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@tedfacts
Ted Cruz Facts - Ted Fact Tuesday
1. Â Ted Cruz consults the food pyramid prior to mealtime.
2. Ted Cruz clips his nails in public.
3. Since 9/11 Ted Cruz has been unable to play Jenga.
4. To prevent being overcome by homosexual urges, Ted Cruz eats Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies.
5. Ted Cruz once wore a helmet to a spin class.
6. Ted Cruz frequently asks fellow restaurant patrons for their leftovers.
Seen here, Ted Cruz asks a fellow Boston Market patron, Malcolm Halle, (right) if he’s going to finish his fresh vegetable stuffing, available at select locations.
Ted Cruz Facts - Ted Fact Tuesday
7. Ted Cruz roams around the cabin as soon as the pilot turns off the fasten seatbelt sign.
8. Ted Cruz loves the smell of wet dog.
9. Ted Cruz brews his own ketchup.
10. Please refrain from interrupting Ted Cruz when he’s talking to himself. Â
11. Ted Cruz cannot parallel park by himself.
12. Ted Cruz can regularly be heard saying “there's an app for that”.
Here we see a giddy Ted Cruz - mid-roam - on an Airbus A-318 celebrating the freedom of movement after the captain turned off the fasten seatbelt sign.Â
Ted Cruz Facts
Ted Cruz calls Time Warner to listen to the hold music.
Ted Cruz love air travel because TSA pat-downs make him giggle.
Watching Top Chef gives Ted Cruz heartburn.
Ted Cruz’s car got towed the last time he shopped at Burlington Coat Factory.
Ted Cruz begrudgingly shares his Furby collection with his daughters. Â
Ted Cruz can’t have intercourse without flatulating upon climax. Â
Here we see an ecstatic Ted Cruz on the phone with Time Warner, who he calls purely to listen to the familiar melodies of their hold music.
Ted Cruz picked Carly Fiorina in hopes of obtaining a rebate on his HP OfficeJet Pro.
Ted Cruz drives with the parking brake on.
Ted Cruz has been known to tickle complete strangers.
Priests have filed restraining orders against Ted Cruz.
Ted Cruz has homeowners insurance on his birdhouse.
Ted Cruz wakes up early to watch the garbage men.
Ted Cruz, seen above, peers out his living room window eagerly awaiting a trash pick up from his local sanitation department.Â
Ted Facts
Ted Cruz once went missing between the couch cushions.
Ted Cruz posts his election results on his fridge.
Ted Cruz has sprained his ankle while ironing.
Chuck E Cheese has banned Ted Cruz from all 590 worldwide locations.
Ted Cruz’s last summer fling was with a tube of Coppertone.Â
Ted Cruz invented chain mail.Â
Here we see a brave Ted Cruz, as he displays the courage to sit on a couch after being found trapped between the cushions of his beige Ethan Allen Pratt Sofa, just weeks prior.Â
Ted Cruz Facts
Ted Cruz can deepthroat a corn dog.
Ted Cruz is constantly on the lookout for Waldo.
A crippling fear of bees keeps Ted Cruz from consuming honey.
Ted Cruz can turn prunes back into plums.
Ted Cruz gets booed at children’s hospitals.
Ted Cruz has gotten electrocuted from a soap dispenser.
Ted Cruz, seen here, curiously gazes into the horizon in search of the elusive Waldo and a better America (not shown).Â
Ted Cruz Facts - Ted Fact Tuesday
Ted Cruz once had a panic attack at a day spa.
Ted Cruz signs checks in crayon.
Ted Cruz is unable to chew and digest gummy vitamins.
Ted Cruz roleplays as a proctologist.
People have contracted pink eye from Ted Cruz’s dance moves.
Ted Cruz is proficient at hunting bovine.
Ted Cruz’s wifi password requires extensive knowledge of the 1992 Buick LeSabre owner’s manual.
Ted Cruz contracted diabetes from overplaying Candy Crush.
Ted Cruz reads all of his spam emails. And forwards them to “the guys.”
Ted Cruz gets winded from a tube of GoGurt.
Ted Cruz watches only men born as men go potty.
Ted Cruz makes his daughters watch him urinate.
Here we see Ted enjoying a cup of warm prune juice after a laborious day hunting cattle (not shown) with his best friend Yevgeny Wilkerson, Jiffy Lube regional manager.Â
Ted Cruz Facts
Ted Cruz’s favorite day is Monday.
Ted Cruz pre-games his visits to Jiffy Lube by chugging prune juice.
Ted Cruz rollerblades.
During the winter months, Ted Cruz knits with his belly button fuzz.
Ted Cruz prefers unscented baby wipes.
Ted Cruz makes reservations at Chili’s under the name “El Presidente.”
Here we see Ted Cruz as he slurps away on some warm prune juice in preparation for his bi-daily visit to Jiffy Lube, to “hang with the guys.” Â
Ted Cruz Facts
Ted Cruz shaves his inner thighs to help promote diversity.
Ted Cruz’s therapist has stopped returning his phone calls.
Ted Cruz keeps a wet dream journal.
Twice daily Ted Cruz moisturizes his elbows.
Ted Cruz stores a spare mock turtleneck in his cubby. Just in case.
Ted Cruz runs his loofah through the dishwasher once a week.