you can't control who you love

Been in love with the same man for almost 4 years now.My TC is Joseph and I am marie. My ask box is always open <3 good luck tcc

[crazyheavymetalpunkrock]

Ask me! I'll answer honestly

1: How tall or short do you wish you were? 2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not) 3: Do you have a favorite clothing style? 4: What was your favorite video game growing up? 5: What three things/people do you think of most each day: 6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say? 7: What is your opinion on [insert person/thing here]? 8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic] 9: Are you ticklish? 10: Are you allergic to anything? 11: What’s your sexuality? 12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa? 13: Are you a cat or dog person? 14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson? 15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber? 16: How tall are you? 17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to? 18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] 19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits? 20: Do you like space or the ocean more? 21: Are you religious? 22: Pet peeves? 23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]? 24: Favorite constellation? 25: Favorite star? 26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls? 27: Any phobias or fears? 28: Do you think global warming is real? 29: Do you believe in reincarnation? 30: Favorite movie? 31: Do you get scared easily? 32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime? 33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.] 34: What is a color that calms you? 35: Where would you like to travel and/or live? 36: Where were you born? 37: What is your eye color? 38: Introvert or extrovert? 39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs? 40: Hugs or kisses? 41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now? 42: Who is someone you love deeply? 43: Any piercings you want? 44: Do you like tattoos and piercings? 45: Do you smoke or have you eiver done so? 46: Talk about your crush, if you have one! 47: What is a sound you really hate? 48: A sound you really love? 49: Can you do a backflip? 50: Can you do the splits? 51: Favorite actor and/or actress? 52: Favorite movie? 53: How are you feeling right now? 54: What color would you like your hair to be right now? 55: When did you feel happiest? 56: Something that calms you down? 57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] 58: What does your URL mean? 59: What three words describe you the most? 60: Do you believe in evolution? 61: What makes you unfollow a blog? 62: What makes you follow a blog? 63: Favorite kind of person: 64: Favorite animal(s): 65: Name three of your favorite blogs. 66: Favorite emoticon: 67: Favorite meme: 68: What is your MBTI personality type? 69: What is your star sign? 70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog? 71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most? 72: Post a selfie or two? 73: Do you have platform shoes? 74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself? 75: Can you do a front flip? 76: Do you like birds? 77: Do you like to swim? 78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you? 79: Something you wish didn’t exist: 80: Some thing you wish did exist: 81: Piercings you have? 82: Something you really enjoy doing: 83: Favorite person to talk to: 84: What was your first impression of Tumblr? 85: How many followers do you have? 86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes? 87: Do your socks always match? 88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely? 89: What are your birthstones? 90: If you were an animal, which one would you be? 91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be? 92: A store you hate? 93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day? 94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds? 95: Do you like to wear camo? 96: Winter or summer? 97: How long can you hold your breath for? 98: Least favorite person? 99: Someone you look up to: 100: A store you love? 101: Favorite type of shoes 102: Where do you live? 103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why? 104: What is your favorite mineral or gem? 105: Do you drink milk? 106: Do you like bugs? 107: Do you like spiders? 108: Something you get paranoid about? 109: Can you draw: 110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked? 111: A question you hate being asked? 112: Ever been bitten by a spider? 113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach? 114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days? 115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now: 116: Favorite cloud type: 117: What color do you wish the sky was? 118: Do you have freckles? 119: Favorite thing about a person: 120: Fruits or vegetables? 121: Something you want to do right now: 122: Is the ocean or sky prettier? 123: Sweet or sour foods? 124: Bright or dim lights? 125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature? 126: Something you hate about Tumblr: 127: Something you love about Tumblr: 128: What do you think about the least? 129: What would you want written on your tombstone? 130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now? 131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself? 132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures? 133: Computer or TV? 134: Do you like roller coasters? 135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness? 136: Are your ears lobed or attached? 137: Do you believe in karma? 138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are? 139: What nicknames do you have/have had? 140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends? 141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink? 142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others? 143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help? 144: What makes you angry 145: How many languages do you speak fluently? 146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries? 147: Are you androgynous? 148: Favorite physical thing about yourself: 149: Favorite thing about your personality: 150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person. 151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose? 152: Do you like BuzzFeed? 153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.] 154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons? 155: Do you like to play with others’ hair? 156: What embarrasses you? 157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious: 158: Biggest lie you have ever told: 159: How many people are you following? 160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)? 161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)? 162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)? 163: Last time you cried and why: 164: Do you have long or short hair? 165: Longest your hair has ever been: 166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon? 167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created? 168: Do you like to wear makeup? 169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds? 170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully?

