Inner Ramblings of an Unhappy Human

[tedderygrahams]

The Problem with Monday

Hello again friends!

Happy Monday to all! I know... no one ever feels that way. Literally. Monday implies so many crappy things: end of the weekend, start of the work week, blah, blah blah. I guess not quite the start of the work week if you don’t work your typical M-F but even then you probably have friends or something who do work that M-F life and are dreading Monday. I mean I guess either way, Sunday is the usual end of the weekend. I think we all get the point. I mean I worked at a spot where the work week started on a Friday. Talk about a mind fuck when I transitioned to a more “normal” work week. Threw everything off. Real talk though, I still dreaded Mondays. 

But this post isn’t about having the case of the Mondays... it’s the OTHER problem with Monday. I know... there’s ANOTHER problem with Monday?! Yes. Yes, there is. It’s the whole, “it’s time to start over on Monday” and the pressure that comes along with it. You know why this post is going up? Because I built up this morning over the weekend. Hell, I built it up last week. I made a list of things I wanted to do and what times and this morning that all went out the window. I felt like shit. I can’t even pretend it didn’t suck. I forgot to set my alarm to 5AM and woke up past 7. Was so discouraged that i stayed in bed well past 8. 

I know, I know, you’re all saying Teddy, that was stupid. Why would you make things so much worse for yourself? Well guys, to put it plainly, I was just sad. Disappointed in myself. You name it. How do you get up motivated after that? It’s a doozy... I probably should have picked my ass up by my bootstraps. I know. I get it. But I didn’t and I let the soggy shitty feeling drag all day. We all know I hate my job, that’s no secret but it was exponentially worse today. I hated every minute. I was moody, off balance, off kilter, just plain off. I felt totally unstable. One minute I was up then i was down and miserable and grumpy. My co-workers, bless them, had to deal with a monster today.

So how did I go from that to this current beam of relative sunshine? Good question. I realized what was at the source of everything. It’s Monday. That’s the problem with Monday. (Side note: is the word Monday starting to sound/look weird or is that just me?) I put SO much into it being Monday. So much that I built it up just to come crashing down. Guys, it’s easy, take it easy on Monday, it’s not it’s fault that it’s the first day of the week. Maybe we should change the conversation. Like yay Monday! Just kidding, I’m never going to be pro-Monday. That’s just not my vibe. If that’s you, kudos and atta human! But if it’s not, that’s okay too. I think we need to stop feeling like we’re failing because we’re not 100% on the ball. Some Mondays are going to be shittier than ever. I know, I’ve watched all of the CEO morning routines too; wake up early every day, have a routine... I know. But what if... what if I don’t want to conform to what they do. What if I want to find my way to success my own way and not completely emulate someone I can’t reach. By reach I mean someone whose brain I can’t pick. I’d love to ask them how they decided that waking up early was for them, what to do if they couldn’t go to bed early... because fun fact all, you can’t always live life according to a set plan. I was supposed to sleep early today but I got called over to work and now I’m going to bed late (this post was already written but I didn’t get a chance to post until now). Life is a series of choices and circumstance.

It sounds like I’m making excuses for my being lazy this morning. I’m not. I know I was. I take full responsibility. I should have set the alarm. What kind of super organized person doesn’t set the alarm... seriously. I guess where I’m going with this is that I put too much pressure on Monday and on myself. I tried to do too much and set a date to be “A New Me” and now I feel like a failure. I mean there’s still tomorrow obviously but have you ever felt like, well, I failed on a Monday. Time to wait to start a new week? Is that just me? Maybe it is and this post is completely useless to you... or maybe it’s not and you’re catching my drift. Either way, I’m feeling like I’m going to say okay, bye Monday. Onto Tuesday! 

Honestly, start your journey when you want to and when you’re ready. Don’t rush it because it’s Monday and don’t put it off because it’s not. You do you. You go at your own pace. I know I’m going to tomorrow anyway.

Another piece of advice... don’t change everything at once. That’s not realistic. Things don’t change all at once, nothing is perfect and too much change can be jarring. Snail’s pace it or change two or three things at a time, up to you. Just remember that it’s okay to slip sometimes. Be nice to yourself. You’re the only you that you get. 

I already forgot how I ended the last post haha that’s okay too!

Happy Monday!

Teddy

Mood: Just Okay.

[tedderygrahams]

I wanna be as carefree as a quokka ❤️

[tedderygrahams]

I’m just done waiting.

Hellooooo interwebs!

I guess I should start from the beginning before the word vomit takes over and I’m no longer coherent… or maybe I’ll be even wiser. Who knows honestly. I feel like I should maybe say something to draw you in but you’re here anyway. Anyway, like I said, let’s start from the beginning.

