I miss when walking outside at night felt warm, inviting, embracing to the needs of the little human adventurer inside of me. But now I feel a bit apprehensive and downright suspicious of the nocturnal happenings of the city. The neighborhood of my apartment complex just doesn’t seem welcoming and every walk involves some strange hooded lone figure walking in vague and undecided directions.
I’m really glad I have my saint and dingo though. No one fucks with the petite woman with the giant-mammoth-hound who barks so deeply it’s like a vibration that shifts you in your place, and the feral-fox-dog who will literally rip out your throat if you come at me with violent intention. You can just see it in his pretty, lovingly murderous eyes.
But. I’m old and paranoid at the ripe age of 22. And this is coming from the girl who use to roam the planet barefoot and braless, running with mostly dogs and a few other nature loving/adventure hungry kids, as if all of the outside was a potential place to explore and understand. As a child I saw property lines as comforting delusions for adults, for earth was owned by no one and it would be here beyond us all. And this was reinforced by friendly neighbors who welcomed the outdoor play of children, and loved the presence of life circling, who wanted to share what they felt was theirs, with others.
I can’t tell if things are just different.
Of course I grew up and accepted the social constructs of material ownership (whether I truly believe in their concrete existence or not), and even feel my own possessive desire to ‘own’ and control resources I depend on and utilize.
However, is our world truly more dangerous or are we just more consciously aware of the present stimuli of danger, due to the news evolutions and technological communication advancements? Could both be increasing in frequency? There was still war, disease, murder, horrible acts of humanity occurring in nearly every historical time of human relevance, but what what makes it different? Am I just old now, is my brain more focused on survival and ensuring my genes flourish and hopefully spread, or maybe it's that and hormonal changes? Is my constant anxiety just plateauing into a consistent state of slight paranoia and desire to be acutely aware of potential danger, of what ‘could happen but likely wont’?
And what of all the shootings? The gang violence? I'm not the only one feeling it is all hitting too close to home. As our city becomes more populated, does the violence increase? Has the current population that has always been here, become more prone to violence? Does the social spread of fear encourage over-protection which ups the antics of feeling safe and increasing the probability of a violent situation occurring?
have we just had enough of so much? Have we as a species had enough of the violence, the abuse, the inadequate control and distribution of resources? Is it a spiritual issue that our reincarnated souls are repetitively perceiving so as to change it? Is the violence we are all so aware and educated over becoming a theme of focus that we can't blur the vision of until it’s truly( if ever) resolved? Are we just animals trapped in an artistic dimension that our minds make more magic out of then actually exist? Perhaps the opposite? Are we doomed to ruin everything for ourselves, all the while being aware of it?
I don’t know, but I’m anxious to walk out my door at night and the stars can’t guide me when they’re smothered in the pollution of city breath.
and I want to be brave. I want to feel the darkness, and have the light of the moon bath my mortal skin as it moves upon the world it was meant to move upon.