I've been binding for about half a year now and it's been helping quite a lot with my chest dysphoria but I still can't get over whether I want to fully transition or just get top surgery (if that's even possible without T), that on top of my slew of internal medical issues and depression I can't seem to tell whether this dysphoria is based on my self loathing or an actual want to be male. I'm 18, afab, and in the closet save my boyfriend who is supportive but hasn't caught the drift yet (1/2)
Is there any way to help figure out what’s truly going on without hashing out money to see a psychologist? I can barely afford treatments for my Chron’s but doing a full transition on top of law school could be even worse. Any suggestions on what to do to feel less confused while neck deep in the (imo) most ignorant city in AZ? (2/2)
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While the other mods can put in more information for you regarding binding and the other transmasculine aspects of your question (this being on reason why I am posting this rather than replying privately), I can safely say a few things.
Any medical complications are….. well, going to be complicated, when it comes to both surgery and going on testosterone. I don’t want you to take this as me being rude, but there is absolutely no safe way to go about that without seeing a doctor. Hormones and surgeries are nothing to mess around with.
Try and get in with some of your campus organizations, I’d be extremely surprised if there are no LGBT groups on campus. As well as those, on my campus, we have a program called CAPS, Counseling And Psychological Services which are all free to me as a student. Just look and see what there is to see for you, really.
I personally believe that it’s important to be very up-front in my relationships, but obviously it’s your relationship that we’re talking about, so you have to make that call entirely on your own.
I hope some of this helps, and that the other mods can help too!
Other mod here with some friendly transmasculine advice!
Speaking from experience, it’s likely that your dysphoria is making your depression and self-loathing worse, not the other way around. If you don’t have money to see a psychologist, that’s okay. There might not be other ways to get professional treatment, but you can help yourself by talking to people - maybe your boyfriend, if you are out to him - about how you feel. Sometimes it helps just to get things off your chest, and talking is really all you do with a psychologist anyways. It’s the psychiatrists that can prescribe medication.
If you do decide that you don’t want to transition with testosterone, I know there are surgeons who will do top surgery without T, but I don’t know of specific ones off the top of my head. Ryan Cassata is the most famous trans guy I know who's gone that route and done surgery without T.
And Liz makes a great point - most campuses have free counseling programs for students along with LGBTQ+ clubs and groups, so looking into those would be a great idea!
