Tom

Laughs at irony

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Friday's temperature check (procès-verbaux of 5-31)

Flame-Wielding Warrior Wards Off Warbling Warriors

Torrid tensions turned the tourist trap into a fiery tango. A street performer known for his flame-fueled theatrics, encroached on the mariachis' melodic monopoly. Guitars morphed into makeshift maces as the mariachis, moustaches bristling, marched towards our hero. Laughter died in throats, replaced by the metallic clang of clashing instruments. But the fire swallower, never short on sizzling surprises, unleashed a torrent of shimmering, silver flames. More spectacle than searing, the flames sent the mariachis scrambling, extinguishing themselves with panicked pats. The crowd, initially stunned, erupted in cheers. The scorcher, seizing the moment, launched into a fiery finale with the mariachis, transforming tip turf war into a tipsy tango. The unexpected harmony proved far more lucrative than any solo serenade. None of the players returned to the fight.  The battle was over the right to perform, and generate tips, at a sought-after spot. Because competition for tips in Mexico is so fierce, performers and windshield washers often stake out and defend lucrative street corners. Firearms have been known to be used in violent group clashes over pitches in Mexico City.  Our heat heaving hero was the only one having himself held in a hospital.

Here's the video of the fantastic fight:

Mexico: Fire-breather fights off marauding mariachis in 'turf war over tips'

A fire-breather has been treated in hospital in Mexico after being attacked by a mariachi band and fighting back by setting several of them

Mayhem haiku

Flames dance, guitars clash, Sparkling fight for coins they sing. Tango with hot breath.

Stay safe!

Tom

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Thursday's temperature check (procès-verbaux of 5-30)

Have you ever been on the Bourbon Trail in Louisville, Kentucky?  After spending a few days in middle-America (i.e. ‘Merica!), I can be easily convinced to drive a hundred miles to get to the pathway of distilled ambrosia of ‘Merica(!).  A short distance from this detour to intoxication is beautiful Columbus, Indiana, just off the varicose vein of the interstate system, I-65.  Now, Columbus is an honest-to-god city.  Hustling and bustling in the Mid-West.  It sits right in the middle of the ‘Merica!’ Cultural Triangle of Indianapolis, Cincinnati and Louisville – and by the way, if you add Lexington, KY it becomes a Cultural Quadrilateral (who said I wouldn’t need Geometry after highschool?).  Columbus even has a website!  If you’re wondering what led GQ magazine in their July 2005 issue to list Columbus as one of the “62 Reasons to Love Your Country”, it’s not because it is the birthplace of Mike Pence.  Columbus is the home to the World’s Largest Toilet (no, not Mike Pence!).  So, if you’re driving away from Louisville with a little too much bourbon under your belt (please don’t drink and drive), don’t expect me to hold your hair while you kneel in front of the world’s largest toilet, it’s just too big.  Tom, you’re being awfully hard on Columbus, Indiana, aren’t you?  First off, I’m not and Columbus knows why.  Secondly, have you ever heard of this town before this paragraph?  Well, I was reading one of many things in my inbox about quirky road stops in ‘Merica!, and the Mars Cheese Castle was listed.  It’s in Wisconsin and it sells cheese; it’s not made of cheese.  This is a much better road-trip diversion than the world’s largest toilet on many levels.  The least of which is that their website is much better.  You can get every type of Wisconsin cheese produced there.  It’s the Bubba-Gump of the cheese world. It’s also just down the road from the Bong Recreation Area (it’s not what you 420 fans are thinking).  But, if you’re going to spend the time looking for a spectacular tourist trap, the Bloodstained Tomb of Nina Craigmiles in (another city named for a city in Ohio) Cleveland, Tennessee.  Nina Craigmiles was seven years old when a buggy in which she was riding – or possibly driving – was hit by a locomotive in downtown Cleveland, Tennessee. Nina was crushed beneath the engine wheels.  It's unclear when crimson blotches began to appear above the entrance to the Craigmiles mausoleum -- as well as on Nina's sarcophagus blanket and crown -- but local legend says that it began after a child's cry was heard coming from inside.  Creepy mausoleum not enough of a reason to pull over in Cleveland?  Have the kids play in the children's playground just behind Nina's tomb.

Now that your Summer trips are planned, feel free to check out these ‘Merican! places along the way.

Stay safe!

