My 25th Year

  Im just a girl with a passion for writing out there looking for what to say. Take this journey with me to appreciate the small things and to open up to any big things that may come our way.  

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Crossroads

Today I decided to glean inspiration from a tarot reading. I was recently gifted my own deck by a beloved aunt. She has been an integral part of my spiritual journey thus far so it is only fitting she give me my first deck. Using my Crystal Visions Tarot, I briefly did a quick meditation with the cards in my hands before I began. After recieving their energy I split the deck in three. The message of the day came through the queen of cups, the nine of wands, and the six of pentacles. I interpreted this as myself coming into a more emotionaly stable place but still remaing guarded about where I am placing my energy. The clarifying cards of the queen of cups were the seven of pentacles and the king of pentacles implying that I am using my new found insights and wisdom to take a step back from my projects to allow them to grow into somethign fruitful. The nine of wands was followed by the unknown and temperance. I took this to mean that I am remaining guarded to possiblities because I do not want to lose my balance when taking on new things. Lastly the six of pentacles often means giving to two and today those two were the ten of cups and the seven of swords. It seems I have two paths in front of me, one that will bring me joy, love, and peace, and the other deceit and trouble. I pulled one more card on this spread to get more information about those two paths and I got death in reverse. It appears I am stuck at this crossroads and am struggling to transcend my perspective and opinions about this choice. What I take from this the most is that I am still trapped in my past, holding onto the old ideas of what I believe my life should be. There is hope though if I could let go I could enter a world built upon the ten of cups in which I would have an abundance of the things I am looking for. I hope that if i keep chipping away at my walls ( nine of wands) and I can break them down and move towards something new and rewarding.

#tarotcard #queenofcups #nineofswords

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My Self-Care Tarot Cheat Sheet

The use of Tarot and various divination systems has been such a monumental part in my self-care toolkit. Being someone who deals with chronic illnesses, there are days when I don’t have the time nor the energy to lay down a full spread and interpret it for myself. Because of this, I created my Self-Care Tarot Cheat Sheet to use whenever I needed some advice or a starting point in my self-care regimen.  I encourage you to use mine or create your very own self-care guide. If this post has helped you, or you know a friend who may gain help from this post, feel free to share the link to this post, reblog it, or tag them. It would mean a lot to me.

The Major Arcana

0. The Fool: Start a new project.

I. Magician: Improve a skill you already have.

II. High Priestess: Pay attention to your inner voice.

III. Empress: Pamper yourself.

IV. Emperor: Start taking control of the chaos in your life.

V. Hierophant: Read your favorite book. 

VI. Lovers: Watch a romantic comedy. 

VII. Chariot: Travel someplace new in town.

VIII. Strength: Face your fears.

IX. Hermit: Spend some time alone.

X. Wheel of Fortune: Take a risk.

XI. Justice: Speak your inner truth.

XII. Hanged Man: Change your perspective on an unresolved issue.

XIII.Death: Declutter. Clear out the old, make room for the new.

XIV.Temperance: Find a balance in your life. Also drink some water. 

XV.Devil: Do some shadow work. 

XVI.Tower: Rebuild from the rubble.

XVII.Star: Make a wish for the future.

XVIII.Moon: Write a letter to your higher self.

XIX.Sun: Be proud of who you are.

XX. Judgement: Forgive yourself and your past.

XXI. World: Celebrate your successes.

The Minor Arcana

Wands

Ace: Search for inspiration in your everyday life.

Two: Make a decision to do something small yet worthwhile.

Three: Accomplish one small goal.

Four: Make an awesome music playlist.

Five: Make up or reconnect with an old friend. 

Six: Recognize your achievements.

Seven: Let go of negative people in your life.

Eight: Focus your energy on feeding yourself.

Nine: Make room for recovery.

Ten: Deal with your stresses through writing.

Page: Heed the signs and messages provided.

Knight: Go on an adventure.

Queen: Accept support from your loved ones.

King: Remain motivated by hyping yourself up in the mirror.

Cups

Ace: Find what makes you happy.

Two: Make sure you are communicating your feelings.

Three: Celebrate your friendships.

Four: Change up your daily routine.

Five: Write down then rip up your past pains and regrets.

Six: Reminisce the good memories.   

Seven: Consider your options before choosing.

Eight: Leave behind your troubles by watching tv even if only for an hour.

Nine: Embrace and send out positive vibes.

Ten: Appreciate the good in your life.

Page: Ground and center yourself.

Knight: Create some art.

Queen: Take a luxurious bubble bath or long shower.

King: Honor your feelings.

Swords

Ace: Write down hopes.

Two: Meditate.

Three: Allow yourself to mourn.

Four: Take some time to rest.

Five: Walk away from conflicts.

Six: Retreat to a safe place like a blanket fort. 

Seven: Confront your hidden feelings.

Eight: Get out of your comfort zone.

