Can you just sit down, and be normal for a bit?
Afternoon dandy drinking Pallies! Its Sunday. Sunday Funday? NFL day? The day of The Lord? The day your spawn was summoned to play with another spawn.
Do you understand what I am trying to fucking tell you?
Turns lights down, puts on some Barry White, kicks off the ole stockings and lifts skirt to the knee
I am never home completely alone in the afternoon, and what a God damn rush.
*Pops can of that the King of Kings of light Beer Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeey Stone*
As I was saying, I am A-L-O-N-E. Spelled out for you and everything. My offspring seems to be having more of a social life than the rest of the population. Or is it just me?
Definitely me, and do you want to know why?
It is because I am just so fucking weird. Can my mouth just not spew nonsense at strangers after simple questions. I need like a delayed feature on the ole brain box like. “ Please wait- System Processing.” Give me a solid 15 seconds and i can give you a much normal adult like response. Alas, that is not how this kitty-cat is wired.
I dropped the little social butterfly at her friends home whom I had never been to. This was not the average midwestern middle class home. No. This is the house you dream about hanging at. They have a fucking movie theater in the basement.
The mother who I interact with was gone and it was only the father. This was our first encounter literally EVER, and I rollup in WWE leggings, messy emo pony tail and a sweatshirt. I feel like off my looks alone, sets off some parental red flags.
As I was departing this beautiful mansion of a home, my daughter points out that I am going to be the next WWE Universal Champion. I smile uncomfortably, and say “ I should have just worn the title belt.” As soon as the words came out of my fucking gob I instantly knew my parental reputation was a goner. This man probably thought I was a loon, and wanted to escort my ass off his property, but he asked kindly, “ Oh you watch wrestling?” I answered, “ Oh yah, we watch it as a family Monday and Fridays.” Instant blood rushed to my face and flooded my cheeks. I told him I would text his wife to know what time to pick up the little, then headed to the door. As I was leaving my sweatshirt caught the handled I was yanked backwards leaving me looking more foolish than Ellsworth on Carmella’s Leash. (Friends this is a a wrestling reference.)
I then look back unhook myself off the damn knob, and slunk shamefully to my car. The look on this man’s face was amused beyond all belief. You could tell he was holding back laughter.
It is probably time for me to invest in some New Balance sneaks, printed Wisconsin Sweatshirts and put my hair in a normal ass pony tail.
The problem is no matter what you put on my living corpse, I am still going to be the weirdo that loves wrestling, punny lame jokes, and dresses like a hippie princess.
Own it. Embrace your weirdness. I think everyone gets insecure with who they are and such at times, and its normal. I didn’t think that being a parent I would worry about what the other parents think of me and now, here we are. So I will need to just take my own advice out of the Samtastic Guide of Life, and just let my freak flag fly.
Be yourself. Love hard. Drink Fast, and have another.