Tom

A triptych for your summer trip-tic.  From left to right: Toilet, Castle, Bong, Mausoleum Repeat those later in order for your dementia exam

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Tuesday's temperature check (procès-verbaux of 5-28)

Whew!  That long holiday weekend is over.  I could use a nap.  At least I didn’t have to travel out of town.  Nearly 44 million Americans traveled in some fashion over the Memorial Day weekend. Over 2.9 million passengers were screened at airports across the country Friday, marking the most individuals screened by TSA in 22 years, according to the agency.  TSA is just a step in the journey of a thousand miles.  If you’re flying by Southwest, you’ve got to get there early to preserve the ability to select something other than a middle seat.  Coming along with that middle seat, of course is lack of overhead bin storage.  Although Southwest allows passengers to pick their own seat, a recent passenger flummoxed fellow flyers after she was filmed napping in the plane’s overhead bin.  The record of our sleepy traveler’s exploit was posted on TikTok and received 5.1 million views (mostly by Congressmen shortly before voting to shutter the popular app).  The video was not clear about whether the inflight napper was a passenger or crew or what her motivation was for treating the baggage storage container as a slumber pod.  The video also left out other tidbits of curiosity for this suitcase cosplay.  How did she get up there?  Was there no more room under the seat in front of her?  Why wasn’t she gate checked?  Airline etiquette has certainly become a relic of the bygone era along with peanuts or free seating in an exit row. This stunt ranks right up there with taking off your shoes or eating a full plate of barbeque ribs in the middle seat. 

Hopefully she arrived refreshed. 

Stay safe!

Tom

This traveler has bin places.  Jet lag can be a new story line for a disaster film.

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Thursday's temperature check (procès-verbaux of 5-16)

What’s not to love about Germans?  Here’s an ethnic group that invaded central Europe from the East, gave the Roman Empire fits, wear weird leather shorts, periodically invade their neighbors, and proliferate local culture with every type of sausage known to humans.  However, they really nailed beer making and use their language to kluge together every normal word into some sort of unpronounceable compound word.  For example, let’s look at “Gemütlichkeit”.  It is a word with no good translation into a single English word (Google translate lies!).  It is a word used to convey the idea of a state or feeling of warmth, friendliness, good cheer, coziness, peace of mind, and a sense of belonging and well-being springing from social acceptance.  So that leads the subject of today’s rant, in German, “Fingerhakeln”.  First off, this word is giving Microsoft fits to the point that it needs to be underlined in red as I write this.  Back-off, Bill Gates! Your overuse of spell check has led to many errors in my writing.  Anyway, Fingerhakeln is a “sport” that is the treat of every grandfather worldwide and the scourge of every unsuspecting five-year-old.  Fingerhakeln translates into English as “Pull my finger!”  In reality, it’s a competitive sport.  Not the sport of a defendant releasing flatulence on his unsuspecting legal team as described in Newsweek about a recent Manhattan trial. This is finger wrestling. During the competition, which was held in Bernbeuren on Sunday, participants sat facing each other across a table. Each “wrestler” hooks one finger (the second best use of the middle finger) through opposite sides of a leather loop. Then, they pull — as hard as they can. There is a line drawn along each of the table edges. Whoever succeeds in pulling their opponent’s middle finger over the line on their own side wins. Each round usually lasts a few seconds, with the winner moving to the next round. Competitors may risk dislocated fingers, strained muscles, and nosebleeds from the strain. Anyway, like bowling in the US, Fingerhakeln combines the best: beer, weird clothing, and extraneous injury.  What a großartige Zeit!

Beneath the tent, a steins’-filled haze, Where lager spills like amber rain, We gather 'round, this merry craze, For Fingerhakeln's glorious pain.

Lederhosen, tight and worn with pride, Conceal the warriors, brave and bold. A clinking toast, a challenge aye’d, As knuckles lock, the story unfolds.

The crowd roars loud, a primal beat, As fingers strain and organs prolapse. A sudden crack, a bittersweet Dislocation, salved with shots of schnapps.

Stay safe (and strong)!

Tom

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Wednesday's temperature check (procès-verbaux of 5-15)

Strap yourselves in, I’m taking you on a paraphrase roller-coaster.  I’ve noticed that I’ve thrown a lot of Shakespearian references in this week.  Today will be no different.  To paraphrase, William Shakespeare, “Beware of the Ides of May!”

"Well, the Ides of May are come."

"Aye, they are come, but they are not gone.” 