So, my name isn’t Teddy but it’s what I’ll call myself. I’ve been an aspiring writer for a long as I can remember. I’m 30 and working a dead end bullcrap job that doesn’t feed my soul and barely feeds my wallet. I was raised by a single parent, my mother, who is currently battling stage 3 breast cancer. It might be Stage 2. I feel like it’s 2 but someone said it was 3. Anyway, the specifics don’t matter. I’m from a fairly traditional Asian family; they think you shouldn’t move out unless you’re getting married. My sisters managed to escape but I’m still here. Long story short because who needs that long winded blather: I wanted to pursue a creative career. The family is super opposed. I’ve been trying it their way and I’ve been miserable for as long as I can remember. Okay, so maybe I should delve a little deeper because I should kind of privileged and annoying.

Why am I so miserable? I know, it’s my life, my choices. I’m your classic people pleaser; needing validation from my family and hoping they’re proud of me. They expected a lot, you know? I was the “smart one” and now I make the least. I was always heavier and it was always a problem. I wasn’t as attractive as everyone else. All I had was the smarts and potential and as far as they’re concerned, I shit it all away. Getting promotions at my then part time job didn’t make them proud, it made them fear I was settling for something sub-par. So now I work in a lab, hating every minute of it so they’ll be proud of me and fun fact… they’re still not. Should note that I’m not a full time employee. I have this weird contract that means I work full time hours but don’t get full time benefits. I know. Why haven’t I left? It’s been 5 years. You know how it is, you get comfortable, you make excuses and you hustle your ass off to move up stay exactly where you are. I’ve done it all; the networking, the mentors and the sponsors, the seminars. I. Am. Still. Exactly. Right. Here.

So what’s different this time around? It’s safe to assume that if I’ve put that effort forward into trying to “move up” then I’ve been trying to “change” my life too. Ding ding ding, you would be correct. So really, I know, you’re asking, “Teddy, why the blog? What’s different?”

So I had an epiphany. Those who know me will say, hey you always have an epiphany! What is it ACTUALLY this time. So I’ve been a sadsack for a while now, I’ve been the victim of circumstance forever… My coworker quit. That’s what happened. Why is that relevant? Let me tell you the ways. So we’ve both been stuck in that shithole forever. Years. Less for her but years. I used to spontaneously burst into a piddling crying machine just standing in the lab. Everything sucked. We always commiserated on that. And then suddenly, she did it. She quit. No plan. Just didn’t wanna be miserable.

Now I went through all the damn stages of… not grief but just all of them. All the stages. Happy. Sad. Mad. Jealous. Happy. Mad. Resentful. Happy. Mad. Happy. Mad. Happy… WHY AREN’T YOU GRABBING YOUR OWN LIFE BY THE BALLSACK?! Real talk. That’s what happened. I was in a funk for all of five minutes and then I was like no, no no, teds, you’re a powerhouse. Thanks V for saying that. It’s stuck with me ever since. But really, other people see it in you, why don’t you? What is holding you back?

And then boom. It hit me. Physically. Kind of. I was sitting at my local Super Lube getting an oil change and he slammed the hood of my car down and it was like something snapped. All of a sudden, I was like okay, no. You know why you struggle soooo much? Because you know this isn’t right. You know that you’re in control you’re just too chickenshit to actually take control. No one’s holding a gun to your head saying oh you’re fucked.

So how do we do this? How do we grab life by the ol’ cahones and trudge full steam ahead of the powerhouse-y, creative swirly twirly happy dappy teddery grahamery that you know you’re more than capable of?

And here’s why we’re where we are… and why we have this blog. Everyone says, manifestation is the way to go. Manifest the life you want. There’s no time frame though so how do I know if it’s successful? Honestly, I don’t know. I guess my happiness level and if I’m getting to where I want to be.

Leads us to our next questions obviously: where do you want to be?

Instead of being generically “happy”, I’m going to try to be more specific on what I want. I want to move into a job that feeds my creative soul and makes me feel fulfilled. I want to attract abundance and not have to live paycheque to paycheque. I want to share the things I create with people who aren’t just in my inner circle. I want a relationship with someone who understands and loves my brand of weird. I want to move into a space I’ve created to be my own. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and take my health back; lose some weight and be able to keep up in a spin class. I want to travel somewhere I’ve never been even if it’s just a small town somewhere close. I want to manifest the life I know I deserve and am capable of living.

Day one starts tomorrow. Thanks for following along!

-Teddy

Today I feel: Rainbow (angry, sad, happy, invigorated and a little drunk)