[urmysippycup]

“there’s just something about a grown man losing control for you.”

— via me

[platonicaltc]

a wholesome concept: he accompanies your class on a field trip to a museum. he sits alone at the front of the bus, so you decide to sit next to him. you share a conversation, a laugh, a snack. at some point you even share headphones, allowing you to share your favourite tunes with your favourite person.

the museum is designed to make the visitor wander and get lost. after a tour you’re allowed to wander the museum on your own. you find a room which you deem your favourite place in the museum, a dark room with soft carpet and constellations projected onto the walls and ceiling. soft instrumental music takes you into the outer space the museum has created. you text your tc to come find you and lie down on the soft carpet as you wait. when he does find you, he joins you and lies down on the carpet just inches away. you feel at peace.

[whithered-roses]

“When I met you I had no idea that you’d end up meaning this much to me. That seeing your smile would somehow become my favourite thing. That hearing your voice would make me smile like an idiot, that you would be the person who would show me what love truly is. That loving someone is happiness and compromise and effort and laughing. You showed me what love really feels like, what being wanted feels like. Who would have thought that I’d need you this much.”

— 4am (via 4am-reflections)

[tcrushing4years]

his happily ever after

6/15/19

SO here’s the tea, I know I haven’t updated in a really really long time and many a thing has happened (not that much but I have seen Joseph a few times since graduation).

But the point of this is to say that the man whom I’ve called “the man I’m in love with” for the past 4.5(ish) years got married today. the reason i say (ish) is because although this whole me being in love with him thing is over, there will always always always be apart of me that’ll have him in my heart. After knowing someone for 5 years (it’ll be 5 years a week from today), and being uncontrollably in love with them for 90% of that time, I think that’s an okay and valid thing to always care a little. And also I think that so much of this relationship was undefined and ambiguous not only keeps the wound open longer, but also is what I’m grieving tonight. There are questions that I’ll always need the answers to and unfortunately, I didn’t have the balls to ask before this day and they aren’t the type of questions you should ask a married person. I am so happy for him because he deserves the UPMOST happiness and I pray daily for there to be a lack of pain in his life. So many random emotions have come up and it’s super tricky. I so hope that no one reading this (if you get this far) has to know what it feels like to have the person who literally changed the word “love” for you get married to a person who isn’t you. It feels awful and emptying and strange, but oddly freeing. I’m glad it’s done, for now.

This energy i’m spending on sadness and grief and bindge eating tonight will be sent into fueling my body in a healthy fashion, working my ass off for the “revenge body”, being creative and focusing on me and my craft, tomorrow and the days, weeks, months, and years to come.

but tonight i’m sad and that’s okay.

[tcrushing4years]

My tc and I had finally kissed. He told me loved me. And someone reported it somehow. This all feels like some fucking nightmare. But, him and I have a way of communication through this. He still loves me, and we're gonna have a relationship once this clears. But it's hell waiting all over again. I know I have him. But, I have to wait, and wait. It's shit. I just turned 18, and he resigned from his position. So I don't get why we need to wait so long.

Hey!!! That all sounds super crazy. I’m glad your of age and he’s no longer your teacher now, but don’t condone that this happened before then. That being said being reported to the school can be such a nightmare so I just feel for you and want you to know that everything happens for a reason and it will all be okay. I think you guys waiting is just for both of your safety so you two can actually be together one day without hiding and such. Believe me it’s worth the wait.

[longliveuslove]

“i’m not going to pretend that you weren’t a huge part of my life, because you were. you were the biggest part of my life. regardless of what may happen in the future, where our paths take us, or who we become, i think a little part of me will always wish it was you next to me.”

— maybe in another life 

[innervisiongirl]

1 A.M. thoughts

I wonder if he found our moments together as beautiful as I did.

[rustduststardustxo]

to the one I adore,

I love every little part of you. Your crinkles around your eyes, your blue eyes that look like crystal clear oceans, your soft skin that id kill to rest my hands upon for only a short second. I want you in every shape and form of passion. To kiss your pink lips would be nothing short of a miracle. When you enter my mind it’s like feeling every single moment of happiness and warmth in one. I want your love and all the worst that comes with it, just because I know it’s worth it.

[tcrushing4years]

something more

10/31/18

Hey all

So I believe the last time I updated was when I said that I’m finally starting to let go of Joseph. That is still true, but more stuff has happened where I’m more confused than ever before. He and I have been talking off and on all semester thus far. Usually catching up or sending each other stuff that remind us of each other etc. And it’s been weird because I’ve kinda been seeing someone and he knows ab it but he brings him up a lot in ways that make me like tilt my head and question the intention behind asking, not that I’m uncomfy but just like his wording makes it sound like he’s idk threatened almost? But anyways, my grandmother got sick and eventually passed away over the weekend and thus I am back home. So of course I went back to school to just say hi to friends and teachers and well. I saw him again. It went as follows.