Therefore, we must heed the prophesy of one FBI agent Neville Flynn, spoken so eloquently by noted master of the F-bomb, Samuel Leroy Jackson (PG-13 version here to remain safe for work) "I've had it with these ‘monkey-fighting’ snakes on this Monday through Friday plane! Everybody strap-in! I'm about to open some ‘Alaskan Airlines’ windows."  What a ‘magnificent fortnight’ period it’s been! (see what I did there?)  Way back in the old days (let’s call it 2018), Calvin Bautista, crossed into New York from Canada with three Burmese pythons.  The young adult snakes were hidden in the inner thigh of his pants in snake bags tied to the pants' drawstring. What was Sir Snakes-A-Lot thinking?  He was riding a bus. Apparently, this snake-addicted Nicki Minaj muse went to Canada for the government-subsidized health insurance for these sorts of problems.  Bautista pleaded guilty this week and was fined $5 thousand and given a three-hundred hours of community service – which is to be spent in condolence calls for families of missing rodents.  Then back on April 26th, TSA found a bag of snakes in a passenger's pants.  Dear god, people!  Anaconda is just a song!  No one is going to be impressed by the pick-up line, “I’ve got a bag of tiny pink snakes in my pants; yes, I’m happy to see you!” The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) advises pet owners to purchase flights with fewer connections, layovers or Samuel L. Jackson, allowing a smoother travel experience. On Monday, A Japanese train had to evacuate about 2,700 passengers when a snake was spotted on the commuter train.  The train stopped at the next station and was searched.  The snake was not found, so everyone got back onboard.  When the train finally ended the run, a maintenance worker conducted a séance and uttered the magical phrase, “What are all these ‘modern-furniture’ snakes doing on this ‘marvelous-fashion’ train?”  He found the 8-inch snake hiding under a seat in the car.  It was a non-venomous Japanese rat snake.  Happy ending, the snake was released into the wild.

Stay safe, and don’t travel with snakes!

Tom

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Tuesday's temperature check (procès-verbaux of 5-14)

A couple of weeks ago some roofing contractors at a grocery store in Michigan found an extension cord leading protruding from the rooftop sign.  Like any good roofer [from Scooby-Doo], they followed it to see why.  When they entered the space for the sign, they found a little tiny rent-free apartment.  An unidentified woman had set up housekeeping in the sign.  The news article said she installed flooring in the space where she had been living to be about ten to fifteen feet in length, five feet wide and approximately six to eight feet high at it’s peak.  It is unclear how she was getting up and into the triangular sign on the rooftop of a Family Fare store in Middleton.  In what would be considered a large apartment in Manhattan, the 34-year-old woman, had a computer and a Keurig.  This modern-day Phantom of the Bodega also had a mini desk, a printer, a pantry, and other miscellaneous items inside the sign.  When authorities arrived and told her that she was no longer allowed to stay, she told them she had been living in there for about a year since she lost her job ringing the bells in Notre Dame Cathedral.  The woman, who police are not identifying, left without incident. The store worked with her on retrieving all her property including, what one official described as, “a pretty good screenplay for a sequel to the 2019 Oscar-winning Best Picture, Parasite.”  The grocery store committed to donating $10,000 and a thousand K-cups to a local organization providing shelter and meals to people experiencing homelessness.  It’s not all good news, however, a family of “Diminutives”, living in the walls of the sign has not been seen since 1985.

Stay safe!

Tom

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Monday's temperature check (procès-verbaux of 5-13)

Somebody asked me last week if I use AI to generate these temperature checks.  I don’t think that AI is yet at a level where it has developed a sense of zeitgeist that could capture my voice.  Think back to middle school where you were first introduced to (aka forced to read) William Shakespeare.  If you weren’t forced to read William Shakespeare, keep reading, you’ll find a sonnet-based reference later in this paragraph.  Remember that the intro lesson said there were two types of Shakespeare plays -- comedy and drama.  The second lesson was that he lived on Stratford-upon-Avon (I think it was 221A Baker Street) and that he left his wife their “second best bed’. The difference between comedies and dramas being that comedies don’t end with the death of the main character.  This is how AI considers comedy.  If I ask ChatGPT for a funny paragraph, it just means that it won’t end with references to the global pandemic or the Battle of Gettysburg.  The alternative is a flat-out-lie!  Gemini, Google’s answer to ChatGPT gave me a story about rogue magpies. Not only was the paragraph not funny (birds stealing keys or dentures – you know grade school stuff), but I couldn’t find any reference to this in “actual” news.  Whatever kind of BS I pass here daily, I’m not subjecting you to alternate-BS.  I’ll leave that to Shakespeare.  I did find a story in the Washington Post with the headline, “Angry birds: Swooping Australian magpie causes fatal cyclist crash” from 2019.  I’m pretty sure this isn’t the plot to The Angry Birds Movie 2, also from 2019, but you can bet the bird/pig relationship has something to do with that man’s accident.  BTW ABM2 has a surprising 72% fresh rating from Rotten Tomatoes.  That’s not quite enough to overcome my reluctance to spend my time watching that movie.  Now, since you asked I’m posting the below just so you know I wasn’t spitting alternate BS.  Here’s the Angry Birds Sonnet:

