#witcher shitposting

[sigunnlafeyson]

keep remembering my old ships

[darklyhandsome]

Saw this screencap from Tangled:

And thought: is this how Geralt taught Roach to defend herself?

[vossn]

An unusual contract

[pterodactylterrace]

Geralt is almost always the little spoon.

Jaskier tends to use him as furniture, so it just kind of works out that way. Jaskier almost always initiates whatever contact they have, and Geralt just goes with it. Bard in the lap? Ok. Jaskier’s head on his chest? Fine. Jaskier rolling over and plastering himself against Geralt in the middle of the night? Why not.

Plus he can pretend he is a horsie when Jaskier is clinging to his back.

[a-kind-of-merry-war]

[chaotic-bard]

Netflix’s The Pitcher

[lioneliness-etc]

The Witchers make fun of Ciri in a dress because they have no tact so Jaskier comes to dinner wearing one of Yennefer’s gowns but altered to fit him perfectly???

The witchers collectively spitting out their drinks

Eskel: Geralt… your bard is RIPPED. Shredded, even. Did you know this??

Lambert: beefy… 😳

Vesemir: *raising an eyebrow in appreciation*

Geralt: *sighing* yes it recently came to my attention.

Alternately: dresses actually have really great leg mobility, so Ciri just high kicks one of them in the gut.

[bounce-a-coin-off-your-witcher]

The Witcher Characters as Things My Chaotic 13-year-old Brother Has Said

Geralt: I always feel better after a good yell, you know? I ride my bike down the trail by the school, wander into the woods a bit, and scream until everything is okay again.

Ciri: There’s a huge toad in the back yard and I named him Colonel Mustard. He’s ginormous and I’m going to find a way to turn him into Godzilla.

Yennefer: I make sure to use a lot of moisturizer so girls will want to hold my hands.

Jaskier: Me, go to a high school dance alone? Absolutely not. When I’m in high school I’m going to every single dance with at least three dates. I want to be, like, anime-boy popular.

Eskel: Flossing is stupid. The dance, not the stuff you do with your teeth. That’s actually really important.

Lambert: I’ll bet you a new pair of Crocs that I can climb this entire tree.

Triss: No one saw me do it so it’s not my fault.

Vesemir: Have you considered giving up entirely and moving to a shed in Scotland? I have. Sounds nice. 

Stregobor: Dad keeps calling me a rat bastard but I know for a fact that he’s my biological father. I know because everyone in this family has the same flat butt.

Renfri: Guess who has two thumbs and just got banned from a McDonald’s Playplace?! Not me, actually. I respect Ronald’s habitat.