It Will Be Okay

I am surviving with anxiety, depression, panic disorder and PTSD and this is where I come when I need to breath

[tearsoakedarmor]

Lonely

I wish I had someone…

to look for their name when my phone lights up,

to share mundane photos throughout the day,

to grow,

learn,

and lay with.

but

I have no desire to feel broken

again.

[tearsoakedarmor]

Sometimes I get tired of being alone,

But then I give someone a chance.

And remember why I'm alone.

[tearsoakedarmor]

I am too old

To fall so quickly

Over so little

[tearsoakedarmor]

I am tired of wanting to be loved

[tearsoakedarmor]

Having a broken heart over the life you always dreamed of...

[tearsoakedarmor]

I'm getting tired again

I don't want to do this again...

[tearsoakedarmor]

I guess you got bored

The delusion was nice while it lasted

[tearsoakedarmor]

I am a scared woman.

I can handle anything.

Except,

Falling for another man that isn't worth a second of my time.

[tearsoakedarmor]

I'm the Oldest

The one that does everything for everyone

The one no one notices.

When anyone needs anything I am there,

They can always count on me,

But I know

I don't have the same luxury.

And if I speak up and express how I feel,

I'm a nag no one wants to hear.

I am always used and needed as a must

But made to feel like I'm just in the way of everyone's life when I'm not.

[tearsoakedarmor]

I'm tired of taking care of everyone but me I've been doing it since I was 12.

I have so much inside I can't find the words.

[tearsoakedarmor]

I hope one day my life fits together again.

[tearsoakedarmor]

A Boy Versus a Man

I want someone

But, I don't have another heartbreak in me.

I don't have another disclaimer of of what it is to be with me.

I don't need another boy playing "hero" thinking he's "saving" me from my trauma.

I want a man that accepts my trauma and loves me because of it.

A man that sees my jagged edges and scars and never makes me feel like I need to apologize for them.

Until I find this

I'd rather be lonely

Then again feel guilty for my partner being with me.

There are boys that will read this and think 'I can be that man'

Because boys romanticize broken women

And don't understand that we don't want to be loved despite our scars but because of them.

A boy sees our scars as something that needs to be healed,

A man understands our scars are part of us.

A boy wants to "fix" her and the man doesn't see anything to fix.

[tearsoakedarmor]

"Do you love anyone?", he asks while turning to face me.

"I want to", I answer, "but I don't think my idea of love will find me in this lifetime"

[tearsoakedarmor]

I get lonely and think having someone would be nice.

Then I feel the sting the last one left behind.

[tearsoakedarmor]

I went to school for psych so I could help my mentally ill, alcoholic sister.

Now I have the training and knowledge but you can't help people who don't want it

Now I have the skills to help but all I can do is watch my family implode around me.

I want to leave but my sister has a daughter now.

I can't leave knowing I'm leaving her.

I don't know what to do.

[tearsoakedarmor]

I don’t have wet dreams.

I have dreams of someone falling in love with me.

Is that sad?

[tearsoakedarmor]

I want someone but I am tired of lessons

I want a friend, a lover, a partner

But I am tired of men that don’t know how to love me.