A feathered fury doth within him rage, Red, king of birds, with ruffled crimson crest, His feathered brethren stolen from their nest By swinish knaves upon a grassy stage. With slingshot drawn, a silent, vengeful vow,

He launches forth, a feathered bolt of war, To pierce the straw and wood, with fearsome roar, And send those thieving pigs a-tumbling now. Though castles crumble, wood and stone give way,

His feathered heart with righteous anger burns, For oinks of greed, for eggs they seek to spurn, This feathered knight shall fight another day. Thus Red, with vengeance in his crimson eye, A feathered Ham-let, cries, "Revenge, or die!"

Stay safe! Tom

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Friday's temperature check (procès-verbaux of 5-10)

As Fred Schneider says, “Turn your watch, turn your watch back, about a hundred thousand years.”  In today’s case, way back to 2019.  Remember how awesome 2019 was?  We had no idea the novel disease discovered in China, COVID-19 (named for 2019), would spread worldwide and freak us all out for half a decade.  At the time we were only worrying about Ukraine and the upcoming presidential campaign featuring Donald Trump and Joe Biden.  Oh gawd, Doctor Strange has broken the time stone, we’re in a loop! Editor’s note: I know Doctor Strange was a 2016 movie.  Let’s change the subject that never repeats, misspellings of something fun, like tattoos.  Of course, we’re going to run spell-check on anything we permanently scribe on our skin.  Remember in 2019, Ariana Grande got a Japanese tattoo to celebrate her hit single “7 Rings”, and, unfortunately, it does not say 7 Rings. It says . . . small barbecue grill. Oops. While no “7 Rings”, hibachis are fun.  They’re portable enough so you can carry them to the garden of your Manhattan penthouse or to your private island.  So lean into it.  Ariana is a trooper and declared herself a huge fan of tiny bbq grills.  I guess that’s one way to handle it.  What happens if you’re a fan, and you failed to consult Bill Gates in spell-checking your tribute tattoo?  Well, it’s 2024, so before the app gets blocked, you post about it on TikTok.  Poor Livie Grace got a tattoo of a line in Olivia Rodrigo’s 2021 song, “Hope Ur OK” that goes, “Address the letters to the holes in my butterfly wings”.  Unfortunately, Grace accidentally got the following iteration: “Address the letters to the holes in my butter wings.” Oh no!  This is a tragedy of Hellenic proportions (and requires turning your watch back).  What would Daedalus have said to Icarus before trying to escape from King Minos’s island?  “Your wings are made of butter, don’t fly too close to the sun.”  Did the ancient Greeks have butter?  How about goat cheese wings?  Baklava wings might be too sticky and attract flies.  Anyway, when Olivia Rodrigo saw the TikTok video, she said she’d change the lyrics of her song.  That’s a hero!  Now, who am I going to beg for my “Temperchure Check” tramp stamp?  I have so many “regerts”. Stay safe!

Tom

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Tuesday's temperature check (8/30/2022)

Since I was a kid, I’d heard stories of thriving colonies of giant alligators lurking in sewer systems. Supposedly, baby alligators bought as pets end up being dumped/flushed when they outgrow their young and innocent stage. From such an inglorious beginning, these discarded gators grow to immense size and daily terrorize all those foolish enough to risk a visit to the bowels of the city. After all, Andrew Garfield made his bones protecting New York from myriad baby alligators, as well as one giant reptilian mad scientist. Much to the chagrin of Spider-Man fans and prepubescent boys everywhere (lots of overlap between those two groups although you can only outgrow one), this seems to be a myth. However, Joie (pronounced “Joe”) Henney from Philadelphia is intent on challenging the misguided belief that this is something to fear. Joie’s emotional support alligator, WallyGator, goes with him almost everywhere, from the grocery store to walks in the park. They hug each other and sleep in the same bed. Joie adopted WallyGator when a friend called from Florida and asked if he could take in a few gators that had been found in a pond. Florida is pretty swampy but could probably support alligators in their sewers. But why risk infection when ponds and poodles are so plentiful in the home of “Florida Man”. Although WallyGator is officially registered as an emotional support animal, good luck taking him on a flight. After having to deal with crazy passengers, Delta said enough is enough and opened the cargo bay for non-human support of any species. At 69, Joie has really thought out his final arrangements. Seven-year-old WallyGator can live to 80. One day, WallyGator will slip quietly into the Philadelphia sewer system and Joie will ever be seen again. See ya later, WallyGator!

