Tales Over Coffee

Hi! My name is Kt and I would love to be friends! I am friendly, ambitious and have a creative mind. I love animals, drink lotsa coffee, have a marvelous sense of humor and wear dresses as frequently as the Minnesota weather permits. I graduated college May 2017 with my Bachelor's Degree in Marketing. My blog is where I tell stories from my past and now, give my funny perspective on things and throw my ideas out to the world! Right now, I am using my blog to talk about my fight against myself with my eating disorder. Can we be friends yet?

[talesovercoffee]

Goodbye Sugar Day 6: The Hunger Scale

When you tummy growls, there are a few factors to think about. When I originally lost all of my weight, I neglected to eat enough calories to make my body happy. My first objective to start eating enough calories like a normal human was met last year (woohoo!) but a new hurdle rose after that. I’m talking about the hunger scale. What I get hung up on now and have been working on correcting is my quickness to eat the moment I felt hungry. Now, I try to follow the level on the hunger scale when I start to feel hungry. 

Level 1: Starving

Feeling dizzy and like you are about to pass the fuck out means you are on level one of the hunger scale. If you are on this level, OBVIOUSLY EAT SOMETHING! Trying to shred weight doesn’t mean feeling light headed and not being able to live a life worth living. So eat if you are at this point!

Level 2: Tummy Rumblies

When your tummy starts to growl heavily, that’s a key sign it’s time for food! I try to make sure my tummy has been at it a hot minute before I start to eat now. I usually get this feeling right after I get done with work because I know dinner time is approaching. Don’t ignore your body, it wants food! If you get too far into this level, the odds of over eating when you finally decide to eat rises. Eat when you’re hungry!

Level 3: Feeling A Little Empty

While at work, I get this feeling a lot. I think this level of hunger comes from not having enough water, being bored, or right before another meal. It’s okay to be in this area for a bit until it’s meal time. However, if this feeling happens to me while I’m bored at my desk, I will ignore the feeling until it’s lunch time. This level requires discretion and is where a lot of people mess up because it’s more cloudy and hard to judge at this level. This is the spot where I go eat everything in the house when alone because I think I can have a little something which then turns into a lot of something. If you feel a little empty, it’s okay to have a small snack but don’t use up all of your daily allotted food during this time.

Level 4: Content

You don’t need to eat when you are content. If you are bored be very careful of this level. Sometimes I go and get a snack when I feel perfectly fine because I’m bored. Are you part of the clean plate club? My mom always used to say I have to finish everything on my plate before dinner was over. Now I only put as much food as I feel like I can finish on my plate. But, in the case there is still too much food there and I’m to the point of contentment, I have been having myself put away my food for later. 

Level 5: Stuffed

I hate this level the most. The feeling you get after you eat a jar of peanut butter, bag of chips, half a gallon of ice cream and all of your leftovers from dinner. This feeling is not only uncomfortable in your body but also your mind. You feel regret, ashamed, and like a monster. This spot is the one I am working on avoiding at all cost. I haven’t gotten here since I started but I am scared of what will happen if I do. I hate the feeling, so hopefully I can learn to avoid ever having to go back to this level.

[chelspineda]

Stroopwafels, a famous Dutch street food. Found in a local street market. Amsterdam, Netherlands

© Chelsea Pineda 2015

[talesovercoffee]

Stroopwafels are the bees knees!!

[talesovercoffee]

Goodbye Sugar Day 5: The Bad Eating and Bad Sleeping Cycle

I love sleep just like everyone else. If I don’t get enough sleep, I am a nightmare to deal with the next day and end up eating a lot of food during the day. One thing I have already noticed is how my dreams and sleep were affected the night of my sugar streak.

My dreams have never been consistent in their type and how they make me feel the next day. I am wondering now if that’s because of how I would binge eat sugar. The dreams I had were terrible nightmares that woke me throughout the whole evening. Since I slept poorly at night, I wanted to eat more during the day! 

