"There'll Be No Value In The Strength Of Walls That I Have Grown"
I used to be painfully shy. It would be physically painful for me to talk to strangers. Subway was my own personal circle of hell because I was forced to tell them what I wanted on my sandwich every step of the way. I would avoid that place like the plague because I would always be disappointed in myself for not being able to ask for what I wanted. Extra pickles? Yeah, that wasn’t going to happen.
Growing up, trick or treating was the worst idea I had ever heard. Why on earth would I go to some stranger’s home and not only bother them while wearing a stupid costume but also ask them for candy? Who thought this was a good idea? I would be mortified and I would lump in with the other kids and hold my bag out and not make any eye contact with the people giving us candy. It felt shameful and disrespectful and lucky for me, once my older brother turned 12 and no longer wanted to trick or treat, I was let off the hook of having to go.
Birthday parties gave me anxiety and I never wanted one of my own, past the age of 7. I just wanted to be with my family out to Disneyland, Medieval Times, Magic Mountain, or my favorite restaurant at the time, much to my siblings’ chagrin, Denny’s. There were no expectations on me. I didn’t have to worry about who to invite and who not to invite. I didn’t like the idea of excluding other kids or the idea of having all the kids in my class over at my house. What if the boys made fun of my massive Barbie collection? I literally had 100, at least.
Somewhere around the age of 15 I decided I wouldn’t be shy anymore. High school forces you out of your comfort zone and the fact that I joined choir and finally found a group of people who made sense to me and made me feel comfortable was definitely helpful. But then and there I decided I wasn’t going to live my life afraid of talking to people because I realized that I wouldn’t get any life experience living in this manner. I wasn’t going to let this wall of fear, that I viewed as protection, prevent me from living the way I wanted to any longer.
To this day, my shyness will still creep in. I still have trouble asking people for help and whenever money is concerned, I won’t talk. Unless it is about what I would buy if I were given millions of dollars; I’d start a production company and hire my talented friends, incase you are wondering. I still won’t call people for fear of bothering someone and I hate asking people to hang out. It is a struggle and if I actually ask you, I genuinely care. (Unless you are Sara or Javier because they are basically family.)
Nowadays, I talk, pretty much nonstop. I’m trying to work on it, trust me. I find it funny when people don’t think I’m shy or tell me I have a big personality. I blame it on being terrified for the first 15 years of my life. I am making up for it now. As an adult it is harder for us to push ourselves out of our comfort zones. Life events such as marriage and babies are massive life changers that push people to grow but since those aren’t in my life, I have to do the pushing myself. I try to go places alone, I like to go to friends’ birthday parties and talk to people I don’t know, I enjoy going to new places and trying new things. It is hard for me at times because I would much rather be at home but it keeps life interesting.
This past week, I gave up social media and I started to notice around me, the mass amounts of people with their phones in their faces when they are out alone. Everyone talks about it but it is still so interesting to observe first hand. If I were still that painfully shy person, I would have the need to feel the protection of looking preoccupied because, heaven forbid, I have a human interaction. But maybe, just maybe, people aren’t using them simply for distraction; it could be because people are shy and uncomfortable.
I’m convinced people online date because they are too scared to go up and talk to someone. With online dating (I don’t mean tinder, that’s not dating) you have the time to perfectly say what you want to say and respond in a way that makes you look the best when it might not be the truth. Dating and getting to know someone in life can be awkward, who cares? I would rather take some man saying something ridiculous or awkward to me or saying the completely wrong thing to me, in person, than a perfectly typed out email. Lord knows I over share my life and abhor small talk, so I delve right in. People are beautifully imperfect and that is what I love the most. I don’t enjoy cookie cutter, this-is-what-you-are-supposed-to-say types of conversation. No thank you, give me awkward any day of the week.
I have a big news flash, wonderful humans are everywhere! Who knew?! I went out this week and kept my phone in my purse and it was so gratifying to not feel the pull to check out how many people liked my Instagram. I met a lovely woman while hiking who showed Sara and I some wild peonies that we never would have noticed. I met a lovely older gentleman in Whole Foods at their salad bar and we talked about veganism and he paid for my lunch, thank you kindly, good sir. I spoke to another man in the very long line at the post office who was sending a package to his daughter who just moved to Alabama and he was telling me how much he missed her. All of these interactions wouldn’t have happened if I pulled my phone out to distract myself and put up my don’t-talk-to-me shield. They were minor interactions but it was a wonderful reminder of how kind people are when you take the time to look around.
Those reminders are important these days when we see so much hate on the news. We are constantly bombarded with negativity and we are being told to live in fear. What we need to do is raise the level of positivity within our own lives and share and connect with others. Break down the walls you have built so high. I know it is hard, trust me. For the past 6 months, I have been breaking down all my walls that I built so high, they could reach the moon. I don’t need them anymore, they have no value in my life. It has been the most difficult and freeing time of my life. Everything takes time and no one said you had to make friends with the person in line in front of you at Chipotle, but honestly, you never know who you will meet. Being kind to someone, even just a smile or positive acknowledgement to someone else’s existence, is one extra step in bringing us back to a connected, wonderfully imperfect and beautiful human experience.
