#building mastery

[mognet-t]

save me, pony music

Pony music, save me

[confidently-conflicting]

Things have been.... good recently?

And this morning I felt cold and didn’t want to get out of bed, let alone go outside. I realized I felt kind of vaguely... what’s the word. Avoidant? Willful? Like I need for something to be ‘wrong’ (it can’t just be enough that I’m cold)*. But realizing that was good, because now I’m trying to not do that currently.

*cue Right As Rain by Adele

Anyway, here are some things I have been/am happy about:

•I finished a zine and baked a cake yesterday

•TKMW and I cuddled and asked each other questions last night

•My dreams this morning weren’t terrible

•I like the fruit cups I got

•I’m not worried about laundry or dishes right now

•The cake took a while, but it turned out better than I expected

•I’ve been listening to Troye Sivan recently

•I’m reading a psychology (?) book I like, that, ironically, feels grounding

•I have 2 letters I can reply to

•I’m doing my airway exercises even though they hurt (that will be good eventually, probably)

[notsofine]

One thing off my to do list! SO stressful handling two dogs at once- I’ll have to do a separate trip for food and I am sticky and covered in fluff but I now have clean dogs 🐕 🐕

[beingdreeyore]

Getting home early(ish) from the work/uni combo, it would be so easy to be slack... But impending final year exams and the need to Build Mastery say otherwise...

Learning to function and be disciplined regardless of what my emotions are telling me to do. Emotion Regulation in action.

I sent a text today telling him I miss him. At first I was disappointed in myself, but then I remembered that it wasn’t so long ago that I would’ve blown up his phone with an emotional barrage of texts that sent him scrambling for cover and left me ashamed and staring at the ceiling of my bedroom, wondering how just missing someone had ended up causing such destruction. One short, truthful text versus twenty aggressive and demanding ones.

Baby steps, even on the challenging days.

[toe-she-oh]

i talk with james from la about his reason for being in detroit.  he explains he has pretty much sold everything and moved to detroit, because he felt called.  not to save the city in some missionary sort of way, but because the city will change him.  it is his place to discover himself and grow.  i’m kind of taken aback by this young mans story, is he crazy?  or a visionary?  maybe something in-between.

https://littlehouseontheurbanprairie.wordpress.com/2012/06/22/far-eastside-visit-feedom-freedom/

[toe-she-oh]

Saw this little clip while on my last 30 minutes on the job today; it’s the GSP interview with Rogan (JRE MMA Show #28, 5.23.18). I think he speaks to everything I’ve been feeling right now about my life and about the time I spent doing traditional karate (13 years). He says some things that are worth remembering and commenting on here:

“I love to walk in the room and feel strong. I know if something happen I’m the man. Even though it’s an illusion, because with a bullet ... nobody’s faster than this”

I’m glad that an elite professional fighter/athlete like St-Pierre can openly acknowledge the fact that he’s just a flesh-wrapped-around-bone-and-muscle-human being that can be felled by a bullet just like any of us, regardless of fighting prowess or abilities. But, he also says that if some shit goes down, he can handle himself. That part is crucial because it’s something I have yet to develop as someone who has done martial arts for as long as I have. I want to have that feeling of knowing how to handle myself. 

“Your spirit can dictate your mind ... but your mind can dictate your spirit”

The mind-body connection. It’s a thing. Here’s an article about that.

“The confidence is a key for a fighter. Some guy[s] they do stuff very basic in a fight, but when they do it they do it so good and they believe in it. They don’t hesitate. And you have no room for hesitation in a fight. You go 100%. And when you go 100% with confidence that’s when the magic can happen. You know what I mean?”

I’ve read that some people thought of Bruce Lee as “cocky”. It’s a thin line I guess, between confidence and cockiness. Basically though I agree with Rory Miller: confidence is built through competence. I’m looking to become competent. 

“If you have the skills and no confidence it’s like having money and you don’t spend it ... but if you have the confidence without the skills ... it’s like a dream that cannot be achieved.”

Goddamn that’s a good one. I know more than a few traditional karate students who could be classified into the latter category. I’d call that delusional though, not confidence. My first serious karate teacher used to tell me all the time that I had the tools but I didn’t know how to use them. Yeah man. That’s been something I’ve been trying to correct for the last 13 years. 

“People say, with experience do you become more courageous? Do you lose the fear? You don’t lose the fear, you never lose the fear. You learn how to deal with it. You accept it.”

Again, another great insight. Tony Blauer teaches that like this: ”F.U.C.K. Fear” = Face it. Understand it. Control. Know it. 

“Before I did not accept it. My first time I fought Matt Hughes, man I was fighting this monument ... even in the stare-down I couldn’t even look at him, I look up ... I knew I was going to lose. The confidence was not there.”

It’s really fascinating to watch how this plays out. You can see that GSP obviously has the skill to be there in that cage. But if I had never heard this interview and just saw the fight, I wouldn’t have noticed his lack of confidence. I think most people obviously cannot tell the difference.

[tarrotqueeninfinityplusone-blog]

Day 13: Building Mastery and Fighting Defeat

Another day battling severe fatigue which threatened my ability to adequately participate in my out patient program. I was disappointed, and I could sense that my therapist was too, but I had to move through the negativity and make the day valuable anyway. I was able to catch up on some phone calls and logistics while at program so I am challenging myself not to see it as a total loss. After program I caught up a bit with a friend, which brought some much needed levity. The greatest success of the day came tonight, however, after I cooked a luxurious meal of salmon and veggies that made me feel like a queen! Eating healthier has been a big goal for a while and this was my first time cooking on the stove rather than the microwave so I was very proud. As I go to bed, I’m trying to honor the wins I had today and shrug off the missed opportunities. At the end of it all, today has been a relief from my brain running it’s old melancholy circles with a few major strides forward and for that I am grateful.

Tell me about your day!

Be back here again tomorrow, night!