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@texasstoast
Welcome to my (mostly inactive) blog!
I’m a fanfiction writer over on Ao3 (texastoaster) who is currently very into Star Wars, but I write for other fandoms too!
Currently working on Who The Kriff Made Me A Jedi???
Send me a message if you want to chat about any of my fics, I’m always open to monologue about them, and buy me a kofi if you want!
Un Hutt saltó sobre mi y voló un auto con su rasho láser.
I started this one aaaageees ago, I'm glad to finally finish it anansns
Transcription of the dialogue on alt text!
[tip jar!]
"i used to bring qui-gon here as a boy"
Deadpan humor at its finest. Raise your hand if you think highly competent Commander Cody would win this championship.
Okay, so. Star Wars has all these concepts that weirdo New Left boomer George Lucas tosses in there but because of storyteller limitations it would kill the plot to fully explain them all, so later writers have to come in for the spin-off materials and bat clean-up to fully explain all this crazy crap. And I would like to talk about something that made me actively angry at first, but which I now adore. And that is the Naboo.
So much about Naboo culture is infuriating from a logical standpoint. They have a queen, okay. A constitutionally elected queen? Weird, okay. Don't know why they'd do that but... She's FOURTEEN? Excuse me? Is it a ceremonial thing or, oh no it's not? Legit head of state? Why does she dress like that? Why does she talk like that? I'm so tired.
Here's the explainer. Let me go cook.
There's this joke in Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy where the last living human goes back in time and finds out humans aren't actually from Earth, but an alien culture that tricked all the middle managers, pedantic weirdos, and other infuriating folk into getting in a space arc which they gave the wrong evacuation coordinates to simply get rid of them. The Naboo are like this but they're all artists and poets and hippies, but like classy ones. They fled their home planet during a war and crash landed on Naboo, then did a colonism to the Gungans because, hey, they were fleeing a war and it was do or die. This spiritual rot in their creation story is later rectified by Padmé. But it's super important to their cultural psychology. They're hippies, but will subjugate if needed. They are "peaceful" but I guarantee you every single one of them has a tiny extremely shiny pistol up their sleeve and they will draw down on you if backed against a wall.
The scene that I think says it all is at the end of Phantom Menace when Padmé is surrounded by Nute Gunray and his droids, they've got her dead to rights, but Sabé her double creates a distraction so the queen can make it to her throne. This one piece of furniture is the Naboo in a nutshell. It's richly carved with artistic details, it has two seats to the side so the queen's handmaidens can read the lips of people in the back of the room and use hand signals to communicate with the queen while she can remain focused mostly on who is speaking to her. It is hundreds of years old. And it has a secret compartment in the armrest that is FULL OF GUNS. Layers of artistic opulence hiding their true intentions.
The Naboo were created to be backwards compatible with Princess Leia. They're compassionate pacifists, but they will shot you if needed.
Why do they elect teenage royalty? It's a little creepy. It's giving "age of consent is emotional maturity". It makes no sense.
The explanation they give outsiders is they want youthful idealism untainted by cynicism. What they don't tell you is that they take kids with stated interest in politics and put them in an advanced highly competitive Leadership Academy which is like Model UN mixed with Battle Royale. Well, they don't kill each other but it's intense. It's like what the clones went though just all diplomacy training and tea ceremonies all the time. Which is crazy but so Naboo.
Oh, and all the delegates for the royalty election run using pseudonyms for security. Imagine voting for the head of state but you can't run a background check. It's so crazy.
Why does Padmé dress like that? Well, fashion is one of Naboo's major industries so it's like she's wearing the entire Fall line catalog at once. To advertise not only the talent of her people, but to show how much they favor her. BUT that dress has multiple layers of padding and resin armor. And aforementioned spots for those little silver blasters. And it breaks up her silhouette making her harder to shoot. And it's so elaborate you pay more attention to the crazy dress and not if the person wearing it is really the queen or a decoy. Everything about Naboo is like this.
Queen Amidala has that weird accent while Padmé does not. Because all her handmaidens helped create the accent together so they all can imitate it. It's like if you gave girls at a rowdy sleepover the job of federal counterintelligence. That's what they came up with.
The handmaidens wear colorful identical clothes so you can't tell them apart, hoods to partially conceal their identity, and they don't wear the queen's fancy makeup. So one of them can be the queen and spy on people in the audience. Because the Naboo don't trust shit for shit.
Their public face is so silly to hide all the truly weird shit they do behind the scenes.
They use their reputation as artist hippies to conceal multiple layers of subterfuge and disguise their methods of self defense and assuage their paranoia due to wartime trauma and their disturbing colonial past. All of them are completely off their rocker even by Star Wars standards. And I love them so much. They put on a show so everyone thinks they have them figured out but what they have going on is far more weirder and more sinister than meets the eye. You know how catty, neurotic, and competitive art school students stereotypically are? Yeah, planet art student. Love them!
There you go, @charmwasjess
For the sole fact that Ewan McGregor can sing, I just know that Obi-Wan Kenobi can, and not just a little, bur infuriatingly because it appears effortlessly perfect.
