Til Death Do Us Part

Back to the poetry.

[tddupco]

Spacesuit (September 2020)

My body is a spacesuit

When you're a college student and you're on a path of destruction, tell someone you're a spaceman and no one understands what you mean

I can't blame them though because they have to tarnish their soul to go to space

I've always been in my head, aren't we all?

But that's the thing, I fail to explain anything reasonably let alone this andromeda phenomena

I never had to try too hard to go into space and when I stopped wishing I was dead I finally got outside of my head

How foolish could I be to send myself to space by force when I was born doing it naturally?

Being able to choose when I went to space gave me some sort of liberty but few too many times and all it became was slavery

I stopped living a lie and was no longer afraid what would happen when I die but I started to fear when I would be dead

Nearly escaping the panic coming like a train, afterwards it sent me back into my head

The bliss of sobriety pales to the death kiss of recovery

It's only by grace I was able to finally quit just overnight and it's also the only way I can still fight

Being in space I always felt so closer to earth but now that I'm equipped with a spacesuit I'm separated from reality by just centimeters

I'm closer to God than I've ever been but just a few centimeters back pushes me back to the voices in my head and they still want me dead

I never know whether to fight them back or just ignore them until I'm able to rest in more than just my bed

And I try to be content because still being alive is more than I deserve but it's so hard to express actual joy when the colors been sucked out of the earth and the person in front of you seems planets away

Even with a different song, change of direction, and life in a different location still leads to the same day repeating

Repetition, repetition

I'm not in hell but I've seen it so whenever there's something new and I swear I've seen it my mind starts to wander, ponder, and dwell in terror

Fear isn't where You want me to be but it's where I'm testing

And You tell me I'll pass but I constantly worry there's trick questions

I know you don't work like that but my opponents already captured all my pawns so now I'm trying to stay strong

My perspective has changed but at least I can still breathe

I can't feel much but at least I can still see

I've always held onto God and hope but this time that's all I really have to hold onto, the temporary pleasures will no longer satisfy me

And I can be thankful for this spacesuit because without it I know I'd be more likely to swallow the same poison and choke

19 September 2020

[tddupco]

Love. From: Above (August 2020)

People don't want to hear me

And they don't want to hear about You

So what do I do when people don't want to hear me talking about You?

I smile

Because You still love them

And I do too

2 August 2020

[tddupco]

Dinner Table (August 2020)

I always dined at Your table

But came a time after my youth into young adulthood where I wanted to leave the "kid's table"

Little did I know that the table I was at was the only table that mattered

I started dining at a table of destruction

Everyone loves sweets! Candy, sugar, desserts and treats

But these things are of no value when you start to feel the sinking at your feet

I got sick of dining at this table because when the food finally digested it took a few seasons but all I saw was everything I regretted

And now as I try to dine at your table I feel openly accepted

But what I feel inside of me is eternally rejected

Despite this hope that I hold onto it bothers me that I'm only doing it to cope while the enemy's already fashioned his rope

What's a rope to be too strong for You?

I can't turn back the clocks so my only hope is a spiritual detox but I'm reading about the person who gets what's on the path he walks

Is it misinterpretation to assume that those who wander will always be lost?

Or when they call on You will they always be brought back to the flock?

I know the answer to the second, at least I think I do, but I have doubts of how I read away from the pew

There's hope and I know this, I'm just hoping I don't blow this

Because it's something I threw then as everyone else said it was something I outgrew, then when that was through and through I'm back on my knees seeking after You

The world's interpretation of cool is Your's of a fool

And I've been on both sides so at times I feel like I'm at a table by myself

Is there a third table somewhere I missed?

Or is this my reward for the signs that I've missed?