I walked into his room and he was facing his computer so I put my stuff down and said “hey” in the way that I used to so he knew it was me. And he kinda sat up and did a head tilt and then turned around

J: oh my god

He got up and gave me a hug.

J: Why are you here?!

Me: to come visit

J: no why are you here here. are you okay? what’s wrong, what happened?

Me: my grandma passed away on Sunday

J: oh no marie, I’m sorry. I knew you were close

Me: thank you. But it’s good to be home

J: Ya I bet. give me a sec to finish something

I just waited and looked at him. Not much had changed. He was clean shaven and his hair was longer than usual. Tanner than usual. no new wrinkles but the old ones are a bit more defined.

J: take a seat!

Me: haha

J: how are you how is everything?

Me: pretty much the same! I mean other than than the obvious, but things have been going good

J: Thats amazing to hear!

Me: And how about you how are things here?

J: the same, but good

Me: and you’re liking your classes and stuff? The students are good?

J: Not as good as last year, but still good. I’m tinkering with the class here and there, last year was a huge test run for me, its nice to have one year under my belt

Me: I bet. Especially because like its really difficult stuff ya know?

J: I know! And I think they knew that because you guys got the word out, but you didn’t know what to expect.

We continue just talking like this and going on about the class then my family and the entire time like he would nbe talking and I couldn’t help but smile at him, it was so refreshing to see him. And at one point I had to get up to go get my water bottle and he went

J: Dont pretend like its not good to see me

Me: I wasn’t trying to, it is good to see you

We both giggle. Then as we are talking he notices that he has one of his freshmen taking a test and so he asks if he and I were being too loud and she said just a little and he went

J: okay Marie why don’t you scoot closer

Then shortly there after another student comes in and asks him ab something and he was being a little bit of a hard ass and I defended her and with the biggest smile on his face he said

J: stay out of this, you

I think he was happy to have me around. We talked about my love life a bit as he knows Ive been seeing someone, but I am going to break things off once I return back to NY and I wish I was more focused on him than the things I was saying. The conversation kept going and ended somewhat like this and kinda abruptly

J: when do you leave?

Me: Saturday morning

J mutters something ab me being the only one back then says: I have some work to do, but I would love to see you before you leave. Would you like to get *insert name of local ice cream place we love but have never been to together* on Thursday

Me: ya that would be cool

J: and obviously you’re here to be with family and such so I won’t be offended if you’re too busy

Me: No no its all good, Im here to spend time with people that fill me up with good vibes it’ll work out

J: You probably don’t have your car so I’m happy to come pick you up

Me: ya sure its whatever

J: don’t play alll cool and its whatever

Me: I wasn’t trying to!! I was merely saying that whatever works, I’m down for

J: okay see you then?

Me: see you then

The obviously I leave the class and shit my pants because that was textbook fantasy of how our first meeting after me being in college would be. I’m nervous for tomorrow, but trying not to but anyyyy expectations on it. Crazy that its gonna be a reality. Ill keep y’all updated.

[tcrushing4years]

this isn’t about a teacher but instead my tumbling coach for cheer... whenever his gf isn’t present for my privates (those are when it’s just me and him one on one) he talks to me a lot more, about things that aren’t even cheer related, and tries to be close to me more. but when his gf is there he’s distant and doesn’t talk to me as much. do you think this means anything or am i just being delusional being i want it to mean something? ps, he’s 19 yrs older than me

I’m sure he’s more cautious when his gf is there because he doesn’t want her to get the wrong idea thus the wall that is usually up during your private lessons with just him is like a lot thicker. I mean it’s good that he feels comfortable with you but keep in mind he has a gf so it might be better just to idk love him from afar

[iwontwrite]

“It occurred to me I’ll never see you again. I don’t know which is worse: the pain, or the freedom.”

— c.t.//excerpt from a book i won’t write

[woefulwriting]

“I know I can’t be mad that you don’t like me back, but it’s quite frustrating. Nothing I do will ever be good enough. Nothing I say can change your mind. Nothing I wear will make you want to go out with me. Your mind is set, and not being able to change it has made me realize that life is set, you either roll with it or get lost through it.”

