I have to resort to everything within me to not text or call you. I have the extreme urge to go back to everything that once made me me. Go back to all I was before I even knew who you were, before you changed me completely and before you entwined your whole being with mine.
Iāve always known that Iām doomed to find pain in every aspect of my life, regardless of how little or insignificant it may seem and I also know that this means I get to find the beauty and love in everything as well. I donāt think I would ever trade my soul or change it. If feeling low means I get to feel ecstatic, then I welcome it. But itās times like this, when everything stops and my being completely shuts down, when I wish I were indifferent to any kind of pain.
Iāve told you before but still, I donāt think you could ever comprehend how much your sheer pressence and existance has affected my life, in good and bad ways. I have written about you on letters, on my journal, on my notes app, on every social media, to you and now this old place that feels like my teenage room. A place where I havenāt been in years, where I once was safe from the outside world.
I guess I always sort of knew you would hurt me but I always thought it would be because of my own projections and expectations of you. I never thought youād have a knife in this fight and I know you kinda warned me, now that I think about it. I really wish it would be different this time. However, I have no doubt youāll come back. I really hope you do. I want you to have your space and Iāve always given you that, at least I think I have and Iāve tried to. Everything feels so wrong right now. I donāt want to dwell on it but I donāt see any other way. Iām sorry that Iām like this. Iām sorry that I miss you. Iām sorry that I wonāt leave quietly. Iām sorry Iām too emotional and Iām so so sorry that you donāt want me. I can never tell you how sorry I am. Iāll be waiting for you, I know I will but Iām also afraid that I wonāt be here if you decide to come back. Maybe you never do and I stay here, right where you left me. Maybe I leave this earth without you even turning around to see if I stayed. I love you, and thatās the one thing Iām the most sorry about.
