When he left, his look was far away. Blue eyes glazed like a donut in the morning sun.
“I’ll miss you,” he said in a raspy whisper, followed with,” Don’t try to find me.”
Silence. Pure and sweet and still, as if we were simply mannequins on display at one of those fancy fifth avenue stores (Only, I doubted Dolce & Gabbana would fashion their models with raggedy grey high school t-shirts and holy jeans.).
I would end this silence. I needed to know. Jay was leaving and I needed to know. First, I tried to speak but my mouth opened and closed like a beta fish’s. Our beta fish. The one Jay and me rose together...
He was leaving. "He is leaving." My conscience helpfully reminded me of a soon-to-be ambiguous loss of my only brother.
Wails crawled up my throat but my eyes were dry. I tried to speak-
Before I could choke out a feeble ‘why’, Jay approached me and cupped my face. His hands were rough, but his skin soft like an angel’s.
“What-” I began, but he leaned down and pressed his lips against mine. In shock, I squirmed out of his grip and to the concrete ground, where I stared at him. An eternity passed. The whole time, I waited patiently and stiffly for him to look away in shame, but his cloudy eyes crackled and burned with newfound intensity under the haze and held my gaze until I was forced to look away. I chose to study my dirt-covered feet.
I listened to the sound of his quick, heavy breathing.
“I love you.” He said between pants, he said with alcohol on his breath, he said lightly because he’d finally and selfishly dropped the weight of his own forbidden secret onto my shoulders. “You’re my favorite sister and you always will be.. One day I’ll contact you again. For now... Bye.”
I was alone, and once again it felt like a scene people pause during movies while they go to the kitchen to fetch snacks. I was stuck in this moment.
My lips were tender where he’d grazed them with his teeth. It was wrong that he did that. My mind searched for surprise, but found none. Shock, but no surprise. In the back of my head, a knowing sentence that floated deep under the surface of my thoughts (Duat, my mind connects, like in Egyptian mythology) showed itself.
"You always knew Jay loved you in a different way.
You always knew he wanted to touch you.
You always knew he was the one who did That.
You knew how desperate he was.
You, in a sense, are glad he is gone."
I sob quietly into my arm as I tell myself the truth.
"You know. You knew all these things. You knew. You KNEW.
Did you like it, Madi? Did you love him that way, too?
You knew. You never said a word. But you knew."
On the cracked cement behind the local diner, I cried and didn’t move for hours. Partly because I was already missing Jay and partly because I didn’t want him to ever come home.