—

[dollwithteachercrush]

When you peek into TC’s office, but he isn’t there and his colleagues stare at you instead

[next-to-nothin]

He’s not perfect. He gets anxious, and he lets his anger get the best of him sometimes. He drinks too much diet mountain dew and pushes himself further than he can go. He works too much, and puts his mental health on hold for the things he’s passionate about. I know he has flaws, but man I just want to hold him tight when he feels like he can’t do it. I just want him to feel loved. He jokes all the time, about being unlovable and stupid, and I just want him to know how much he means to me. I know I can never tell him how much I feel for him, I just hope he can realize that there’s at least one person who loves him.

[teachercrush-tcc]

Age gap movies

A list of movies I watched involving an older man and a younger woman. There’s a link for the movie trailers and a plot. Search ‘masterlist’ in my blog for a book or movie list.

☆ = I recommend.

La belle personne (2008) Sixteen-year old Junie changes high school mid-year, following the death of her mother. She finds herself in the same class as her cousin Mathias, who introduces her to his friends.But soon after, she encounters the great love of her life, Nemours, her Italian teacher.  ☆

Lolita (1997) A man marries his landlady so he can take advantage of her daughter.  ☆

Eungyo (2012) A complicated and volatile relationship develops between the elderly poet, his protege and the precocious high school student.

An education (2009) A coming-of-age story about a teenage girl in 1960s suburban London, and how her life changes with the arrival of a playboy nearly twice her age.

Blue car (2002) A troubled young woman is encouraged by a teacher to enter a poetry contest.

Tanner Hall (2009) In New England, the knot of adolescent complexity is unraveled through the coming-of-age stories of four teenage girls.  ☆

Jane Eyre (2011) A mousy governess who softens the heart of her employer soon discovers that he’s hiding a terrible secret.  ☆

My teacher (2017) Kosaku Ito teaches world history at a high school. He looks inflexible, but, in fact, he has a warm heart. Hibiki Shimada is a student and she has a crush on Kosaku.

Daydream nation (2010) A city girl who moves to a small town and becomes entangled in a love triangle between her high school teacher and a stoner classmate.  ☆

Molly Maxwell (2013) A  bright young girl at a prestigious private school begins to realize her true potential after falling into an affair with her worldly English teacher.  ☆

Barefoot (2014)  The “black sheep” son of a wealthy family meets a young psychiatric patient who’s been raised in isolation her entire life. He then takes the naive young woman home for his brother’s wedding.

Kinkyori Renai (2014) Yuni a smart high school student who excels in all except for English. She begins to receive one-on-one tutoring from Mr. Haruka Sakurai, the new engñish teacher.. Soon, she develops feelings for her teacher.

It felt like love (2013) Lila wants to emulate the sexual exploits of her more experienced best friend. She fixates on a tough older guy who will “sleep with anyone” and tries to insert herself into his world, putting herself in a dangerously vulnerable situation.

Jeune et Jolie (2013) After losing her virginity, Isabelle takes up a secret life as a call girl, meeting her clients for hotel-room trysts. Throughout, she remains curiously aloof, showing little interest in the encounters themselves or the money she makes.  ☆

After the rain (2018) Akira Tachibana is a soft-spoken high school student working part-time at a family restaurant. She finds herself inexplicably falling in love with her manager, a divorced 45-year-old man with a young son.

Oldboy (2003 korean original & 2013 us version) After being kidnapped and imprisoned for fifteen years, the protagonist is released, only to find that he must find his captor in five days.  ☆

Ask me anything (2014) A confused teenager writes a blog revealing her daily activities and secrets, advised to do so by her high school guidance counselor in lieu of moving onto her first year in college.  ☆

Noce blanche (1989) A teacher of philosophy encounters a complicated pupil; a seventeen year old girl who possesses quite a cynical view of the world. He attempts to help her focus on her studies, but soon becomes fascinated by her.

Elegy (2008) Cultural critic David Kepesh finds his life thrown into tragic disarray by Consuela Castillo, a well-mannered student who awakens a sense of sexual possessiveness in her teacher.

Sensei Kunshu (2018) Samaru Ayuha had a trouble at a gyudon restaurant due to money. A man at the restaurant, Hiromitsu Yoshitaka, helps her out. The next day, she finds that Yoshitaka has come to her school as a substitute teacher.

Breathe in (2013) When a foreign exchange student arrives in a small upstate New York town, she challenges the dynamics of her host family’s relationships and alters their lives forever.  ☆

Palo Alto (2013) The life and struggles of a group of adolescents living in Palo Alto.  ☆

The Oranges (2011) The friendship between the Walling and Ostroff families is tested when Nina (Ostroff daughter), returns home for the holidays after a five-years and enters into an affair with David, head of the Walling family.  ☆

Liberal Arts (2012) When 30-something Jesse returns to his alma mater for a professor’s retirement party, he falls for Zibby, a college student, and is faced with a powerful attraction that springs up between them.

