#whatkeepsmegoing

[spinningjupiters]

// strength //

A friend while talking to me said, you're very strong. And it stuck with me.

But what does strength mean? Is it the same as complacency? Do we choose to be strong? Or the more we accept our fate and stop fighting with destiny we fool the world including ourselves. We create the illusion of being in control and not breaking down. When infact, we have been broken in so many ways that we don't know what it's like to be whole. Yet like a carcass held up by the wind we stand still. A scare crow for the spectators that we're still here. Albeit without any will, we remain present. So I don't know the genesis of this character and quality. Whether it means something or is just the mandatory prerequisite of living or surviving for that matter. Because like any skill it ultimately comes with practice. The more we repeatedly tell ourselves to endure, the more we give ourselves the illusion of being undefeated by circumstances. But when the curtain pulls up and the mirage fades and we catch up with reality.

It dawns on us. That we're a hoax. There is no strength while living. Just how good we are in hiding our weaknesses. The more we create this aura of being unscathed by time and life, the more it seems we have everything in control. When it is far away from the truth.

But it does take strength in living a lie.

[grip-poet]

I am

A mother

The best cook

Their protector

Their doctor

A shield

Their tour guide

A teacher

At first glance I felt complete

My girls my everthing

I push for greatness

I am their Queen

[whrejanlstays]

What Kept Me Going (Blogging);

Writing (in any form through daily journals, online blogging, or noted through my phone) keeps me sane. Blogging has been part of my life for more than 8+ years now. I have been sharing all my what-nots, important events and people closest to my life here. It became a therapy for me, yes that beneficial for me, to share my thoughts here, rather than spoken words.

Little did I know that in this little wide world we all have, my safe haven have turned to touch few lives and good souls. I have hoped to hold on dreams full of positivity and faith; and, to live a life full of content, happiness, love and grace. And I wish to spread them all here and to everyone.

To you, my dear, who have been, in any way or another, have been part or have read even a bit of my life or post here, I hope I had at the very least, touched that positive side of you and have hopefully, inspired you. Keeping some of the words of positivity and inspiration I received from great writers and minds, too. I am humbled and even more inspired to keep that fire burning, share good vibes and keep my blog alive and updated.

• Wow! What a wonderful blogs of yours. • There are always + and - in every situation. Reading your blogs? The + side, I like and enjoy it. I really do! • Grabe ka kasi ate, super galing magblog! 💖 • Nakakatuwa. Pero alam ko ganun ka lang talaga. Sobrang positive mo sa buhay. Nalulungkot ka pa po ba? Hahaha. Kaya naman sa lahat sayo lang ako naka'notification pag may bago kang post. Sobrang natutuwa ko sa mga blogs mo kasama na yung mga english mo. Sobrang galing mo. • Informative blog. Following you. 😘 • Thank you for your last blog post. Im struggling rn because of school, fam issues and financial aspects. Thats really helps. ^_~ • Kayong dalawa ni Lara Murallos. Favorite ko dito sa tumblr. Isang future Atty at Dra. Saya lang talaga mag basa ng post nyo nakakainspire. Sobra. • Twinniecheer, I miss you so muchyyyyy!!!! HUHUHUHUHUHU. I’m so happy when I’m reading your posts and I know youre doing your best in your life!!! You are such an inspiration, twinniecheer!! Yay!! Wiiiiiiiiih~ I love you. Happy new year!!!! • Ibang klase yung positivity mo plus a really good heart. Really hope na marami ka pang ma share at ma inspire.

