#yaybox

[only-knives]

It really does seem like so many abled folks, or even fellow disabled folks who can't relate to someone else's disability, really just are incapable of extending grace and kindness.

Your post reminded me of my friend who has really terrible chronic migraines, so bad that she missed a lot of school and was unable to graduate as a result, I remember everyone always made a big deal about it when she did show up to school. A lot of the time when we plan to get together she has to cancel on me and the way she thanks me so profusely for always being so nice about her 'being flaky' as she puts it breaks my heart, she's so used to being berated and chastised for cancelling because of her migraines that me telling her that we can always reschedule and that I'd rather her stay home and rest than make herself miserable forcing herself to spend time with me is outlandish to her. But I get it because I also feel this constant need to be sorry to my partner that we don't go out and do things almost ever because I don't feel well enough to very often due to my own disabilities, logically I know I shouldn't need to apologize for being disabled, but the way I've been treated about it my whole life tells me otherwise.

Anyway sorry for the tangent, and I'm sorry the people in your life have been so unforgiving, you deserve so much grace and understanding and it makes me angry that you haven't received it.

🥺 this is so kind. thank you. i really relate to your friend. i cant even describe how humiliating it feels to finally be able to show up somewhere and have people single you out for it, turning it into a joke or other criticism. as much as i dont want anyone else to be treated that way, it's good to know it isn't just me. some people really do just fucking suck ass. and sometimes that's most people. ugh.

i am very grateful to kind people like you in this world, and i hope the guilt you feel lessens over time. i can feel mine slowly lifting, especially within the past few weeks. it feels good to not have as much of my brain occupied by critical thoughts. i want everyone to experience freedom from that if they struggle with it too, even if it isn't all at once (probably isn't for 99.9% of us really).

[intersexfairy]

5'3 intersex plural system with a headmate named julian

me and you, apparently 🤝

bahahaha thats amazing. u got me beat by like 4 inches tho. hold on lemme put on my platforms 🏳️‍⚧️

[only-knives]

This might be worded a bit oddly so apologies in advance, but - what are your thoughts on the medical system and its faults? I'm very critical of it, especially as a chronic pain patient where I've been repeatedly denied treatment, more specifically denied opioids. Have you had similar experiences?

Thank you and have a good day :]

absolutely. i have barely been to specialists within the past 2 years because i'm tired of it. even once they found what was wrong with my back, nothing got better, i've only gotten worse - despite seeing doctors for years. i've pretty much given up for now and am waiting to change my insurance to see better specialists. i do have one EDS specialist,

as for the medical system itself... i am also very critical of it. most health professionals overall aren't trained to treat everyone equally. whether it's therapy or medicine. then there's how grossly for-profit the medical system is. the therapy system is as well, but in my experience mental health clinics are more likely to have financial accommodations like sliding scale.

then there's the power imbalance. like that post with psychiatrists someone made, doctors also gatekeep access to treatment based on their own assumptions and prejudices. doctors have sent many people to their graves through neglect. there's also the issue of sexual assault by professionals. and emotional abuse. and physical abuse.

i think medical professsionals have an important role in society, and i'm sure many do want to help people. unfortunately their capabilities are capped due to their own prejudices and how insurance and US law and capitalism forces them to do their jobs even when they are good, accepting people.

it's a very frustrating situation and i wish we lived in a world where doctors just treated people solely from a sense of community care & personal interest, rather than financial gain (for either themselves or the capitalists).

[only-knives]

just wanted to say good luck in weaning off effexor if you choose to! that shit was Fucking Evil for me too and caused one of the worst withdrawals I've ever been through tbh goddamn

ty!! i do want to at some point in my life bc otherwise i'll be on this shit forever and who knows what That does.

i swear in 20 years we're all gonna be part of some massive class action lawsuit because of the neurochemical imbalance hypothesis causing doctors to overprescribe psych medications bringing unnecessary risks to patients and doing us harm from side effects (esp permanent ones), dependence/withdrawal, overdosing (like putting a patient on too high of a dose), and whatever crazy ass shit being on psych meds for decades does to your overall health.

[only-knives]

genuinely appalled to see so many people being cruel to you over your lived experiences and things you've seen in real time. thank you for speaking up about transandrophobia, it's incredibly important and reassures me as a fellow transfemmasc that there'll eventually be unity.

don't doubt yourself if you can help it. it's okay to feel bad, especially when someone blatantly misinterprets and attacks you, but that doesn't mean you did anything wrong. you're allowed to not fawn!!!

