i keep getting wired after dark
i dont sleep. and ill wake up colder
i feel so much i wanna jump
i feel so lucky
i dont know where we stand but i probably should
i dont forget to be ashamed
i can listen for hours and i can talk too
so much shell still
im lucky so do i need this much shell?
trying to be impressive and it could help
doing what i want
but not too much im sorry
ive been having so much fun
i have more fun if i could get hurt. or its the other way around
im not confused thats other peoples problem. i need my flow state. and everything i say is gold if you say it is. im scary and capable of anything. im in my flow state. using my catchphrases. i wanna make you warm. i cant lose this. im workshopping it and want to always seem cool and sexy. and i want. and i want to never be even a little embarrased or feel my dignity shaken but no one gets that so its okay if i dont either. i think my flow state will pan out. i have a timid nature that, i feel, indicates i need to keep agile and i dont work on that enough right now. i adore Piranesi
desire strength
but deal in sensitivities and subtle motions
soft moments
i want to tune my life to your smile
and must always listen
strength indoctrinates
traffic in protectection and insulating
heave bulging, taut sobs
i cant hear you anymore
but what if i need to save us?
to no one in particular
grit is in the seams of your fabrics
hat hung in reach
hands are where they should be mostly
the trash is put away mostly.stiff mirrors.black electric tape keeps that sticky stuff inside.one light blinking, others indecisive.belts made to howl
appreciative
folded up comfort paperwork.so many cigarettes and some of their burns
legally required consciousness
not always delicate
secured in place
falsely accredited
carrying abilities, some so immense.you take your real beatings on the inside
twisted stomach
turning?
churning
grieving the rejection of other joys
(also animal protective of my wounds)
could be yours if you get over it
if you hear past the loudest voices
exasperated stuttering
cant help it cant look away
was shoved down the steep muddy hill into these old habits
burning this garbage, working the bellows, smoke spewing foul
in a place where i am loved and not understood
i feel bad for leaving early
number
a world that wants me. you offer pressure, blurred lines, a totalizing softness and above all
warmth
i focus on my torso. intangible atmospheric conditions mean everything to me and inform if i am hated or loved. invisible particles tell me i am good sometimes but i still want the body pressure, blurred in my periphery,
being soft to me.
focusing on what i didnt say. a spectre of hierarchy draws out my disdain
(unreality)
just keep listening, talking till it hurts, learn
getting closer to my last gut to spill. fear babbles, spending it's credit. i know i'll remember but i think i'm forgetting.
thank you for this
thank you for this
thank you for this
i thought it will end badly. and theres a world that wants me. for now the air has told me i'm okay.
this morning i heard birds learning eachothers songs
finding materials that instill a purpose like trance
stomach lost its leash on the momentum of running down hill
inspired and enabled into a trance like purpose
sorry for my weaknesses, its a common habit
you keep coming back and youve been gone for so long.every option hurts.hazardous landscape.tunnel walls painted with the faces of men in sickness and discomfort.it always comes back.you always come back.stop coming back.please stop.i want to stop feeling it.15 years?
it wont simplify.it just wouldnt be right.i have no choice
to grow i rejected a lot
nothing is destroyed, everything is movement
uncertainty has been thoroughly poisoned
purpose always leaves
familiar
oasis
collapsing
blind to safety
it has been some time
hit by the truck
security tether
electrical tiring
flow is directed easily by morale and agility
FUCK YES! YES!
