#wpih

[squareroot-1]

Well, time for my reminder that I am actually not good at being vulnerable, at all.

(In the sense of like. The step where I do it.)

-I think a reason I notice this less are that things that are like, the classic ~illustrations are in fact things I *do* do. But - this is a very 'it's about what it is for you' thing.

(-And I *know* that vulnerability is the - don’t know words - to intimacy, I can feel that, and I *want* it. But.)

[notebookundermydesk]

I think something about the glowfic format is making it easier for me to tell when I don’t understand something/am confused. (For whatever reason this is one of those things my brain is bad at noticing even though that is completely ridiculous). Dunno what it is - the replies format? The writing format in general? Something else? Or maybe it’s not actually a real effect (I’m noticing repeatedly with in color, and... maybe had a few with imperial permissions? can’t remember. Can’t remember at all for the others.) But, thing.

[squareroot-1]

Wow I figured out a great social technology for me personally! (Or, kind of noticed that a particular thing would be a great social technology for me personally).

The someone's-day thing! (Or two hours, or video call, or...). Can be between fewer people including two.

Specifically in the - 'it's your day so you get to say things you want (to do)'. (Of course with some kind of no system etc). Not as something rare like birthdays (thought of which is what got me on the subject) but more often etc.

I think this would be very good for me, because I like doing things for people (but I need to know they want them) and I have desires for things I want re people (but I have a lot of barrier etc for asking etc, worry about imposing, worry about asking too much...)

And this would be good for *both* things, and have the built in 'balance', and hit my 'well this is what you're supposed to do'

[squareroot-1]

Today's mood: awake enough to notice I'm not real.

[squareroot-1]

I want to be real and to do things and I have no idea how to get either of these things

[squareroot-1]

I wonder what it is that decides which actions are not a problem to do and which - are friction and become blockers.

I watched a video recently by an adhd person about house organization strategies, and one of theirs in the kitchen was putting things they use for something all right close to where they use them, which is important, because if they need to walk to get things they run into problems (though they mentioned getting distracted rather than friction; I think other people have friction though). And I thought of that earlier today, while I was walking back and forth across the kitchen to do a thing I do regularly and casually, and - I think for me walking across the room, if I’m already standing etc, is basically not a problem? Like probably it’s at all more of a thing than not, but it pretty much doesn't feel like friction and I can’t think of cases where it’s a blocker for me. But I know that’s not true for other people!

Conversely, for instance, I have two factor authentically for a work thing, and this is absolutely friction. Even though nothing about the actions involved is difficult for me. Having to get stuff from multiple places on my computer is an issue. I read an organization book years back that talked about how having a bunch of steps in putting things away (or taking them out) will very often lead to people not, and I super have this - if something is in a box behind another thing or something, chances that I will get it out or put it away go way way down. The difference between something being in a box (even not behind something) and a drawer is palpable for me.

And I know it’s not just me with things like this - it’s not even just a neurodivergent thing. The organization book was just a regular organization book. I know there’s actually a specific known established thing in web ui etc, that if you put something behind two links rather than one people clicking on it goes way, way down.

And again, I don't know what it is that does it. It’s clearly something in the brain, but I don’t know how it works at all!

[squareroot-1]

Another problem about my problems:

I feel like I have a bunch of problems that are of the type like,

‘I spend a bunch of time a day interacting with a filing system. The filing system is not good, so I keep not finding things, losing things, getting upset and frustrated, getting overwhelmed, having weird workarounds that cause other problems, etc’.

This is - totally a problem! but usually it’s not really the kind of problem one uses a therapist for - usually one would want to go to things about organizing filing systems better.

Except that my problems like this pretty much always involve various things with how my brain works, and how this clashes with stuff, so even if a regular body of best practices existed (which, not sure it does for some of them - is there even a body of best practices for how to read discord?) (also come to think this is all complicated by the fact that I pretty much can only get this kind of info in general by someone telling it to me, so I’d also be/am out of luck in any area where I can’t get that), it wouldn’t actually usually help me with my problem.

But then I don’t know what to *do* about it.

[squareroot-1]

So it occurs to me that ‘contacting people’ is in fact an instance of ‘doing things’ and this may be responsible for my trouble contacting people, given that I have trouble doing things