.anxiety
[trigger warning: depression, anxiety]
life was repetition of ups and downs, just like the lyrics of gary hyung described. so why did it feel to him as if the sadness always outnumbered the happiness? everything happened for a reason, there was a plan his life headed to. and still it felt like he had gone down the wrong path. was his karma that bad? was he experiencing a few happy moments just to see how well they shattered? the male didn't know anymore. during times like this he missed his parents the most. desperately holding onto the memory of their faces, he wished to hear his father's encouraging voice, telling him to stand up and to move on, to never give up and to never forget about himself. he yearned to be in his mother's arms, in her warm and gentle embrace that gave him the love of the world. but his wish was just delusionary thinking. they had left him behind, way to early, had gone to a far away place where his crying voice couldn't reach him.
maybe he was too emotional about the break up. maybe he had become a pathetic man, vulnerable, dependent, hateable. during these past weeks he had felt useless and weak, carrying negative thoughts around like rocks on his shoulders, closing his eyes from the world. was this the feeling of having lost faith in seemingly fated bonds? they had gone through a messy, brutal break up before and kang joon had recovered. but this second chance they had received was like a wink of fate to him, it had told him of the love he had never lost during the separation. they had lost sight of each other and had met again. but this time, he felt resentment. she had done it again. she who had hold of his heart, cruelly crushed it within her palm, until the bloody pieces dropped dead on the ground. her reason was a dream they both pursued and yet it seemed like she just wanted to break free from him. the monster who had destroyed her long ago. she, the beauty who had been pain and healing to him. a beauty who easily changed herself into a monster. and yet he didn't wanted to hold grudges against her. despite the darkness that surrounded him, a tiny light, his love still remained in him.
the dim light who still hoped everything will work out for him, a hope that didn't necessarily included her in his future. remembering a love from the past could be the strength to move on. and still the light continued to grew weaker, darker from anxiety. anxiety to not only lose her, but also them. his family, his army who defended and protected him to fall, to jump of the clouds. separations, goodbyes, farewells had always been part of his life. he thought of his grandmother. she was strong and healthy, even though she went through hard years of raising him. how long could a single life last? he thought of his brothers. Minsoo, Aron, Gary. brothers who would fight everyone who fought him. they weren't connected by blood and feelings, relationships could change. they didn't knew about the future and he was anxious that they slowly grew apart, distant from not being able to meet up much. he thought of his sisters. Jieun, Bora, Minhee, Elly, Wendy. how much they had cared for him, giving him affection and acception for who he was instead of who he seemed to be. how much longer would they be able to hold onto a man who has lost sight of himself? he thought of everyone else, his friends, his supporters, his haters. everyone who somehow was connected to his life. separations, goodbyes, farewells. seunghwan knew too well. and everyone would slowly move away from him, giving up on him, fading away, leaving him behind, leaving him alone. until the day he had lost every single bond and would be at the end faceless.