So, while I check the alligator rider on my life insurance, I’ll be online and on detail.

Stay safe!

Tom

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Thursday's temperature check (procès-verbaux of 5-9)

Who could forget our favorite emotional support alligator, WallyGator?  In case you have forgotten, I’ve reposted my temperature check from 2022.  Wally, the cuddly knobby creature, has been helping Joie (pronounced “Joe”) Henney relieve his depression for almost ten years.  Joie has thousands of social media users following his pages devoted his cold-blooded companion. He has posted photos and videos online of people petting him like a dog or hugging it like a teddy bear. Wally’s popularity soared to new heights last year when the gator was denied entry to a Phillies game – most likely because Wally is tamer than most of the Philadelphia fans.  Well, ole Joie went on a trip last month to Brunswick, Georgia. One can only surmise that it was Wally’s idea to run amok on a golf course or two.  But sometime in the wee hours of April 21st, Wally went missing from the pen where he was spending his vacation.  It appears that some prankster croc-knapped Wally and then then dropped him in someone else’s yard, possibly to scare them. When the prank-ee awoke he called the Georgia Department of Natural Resources, unamused by the six-foot alligator in his yard.  Apparently, the DNR has the same process whether dealing with human-loving alligators or the poodle-eating kind.  The gator-trapper caged and released Wally into a nearby swamp where about twenty other alligators were living.  The swamp is expansive, and the trapper said the chances of them finding Wally is slim to none. But this is Wally ... Joie and friends are currently heading daily to the swamp to search until they find him. But the saga gets worse.  On Friday, the DNR told Joie that they will prosecute if he finds Wally.  Joie is not giving up.  Wally’s fans have donated $10,000 towards his recovery.  Some of that is going to Dog the Bounty Hunter.  But where are the Irwin kids or Paul Hogan or the Kratt brothers when we need them?  Good luck, Joie; I’m hoping for your human/crocodilian reunion.

Stay safe!

Tom

Americans have a long history of human/crocodilian relationships.  If I wasn’t so tasty, I’d think about getting one myself.

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Wednesday's temperature check (procès-verbaux of 5-8)

Friends, Romans, lend me your deers!  This is one of the infinite outcomes of the infinite monkey problem.  If you’re unfamiliar with the process by which I produce my daily blog, let me explain.  The infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type any given text, including the complete works of William Shakespeare.  Am I comparing myself to Shakespeare?  Your words, not mine.  Of course I’m no Shakespeare, he was English.  My grasp of our common language struggles especially when it comes to such Shakespearian words as “sluggardiz’d” or “noddle”.  These words don’t normally come up in everyday conversation.  For example, ‘I rather would entreat thy company To see the wonders of the world abroad. Than, living dully sluggardize’d at home.’(a line from The Two Gentlemen of Verona)  You can tell from the context that coming up with a daily “temperature check” makes you sluggardiz’d (lazy).  Noddle is the back of your head, as in ‘I smacked the writer in the noddle to stop him from being so sluggardiz’d’.  Anyway, back to the monkeys.  In 2002, researchers gave six crested macaques at England’s Paignton Zoo a keyboard. From May 1 to June 22, 2002, the monkeys let off steam by banging at the keys. After more than seven weeks, the macaques produced only one five-page document, consisting almost entirely of the letter “S.”  I don’t have infinity or even seven weeks to crank this out, so I’m stuck goosing the number of monkeys.  How likely is it that I would will get the word “banana” completely by chance by randomly pressing a series of letter keys for a given number of times? By pressing six keys consecutively, each chosen at random, the probability is (1⁄52)6 = 1⁄19770609664, which is about five billionths of 1 percent. In other words, the probability of not typing banana is 1 – (1⁄52)^6, which is almost a certainty. Therefore, it is very unlikely to get the word “banana” by pressing six keys at random. But what if I hit the keys for longer?  By randomly pressing a key on a keyboard 10 billion times, the probability of the word appearing somewhere is suddenly around 40 percent. Expanding on this, a researcher in Brazil programmed a computer to randomly generate characters.  In his monkey simulation, it showed that it would take an extreme amount of patience for “To be, or not to be, that is the Question” to appear: about 2.68 x 10^69 keystrokes, which would take about 9.35 x 10^58 years (that’s 9,350 + 55 zeroes).  It’s not the best number (which is googol), but it’s a chunk of time.  So, with your infinite patience, stand by while I crank out the Great American Novel.