AAAAAAAAA
ok
thank you
it speaks for itself
perfect
i feel so much i wanna jump
high complexity
(over/under)thinking
string under tension but no notes plucked
nauseating hiding place
theres still mystery
soothing details
i want to look closer
inspired, agile
in a lightless weightless pool
cant draw back limbs extended
buckling over dry land
overspending
heat sweating away
i'd much rather melt
merge
please
there is no lesser bliss
yellow basement blue floor grey carpet
aching head and hollow chest
not actually that bad
smiles at the end but in the middle of it
aching cord hollow tension
(presumption, teehee)
not mine to break
keep pulling dragging out tonal friction
hollow tension
in love
dirty.smoking so much weed.dinner.the porch.emotional contamination.the porch roof.broken glass a couple times.other people.their things.watching tv.dinner.stress.garbage.centipedes.smoking so much weed.baths.lots of easily forgoten tears.the end of the night
together
10,000 more moments of mundane joy
please remember my shape
it will explode soon
stop telling me things.you are wrong
nothing
hateful nothing
too much
i want to hurt and be hurt
i think the concussion is giving me violent dreams.i dont like being followed.im gonna start carrying a weapon
i dont want to be hurt and i am indifferent towards hurting but i dont want to weird you out
hungry, sweaty
ugly
what if its resentment
what if its resentment
sharp and lashing
fragile
built upon fragile
hurts
scream
at a frequency that shatters
hey
lost my shell
fuck. fuck.
motes of dust rip through
vital chunks removed
strange body popping sound
will hurt you
never who i want to be
what i get for wanting
envisioning a graceful path through my tears
it just wouldnt be right.i have no choice
its fine it like actually doesn't matter big picture
cold summer
need
and when it gets bad
and when it gets bad.all twenty digits.bound in radius to the heart or throat.subject to gravity.wire bite vibrations.contort closer.beat slow breathe shallow.tremors of living in transit to the limbs.subtle nauseu.move weak.because it all chokes
uninspired
thanks for liking me anyway
please stow precious and delicate things here
the roof and walls are made of paper
they weep and wreck gently
the weakness is better
to make trust vestigial
peel back every layer
see a simple mechanism and know its consequence
was suffocating now the air stings
i had to know
always tweaking, tuning
always curating
always other things to say
i am what i do
who do i want to be?
who do i have to be?
hate optimism.just for a second.now hate the second fuck you
pair
two wheels.machine smart rpm.leading me in an everchanging circle
theres a sadness that always rings
with you
but only at the end of the night
drunken
an indefinite light signal behind the eyes
hooked
fucking please press against me
wants me
sleep
unrelated pain.tired of thinking.rim of the wheel passes through me and it seeps.smears.unrecognizably
i want to spit every word at your feet
wont stop
wont stop
wont stop
im sorry
not worth screaming
no one gives a shit
no one gives a shit
ugly
ugly
liar
its confusing and it doesnt make sense
it makes sense.its all ash
everything dirty
unlovable
dust and hair
stench
rot
youre fucking stupid
stop speaking
the world is a hot rod with evil wheels.trampling.constant endings.nevers.everywhere until theres everything.are you driving?
scared to tears
soft fabric cravings
stomach and fingers ride on the pistons spacial rhythm
hoping to laugh
all that has ever been loved goes under the wheels some day
but i cant stop finding those to love
and i am loved in turn
running ragged
running ragged
infinitly looking closer
running away from home
i decide if its worth it?
building houses of cards in total darkness
finding laughter
catch a breeze in the shade
maybe its kind of cool
how immeasurably huge these wheels are
house of mirrors for a heart
the light between panes has been there forever
so the past is hanging in the air
in a little room talking about it
its all dependant on scale.a foot is a mile.everyone is everywhere and we are all alone.it makes sense why
i want the distance between us indistinguishable
no light let through
please
i
parallel grooves and contoured surfaces
driven teeth
extremities saturated in self and its longing
:))
really good
ok
so theres this charismatic hedonist who i hate because hes weird pushy needy smart self interested manipulative transparent so much fun inconsiderate lazy obvious impulsive assertive annoying loud attractive oblivious confident overbearing incapable of forethought wanting friendly messy so much fucking fun
i think he doesnt matter
feeling something simple a lot
to feel smart
pour over its schematics
unfamiliar components making
an unfamiliar mechanism making
a vague vision of consequence
trust would be required
would you
should i
trust someone contaminated trust biased trust desperate trust urges trust need trust warmth trust mouth nose skin ears eyes trust drive
like probably not actually?
right?
youre smart do you think im smart?
feeling something simple a lot
give it a week
see if it tires itself out
should i
trust stamina?