The 212th discovers this completely by accident when they are trapped in some ancient temple ruins and come across the most ridiculous puzzle imaginable: a sealed door that only opens if someone sings every note perfectly.
Naturally, the troopers try first. It goes about as well as you would expect. They are all standing around, arguing over pitch and rhythm, when Obi-Wan takes one brief look at the inscription, tilts his head, and without a hint of hesitation sings.
And it is… stunning. Enough to bring tears to their eyes. The door slides open with a deep, ancient groan.
Obi-Wan, completely unfazed, folds his hands into his sleeves and says, “Ah, here we are. Gentlemen.”
Meanwhile, every single member of the 212th is frozen in place, jaws somewhere on the floor.
Commander Cody, under his helmet, may or may not be having a nosebleed.
After that, the 212th start inventing reasons for their general to sing. Obi-Wan is deeply suspicious but occasionally indulges them.
Eventually, word spreads and the 501st gets involved. Then suddenly in the midst of a war Anakin, Ahsoka, Rex and Cody are trying to come up with increasingly absurd scenarios that “require” Obi-Wan to sing.
happy pride month <3
(commission info // tip jar!)
Unpopular opinion but I think Palpatine would treat the Coruscant Guard so well -
I know we all love the agast it brings to have them mistreated, but it's Palpatine. He's slimy, and cunning. I think he'd spoil them. Make them seem more important than the other Clones. Yeah the majority of the senators and many of the civilians treat them worse than droids, and they don't get to fight alongside their brothers, but all the more reason to keep these guys happy. Especially Fox, who canonically wants to kill things.
Palpatine wouldn't abuse them. He'd treat them like they were his best men... until he didn't need them anymore. That's how the Chancellor works.
Just felt that I needed to add that Fox still hates Palpatine. Did Palpatine do anything specially to Fox for him to earn this hatred? No. It's not even like Fox can just tell he's evil. To Fox, Palpatine is fully genuinely a good person, and Fox just hates it.
Fox: (gets called in to the Chancellor's office for a report)
Palpatine: my dear commander, have a seat.
Fox: no
Palpatine: would you care for some caf?
Fox: ... Fine.
Anytime Palpatine overhears some complaints about living/working situations of the CG he's sure step in and make accommodating changes (most where the jedi can see him). From better food rations to new cooling and heating systems, he takes care of the Corries.
Palpatine: think nothing of it commander. After all you do for us, it is merely my duty to see that you and your men are comfortable.
Fox: sir, we're clones-
Palpatine kindly and within earshot of the jedi: you are men.
This especially makes sense to me the more the Guard become Palpatine’s enforcers. From a purely practical standpoint, it makes sense for the Guard to have all the good toys, the best weaponry and riot control gear, the best food supplies, the best training. Eventually they’re going to be the ones keeping the population in control, so Palpatine has extra incentive to keep them well outfitted and extra loyal. He’s investing in his future Empire enforcement.
i like when mary and armando act silly too
i want to write a fic that is based primarily on canon, but i fear this will happen:
*sentence about Obi-Wan drinking black caf*
someone: “but Obi-Wan prefers tea!! he’s addicted to it!!!”
that’s popular fanon.
*sentence where Obi-Wan is being assertive*
someone: “b-but Obi-Wan can’t take care of himself! he’s my precious little meow meow and needs someone to take care of him!”
he’s a grown-ass man who raised a whole child.
*sentence about Cody being clueless to social cues and self-care*
someone: “but Cody is supposed to be doting and taking care of Obi-Wan! he’s supposed to know more about life and emotions than a thirty-five year old man who raised a child!!”
news flash: Cody is literally ten years old and is physically and mentally twenty. he’s only been raised for war. he has no fucking idea what social cues or self-care are. also. as i said before. Obi-Wan is a grown-ass man who raised a whole child!! HES THRICE CODY’S AGE YOU GUYS NEED TO START REALIZING THAT I FEAR
having some thoughts about the fact that obi-wan is just as violent, intense, dangerous and insane as say,,, anakin, or quinlan, or any other unhinged jedi - but he chooses to not act with aggression first, he tries option a, b, c and d before that, which is why he is the better jedi, and the more threatening jedi. there are so many examples of obi-wan being scary and menacing, the difference is he hides it better.
he chooses restraint in his life, but-----
he cut down maul at 25
he destroyed grievous without flinching and made a snide little remark after, smirking
he left anakin to burn, slowly and painfully in the lava
from wildspace: "Kenobi had made of himself a deliberate target... No fear. No doubt. Instead, a supreme confidence. Curving his lips, the merest hint of a smile... Dazed, Bail shook his head. 'He's enjoying this. He's enjoying this? He really is mad.' Kenobi's lips parted in a fierce grin and he focused his deflections on the weaker machine." smiling mid-battle?! normal behaviour, im sure.
from wildspace again: "No. He'd always needed to be doing something. Making things happen. Seizing the moment by the throat." THROAT!? OBI-WAN there are many other ways that could have been explained.