Eating bad, sleeping bad, and then eating because you slept bad is an endless cycle. The more I think about this binge eating/sugar craving addiction, the more logic behind it becomes viable. Binge eating or eating poorly are neither something you do instinctively or something you are not in control over. You do them because of the little things such as sleeping poorly. 

I noticed on days where I ate later that I had a hard time sleeping as well. I always called nights where I was sleepless “just a bad night of sleep”. I’m sure that happens in life, but I’m also sure it has to do with our bodies and how we treat them. 

[talesovercoffee]

Goodbye Sugar Day Four: A Plan To Get Over This

Today I decided to make a plan as to how I am going to get over this sugar/binge eating addiction. Saying “I’m stopping my sugary binge eating!” is just words. An action plan will be required for this trip.

Accept Uncomfortable 

I used to eat when I was bored. Naturally, my body says “hey, we need food asap!” when I get bored at work or home. I used to be really good at avoiding temptations and now I have seemed to lost all that willpower. If you want to be in control of yourself, you need to get out of your comfort zone. You need to know you will be “hungry” but that a lot of times that hunger is just boredom/the routine you lived for so long. Get out of the routine, be a little uncomfortable until eating like a normal person makes you comfortable.

Treat the Fear 

I always say that I am strong and can get through anything. If that’s true, then why has this been so hard? I need to stop letting this fall into the background of my life before it ruins my body for good. I need to view sugar/binge eating like I would any fear - I need to see it, experience it, feel uneasy or fearful, and then survive it & grow from it. I always thought of this food problem as part of me. However, I will want to try to overcome it if I change my perspective and make binge eating a weakness/fear. It isn’t me. I am strong, this is something I am choosing to do and have control over.

Believe in Eating Normally 

In order to quit binge eating, you need to accept that you can still be happy and enjoy your day without binge eating. If you keep falling back into your old mindset, you will keep binge eating. That’s what yesterday was, I didn’t stop myself right away. I should have looked at the clock, knew it was late, and said “it isn’t that long until morning, you can eat then!” It’s okay to eat late sometimes, but I do it as a hobby and not like a normal person would. The same rule can be applied for every diet or lifestyle change. You actually have to believe in the change you want to make or you won’t genuinely try!

No Reverting to Starvation 

It’s hard for me to draw the line between binge eating and starving. Yes, two HUGE extremes, but it took me a very long time to get over starving myself so I take it that has something to do with it. I consumed an obscenely low number of calories to remain skinny after I finally hit my goal. After years of doing that and learning to love/accept who I was, I started eating “normally” again. Eating normally quickly escalated into eating a lot. I missed all the “bad” food I had deprived myself before. Allowing to tell myself certain foods again escalated too quickly to eating too much. Sugar is in a lot of foods and cutting sugar means cutting a lot of those addictive foods. I have to learn that normal eating means no starving but also no eating like I’m at a buffet every day.

Acknowledge You’re Not Perfect 

I have been a perfectionist to a degree where I will think about how I could have done something differently over and over and over... This would hurt me and I have been working on changing that over the years. I’ve improved but it’s a cycle of wanting to be perfect, getting to where I want to be, accepting it too much, and then letting it hurt me when I get too comfortable. One major example of this is binge eat. I focused on getting a body I wanted, would get too comfortable with myself, then eat a gallon of ice cream. Beating a bad eating habit is knowing you can still have foods you enjoyed but not the way you used to treat them. It’s a permanent life choice and you can bet that you will slip up because you aren’t perfect. You just have to bounce back and not let it take you over again!

Adopting New Habits 

The eating addiction varies from person to person. For me, I’m the worst when I am bored or left alone for too long. Usually it happens around 9pm since I’m weaker and sleepy at this time and lack the motivation to do anything that requires too much effort. Enter binge eating all the ice cream. Simple, mindless eating and it tastes good! Instead, I’m going to try to clean the house or be with my dog Remmy or do some coloring or pace and watch a show. The eating disorder is an addiction to food, so you need to kick the habit of turning to whatever your weakness is and turn to something else! 