Sometimes I feel like I'm at a table by myself as praises from the one from my youth encourage me and company from the other leave me

What I find is that I'm sitting away from the crowd, when You come and sit with me

You invite me to Your table when I was to afraid to sit with Thee

And as those who never knew me drop like flies, I feel a strange delight in the fact that there's not always goodbyes

Because in this they may someday return

Or maybe we never should've said hello

I just hope that in spite of my folly, returning to You isn't just a false glow

2 August 2020

[tddupco]

Don't Preach To Me (July 2020)

I want to reach the people You came to save

But teach me how to do this without having to preach

Why do I try to hammer love into others hearts

When I need that same love hammered in me

"Don't preach" but how do I reach?

"Don't preach" but how else will You teach?

Why is it that I can be passionate about everything else and the world will be praise me

But when I'm passionate about the one who saved me I'm a Pharisee?

What's the purpose of passion?

Do I hide and hide You?

Or do I let You do all the work?

We're called to evangelize even when it leads to being criticized

But it's so hard to distinguish between good and bad criticism

Father how do I reach them?

How I do I reach them without preaching to them?

21 July 2020

[tddupco]

Take My Life (untitled) (July 2020)

Tell me two things:

Who are you and where are you

Do you know

In the case that you shouldn't have you considered this

Maybe it's time to grow

You say you've let go

And you have but does it show

Or is that just what you've put on

Your life seems to be missing

And you blame part of it on being in college and missing out on kissing

Have you ever considered you were set apart for a reason

After a season of destruction don't you ever look for the stubble

Or do you stay in your own bubble terrorized by the pictures in front of the sight

You've blinded yourself to only see night

The world says you're right but when I tell you to fight why can't you take delight

Child you're like dynamite but don't let your fuse detonate on sight

Hide it despite of spite

And eventually you'll see the day

The day where you don't explode to spread fright but to spread love and be a delight

To others you realize this right?

A short fuse is something you choose and you let it abuse or you can put it to good use

Short fuse is it to recluse or is it to put to good use

Stick of dynamite full of love

A stick of dynamite from above

But I won't claim He sent me although I'm His

I'm just seeking to give you the gist

My works can't do a thing

I'm only a servant expecting to spread the work of my King

And even through suffering I won't stop because even He was bleeding

I can't say I've reached that point but when if I do it'll be great delight

Because then I'll know there's no more terror in the night

There's no need to want to take my life

But I'll ask this of You please take my life

Because I don't want it anymore at least like this

It wasn't mine to begin with

9 July 2020

[tddupco]

Sovereignty In Suffering (July 2020)

Did I choose despair

To wander where no man dare

Truly no one ever wants to but it's too late once they're already there

A voice telling me if I miss my call then I'll fall

But when I respond to the call I'm told to be patient

Isn't this too a stall?

The thing I've become well at, sung about in my first last track

And I've finally changed, but how do I know that?

I want to run far from here

To a place that's dear

But the run there being so severe rises wander as to if it's something we have to endure

Did I choose my torment, or is this what God meant?

It's only fair considering I'm the one who wandered from my tent

40 days in the desert or a lifetime of suffering, but when 40 becomes 80 and God forbid threefold that, did I choose the latter?

I believe this is real, but I can't help how I feel

Do I deceive myself and lie to everyone else saying I'm doing well while everyday I'm battling hell?

The only water in a desert so dry is my tears when I begin to cry

And I'm ashamed to admit but there comes a point when I want to cry but I can't

Is this joy? Or is this forgetting oil for my lamp?

With dreams that I don't understand what they mean

It feels like my insides are being torn from the seams

I tried sewing it back together and all I did is apply a patch

But now I'm screaming I want You back

Do I have to scream loud enough or long enough?

When will I ever learn even if I did everything right it still wouldn't be enough?

We're told to be like Christ and Joshua but I feel like Job and Solomon and God forbid I become like Saul or Judas

I can read Ecclesiastes but still feel like a Pharisee

And who am I to say whether this is fair?

