Rated T (no warnings)
Words: 1,275
Tags: Post-Canon, Epistolary, minor Astarion x Tav, Friendship
Summary:
Over a year after the battle with the Elderbrain, Tav sits to write a letter to an old friend. She isn't really sure what the point of it is, or if she'll even send it. But this is her routine. Her exorcism, of sorts, as she vaguely tries to navigate the landmine of her thoughts. It will take more than one letter, of course, but right now, that's all there's time for.
I don't really know what to say, or why I'm even penning this letter. I'm on my second glass of red, and…
In truth, I'm almost certain I won't even send this thing, so what the hells; why not?
I saw you the other day, you know, in passing, down by the river. You were with your comrade, the one who helped us sneak into the circus when we first arrived to the Gate a year ago.
Gods, do you remember that? I mean, all of that madness—the tadpole, the brain. The Emperor… Bloody hells, what a time. Some days, I scarcely believe any of that really happened, but the scars still leftover on the city tell a different story. One not so easily buried and forgotten.
Anyway, so I saw you. You and your friend were chatting. Seemed to be deep in conversation when you and I bumped into one another. Well, more like our shoulders brushed each other, but even still, you carried on.
I didn't feel badly at the time; I still don't, although Astarion gave me that look when I brought it up to him.
Yeah, I guess I don't believe myself either.
Hells, we all went through so much together. We didn't even know one another from an ogre's left ass cheek back then, back in the beginning of that mess. Yet we all banded together, found common ground (for the most part), and most importantly—we fucking survived.
We survived and forged what I thought were long-lasting bonds, but then we just… stopped looking for each other.
Hells, I was shocked anyone even showed up to Withers' gathering, let alone you. The bright shining star of the group. You really did keep us all together for a while, you know?
You all said it was me, how I was the glue; but if that were true, where are all of you now?
Except for Astarion—gods bless his ornery, chapped ass—you've all just… moved on. And that's fine and well and all. I'm happy for all of you. Truly.
Wyll is most certainly busy with his duties to the city. I see him around sometimes, surrounded by a gaggle of officials chatting his ear off. He always has that look on his face. That pleasant, patient smile, but his eyes… they're still full of yearning for something that I'm not sure he will ever find. Not as the archduke.
Karlach is doing the best she can given the time we were able to buy her by convincing her to go back to Avernus with Dammon. I swear, those two were made for one another. My one solace in knowing she's still in that hell-hole is that he's with her. And that she gets to live.
I miss her dearly. Don't you?
Do you miss me?
I miss you.
Anyway, Halsin is apparently the leader of some harem in the forest—I jest. But I do hear he's taken to being a father figure to many younglings, and that's quite noble of him. I'm sure he still makes time to partake nature's gifts, although I wonder when he'll come visit the Gate again…
Gale seems happy, too, in his pedantic way. Astarion and I went to visit him in Waterdeep a month ago. He seems to have gained a renewed vigor for life, which is very reassuring to see after… you know… everything.
Jaheira and Minsc left the city a while ago. Harper business, or so I've been told. I'm not sure I really care, to be honest.
I can be honest with you, can't I?
Shadowheart is Shadowheart. You know her and I were never the best of friends, but she at least also seems to be faring well. I hear she's taken to doing outreach in the lower city. Orphaned children and the like.
Maybe Halsin can come be Oak Daddy in the Gate one of these nights with our dear moody cleric.
Ha! Sorry. The wine seems to be getting to my head.
But this is just how we used to be, weren't we?
We used to chat about everything and anything, with the greatest of ease. And now… well, now I'm writing you letters you'll never read.
What happened to us, old friend? Where did things fracture between us?
Was our friendship truly only the product of survival against devastating odds? Did we share no common ground on anything else besides the will to see another day?
I know I got a bit heavy back there, towards the end. Pushing all of you away a bit, keeping more to myself, and only allowing Astarion close by much of the time.
But… I was hurting, you know?
I was in so much pain, and I never had any time to process any of it. None of us did, I suppose. We were all dragged into that nautiloid with our own heaping tons of luggage, and then expected to save the world as though it were the easiest feat known to man.
At least we did the latter, with our luggage in tow.
Well, thanks for helping me carry mine for a time. I remember yours being quite hefty at times, when you would lean on me. I hope your friend has helped ease that load for you, or provides you with some relief from the darkness that still lingers in our minds.
Because you feel it, too, don't you? The fear of what's next. The other shoe (or tentacle) to fall from the sky and upend everything all over again.
No? Well, I'm happy for you. But maybe not, because that is just shit, don't you think? That any of us would ever truly feel happiness after everything. Things I can't even mention because of the horror it stirs up within me anew.
Gods, the wine. Sorry.
Astarion is looking at me funny. I suppose he wants me to get to bed now. (He just wants me to read to him. It's helps him fall asleep faster.)
And I guess I should be getting to sleep now. It's almost dawn, and I should be tucking my vampire in lest he become cinders. Now he's really looking at me oddly… ah, here he comes. It's like he knows I'm saying—
~~~~
"Darling, dove," Astarion purred, leaning down to nuzzle Tav's neck. "Let's get to bed, shall we?"
Tav sighed, bunching up the note into a ball with one hand and caressing the back of his head with the other. Holding his face close to her skin, because in the end, he was all she had.
It wasn't a matter of convenience, either. They truly enjoyed one another's company, love each other deeply, but there were just… times… when Tav missed things. When she missed her dear old friend.
Alas, the melancholy called it a night and dissipated the moment Astarion scooped her into his arms, walking them down into the cellar beneath their cabin on the outskirts of the city. And as the rusted bar slid through the metal door at the top of the steps, ensuring no one could get in without a well-placed fireball, Tav waited.
Watching her beloved come down the steps. Into her arms. Holding her close. Whispering in her hair,
"We have it all, don't we?"
Tav was quiet for a second, thinking of that face, the visage of a friend who once held such a vital role in her life, if only for a short time.
And finally, she answered, speaking true, even if wistfully so,
If you'd like to show some love on AO3 where it was originally posted (here), I would appreciate it. Either way, love here is still great and cherished. 💜
Meeting you is tomorrow’s Present, still I want to gift Wrap moments for you now; I want you to meet the dogsAs they are today, pet them, Wa
This is a poem about simultaneously being present and feeling like the beauty you are experiencing is meant to be shared with someone not yet in your life.