[talesovercoffee]

Goodbye Sugar Day Three: The First Relapse

The sugarless became the sugarful yesterday. I messed up bad. I felt sad about myself but was okay with it because I knew I would have a relapse or two on this road to recovery… but today I told Matt about it and now I feel like trash. He was disappointed, like I expected, but he also said that I should be better than that and that it was me who was the problem. I didn’t expect to hear that, and it stung badly.

Let me start at the fact I am aware what I did was wrong and I’m not trying to justify it! I know I said no sugar, I know I said I wouldn’t snack and I know that I did it anyways! What I was trying to do by fessing up to Matt about my actions was to make myself own up verbally as well as to my fiancé about what I had done. I listed off the food I ate and the feeling of guilt worsened but I also felt strength growing in the shadows. Feelings of relief that it wasn’t worse came in, I was happy I stopped when I did! I can recall some of my worst binges along with what an average binge looks like and this was much less by many calories. 

Normally when I binge, I eat everything in the house. Cereal, ice cream, candy, any leftovers, jelly, random cabinet food, even cheese. It all goes down and sometimes it’s tough to remember what I all ate because it happens so fast. Granted, I did get into a lot of bad stuff the other night but I stopped myself before I hit any of the normal food. I felt a little full and a little icky from doing it and that made me stop. I am learning! No one should expect me to get this 100% right from the start. Have you ever tried a “diet” or lifestyle change? If you have, you know it isn’t easy to stick to your goals and you mess up along the way!

The way Matt reacted stung. I know that it’s my actions that lead to this, but I had taken accountability for all my actions and noticed the difference from what I used to do. In addition to this, it’s not like I have been eating badly every night, which I totally would have been had I not set this goal! I would still be emptying our house of food when I am alone! 

I’m not mad at Matt and I know he meant well. But I do think it’s somewhat insensitive/a little too harsh too soon to say things like “are you even trying?” or “do you actually want to change?” You are damaging someone’s motivation when you say silly stuff like that. Instead of being mad at Matt or myself, I am redirecting that feeling of hurt and making it a learning experience.

[talesovercoffee]

BED Chapter III: Working Out? Nice Joke.

After losing some serious pounds at first and then stumbling into my first weight loss plateau, I started to get annoyed with myself over the summer before starting my senior year of high school. The first plateau happens to people at different times. For some people it’s initially when they start the weight loss process, sometimes its after you loose 20-50 pounds. It varies and the reason for the variation and plateauing is subject to the individual My brain started to turn the gears that had never been turned before in order to solve this puzzle. “Should I actually work out? That’s a funny joke. You don’t work out. Working out is for athletic people. Will it even work for me?”

Going to the gym or for a run down the street was out of the question for me and so was all other physical activity or sports where people were near. It made me feel self-conscious, I didn’t want anyone to look at me. Working out was new to me, I suspected they would all judge me and think I was stupid for even trying. I did small workouts at home in my own room when my parents weren’t around. Jumping jacks, sit ups, and other miscellaneous workouts that could be performed in my small room.

I despised it at first. I could feel my body jiggle and I would get obnoxiously sweaty after only a few minutes of working out. Feeling lightheaded, stupid, and like all my effort was for nothing was what I frequently felt. As time progressed on it all got easier for me. I even started to do P90X workouts! I would do at least 1,000 jumping jacks every day and 1,000 sit ups. This is the time I started to get compulsive and ridiculous. If I missed a day or were a few sit ups short of my daily goal I would get furious with myself. If I ate poorly I would tear myself apart in my head. Didn’t I want to be skinny? The scale trailed down to 135 pounds by the end of senior year, all this working out and “dieting” had led me to success. That’s where my scale stopped for the second time and would not budge.

Meeting my goal weights were always short-lived bursts of happiness followed by self-hatred for not being at the next goal immediately. The second plateau was where I was the meanest to myself and where I believe my mindset had its first change. I called myself weak, I thought I was stuck and would be “ugly” forever. It makes my brain hurt to read this back to myself. I had literally gone from 170 pounds to losing nearly 40 pounds and was meaner to myself and thought I was fatter than I was when I originally started. What was wrong with me? I admit that I still do this sometimes. It seems like I loose sight in what’s important every now and then – being healthy and fit enough to take on every day life and then some. But this 135 plateau at the start of my freshman year of college led to the Pandora’s Box of my life.

