat next to Wei Ying at his bedside to keep his sinuses clear while he slept. They ran back and forth to their home multiple times to get Wei Ying’s favourite blankets and pillows, most of which were either crocheted by Xie Lian or Jiang Yanli. There was very little space left on the window sill on account of all the flower bouquets perched on the ledge, along with a pile of fruit baskets and knicknacks sitting at the foot of the hospital bed, all thanks to a bunch of friends, co-workers and groups of students stopping by, offering their well-wishes and recovery gifts to their dearest dummy.

Wei Ying was incredibly touched by the level of thoughtfulness and care that he was bombarded with these last couple of days that he may or may not have sobbed a few times.

That didn’t stop him from throwing his weight around whenever Doctor Qing’s restrictions got too suffocating, though.

(He’ll make it up to his husbands once he’s done healing, Wei Ying swears. All ten fingers crossed!)

“Gege!” Wei Ying eagerly called out as the taller man entered, “Did you get the- what the hell is in that bag?”

Xie Lian’s thoughts exactly. Hua Cheng was carrying a duffel bag that wasn’t even zipped all the way. There were a bunch of odd lumps that appeared to be squirming around through the fabric.

Just as when San Lang opened his mouth, ready to reply, one of the lumps shot out through the opening.

A scraggly-looking shadow bolted across the room before dive-bombing right into Wei Ying’s lap. Enthusiastically kneading the shocked man’s chest, careful not to accidentally hurt one of its favourite owner’s with its claws.

“E-Ming?!” Wei Ying exclaimed, jaw dropped.

“Murr.” Their smug, one-eyed cat chirped. Affectionately rubbing its face against Wei Ying’s chin.

Hua Cheng went over and settled the bag on Wei Ying’s bed. A white-haired fur ball popped out.

“Ruoye!”

The cat purred as it glided its way towards the sitting man, joining E-Ming in the biscuit-making session.

Another black-haired feline leapt out of its prison. This time sauntering right into an aghast Xie Lian’s lap. Wei Ying let out a dramatic gasp.

“Betrayal! Is this how you repay me for raising you, Chenqing?! You won’t even check on your sick papa?!”

Chenqing only gave its wailing owner a passing glance, emerald eyes glinting mischievously as it lay its head down on Lian’er’s knee, ready to take a nap.

There was a ginger tail poking out of the mostly empty duffel bag, rapidly wriggling around in the air, the tail’s owner clearly refusing to come out.

The poor thing never could handle unfamiliar places. Yet it still didn’t want to be left behind.

“Suibian! I can see you! We all can see you! Come here, you little coward!”

That got him a guttural yowl in protest.

“What ungrateful children I’ve raised!” Wei Ying squawked, petting Ruoye and E-Ming to sooth his indignation.

“San Lang…” Xie Lian started, trying to keep his tone patient, “Just how did you convince the hospital staff to allow our cats in…?”

Hua Cheng let out a small laugh, although it sounded forced to Xie Lian’s ears. The taller man was lightly tapping at the bag, gently urging the fussy tabby to leave its refuge.

“I may or may not have promised them that I’ll donate to the hospital. Should be enough to open a new wing.” He sheepishly admitted.

“Probably used his mob ties to intimidate everyone into silence.” Wei Ying sniggered. Hua Cheng merely sighed. He didn’t have enough energy to refute the notion and instead settled for flicking the dumbass on the forehead.

“Hey! I’m still recovering here! Lian’er, scold him for me!”

Xie Lian didn’t know if he should laugh or cry. Both seemed appropriate in this case.

He decided to just admit defeat and give Chenqing the head-scritches that it was silently demanding.

The storm has passed. Their family was reunited, safe and healthy.

That’s all any of them could really ask for.

End.

Important Author's Notes for Asterisks:

1. The first ban of polygamous marriages in China was introduced in around 1950. This law would be updated in later years. As for how Hua Cheng managed it… I dunno *shrug*. Just imagine he used his mob influence or money laundering schemes which he TOTALLY doesn’t do in this verse!!

2. The ‘chateau smasher’ line was borrowed from Dustin Poynter, also known as ‘Red Flag Guy’ on YouTube.

3. Rìchū: Pinyin for ‘sunrise’.

4. Xiexie translates to ‘thank you’.

5. The ‘clump of cells’ line was borrowed from true-crime podcaster and all-around cinnamon roll, Stephanie Soo.

6. WeChat is essentially the WhatsApp of China, only it has more mini programs that allows users to shop online, access in app tools, as well as to send money and pay through it.

7. Judging from what I’ve heard from other people online, Chinese citizens moving into different Chinese cities is the equivalent to the tedious visa process of moving to a different country. Unless they find suitable work that can allow them to stay in that city for a long period of time, then they’ll have to move back to their hometowns. Although, it’s been said that this issue has started improving amongst young adults.

8. Lao Gong: Pinyin for ‘husband’.

9. Rìběn: Pinyin for ‘Japan’.

10. The ‘pork floss’ line was inspired by a similar scene in the C-Drama ‘Rational Life’ where MC gets appendicitis. The love interest takes care of her and decides to spoil her by adding pork floss in her congee.

If there's any information provided here that was inaccurate and/or outdated, please let me know and I will make the necessary edits.

As for the medical inaccuracies here, please don't focus on it too much. Any attention on drama over reality is intentional, I tried not to make it TOO out of the realm of possibility, but obviously I'm no medical expert and since this is crack, it's not meant to be taken seriously.

I've most likely leaned more towards XieXian than HuaXian, buuuuuuttttt I think that's fair considering the amount of HuaXian fics I wrote. Also, XL deserves more love. Lol.

If ya liked the work, please leave a like/comment. That'll be very much appreciated!!

Many thanks for reading~

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