My heart is full to have received these kind of messages from the past months and from my not-so-regular updates on how my life have been, recently. Except for the few snapshots that I post about my Clerkship (more posts to come about this!!!). Thank you, all, for inspiring and motivating me as well. To more memories to share and thoughts to write this year, yes? My #RoadtoMD continues, know me more at #fatejanelle through my #photofolio or #janlwillgoplaces, keep #forthesakeoflove and let’s altogether #findmeaninginlife, every single day!!! :)

[spinningjupiters]

// little things //

What matters is knowing

That what truly counts

Are not the big moments

But the little things

[spinningjupiters]

// slow death //

It sits in my chest. The wound is where my heart should be. It bleeds into my lungs. Blood is where my breath should be. It creeps into the night. Whispering despair, where my dreams should be. Sleep escapes me. Just as my soul from my body. Or is it just layers of pain? One above the other. This hurt erodes me from the inside. But there's only one victim? And no perpetrator. They all sleep soundly. The murderer and accomplices. They wash off the crime scene. They brush off their hands. They silence the sirens. They use the back door and walk slowly in bed and sleep. Yet, I lay awake. With this disease feeding off my sanity. Here's the thing, no one stabbed me to death, or pinned me to the ground, I wasn't beheaded, eviscerated or shot through my head.

But I wish they had done that instead.

Instead of bearing me a witness to mental agony. The anguish that burns like a rain forest in mid summer. A fire that still leaves its ashes like a shadow lurking like a past mistake in December. As I carry this invisible weight of my corpse. I don't know why I must carry this lifeless carcass that somehow breathes but no longer lives. I have no clue. I don't know what I'm reflecting. Why am I here? Why are these words mine? Why does this pain have my face? Who abandoned it? Who asked it to leave its safe place and be in a constant search for a sanctuary?

Where is a safe haven for an existential crisis? Is there a fire extinguisher for what burns inside the heart at the hands of callous people who think they are justified in the pain they inflict?

Last night was an auction.

They wanted my happiness and joy. There were bids to buy my skin, my heart, my eyes. The chants were loud and my silence was interpreted as permission.

I let them take all they wanted.

But what I really wanted to give.

Was my life.

[spinningjupiters]

// day dreaming //

And that's how I knew

The soil that was burning away my roots

Was not my home

I needed to stay

Somewhere else

Even if for a night

To find back my dreams

And borrow some sleep

[spinningjupiters]

// hurt //

I wish I could be how others are. So calculated and private. They only sieve through details of their lives. Carefully picking out their vulnerabilities as if it is effortless. Consciously or subconsciously only celebrating their successes and triumphs and hiding away the struggles that happen behind curtains. I guess that's what gets you ahead in this world. And akes you more palatable. No one enjoys people who speak their mind and wear their feelings on their sleeves. People who are true about when they fall down and those who still choose to show up with the bruises. People only feel sorry for them without actually sympathising. It is so easy to pick on someone you think is okay from afar. But it might have taken the most courage they've had to muster to show up. And then you believing they are invincible still in-sensitively ask something that is completely inappropriate. They might answer with a straight face but inside they may crumble a little. Life may have been unkind but it is the people who make it suffocating. I don't know when it became okay to always keep this front of having it together and progressing and when was struggling looked down upon? Who made these standards of success anyway? Why has life narrowed down to just goals? Who made your worth measured in how much relatable you are. When does this chase end? When was it alright to hurt someone at the expense of others mental health and yet wear the disguise of caring for their well being. When was it made okay to be unkind? Who made it alright to cross boundaries? Where did all the basic etiquette of conversation vanish? All courtesies have died. People find it alright to divulge into their insecurities. All the while feeding a void that no one can fulfil, not even themselves.

[spinningjupiters]

There's a lesson in it all, but isn't it? In the years that age and the heart that grows bigger.

In the way we become kinder (or choose to be)

How it matters more if what we enjoy is what we've earned for ourselves. How it's more wholesome if its devoid of superficial pleasantries. How we no longer need people to accept our flaws. How we become enough for our own validation.

There's a lesson in aging isn't it?

It's never always pretty and appealing and 'lit'. It may sometimes be ugly and hard and impossible.

But if its mention-able it is achievable.

And once we achieve that sense of self assurance. It no longer matters.

The world becomes what it truly is 'wordly'.

What remains eternal is the people we've touched along the way and those whose hearts have moved us.