The Witcher Characters as Things My Chaotic 13-year-old Brother Has Said
Geralt: I always feel better after a good yell, you know? I ride my bike down the trail by the school, wander into the woods a bit, and scream until everything is okay again.
Ciri: There’s a huge toad in the back yard and I named him Colonel Mustard. He’s ginormous and I’m going to find a way to turn him into Godzilla.
Yennefer: I make sure to use a lot of moisturizer so girls will want to hold my hands.
Jaskier: Me, go to a high school dance alone? Absolutely not. When I’m in high school I’m going to every single dance with at least three dates. I want to be, like, anime-boy popular.
Eskel: Flossing is stupid. The dance, not the stuff you do with your teeth. That’s actually really important.
Lambert: I’ll bet you a new pair of Crocs that I can climb this entire tree.
Triss: No one saw me do it so it’s not my fault.
Vesemir: Have you considered giving up entirely and moving to a shed in Scotland? I have. Sounds nice.
Stregobor: Dad keeps calling me a rat bastard but I know for a fact that he’s my biological father. I know because everyone in this family has the same flat butt.
Renfri: Guess who has two thumbs and just got banned from a McDonald’s Playplace?! Not me, actually. I respect Ronald’s habitat.