The urge to drink and smoke went up CONSIDERABLY yesterday, and I am not afraid to admit I'm more upset about the blog loss than I thought. I guess the heart of that is the fear that I've fumbled connections I won't get back. It haunts me that perhaps some took this chance to be done with me. It took 2 years to build those connections, so at the least I shouldn't be surprised that this will take time and require patience. My self validation will be more critical than ever.
I didn't realize how tethered the blog made me feel. I don't know why that makes me feel embarrassed. I feel adrift on that stupid ocean planet from Star Wars that triggered all the primal phobias in me as a teen. But it's just a chance to make something new.
The urge to use is considerably more frequent and stronger this last week or so overall. My methods of avoiding relapse have been solid, so that's great. I don't have to focus on how I have to use them in the first place, I can just be grateful they are available and I'm still sober.
I'm nearly done with some new earrings :D












