i'm in school and have a practicum and things are BUSY but i'm still crying about characters and it's been a birkhoff month so
i think his favorite feature about himself is probably his facial hair. it just feels Right and he wouldn't feel like himself without it. when he's first beginning hormone therapy he cries when he starts growing facial hair and it's just this moment of gender euphoria for him. it makes him feel comfortable in himself and increases his confidence x10000 and if you know birkhoff there are aren't a lot of things he puts a lot of effort into maintaining (his vision is absolutely terrible and he's needed new glasses since FOREVER, he could use some dental work, his diet consists primarily of energy drinks and sugar, he's probably slightly anemic), but HE TAKES GOOD CARE OF THAT HAIR.
he has crushes on all of his friends in varying intensities at mostly varying times not always. he kinda wants to kiss all of them. he doesn't think this makes his feelings for people less significant or meaningful though he's very serious about how much he wants to make out with everyone
he has different kisses for everyone and that sounds weird. i know. but he can show you and it's not not true. he's a really good kisser according to the people he has kissed and it's not unrelated to how much thought and intention he puts into his kissing. you don't necessarily expect it because he's like That Nerdy Guy but he'll rock your world
that being said when he really really FALLS for you he FALLS for you and it's life changing
he has top surgery sometimes in his twenties (??) i want to say and he'd like to have bottom surgery but it's complicated for a lot of practical reasons given His Life as an ex division argent. there are just a lot of factors there holding him back but he'd want that someday.
i think hes really big on death of the author. i think reading and engaging in media was really important to him, especially as a kid growing up "different" and alone and lacking support and resources and he's not willing to give up stuff that gave him comfort and hope because an author is horrible. he might kill them , but, (okay, probably not, he's not really a Killer, though he has killed, a few people - it was really traumatic though so it probably wouldn't happen. his bestie nikita might kill them tho), he's not gonna let something that got him through be tainted (though he wouldn't participate anything that's gonna fund that author either. but that wasnt really an issue he owns the internet he can read anything he wants he wasn't really paying anyway wfkjwf)
has bunny slippers and loves them dearly
pretty much always cold. wears a lot of layers because of this. he's generally more comfortable in layers anyway - given his top surgery there is some vulnerability attached with being shirtless (especially in the time period the show airs in but currently too), and he generally always has a shirt on, but not necessarily for insecurity so much as there are situations where he doesn't feel safe to do that OR he just doesn't want to deal with people, and has mentioned before, he just likes layers.
he's very aware of the vulnerability in having that conversation with people and also just the emotional exhaustion that can accompany it, and the privilege he has as someone who typically doesn't have his gender questioned, so sometimes he's just like nah i'm good not subjecting myself to this or i don't feel like it today. he's also aware that there's the potential for it to be dangerous for him even if he doesn't anticipate it. but generally speaking, he's not necessarily self conscious. he has bad days and struggles with dysphoria at times, but for the most part is comfortable in himself, and most of his insecurities aren't specifically trans related. he has a lot of doubts about himself and his worth to people and regrets about harm he's caused in the past, and that's more likely to manifest in discomfort in himself regarding anything to do with his gender or presentation of it.
he has a lot of pride in having overcome the things that he has, which can sometimes really make him look like a dick. for example, he's really proud of all this money he's managed to acquire as a hacker and it like. very much comes off as this shallow selfish vain love of money and luxury and like DOES HE GET A POOL EVEN THOUGH HE DOESN'T LIKE WATER BECAUSE IT FEELS MORE FANCY AND LUXURIOUS? yeah lmao. it's there he can be a dick. but when he brags about His Money or His house it's generally less about possession and more about... his pride in himself for having been able to acquire those things, and recognition that for a lot of reasons these aren't things he was ever supposed to have by definition of who he is in the perspective of society and his family.
he was never supposed to be happy he was never supposed to have anything he was never supposed to feel secure or have any type of power in his life and so.. he's really proud of himself for getting there!!!!! he's overcome A LOT, when he was all alone and had no resources and nothing except himself. and he doesn't see expressing that as something that's to the detriment of anyone else because it's not about anyone else it's about him and what he's survived and overcome. he's like fuck yeah i stole money from this 1% of the 1% jerkwad and got away with it. he managed to scrape by and survive and THRIVE when he was never supposed to, and he won't feel bad about how he did that. it was him against the world and he made it through and that counts for something. he's a survivor and that means something.
so yeah he brags about being a legend and stealing all this money and it's CRINGY but it really does come from something deeper.
security is something really important to him and something he's very conscious of. he had no security as a kid and having the tools and support to be who he is and take the measures he needed to become who he knew he was and receive the care he needed is something that was never guaranteed to him and he wants that. and with the money, he can give that to himself, and that's IMPORTANT. and he never wanted to want for that again he never wanted to have to desperately scrape for it and he shouldn't have to. and that's a big part of who he is. he's selfish in a lot of ways and he recognizes that, but that isn't something he sees as selfish per se. because he doesn't live in a world that's going to help him, he never has, and that means he has to help himself. and if the world won't give him the tools to do that, he'll take them.
that being said he really is this family guy and he just wants to live in a house with all of his friends forever. yes even this person who steals all his favorite snacks and this person who doesn't pick the wet towel off the floor and this person who Drives Him Crazy with their tapping. he loves them and would take care of them all of his life and it's actually the ideal life for him. and while he can be selfish with love, curl around His People and let the world burn because they're the most important, there's truly a lot of selflessness in how he loves, too.
he can be very cowardly but he's also the definition of do it scared at his core. he's scared, he's so scared - of hurting and dying and losing the people he loves, but he does it anyway. he's tortured and he never wavers even for a second going right back to the life that led him there. he's scared so often about so many different things but he doesn't let that fear stop him (eventually. it takes some time.) which also makes him very, very brave.
there is a lot in him that just wants him and the people he loves to be safe, and would be very content with that. he's not a person who needs to be out there saving the world or slaying dragons, and he doesn't think he really needs to be. there are a lot of people out there like that already and it's enough to try and keep them from flying too close to the sun. but he's also a person who has recognized he's caused a lot of harm in his life (particularly as an instructor at division who was just really A Dick), and he cares a lot about remedying that.