You see, this life isn't mine in the first place

And trying to finish the race in first place is a spit directly to the King's face

It's a marathon, not a sprint, and although I can't seem to take a hint until it's three years too late I won't give up until I see that gate

It's not enough to see the gate

I want to see Your face and be able to say I finished the race

I'd rather meet You with a sprained ankle, torn quadricep, and shattered knee than to experience the things I pray no one ever sees

And through all this, I'll trust that You're good

Who am I to say otherwise?

9 July 2020

[tddupco]

Chasing (a Dream) (the Wind) (untitled) (July 2020)

I'm torn

Is giving up on my dream right?

Or is chasing it pride?

Would holding onto it be Your delight?

Or would it lead us to a fight?

"Here comes the dreamer" they mocked

Even though they were of the same flock

I was white but thought it okay to become black but all it left me was gray

What does the black sheep do when he no longer wants to go his own way

9 July 2020

[tddupco]

dream poem (untitled) (march 2020)

a dream is akin to a destiny, if you really think about it

it's foolish to say that, for my dream went down the drain

but only a fool would dare allow that

a fool is the one who didn't dream enough

when they woke from their slumber they never really woke up because they wouldn't journal their dreams

soon enough, they told themselves their dream was a fairytale, something inconceivable, never to see the light of day

they picked up anything to comfort their lack of a dream, starting with nicotine

they used to grab in front of them but now it's just their lungs grabbing for any air they can because 60% is less efficient than 85%

and they say only the fittest survive and maybe that's because they kept the dream alive

but it's more than just dreaming, it's fighting

fighting for what's right, fighting for yourself, and fighting even when you can't see the light

so fight your demons, make them not only know your name but fear it

when they hear your name make them sear from it

cause kid you're on fire, bright enough for everyone to see it

fight your demons and dream of angels and see how divine your time flows

are you going to believe the dream, or succumb to the fairytale?

5 march 2020

[tddupco]

andy's happiness (december 2019)

i dug my grave so far down that it was what for me to dig a tunnel to find my way out

this wasn't easy, i stumbled upon several minerals i never thought i'd have to encounter

by the time my tunnel was long enough to escape, i found myself lost at sea

submerged under water for what seemed like years, even if it were only one

as i swam closer to the ships and light, i felt pressure slowly began to release

it was all sudden, you lose a lot of your awareness when you're under pressure so low and it takes awhile to regain that consciousness you once had at surface level

the higher i swam the brighter the light above grew and i knew soon would be the time

eventually i'd make it out from the depths, across the shallow end, and i'd be basking in the glow

there's a sense of freedom and now that i'm at shore, i have a long way to roam

the depths below i was the only friend i knew, but the sunset over the horizon i just departed assures me that a better day is to come

and after being under pressure for so long, you become certain when the better days are no longer ahead and are in front of you

each step closer to land dries off the water i was surrounded by, and finally closer into warmer hands

the molecules decay, i leave them behind for better days

the water shaped me, it made me, but i refuse to let it break me

3 december 2019

[tddupco]

unconventional outsider (november 2019)

cry, you can't use your imagination, you have to use the formula

cry, you can't write a poem if the lines aren't even or don't follow a rhyme

cry, you can't chase your dreams kid, you're wasting your time

we're told that we're all unique, but taught how and what to think

we're told that we have a voice, but we're silenced when we speak

we're told that we have potential, but androids and screens replaced us all before we could even start

i wasn't aware of who i was until long after i realized who i wasn't

years of thinking i wasn't enough, just to learn they didn't deserve me

but now, it seems like no one deserves me

i've learned to love myself, i'm not narcissistic

but when it comes to relationships i no longer have comprehension of what's realistic

these days it seems like the only two i talk to are my Savior and i, but if you asked others they'd say i'm an alright guy

what am i to expect? and what's alright?

do i have expectations so high even i lost sight of them, or is all this confusion and mishap expected?

i tried using the formula, but it was missing color

i tried writing poems, but i couldn't get past the first lines

and i started to chase my dreams, but am i wasting my time?

ive learned that i'm not like the others

but amidst these voices i feel too timid to speak

and i know i'm full of potential but you'll replace me by next week

i no longer know what to expect because none of that matters when what you want doesn't matter to others

insignificant, isn't it?

insignificant, aren't i?

