In summation: How do you words?
I actually ended up being WAY more involved in the con than I initially thought I would be, especially since I was on the fence for awhile about whether or not I was going to go. For those of you that went, I know it probably didn't seem like it because I was very chatty all weekend, but I usually go through an entire day speaking a 1000 words or less. I don't even feel like that's much of an exaggeration.
It was so, so good for me to get involved with this. Even when I was hesitant about going, I was still very excited about it. I remember early on there were discussions in TinyChat about what exactly was going to be happening at the con. And I remember that the first suggestion of karaoke was turned down because, while it was a fun idea, no one had equipment to make it happen. And I remember thinking to myself, "I can make this happen. We can do this. I have almost everything we need, if I can just manage to not to pull a Mia Thermopolis at the mic while I try to get the event started, everything should be fine." And I love that I was able to contribute that to the con.
As nauseatingly nervous as I usually am in front of a group of people, I think it's pretty remarkable that I didn't feel that way at all this weekend. And I think I large part of that is because I was able to talk to a large percentage of you on TinyChat and through the message boards before the con even started. I don't think I would have been as comfortable participating in the panels if I hadn't initially spoken up about Karaoke and kind of put myself in a position where it was necessary for me to familiarize myself with everyone.
I have never in my life felt so comfortable in and with group of people before. I was able to speak my mind about a subject that I'm deeply interested in, and for the first time ever I got praised for my feedback instead of the usual comments of: "you're still thinking about that??" "you need a hobby." "your investment in this is borderline obsessive."
Bridget, Molly, and Karyn all expressed to me separately that they appreciated the contributions I made in the panels, and just having those three even acknowledge my presence is hugely overwhelming to me. But on top of that someone actually listened to something I said and took something away from it. And I just... my experience with expressing myself up to this point has been that I could talk till I was blue in the face about something, but brick walls would be more adept at absorbing the information than anyone in hearing distance. So I usually don't even bother.
And I think I received more hugs from John in the last four days than I've received from anyone in the last four months combined.
What I was really hoping to walk away with from this convention was to A) meet people who have largely, albeit indirectly, been a part of my life for the last four-ish years, and hopefully manage a few coherent words of praise for their works and themselves in general, and B) possibly achieve a few tentative friendships with some of the attendees.
So Leah's "We're friends now. You have to make me fanart." comment as I was leaving seriously made my day. And also all of yesterday and today when I was refreshing twitter every hour or so, there was a whole slew of people talking to me and each other about missing their Con Family. And I love that at the end of everything we all feel that way each other. It's been pretty unanimous that the con felt more like home to us than our actual homes. Everything just turned out so much better than I ever could have imagined it going. And I am so so grateful to John and Karyn for putting this all together. I don't think I can ever truly express how much this weekend meant to me.
Come hell or high water, I will be at West, because I need you guys in my life and I already miss you like crazy.
All I've ever wanted was to feel special and chosen, and... I just... I wanted to thank you guys so much for giving me that. That's all. - Rachel Berry