Nine: Cry and let it all out.

Ten: Go to the doctor or support group.

Page: Speak aloud your feelings.

Knight: Move forward without fear.

Queen: Stop judging yourself harshly.

King: Seek unbiased advice from someone you trust.

Pentacles

Ace: Create a vision board.

Two: Balance your work and personal life.

Three: Go to a support group.

Four: Make someone else smile.

Five: Ask for help.

Six: Help someone else in need.

Seven: Assess how far you have come this week.

Eight: Take a much needed break from social media.

Nine: Take a nice walk.

Ten: Spend time with your family.

Page: Learn something new.

Knight: Make plans for the future.

Queen: Decorate your room.

King: Treat yourself to something nice.

Post Notes: Please do not remove the captions. Title: My Self-Care Tarot Cheat Sheet Copyright: © Ivan Ambrose 2017 Disclaimer: This is my own personal self-care regimen. I am not a medical professional, nor claim to be, nor do I suggest this post to be used in replace of medical treatment. This is just what helps me and I wanted to share it with others. As with all of my posts and content, this post in no way, shape, or form is intended to tell you how you must go about this topic. The intention of this post is to share my experiences. This isn’t the only way, the absolute right way or the way that you “should” approach this topic. I encourage you to use what you find useful and tweak or dismiss what you do not find useful. I am sure there are various other people in the world who choose to do things differently regarding this topic and that is perfectly okay. I can only speak from personal experience and what has worked for me for countless years. I encourage you to do your own research, to do what you are comfortable with and to tailor any advice provided henceforth to your specific needs and individual situation. Safe Space Tags: Depression, Anxiety, Chronic Illness, Mental Illness, Long Post Navigation: Table Of Contents | FAQ | Contact   

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So helpful and inviting! Thanks <3

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Day 22: Measuring Up

Today was brighter than the last few. Tiredness loomed over most of the day but I was able to push through enough that I feel I accomplished the basics. I’m in the middle of a book that I am really enjoying which is always a treat. My therapist suggested I write a piece of fiction to work out some of the maladaptive thought patterns my mind has been circling. I look forward to taking that on. It presents a fun creative challenge and I think it will be useful in working out a lot of misconceived ideas I have about adult hood and my path in life. We discussed my conviction that the only way to be a successful adult is to own a car, have an apartment or house, work 8 hours of the day, and to have a wide circle of friends who do the same. It is deeply programmed in me that anything less, or I should say different, is a meaningless limbo that awaits the arrival of that lifestyle. I don’t know where I got these ideas but they certainly don’t serve me. If I don’t change these views I will risk wasting so much more of the life I am living in despair. Can anyone else relate?

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Day 21: I’m the only “me” I’ve got

Confronted with another pair of bad days, buried in a spell of melancholy, I took the opportunity to re read my past entries. Accumulating to what is now a total of 7 posts, this blog provides me with a reflection of, give or take a few days, about a week of my life. While there were some low points, I was relieved and encouraged by a visible pattern of better days and clearer outlooks I have possessed since the beginning of this diary. I suppose it is just a reminder that nothing is permanent and that time takes time. Although still feeling very lost about where I want to live and what I want to do ( in the next few weeks and in a larger sense), I was awakened to a perspective today that made it all seem more like an adventure than a burden. I realized that my choices need only exist to prove myself and my life worthy to me and my standards alone. Today I feel like I can lay down the weight of measuring up that I have been carrying for so long. My goal going forward into the rest of this week is to leave that baggage behind me and to be satisfied by my choices aligning with my values; relinquishing the need for them to amount to something more. Myself is the only self I can be and I need to start appreciating it.

With that I say goodnight. Sweet dreams everyone. Please be kind to yourselves. much love!

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Day 19:

10:08 pm. Home. Sooooo full! One goal I have embarked upon is eating a vegan diet. The first week went really well. I was incredibly satisfied and enjoyed using my kitchen for more than just the microwave. Had dinner with a friend who inspired me to get back on the horse and to not give up. She had a lot of recipes and podcasts to make it fun and to feel like a community rather than a chore. Her encouragement really helped me and I’m looking forward to running with this once again. Please comment with any of your goals so I can cheer you on! 

Much love! Sweet dreams!