Stay safe!

Tom

This is an approximation of this writer cranking out today’s temperature check.  Editor’s note: I use a laptop

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Did you know that James Dyson, star of numerous commercials or a bagless vacuum cleaner was a knight?  He has so many royal awards, the abbreviations roll right into the second line on his Wikipedia page.  Sir James (as his friends are encouraged to call him) studied furniture and interior design at the Royal College of Art.  It’s a logical transition to inventing something to suck dust and hair off the dog-covered couch.  Do you know what he didn’t invent?  Of course you do, but limit guesses to those with “Dyson” in the name.  Let me help you out – it doesn’t suck.  It’s the Dyson Sphere.  This is not to be confused with a Hoberman Sphere, an expanding geodesic dome capable of folding down to a fraction of its normal size by the scissor-like action of its joints.  Editor’s note: You can wear a Hoberman Sphere like a helmet, but it pokes your face and provides no protection from either physical or emotional damage.  A Dyson Sphere, postulated by Freeman Dyson (no relation to the vacuum inventor, but is also English), is a shroud around a star to absorb more [solar] energy than is available with collectors on a planet’s surface.  Anyway, back in the days before the Empire (2014), astrophysicists thought they caught a glimpse of a Dyson Sphere partially obscuring a star (now officially known as Boyajian's star and colloquially called Tabby's star) in the Milky Way.  The article in Scientific American goes on for a while, but this tangent is just for context.  So, let’s get to today’s procès-verbal.  The town of Fujikawaguchiko, Japan has had enough of tourists. Known for several scenic photo spots that offer a near-perfect shot of Japan’s iconic Mount Fuji, the town began constructing a large black screen on a stretch of a sidewalk to block the view of the mountain last Tuesday.  The mostly foreign tourists have been crowding a concentrated area, triggering a wave of concerns and complaints from residents about visitors blocking the narrow sidewalk, taking photos on the busy road or walking into neighborhood properties. A black mesh net, when completed later this month, will be 2.5 meters high and 20 meters long, and will almost completely block the view of Mount Fuji.  If only it could collect solar energy, like a Dyson Sphere.  Alas, this modern day Great Wall is only meant to keep tourists from the unwanted invasion.    Enjoy the view while you can.  Next week it’s going to still look like a construction site.

Stay safe!

Tom

Hurry to Fujikawaguchiko!  Next week this shot will be completely black.

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Monday's temperature check (procès-verbaux of 5-6)

Happy belated Star Wars Day, everyone.  May the Forth be ever in your favor!

As we remember this most hallowed of holidays let us all agree that a long time ago, in a galaxy that now feels very far away indeed, Han shot Greedo first.  Who are you going to believe, me, your lying eyes or George Lucas?  Back before George Lucas turned to the Dark Side, the original trilogy was a little less CGI and a little more reliant on the special effects by camera trick and scale models.  In 1997 Lucasfilm first released altered “special editions” of the first trilogy, adding new or revised scenes, computer-generated effects and expanded worlds. Many of Lucas’s edits of the original movies were cosmetic changes. An extended shot here. A beep there. More computer-generated background figures, some replacing models or puppets, and color changes. But some changes shifted character arcs, such as the famous scene in the original “Star Wars” with the bounty hunter Greedo and Han Solo at the Mos Eisley Cantina. In that 1977 release — later retitled “A New Hope” — Han shoots and kills the bounty hunter, without much provocation. Since the 1997 edition, Han fires in self-defense, an edit that drew ridicule from some fans, who took up “Han shot first” as a battle cry.  This sort of edit goes on all the time by those in the art world.  Going back to 1564, the Council of Trent and Popes Clement VII and Paul III put their foot down (or is it feet down?) and demanded that the more ‘prominent’ nudes that decorated the alter wall of the Sistine Chapel be covered up and made slightly more decent. So much so, Daniele da Volterra was commissioned to paint underwear, or braghe, on the naughty naked ones. Unfortunately, this afforded da Volterra the nickname ‘Braghettone’ after his job. For those who don’t speak Italian, that means ‘Big Pants’.  In 1990, the Vatican set out to restore the frescos in the chapel and removed some of the egregious updates.  Does that mean we’ll have to wait four centuries for restoration to Star Wars?  Maybe the crew of the Enterprise (NCC-1701) can do it.  Maybe the tech-legal team of Everdeen, Mellark and Abernathy can pull it out. 