[talesovercoffee]

BED Chapter II: Not A Diet – A Lifestyle Change

It was 11th grade when I decided to start losing weight. The first step I took was to eliminate pop. I drank soda every day, I would have at least three cans of Mountain Dew while I would be on the computer every evening. I forced myself to have a bottle of water in place of one of the sodas every night. Water was disgusting to me and I normally would never drink water. I would even opt to not drink anything at all over choosing to drink the wretched water. There was no “trick” that I learned that made me suddenly love water. I had to force myself to eventually give up all pop so that I had no choice but to drink water. After awhile, you forget that you liked flavors and you use water to hydrate and not for pleasure like you would with fizzy drinks.

The elimination of pop led me to start losing weight. I dropped five pounds quickly after giving up pop and learning to suck down water. I requested my dad to start bringing home more healthy foods every week. Berries, apples and bananas started to replace pop tarts, chips and hot pockets. This reality was originally just as hard to swallow as water. I loved my stuffed crust pizza we had every Friday and having chips while I was on the computer was just natural to me. But I started having strawberries when I was on the computer and limited myself to two slices of pizza on pizza night. 

The junk food cravings were powerful when my healthy food switcharoo began. I missed the smell, the taste and even the way that the food made me feel. Some people are different than me, I’m sure there are some strong individuals out there who could trail off the bad foods faster than I did. But my diet change took my entire junior year of high school to get a grasp on. It was the slow transition that I felt comfortable with and I didn’t need results right away. About 10 pounds total were lost during that year! For some, that would be discouraging but for me it was the best frigging thing!

I never thought I would be able to lose weight! It was drilled into my entire being that I was a fat, frizzy haired kid who just couldn’t change. I NEVER thought of the changes I made as the textbook definition of “diet”. I never told my school friends “yeah I am on this new diet – eating fruits and not chips” because it sounded ridiculous in my head. It was a lifestyle change. I started to develop some real willpower and self-control over 11th grade. I could say “no” to the free doughnuts that the teacher brought in and to grab a water in place of a pop when I was at my friends. At this time, I got braces for my messed up teeth and I knew that things were finally going to start happening now. Maybe I would be looked at as actually normal for once! If I had nice teeth and had a normal weight, maybe someone would truly like me.

I had jumped a lot of obstacles by the start of my senior year of high school. I had been through the hurricane of holidays, past the sea of summer ice cream treats and began to learn basic cooking skills. My brain knew that we were running full speed away from our fear of being “fat” and into the light of being “normal”. However, the scale eventually stopped decreasing and remained at the same number every time I stepped onto it. It no longer felt good to see the scale at 150 pounds. Why wasn’t I losing more? Was this the end of the road? This is about the time my brain started to take over on this lifestyle change.

[talesovercoffee]

Questions During A Job Interview Part II: Strengths

What are some of your strengths and skills?

Wherever I am, there is bound to be coffee nearby

I can eat an entire jar of peanut butter by myself. I’m not sure when this will come in handy, but I’m sure the day will present itself soon enough

I laugh at everything -  you never have to worry about no one laughing at your jokes if I’m around 

I use spreadsheets for everything. It’s a very uncommon yet a very effective coping mechanism

I don’t use a used knife when I am getting butter, thus there are never any crumbs in the butter

I am always able to open any jar/bottle I’m given*

*Assuming there is a rubber band accessible, otherwise I can’t open it and this should be a weakness

[talesovercoffee]

Goodbye Sugar Day II: All Around Self-Improvement

My sugar intake isn’t the only thing I am trying to change. I use candy and binge eating as a way to fulfill my soul. Food doesn’t fill my soul, it fills my stomach. I want to know I have more to work on besides just the binge eating of all the sweets in the house. If you think about the thing you are avoiding long enough, you’ll just end up doing it! So, lets distract ourselves with other goals to make this time really worth it.