13 november 2019

[tddupco]

earthling (november 2019)

the one for me probably doesn't live on earth

they live in a spaceship, in a place far away from any earthling

deep in the spaces of their head

the astronaut walks aimlessly, watching the alien life forms speak in another language

some call it the language of love, but it's all foreign

nothing makes sense, no matter how hard they try

a laugh is easy, but when's the last time they were taken seriously, when they felt understood?

not many people have ears to hear someone in a spacesuit

even fewer choose to listen to the words from behind the helmet

it's seems the only time they're even heard is when screaming

maybe that's when those earless like van gogh will listen to the astronaut's meaning

12 november 2019

[tddupco]

use what you learned dissociating for good (2019)

you don't know yourself, it's okay neither do i

but i'd like to be the reason you fall asleep at night

was my approach too strong?

or is it okay mr. running as a metaphor to run from your problems?

why don't you love yourself, and act like something's missing?

when everything you'll ever need is staring right back at me

the reflection doesn't, but your head is full of lies

and quit acting like it's taking you for surprise

silly feller, you let a spark ignite

and they didn't know you're a shipment of dynamite

so burn the forest and save the bees until the world is on their knees

take no for answer, it'll teach you how to say it

and when you want something act on it, child pray for it

stop crying that no one loves you and know that i do

don't listen to others opinions, understand that it's true.

come on child, what is there to lose

if you get at least part of your life together by the age of 22?

you're not as broken as you thought you were, and i like you that way

but don't be cowardly enough to assume i didn't when you went astray

so thank your family, thank your homies too

but also run from them because they'll never love you like i do you

when you're dancing when no one's around, cracking jokes like an inquisitive clown

or even when you're just being you and say "today i might wear a gown"

you never fail to erase my frown

you don't have to step outside your body to look in and see

all the things that make you i, and myself me

undated, 2019

[tddupco]

the man in the trees (august 2019)

oh mountain man, how have you been?

do you still get pains throughout your leg?

or how about the worries in your head?

have you finally found the happiness you sought after?

remember when all you wanted was for life to end

but you now retreat to childhood dreams,

stop, breathe, and pretend

i saw you through the forest today and i couldn't help but smile

a tear ran down my cheeks knowing it had been awhile

since you loved yourself, since you felt a purpose, since you had a grasp of health

for years i saw you in your youth, knowing who you were but failing to admit who you could be

your past made you, but it could only limit for so long

how foolish was it to think you couldn't surpass that, to become like the evergreen

you always had the height to compare, along with the courage of a bear

though you travel without a lamp your light could be seen from miles

and i know to some you felt like a fright, but to others you led them through the night

i see you didn't give up, and disregard what you might say because it was always enough

whenever you stopped, all you did was make it harder for yourself to catch up

as night started to fade into a day darker than the last, you walked away from the idea that there's no way this could possibly last

but the days became brighter, and so have you

it doesn't take mental gymnastics to see that's true

so hike the hills and frolic through the forest, but let me go with you

because i strayed from your side one too many times, and i lost track of your light

now i've found you, i'll follow you home

and now that He's found us, we'll follow Him home

i'll be happy here until i'm happy There

15 august 2019

[tddupco]

Ataraxia (April 2019)

Somewhere out there there’s two figures, one larger than the other

They share stories but their mouths are shut

They lock eyes yet are blind

They hold hands but are bodiless

And despite being deaf, they listen to each other

Amidst the draft in a hidden room, they share a sense of belonging, but a sense of nothingness

Maybe they’ve felt too little or maybe they’ve felt too much and that’s why they’re in this room

Several open the door, but not many enter

And the ones who do never stay long enough

Mouths whisper, eyes glance, and ears listen, but they aren’t like the two

None of them

The two could stay in the room seemingly forever

But time has never existed, and they start to wonder if that relates to any of this

