"I didn't think he was in love with me, and I had no idea what I felt for him, but he wanted me, and maybe that was enough."
That's what Alina thinks after her kiss with Aleksander at the fete. "he wanted me, and maybe that was enough." She doesn't mention whether or not she wants him, as if it wasn't crucial for this particular situation. She is not used to expressing her sexual agency and acknowledging her desires, which is understandable given her upbringing.
My arms glided up his back and twined around his neck. He kissed me again, and I sighed into the welcome press of his mouth. I felt his weight slide over me and ran my hands over the hard muscles of his arms. If Mal was still with me, if he could still love me, then there was hope. My heart was pounding in my chest as warmth spread through me. There was no sound but our breathing and the shift of our bodies together. He was kissing my throat, my collarbone, drinking my skin. I shivered and pressed closer to him. This was what I wanted, wasnât it? To find some way to heal the breach between us?
If Mal wants her, that's enough. Again, there is no acknowledgment of her own desire. The phrase about "healing the breach" is also interesting. She sees their potential intercourse as a way to fix their relationship, not as an expression of their mutual desire. It's not "I want him", it's "I want to heal our relationship, so if that what it takes, so be it" Her sexual agency is once again treated as something irrelevant.
Their sex scene with Mal is no better:
âYou are all Iâve ever wanted,â he said. âYou are the whole of my heart.â I saw myself thenâsour, silly, difficult, lovely in his eyes. I drew him to me, felt him shudder as our bodies came together, skin against skin, felt the heat of his lips, his tongue, hands moving until the need between us drew taut and anxious as a bowstring waiting for release. He clasped his hand to my wrist and my mind filled with light. All I saw was Malâs face, all I felt was his bodyâabove me, around me, an awkward rhythm at first, then slow and steady as the beat of the rain. It was all we needed. It was all we would ever have.
Again, a bunch of insecurities, some sensory descriptions, awkward rhythm, and the resigned "it was all we needed. It was all we would ever have." Mal stated that he wanted her, and her desires don't get a mention. She reacts to his actions and settles for whatever she got, which, judging by an unenthusiastic description, wasn't much.
She never learns to acknowledge and express her desires, to be an active agent of her sexuality instead of a passive recipient. And that's treated as normal.
When evening fell, the boy would bring the girl a glass of tea, a slice of lemon cake, an apple blossom floating in a blue cup. He would kiss her neck and whisper new names in her ear: beauty, beloved, cherished, my heart.
Even in the epilogue, she never takes charge. Mal initiates all the contact. She is an object of his affection. Sex is what happens to her. Good girls may be wanted but can never want; that would be scandalous!
