Water I already only drink water, coffee, and alcohol (in social settings) but I want to drink 66oz of it a day. Usually I already hit this goal, however, I want to make it so that when I feel hungry, I go to water instead of food. Usually when I get off work I head home, open a box of cereal or candy, and go at it until dinner is done. Now, I want to turn to pure/unsweetened water.

Meditation It’s something I always said “I will get to it” but never tried out a whole lot. It’s very hard to turn my brain off as it always takes me on unexpected tangents. What I want to do when I get hungry and crave ice cream or sweets is to stop, breathe, and think about something else. I want to be more in control of my mind, body, and thoughts again.

Happiness There is no reason to be angry and upset so often. Where is the good in being a nightmare to be around? Time to excite people who are going to be spending time with you! Be funny, be smiley, say optimistic things. I used to be a bundle of energy, it’s time to bring that back

Friendship I have been absent from a lot of my friends for a very long time. I choose to stay home or say “no” too often nowadays. Right now I don’t feel the desire to grab a hobby to pass time. I know it would distract me, but my head isn’t in it yet. My brain is still clouded by not knowing who I am and I hope to learn that after I limit the sugar. But for now I want to focus on rebuilding friendships.

[talesovercoffee]

Goodbye Sugar Day One: Why Am I Doing This?

Yesterday was Easter Sunday. I went with my fiancé to his family’s ginormous Easter Extravaganza. Family came from all over the country and even out of the country to make it a jam packed, fun filled day! Everyone brought a dish to share (besides us – as we forgot our contribution at home and didn’t realize until after an hour of driving and were seven minutes away from the celebration). There were delicious potatoes, ham, and plenty of sugary sweets.

As I went around the tables and gathered my spoils of the day, I noticed I had kept getting more and more of the sweet stuff. Most adults indulged in the goodies, but I kept returning for more sweets and not the good foods. Granted it was Easter and holidays are when people splurge, but I do this constantly. When I get home from work I will often turn to sugary cereal or ice cream routinely. I noticed that don’t do this with anything else, only the foods with a lot of sugar in it.

Something I’ve realized over the years is that I always turn to sugar over any other food. I have honestly sat down and eaten an entire gallon of ice cream before. No sugar is safe in my house. Marshmallows get devoured, peanut butter lasts about a day, candy doesn’t stand a chance. Many people always comment on my ability to never get sick of sugar – fore many of adults can only do one piece of cake where I could eat the whole damn thing!

I love health and nutrition and have tracked my calories/food intake in MyFitness Pal for years. I used it to help my get down to 120ish pounds and I thought that counting calories was all I had to do. Everyone said I never have to worry about the food I eat because “You’re skinny!” But I started to look at the macros I ate in detail and was not happy with what I found. I almost ALWAYS ate far over 80grams of sugar a day! Most days were around 80grams! Some of it is fruit, but a lot of it is candy and other sweets with added sugar. The recommended amount of sugar per day for a woman my age is under 40grams. It’s alarming to think about how much more sugar my body is having per day!

I have thought about how sugar impacts me for a long, long time now and have been in denial about it. I know it spikes my energy for short bursts and how seemingly manic in behavior I can be if I have too much. I have decided to take on a 55 day reduced-sugar challenge. During this time, I’ll be keeping my sugar intake around/below 40 grams a day. In other words, cutting my sugar intake by more than half. I will be eating about three servings of fruit per day to get me to my 40 grams and trying to avoid candy and other sugary goodies my body shouldn’t have. 

I’m doing this for my health and not to lose weight or anything to alter my appearance. I am happy with me, I am doing this so I don’t keep raising my chances at being diagnosed with some disease due to my sugar addition. I know I certainly get more moody when I am “wired” on sugar. Since this happens often, I want to see if I level out in moodiness and see how my mood fluctuates/how I feel after kicking the sugar addiction.

[hairstylesbeauty]

[talesovercoffee]

Beautiful Dress!