One looks at the other and says

I don’t know where I am, but I feel at home

7 April 2019

[tddupco]

Exhaustion (April 2019)

21:30, I put the keys in my ignition again to warm my toes

A cloud of co2 emits through my exhaust, and I feel shame

Killing this world to prolong the time before the world kills me

Listening to the same playlist, trying to think of what’s next

The complacency leads to contingency and my mind becomes a maze

A labyrinth of every lie I’ve ever told as my toes become cold

It gets late, so I go inside to avoid laundry another night

I tell them I’m getting better, and I think I am

But wait, you’ll see

4 April 2019

[tddupco]

Hometown Heritage (May 2016)

The presence of prejudice is prominent over every precedent in this valley.

It consumes us all regardless of our background or our claims.

Our president is a racist, your god is a fraud, you're an illegal, and don't dare approach them because they're evil.

How shallow was my so called philanthropy.

It took relations with them and a travel to the west coast to find out there's no need for division in diversity.

What I said I could never love became the next one, and I'll forget her misery because G-d knew I cared.

It took loving an Indian to know that despite my terrors of her leaving it didn't allude to any other antics of that nature.

Terror.

Broken English and disrespect fueled my intellect to make me think I was a superior being even though they too had running water but three kitchen sinks.

Stereotypes exist for a reason so as separation, sexual trafficking, and the city of Sodom.

G-d, we judge them before we know them and I'm sick of it!

In the land of palm trees there was no time for racism and immoral decision.

Let our countries have borders but not our hearts.

The only definition of native I always knew was negative and local always translated to a Spanish word "loco."

When I enter those school doors again my financial status will matter;

My level of education will matter;

The number of guitars I own and my sister's brand new car will be an accommodation to the fact that we're spoiled Spanish settlers;

And that's okay.

Because that's not what G-d sees and that's what He'll never see.

I respect Them enough to call them Natives and I Love them enough to call them People.

We're all G-d's children and we shouldn't bicker with our brothers.

Forgive them for He has forgiven you.

7 May 2016

[tddupco]

Lovely Liar (April 2016)

Hello old friend, its been a while since we last spoke.

I at least pretend its been.

We're always fighting and regardless of how much I want you to stay you're destructive.

Every time we talk I regret it afterwards, to the point of self-hatred.

You only come around when I'm lonely.

Growing up I always said I had a vivid imagination so when did that become a violating fabrication?

When you shake hands with a brother do they feel your shame the way you do?

Those around you will influence it and say it's natural but even is death and we avoid furthering that.

It's not only a deprecating act but a detestable act despite the critic's and their false prescribing counselling.

It's never made me feel better and it never will.

And how will it make her feel?

To look at another woman in a way I've never looked at her only speaks so much about my intentions.

These paid people are real bodies with tangible thoughts and wouldn't care for your sweet loss.

Do you really want to cheat her? I'm no genius but I'm confident the reasons your cry for her now are better than the reasons you will cry for her after this is just a stain on your heart deeper than those in your sheets.

She can see you clearer than the amused concentrate that's produced when you procrastinate.

You chose her so prove you'll keep her.

False proclamations of respect will mean nothing if your defiling shows none to those feeding our eyes.

And if it shows none to them with an equal reverence what does it show to her?

Temporary days surpass temporary minutes so why bother when all you're left with are things we can't speak of?

We've come to mix love with lust and I'm guilty.

You pathetic little fool will love her while you lust after everything else.

Well I'll tell you this, you can only have one or the other and the one you water will grow though one is a cactus and as we all know they store what they take in.

This night I want you consider, would you rather hold her with a smile or your pillow drenched in tears and wasted years?

Love her, and love yourself just to know what you need.

Don't get those words mixed up though because then you'll only acknowledge what you want.

Take this moment to breathe, slowly.

No more heavy breaths and adrenaline accompanied thoughts.

Save your heart beats for her ears and not your altered blood circulation.

Your hands can do so much more.

25 April 2016