from wildspace again again: “... I tumbled into a firebeetle pit.” The faintest of wry smiles. He had himself well in hand again. "It must have been … terrible.” “Not at all,” Kenobi said politely. “It was hilarious.” No, you nearly got eaten alive. But he didn’t say it. He wished now he’d kept his mouth shut. No wonder Kenobi had come out of his trance screaming. “Fortunately there was no harm done,” Kenobi continued briskly.”
his ability to completely disconnect, there is some benefit in being able to compartmentalise, but there are many times when he just comes across as completely cold, eg, clone wars gambit: stealth, the constant frustration and dismissal of anakin's slave-history influencing his choices and feelings about situations, and his annoyance at qui-gon for choosing a child with a traumatic history for him to train. there comes a time where compartmentalisation becomes detachment, that is probably the line obi-wan.
the way he can step back to see the bigger picture is a terrifying ability, it takes a strong amount of emotional control and disconnect to be able to dismiss suffering in front of you to analyse a larger scenario.
he is known as the negotiator, because of his ability to manipulate and deceive to obtain the goals he wants, yes he can be diplomatic when he needs to be, or desires to be, but ultimately, he knows how to use his words and his deceptively harmless demeanor to get exactly what he wants.
what about the quote from the empire strikes back: "Yoda: Much anger in him, like his father. Obi-Wan Kenobi: Was I any different when you taught me?" hello?! we know obi-wan was a nightmare as a padawan, do we really think he just 'got better'? no, he got better at hiding it. he chooses restraint every time because the alternative is too terrifying to unleash. he knows what he’s capable of, he’s seen it. qui-gon saw it. qui-gon knew obi-wan was capable of taking on someone as dangerous and powerful as anakin, because he knew obi-wan could be just as powerful and dangerous, and he was right.
he is a flirt, he is a tease, he knows he is gorgeous, he knows he has an allure about him, and he USES IT, he exploits it, it manipulates people with it, he plays and toys with people, not because he is being malicious or salacious, but because he has these gifts, so why not use them when the time calls for it?
in the obi-wan tv, the fact that even after 10 years of disconnecting himself from the force, and no longer practicing with his lightsaber, his raw abilities and power were able to outmatch vader, who had been both practicing his skills and had tapped into the ferocity of the dark side - OP as hell. and that is the point, he IS OP AS HELL, but he exercises a significant amount of restraint and compassion.
he’s the Jedi who can smile while ordering a battalion to hold the line, he’ll bow respectfully to an enemy before slicing them in half. he’ll soothe you with gentle words, only to manipulate your choices in ways you won’t realize until it’s too late. obi-wan is a weapon wearing the mask of a peacekeeper.
he chooses peace first. he chooses compassion first. but he can go further than anyone else when he’s forced to. obi-wan can kill you and mourn you at the same time. thats what makes him so dangerous. because unlike anakin, he won’t break when he does the unthinkable. he’ll live with it. he’ll ache and grieve and still do it again tomorrow, because it’s what the republic needs. that is his duty. because it’s what the jedi ask. and that is why he represents the perfect jedi, because he will always prioritise these things first, he makes the conscious - and harder - choice to embody the jedi teachings, even when it would be easier to throw them out the window.
So aparently when im sick and delusional with fever i come up with banger ideas
Au where Master Sifo-Dyas doesnt completely lose his mind from the visions and stays on Kamino after he made the clone order.
He spends his days telling stories of the Jedi to little cadets. He protects them from cruel trainers and unnescessary deccomishioning. He helps 99 with cleaning and maintenance.
He and Jango do NOT get along. And its all on Jango. In the early months Jango tried to kill Sifo a total of 27 times, and each time Sifo would boast and praise Jango ("oh you almost caught me off guard there little Jango! Your shielding is improving!" "PLEASE JUST DIE" "oh youth")
It does not help matters that Sifo reminds Jango of Jaster in a lot of ways.
Sifo is the one to assign troops and commanders to the Jedi based partly on visions and partly on what he remembers of his old life (*looking at Cody* "you are fiercely protective and loyal, with a crazy streak a mile wide... i think little Obi-Wan would be perfect for you! Granted the last time i saw him he was 9 and having terrible visions, but im sure hes fine :)" "...thanks?")
When Obi-Wan finds Kamino and the clones, it is Sifo that greets him at the entrance ("ah right on time little Obi") Obi-Wan sobs and clings to Sifo because he was one of the only Master that listened and believed his visions from when he was a child.
Jango tries to use the reunion to kill both Jedi. He fails. They both start correcting his form amd approach. "Oh god theres 2 of em. Thats it im out! Come on Boba we're leaving"
Y'all depression is depressioning
I think Obi-Wan should have been Ahsoka’s master, and Anakin is totally normal about it.
Having a little brother sucks
obi-wan kenobi only looks like a respectable, even-tempered rule-follower because he's standing next to Anakin "what are rules" Skywalker and Ahsoka "i know the rules but i don't give a shit" Tano. the moment he's alone, and not being forced to keep anyone in check, he is JUST as chaotic as the other two, if not more because he DOES know the rules and he DOES give a fuck so the fact that he's breaking them means he REALLY wants to ruin someone's day