[talesovercoffee]

BED Chapter I: The Spark

I thought I would start writing a few chapters here and there about my struggle with BED. No, BED is not having a problem with sleeping in a bed and having unhealthy feelings about beds. It is much less cute and comforting than that.

BED is also known as Binge Eating Disorder. Cue dramatic mood change in where you thought this conversation was going. Never have I ever said that I have an eating disorder, nor have I ever said I am not in control of my BED symptoms. “But Kt you just said” I KNOW WHAT I SAID. I have never gone in and been diagnosed with the disorder and I never intend to. 

The reason why I’m writing all of this and future chapters is because I need to get over this my own way. Someone telling me “yup you have an eating disorder” isn’t the help I need and I also am not partial to going to a support group to talk about it. Everyone heals differently. I have struggled with my disorder ever since I was in high school. I didn’t know how to deal with it then and it lead to some explosive and compulsive behaviors. Writing is my form of therapy and letting go. So please, allow me to finally let this go as much as I can by spilling it all over your monitor. I know it will never fully leave me alone, but I can make some progress by doing this.

It all started in high school. I never ate healthy when I was growing up – my parents always brought home frozen pizzas, pop and other junk food for groceries. They never spoke about weight gain or diseases that came from only eating junk food. Eating poorly was part of my lifestyle and I was never told otherwise. I never paid attention in health class when the teacher spoke about healthy eating and staying active. I was alive and wasn’t morbidly obese, so I thought that the subject didn’t apply to me.

Gym was my arch nemesis in school and I hated every quarter that gym was required. I never considered joining a sport because A. moving wasn’t my jam B. only the popular kids were in sports and I was most definitely not one of them and C. that would mean no going home and watching TV and eating every night. I stayed a plump little girl during my school days. I felt down about myself every day I went to school. I was about 170lbs in 11th grade and thought I was the biggest loser around. My weight doesn’t sound like much now, but back then everyone was smaller than me and I was considered a “big” kid for my age.

It hurt more than most people could imagine. I never talked to anyone about it and I never knew that I didn’t have to be alone. I think being alone is what made my BED even worse, maybe it wouldn’t have gone as far as it has if I were to have talked to someone like me at the beginning. I would cry nearly every night because I felt the judgement from my peers and myself. It’s a lonely world when you think everyone looks down on you. It was horrible to be me and to live in my head. Some days the pain strikes me again and I feel how I felt back then. This pain is what sparked my weight loss in 11th grade and distorted my entire world.

[amsterdaminpictures]

It snowed early this morning in Amsterdam and some of the frozen canals are now covered with snow. More snow is expected on friday

[talesovercoffee]

Snow covered Amsterdam. Wow I miss this place!

[learn-with-whiteboard]

Never forget who you are and who you can be! Don’t allow negative influence of others mould you & your vision!

[talesovercoffee]

I fully believe in this. Being a good person isn’t always easy, but be strong.

[emissaryofthedivine]

I’m dating a woman. I’m bi.

[talesovercoffee]

I love Rosa!

[talesovercoffee]

Questions During A Job Interview Part I: Weaknesses

I will be going through several job interviews in my near future. Normally I prepare for interviews by coming up with questions to ask about the job/business and creating answers to common interview questions. Today – instead of making real answers – I thought I would share some of the smart ass answers I came up with but never said in past job interviews. Today will be weaknesses, enjoy!

What are some of your weaknesses?

I can never seem to keep all of the toothpaste in my mouth when I brush my teeth

I will 100% without a doubt spill my coffee every day and usually it will either end up on my clothes or an important paper

I turn the toilet paper the way that everyone hates

When I pack myself a lunch for work, I eat the entire thing before noon

I drink too much water and have to use the bathroom every other hour, which makes road trips real fun

I say “ouch” when things don’t actually hurt but instead surprise me

I am terrible at scraping off the front window of my car when it’s frosted over. I just can’t uncover it man.

[thenordroom]

Scandinavian apartment

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[talesovercoffee]

Here too!!!