🥺 tysm !! i am starting to feel more grounded. like. i can be. my own person. and u and others here have been rly helping me w that by supporting me 🫂 which i appreciate a lot.

like. we are realizing how many rules we don't believe in that we follow because we are scared and blame ourselves. mainly me and matt. jordan has kept our rebelliousness for us.

i am grateful that we have him. matt and i are more passive. and we see how much transandrophobia hurts him specifically, since he is more masculine of center.

though he has not been around much lately... he isn't doing too well :( which i guess is why matt and i really wanna speak up. he's spoke up for us a lot and now it's time we do the same for him.

[only-knives]

We recently stumbled on the term systemfluid, meaning a fluid gender that changes based on who is fronting, and honestly applying that idea to ourselves has saved us a lot of headaches trying to pick a single collective gender. Being a system makes a lot of identity stuff complicated when people expect you to pick one gender, one orientation, one easy for them to understand label, it doesn't hold up in the context of plurality or just in the context that people change and aren't static.

Basically do whatever you want forever.

oh oh! yea!!! systemfluid fits. or pluralgender. quite literally fits whether u see it as multiple genders or multiple identities. tysm for sharing this w me!

and if anyone knows any More terms that may collectively describe our gender (helps us Not Forget that other alters experience gender differently from and our individual realities as alters are part of a whole). ...send :3

[only-knives]

hey I wanted to say, re: your sister not remembering the stuff you know happened to her and you -

This is really really common, especially with her still living at home. It probably genuinely is not safe to her nervous system and brain to remember it while still being stuck living with and reliant on both parents.

trauma like incest especially, is extremely difficult to face when still in the active situation. a person's brain often cannot cope with the reality (x happened, this is a dangerous person, but also, I am totally reliant on them and cannot escape, and they have the power to hurt me more. so I have to do whatever I can to reduce severity of being hurt, even if that means denying things or literally the brain not letting me remember certain things). Trying to hold those two realities is literally crazy-making, it's why so many incest survivors are plural and/or have structural dissociation. It's *so* common. It's just impossible for the human brain to hold these realities at the same time and not utterly lose their shit. So the brain protects and denies things to keep more sane.

this is often why getting out of the house leads to huge difficulties for people getting out of incest - suddenly they are in a place where it is safe(r) to reckon with what has happened, and the memories start coming back, and it's harder to deny yourself. This often causes huge crisis for the people, especially the first few years, and especially if still in contact with family.

It's so brutal to go through this, and i'm so sorry the rest of your family is trying to pit you against your sister, and that they're all refusing to see this and believe you. You deserve so much better.

This is a really common dynamic in family where incest has occurred, and it's incredibly painful, and i'm so sorry you're going through this.

I dunno if it would help to read about other people's experience of this same thing (family denial and suppression, psychiatrizing the person who spoke up, calling them delusional or that theyre trying to make problems, etc) but one thing I've really found helpful is the writings of Clementine Morrigan.

Your memories are real, you are getting through this, and i'm glad you are alive. It does get easier, and healing can happen, I swear.

Sending so much love 💜💜💜

oh. thank you so much for this. this really helps. ive been trying to find more info on experiences like mine but every time i just get general article about abuse after general article about abuse.

this whole thing rly has been crazy-making. it's like every single day i have to wrangle my brain into realizing this happened and none of this is my fault or responsibility. like last night i had the urge to go crying to my dad to tell him how sorry i am and hug him.

it's all to the point where our emotions are so uncontrollable sometimes it's like. only confirming that it happened. which can freak us out more. it's all this brutal cycle of doubt denial flashback crisis depression anger denial depression acceptance fear fear fear fear fear fear - eventual acceptance & normalcy. doubt. repeat.

i'll check out clementine morgan's work - it really helps when i read things about DID, C-PTSD, trauma, and dissociation and realize it explains everything. as far as the gaslighting goes.

thank you friend :( i hope good times come sooner than later

[only-knives]

when it comes to pacing at that severity level, you have to account for things like sensory input too. ex i have to keep my lights dim & cant watch videos.

you might want to look into getting a minifridge & microwave to keep near your bed too, that way you dont have to walk to the kitchen to eat

i already keep my lights dim altho i do push myself sometimes because it gets tiring having to live in the dark. i feel so sad and lonely whenever i actually turn off the lights, even if i physically feel better. i've just been assuming it's because i'm autistic and depressed.

but yeah, i've actually been wanting a minifridge, but i didn't really understand what i wanted to do with it so i never go it. i guess once we get our next backpay check we'll get a minifridge. or it can be our large purchase for next month.

thank you for this ask really. it's a reality check to hear someone else say severity level. i really have been thinking i'm choosing this even though i don't want this. i hate internalized ableism so much.