I hated todayās clip. Not because of what happened, because that did need to happen in order to portray the reality of BPD, but also because I just did something very similar. I literally cut off the closest people to me because at the moment I needed the loneliness. I continued to even point out their mistakes because I just couldnāt handle having to talk to them or be around them. On top of that, I also have the paranoia of them walking out on me or using me. Iāve been going to therapy and working on it but at the end of the day when Iām alone nothing really matters.
I mean you see Joanaās reaction to Cris showing up even though Cris stood by her during the hard times. Sheās confused and then throughout the clip you can see her annoyance. Her annoyance because now Cris is going to stick around and be close, eliminating the possibility of being alone.
But there is also pain. Pain because as much as she showed the opposite of love, she was struggling on the inside. Struggling between wanting the person and not wanting them at all.
It really sucks overall because itās a constant battle having BPD. That person will show you support and love like you need (Cris showing up at the hospital), but when you notice that itās becoming too close for your liking (Cris showing up at Joanaās apartment out of nowhere) you canāt handle having them around. Thereās always that constant fear of being abandoned and then thereās also those moments where you canāt stand love because it would mean letting that person in. I really donāt mean to ābragā or in any way try to talk about having this disorder, but having shows like skam espaƱa portray it so well helps me understand that Iām not alone. Rizha has also done such an amazing job of exhibiting it and I couldnāt be more grateful.
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