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Day 17: Beating the Blues (or are they beating me)

I had my tarot cards read over the weekend. There was a lot of dark stuff, most things I already knew. One card did stand out, however. It had the picture of a black cloaked man staring into a pool of 3 empty cups and a rainbow ahead of him, pouring into two abundant cups behind him. My reader illuminated that to move forward, I have to stop fixating on what I’ve lost and to be grateful for what I do have. That platitude, and the many others like it, are forever in my surroundings between my intensive outpatient program, AA meetings, and my loving support network of a few close friends and family. Most days they succeed in helping me improve the moment and avoid despair, but the depression seems ever looming. I mourn for my cups of being a professional, having a car, saving to move out, and ultimately the dream of a promising future where I felt worthy, a sense of belonging, and a sense of usefulness. Growing up I was raised in environment where I was, misleadingly so, encouraged to believe that I was “special”, capable of anything, and destined to make an impact on the world. Now in a life that is very small and where my smile is sparing, I have lost the courage to believe that any of that is true; left only to feel that I have failed those people and failed myself. These thoughts which were once dark cracks I would fall in have deepened into a crater that seems impossible to climb out of. As every day passes, what people encourage me to feel is a mid twenties stumble stretches into the wasted years of a lost cause. I spoke to my brother on the phone today and he described the battle he’s had with his own demons. He said he had to radically deny his core beliefs around them before he could start moving forward. I long to do so regarding my own struggles but I just don’t know how to see it differently. I’m hoping writing and sharing with you all will shed some light for me. The ability to write has been a beacon of hope recently.

Much love. Goodnight

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Day 14: Simple Pleasures

Sleeping in late, smoking a cigarette on my porch in the cool fall breeze, going out to dinner and a movie with a pair of beloved family members; today I was surrounded by an abundance of simple pleasures. Grandiose questions, such as what my next professional move will be, who I am and who I want to become, still plague me, making me grateful for today’s reprieve from the ever present wondering. Though I am finding it difficult to do so, I am trying to relinquish my need for answers and choosing to live instead in the moments with hopes that they accumulate into a path forward. While I have yet to find that satisfying, I am enjoying my days more, going to bed with a sense of ease and success rather than in defeat or despair. Looking forward to more joyful moments tomorrow and grateful for this blog. It keeps me grounded and looking at the positive, something I had been missing for a while. 

Sleep well friends!

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Day 13: Building Mastery and Fighting Defeat

Another day battling severe fatigue which threatened my ability to adequately participate in my out patient program. I was disappointed, and I could sense that my therapist was too, but I had to move through the negativity and make the day valuable anyway. I was able to catch up on some phone calls and logistics while at program so I am challenging myself not to see it as a total loss. After program I caught up a bit with a friend, which brought some much needed levity. The greatest success of the day came tonight, however, after I cooked a luxurious meal of salmon and veggies that made me feel like a queen! Eating healthier has been a big goal for a while and this was my first time cooking on the stove rather than the microwave so I was very proud. As I go to bed, I’m trying to honor the wins I had today and shrug off the missed opportunities. At the end of it all, today has been a relief from my brain running it’s old melancholy circles with a few major strides forward and for that I am grateful.

Tell me about your day!

Be back here again tomorrow, night!

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Day 12: Shame

An entirely good day today was soured for me by a number of different intersections with shame. It got me curious as to what shame actually is. That hot around the collar, plummeting to the bottom of your stomach feeling. Why does it happen? And what is its purpose, if any? The definition I liked best said as follows: Severe discomfort caused by the exposure of a socially unacceptable act or condition. What I find interesting about this definition is that it highlights the “exposure” of our actions as the cause for the discomfort; that under other circumstances, self compassion and understanding could be implemented but when others are around to witness our mistakes or struggles we wilt under the spotlight. Anything that implies seeking approval or extensive concern for what other people think tends to repel me. As a firm believer in “those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind”, I’m compelled to discard shame as completely unnecessary. However there is the element of shame which illuminates things we have done wrong, could be doing better, and provides information of things to work on. For myself, the things I have been challenged to improve today are to create a more effective morning routine so I do not miss my morning program and to check my accounts before I shop so as to avoid any embarrassing scenes at the register. Were all a work in progress. Take shame for what it is but don’t let it confuse you that your not trying, or better yet, succeeding! You knocked one more day down, take it easy on yourself and get ready to start fresh tomorrow! 

Night everyone! 

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Day 11: Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired!

Today marks 11 days of being 25 years old. When I was small I thought it was typical to own a house, be married, and have your first kid by 16. All that made the thought of 25 seem irrelevant! I shamefully admit that now that I have arrived here I am underwhelmed. I share an apartment with 4 women, my land lord and his child. I inhabit a small room with turquoise walls that have proven to be a tremendous resource on those days I need some cheering; which, having been a particularly difficult October, has been many recently. Sometimes I lay on my bed and take in my little closeted space and I feel overwhelmed and smothered by my circumstances. Then there are other times, if i just tilt my head and squint my eyes a bit, that the room feels full of potential. I’m reminded of all the other rooms I’ve lived in, their colors, shapes, and sizes and that there are many other rooms in my life to come. Ultimately that power of perspective is something I have been meditating on since my birthday. That I am only as imprisoned as my thoughts remain stubborn. Every birthday I look forward to the promise of change but the only thing that never does change are my negative perspectives and perceptions. Moving forward into 2018-2019 I will make it my priority that it does and I invite anyone here who is struggling or feeling stuck to do the same! 

All my blessings and goodnight <3