A royal affair (2012) A young queen, who is married to an insane king, falls secretly in love with her physician - and together they start a revolution that changes a nation forever.  ☆

Blame (2017) A drama teacher’s taboo relationship with an unstable student strikes a nerve in her jealous classmate.  ☆

Manhattan (1979)  The life of a divorced television writer dating a teenage girl is further complicated when he falls in love with his best friend’s mistress.

American Beauty (1999) A sexually frustrated suburban father has a mid-life crisis after becoming infatuated with his daughter’s best friend.

The crush (1993) A journalist becomes the unwanted center of attention for a 14-year-old girl.

Daytime Shooting Star (2017) Suzume transfers to a high school in Tokyo. When she gets lost in the big city, a man comes to her rescue who turns out to be her homeroom teacher. Suzume begins to develop feelings for him.

Fish Tank (2009) Everything changes for 15-year-old Mia when her mum brings home a new boyfriend.  ☆

Lost in translation (2003) A faded movie star and a neglected young woman form an unlikely bond after crossing paths in Tokyo.

Diary of a teenage girl (2015) A teen artist living in 1970s San Francisco enters into an affair with her mother’s boyfriend.  ☆

Hick (2011) A Nebraska teen gets more than she bargained for when she sets out for the bright lights of Las Vegas.

Stoker (2013) After India’s father dies, her Uncle Charlie, whom she never knew existed, comes to live with her and her unstable mother. She comes to suspect this mysterious, charming man has ulterior motives and becomes increasingly infatuated with him.  ☆

My Little Bride (2004)  Bo Eun is an ordinary high school girl. Before his grandfather died he orders her to marry Sang Min. She pretends that she doesn’t have a husband and starts dating her crush. Everything goes smoothly until Sang Min visits Bo Eun’s school as a student teacher.

Ginger & Rosa (2012) Ginger is drawn to poetry and protest, while Rosa shows Ginger how to smoke, kiss boys and pray. Ginger’s pacifist father encourages Ginger’s activism, while Rosa starts to take a very different interest in him.

Buffalo ‘66 (1998) After being released from prison, Billy is set to visit his parents with his wife, whom he does not actually have. This provokes Billy to act out, as he kidnaps a girl and forces her to act as his wife for the visit.

Beau Père (1981) After her mother dies, fourteen-year-old Marion falls in love with her stepfather, Remy.  ☆

Copenhagen (2014) When the girl of your dreams is half your age, it’s time to grow up.

Guinevere (1999) A young girl from an affluent family rebels and becomes involved with a much older photographer.

Madrid, 1987 (2011) Two characters: old and young; teacher and pupil; man and woman.

Damage (1992) A member of Parliament falls passionately in love with his son’s fiancée despite the dangers of discovery

Narratage (2017) University student Izumi is contacted by her drama club advisor in high school. Izumi received the support of Hayama when she had felt out of place at school. However, when they reunite, her feelings begin to intensify.  ☆

Policeman and Me (2017) Kako Motoya is in the first year of high school. One day, she pretends she’s a university student and takes part in a group blind date. There, she meets 23-years-old Kota Sagano, a police officer.

My Rainy Days (2009) Rio Ozawa is always the center of attention. She never cared about anyone and is involved in compensated dating. When her photos gets mixed up with a 35 year old college professor, she falls in love.  ☆

[tcrushing4years]

letting go

10/13/18

I think I’m starting to finally let go of my TC. It’s been nearly four months since I’ve seen him and we’ve texted back and fourth probably like 10 times since then. I’ll probably post an update ab these convos once I find the time but I thought the thing I should let those of you who are still interested in our story that as of right now, I’m letting go.

It hasn’t been easy. There have been many a tear shed. If it hadn’t been for the frustration I felt in regards to how he handled certain things when we messaged or me meeting a new guy I probably wouldn’t have gotten to this place. I am no longer in love with my TC. The tea is I still love him. I love him at my core and he will always ALWAYS be there. I think that it’s gonna be something that comes back up again in weird times of my life. But as of right now I am liberated of being in love with this man.

It feels good. It feels scary. It feels wrong. I think for so long loving him was apart of my identity and so was this past we shared. I feel so thankful for it. For loving him and for him being in my life because it has made me a better person. Right now tho, It kinda feels like learning how to walk again. Eventually i’ll be back up to full strides and eventually even sprints.

So there’s a long awaited update. I’ll let you know more once I do but as always I support you and I love you and I am still apart of the tcc because y’all are my family. end of story