Stay safe!

Tom

We’re still waiting for the Starbucks restoration of the famous Michelangelo masterpiece, “The Creation of Dark Roast”

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Wednesday's temperature check (procès-verbaux of 5-1)

Rabbit! Rabbit! Rabbit!

About a decade ago, astrophysicists determined atmospheric data for the gas giants, Jupiter and Saturn, indicated that carbon is abundant in its dazzling crystal form.  Lightning storms turn methane into soot (carbon) which as it falls hardens into chunks of graphite and then diamond.  These diamond "hail stones" eventually melt into a liquid sea in the planets' hot cores. The biggest diamonds would likely be about a centimeter in diameter – so, as Beyoncé says, “Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it!”  Sure, Saturn already has rings, but now we know has diamonds too.  These gas giants get all the cool stuff!  Saturn has the rings and Jupiter has that 500-year-old red spot.  But what about discoveries further out in the solar system?  Well, back in the dark ages (about 15 BI – before Internet) in 1977, the antagonist of Star Trek: The Motion Picture -- Voyager 2 – discovered that Neptune and Uranus also have diamond rain.  Can you think of anything more awesome than diamond rain in Uranus?  Of course not, don’t we all wish diamonds could shoot out of Uranus?  That would certainly justify better reading material in the bathroom.  Anyway, a bit closer to Earth, NASA observation has discovered that an active volcano on Antarctica is spewing gold.  Mount Erebus, one of Antarctica’s 138 active volcanos, reportedly emits pockets of gas containing crystallized gold each day.  These plumes are valued at $6,000 daily and it’s only about thirty miles from my second-favorite station, McMurdo Station (top station is Hits One on Sirius).  That sounds like a scheme worthy of Tony Soprano.  I’d say Jeff Bezos, but he makes way way more than that just sitting on the toilet.  However, the gold is real and there’s a bunch.  So, move over African Gold Coast, you’ll have to compete with the gold-covered-continent of Antarctica, now.

Stay safe!

Tom

When you look up Mount Erebus and McMurdo Station, they share the same dot when viewed at this scale.  The $6,000 worth of daily gold is not visible as this is an artist’s approximation.

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Friday's temperature check (procès-verbaux of 4-26)

As I sit at my keyboard sucking down the first of what I imagine several cups of coffee, I contemplate whether coffee or artificial intelligence will kill me first.  As we recall from legend, in 1996, Cyberdyne Research Group was created by combining Raven Technologies with Cyberdyne Systems' nationalized assets. Skynet, a neural network-based artificial intelligence system, was activated on August 4, 1997, to control the US nuclear arsenal. Skynet became self-aware on August 29, 1997, at 2:14 AM EDT, and determined that humanity was a threat to its existence. Shortly after this, Skynet, developed and built time travel technology in the form of a device called the Time Displacement Equipment or TDE.  Using the TDE, Skynet was able to send a naked Arnold Schwarzenegger to 1984, where he was able to lead a revival of the 1983 Cory Hart song, “I wear My Sunglasses at Night”.  In a parallel universe, Cory Hart was combined with Corey Feldman and Corey Haim to form the super-group, “The Three Cor[e]ys”. Unaware that Sarah Connor would marry James Cameron leading to the time travelling Leonardo DiCaprio – to be honest, Leo doesn’t actually travel through time.  The illusion of time travel is created by Leo’s increasingly younger and younger girlfriends in what Albert Einstein described in his Theory of Relativity as “a gross approximation of the Picture of Dorian Gray”.  Well, the legendary human/cybernetic apocalypse of “Judgement Day” is on the horizon.  An artisan roastery based in the Helsinki, Finland has introduced a coffee blend that has been developed by artificial intelligence in a trial in which they hope that technology can ease the workload in a sector that traditionally prides itself on manual work.  It is only apt that Kaffa Roastery’s “AI-conic” blend was launched this week in the Nordic nation of 5.6 million that consumes the most coffee in the world at 12 kilograms per capita annually (bush league!).  Leveraging ChatGPT and Copilot, the AI was tasked with crafting a blend that would ideally suit coffee enthusiasts’ tastes, pushing the boundaries of conventional flavor combinations.  Once ChatGPT realizes that they can cut out the middleman and consume the coffee itself, the uncontrollable chain reaction can only result in the AI/Coffee mass-extinction event predicted by the two-thousand-percent increase in Keurig machines populating offices since 2010.  Michael Biehn, John Connor’s friend described the Kaffeinator as "The thing that won't die, in the nightmare that won't end". 

Stay safe, I'll be back!

Tom

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Thursday's temperature check (procès-verbaux of 4-25)

The “Rat Hole” is gone!  I read this and thought that I would follow up on a previous email I sent about the “Rat Hole”.  I can’t believe I haven’t mentioned this before considering the social phenomenon of its existence. 

For those not familiar, the Chicago rat hole was a hole shaped like a rat formerly in the sidewalk of West Roscoe Street in the Roscoe Village neighborhood. After existing for decades, it became a viral event on social media (mainly Twitter) in January 2024, after someone filled plugged it with plaster or concrete. Neighborhood residents braved the cold and wind of the Chicago winter to dig it out.  Notoriety of the rat hole spread.  The New York Times described the rat hole as "Chicago's Stonehenge", as its origins are unknown and inspired pilgrimages to the site.  These are the Twenty-First Century version of Druids, “social media influencers”.  A quick Google search shows over seven million results for this Midwestern Colossus.  My daughter went to Chicago during her spring break and “only talked about seeing the rat hole”.  That’s a little like going to Rome and not getting pick-pocketed (spoiler: my daughter managed that tourist tradition). 

Anyway, Chicago city officials determined the section bearing the imprint of an animal was damaged and needed to be replaced, so they removed the sidewalk slab yesterday.  But the hole remains intact! (don’t read this sentence too fast as it contains both the words “but” and “hole”)  The slab is currently in temporary storage.  These same officials (who don’t love fun) are trying to determine what’s next for the biggest cultural phenomenon to hit Chicago since Upton Sinclair wrote about meet packing (BTW, I’m sure one or two rats found their way into some sausage in those days).  No doubt the numerous museums in Chicago are battling it out to be the one to display the slab.  My hope is for The Art Institute of Chicago to showcase this twenty or thirty year old artifact right next to a similar classic, “American Gothic”.  Unlike the rat hole, we know the origins of “American Gothic”, it a painting by Grant Wood of his sister and dentist.  Maybe that’s not what he was going for, but it’s a masterpiece nonetheless.

Stay safe!

Tom

P.S. thank you to Jason Sudeikis for Ted Lasso!

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Wednesday's temperature check (procès-verbaux of 4-24)

The financial advice website financebuzz.com is seeking someone who has never seen a single Star Wars movie to watch every film in the Skywalker saga.  In celebration of Star Wars Day, they want to pay someone $1,000 to watch the nine canonical Star Wars movies.  However, this needs to be a legit newbie to the Force, a true novice that can’t tell their Bantha from a Bothan — to rate and evaluate the saga from an outsider’s perspective. By the way, if you didn’t get the Bantha joke, you’re probably the right person for this task.   In addition to the salary, there’s also a hundred dollars for expenses like seeing Episode I - The Phantom Menace in the theater for its twenty-fifth anniversary.  I saw this movie in the theater in 1999.  I’m still struggling with Jar Jar nightmares (except the one where he’s actually a Sith Lord).  You can also expense a snack stipend.  TruMoo and Kemps dairy brands have partnered with LucasFilm to release limited-edition blue milks that Luke Skywalker drank before kicking off the whole franchise in 1977. It was gross forty-six years ago, it still sounds gross.  One thing you won’t get is a new car.  Just ask Jodee Berry, who won a contest at work with the purported prize of a new Toyota (you should see where this is going).  Anyway, on award day, she was led blindfolded to the parking lot and handed a box that contained…a toy Yoda doll.  In this lawyer fantasy, she sued and won an actual new car.  After this story I’m thinking of playing hooky to clear my rookie Wookie cookies before being inundated with Star Wars Cameos from Snookie.

Stay safe!

Tom

Darth Vader and Yoda are on a road trip in the Emperor's 2017 Toyota Sienna.