Text By Lex

The real deep kind of stuff that you catch yourself thinking about in the shower or late at night when you're staring at your ceiling.

[textbylex]

A Letter to You, Year 2022

I don't even know where to start with this. I'm sure I'll figure it out as I go. First off- how dare you. How dare you rip the sunshine out of my sky. How dare you take away the person who encompassed my sole purpose in life. How dare you leave me on the floor in tears trying to grasp any sense of self I have left. How dare you make me so tired that I couldn't move for weeks. How dare you bring me so much pain that it left my entire body aching. How dare you make it so hard to breathe that I don't even have enough breath to scream. How dare you take time away from the purest, most deserving soul on the face of this planet. How dare you turn what should have been a new beginning to a tragic, disgusting, untimely end. How dare you make something in the peak of its existence cease to exist at all. How dare you.

I honestly don't know that I will ever forgive you.

From the very beginning I wasn't impressed. Between the COVID-19 pandemic coming to an end to spending months waiting for Caity to come home from the hospital to struggling financially due to a change in work caused by the pandemic to another failed relationship; I was trying to be optimistic. I was truly hoping that we would end on a high note. You clearly had different plans. Plans to put yourself first and disregard everyone else. Plans that would disrupt the course of everyone's lives who were involved in all of this.

It amazes me that you were so good to some people and so horrible to others.

February was a birthday for me. One I had to spend without Caity. At this point she had been in the hospital for several months (beginning with your lovely friend- 2021) and I still hadn't gone to see her. I kept telling myself that it would be "too hard" and that "she'd be out soon", and that "I didn't want to see her like that". Suffice to say that birthday sucked.

March was the only "highlight" I think I got from you. I got on a plane and went to visit my grandma and grandpa. We got to FaceTime with Caity in the hospital while I was there. She got to (virtually) accompany me and my grandma on one of our hikes and helped me find my drone that I lost in the desert. She was cracking up. It was a bit dysfunctional, but it was nice because Caity was laughing. And smiling. Unlike my drone that was in the middle of nowhere in the sand, things seemed to be looking up.

The beginning of April seemed like it might turn out okay. April 28th came, and I had the chance to spend time with some really great humans and take their photographs. The morning of April 28th I went to visit Caity in the hospital. It had been the longest I'd gone without being with her in-person. With no hugs or kisses or selfies or just being able to hang out with her; so, I decided enough was enough and that I was going to go see her before heading out to that photoshoot.

I didn't know until looking at the actual timestamps on my photos in my camera roll that it was only two days before everything happened.

Two days.

I had just hugged her. I had just pinky-promised her that her summer birthday party was going to be epic and that everyone was going to be there. I had just told her to "give me a big squeeze!" like I always did since she tried to give me a half-assed hug more than half of the time. I had just looked at her through the glass of the nurse's station while walking off of her floor at the hospital, waving our sign language shorthand ILOVEYOU. Had I known what was to come I would have cancelled that photoshoot and I would have stayed.

The end of April will forever mark the worst time of my life for the rest of my lifetime. April 30th specifically. It will be a time that we will never stop remembering or talking about. Hope you're happy. I'm not sure what you wanted to come out of all of this, but I get to spend the rest of my life living without my favorite person. I will have gotten less time with her than I will have without her. That's pretty f*cked up if you ask me.

I don't remember May, June, or July all that much. It's probably better that way.

I'm not sure what type of mode I entered but after "Sleep Mode" I seemed to enter some type of "Autopilot" for a while after waking up.

I do remember chasing some pretty spectacular sunsets. Creations made by Caity I would presume. I want to say there was a pretty epic moon somewhere in there too.

August came. More amazing scenery brought to life by her. Some of that showed up for Em's birthday. And somehow, some way I managed to land a new job. A job that I know has her clapping and screaming happily all while laughing hysterically about it. She was always so amused if she saw one of us get personally involved with any of her favorite things. In this case- her favorite thing I'm involved with is school. Looking back, I really don't know how I was physically able to make myself even look presentable enough to interview for anything, let alone get the job. I know one thing for sure though. She was with me the entire time.

In everything I choose to do moving forward I am trying to live for her while trying to honor her at the same time.

September was (I want to say bittersweet) but mostly bitter with only a small sprinkle of sweet. I say this because for the first time in my entire life you brought my entire family together under one roof. Including extended family members and friends of both sides. A lot of these people I didn't even know personally. I'm not sure Caity did either. But what I loved about it all was despite her not knowing them, they knew her.

Who am I kidding that was all probably Caity's doing too. I don't want to give YOU the credit for that. She wanted everyone together for her summer birthday. So, she found a way to do just that.

October always symbolizes the beginning of the holiday season (with mom's birthday included of course). Caity didn't really care for me and mom's crazy obsession with decorating. But because of you I didn't decorate. I couldn't bring myself to do it. Even though it's one of my all-time favorite things to do. You ruined it for me.

So, thanks for that.

November was new and different, and very tough. First family holiday without her. Two days before we went on break for Thanksgiving, I stood outside of where I work bawling. Full blown ugly crying. Crying so hard that I could barely breathe. I stood there for an hour. Frozen in the same spot. This was the first time I was able to really feel the raw emotion that had been trapped inside me for so many months. A staff member saw me and came to offer a hug and spoke to me for a bit. One thing she said that stuck with me was to "not lose my happy". She looked at me and said, "I feel like you've lost yourself a little bit. Don't lose you".

I am truly trying to not lose myself. I would be lying if I said I didn't feel lost most of the time now though. And like Caity always wanted, I have truly been trying to hold on to the happy. I was able to bring myself to put a few small holiday decorations in my office. But nothing to the level that it would be under normal circumstances.

I never understood the sentiment of the holidays being a difficult time of year for some people until you came along. You turned my ignorance into a painful reality.

I understand it now.

December came. I spent the entire month sick. No surprise there. You can only be beaten down month after month until it starts to take an even greater physical toll on you. I tried to grasp onto any holiday cheer I could. But without Caity it didn't feel like a holiday. I kept finding myself feeling like maybe this was all a horrible nightmare and that I would wake up at some point. The ironic part of all of that is now that's the only place I can see her. The only place she exists in-body is in my dreams.

When I saw her last, she was giving Em and me a hug. It was just the three of us. Her left arm was wrapped around me. It was a good hug too. What I wouldn't give to feel that again here on Earth. What I wouldn't give for none of this to be real. What I wouldn't give for her to really be here. Body and soul. Getting to experience another year of living with the rest of us.

But, because of you she isn't. There are others that were your accomplices; I know that. But I wonder what would have been if you never happened.

If you didn't exist. Would she?

I don't know what to say. I'm not going to say "Happy New Year" because none of this is happy. I am not happy. Turning a page on a calendar and leaving you behind means that I'm leaving her behind. You were the last time she was whole. You were the last time she was here with us. You were the last time I was able to physically be with her. How do I turn the page on that?

As much as I want to rip up every single piece of you and never look back, at the same time I don't. Because she's there in some of those pieces.

I miss her. I am not going to miss you, 2022.

[textbylex]

Emotional Blunting?

Yea. You read that right. I had no idea what it was until recently. First and foremost, before I go on to explain what it is, I wanted to take a second to recognize the fact that I am absolutely HORRIBLE at maintaining any type of blog. I am aware of this.

It is time for my (yearly) Mental Health Awareness post. May is coming to an end.

As my Facebook community is aware, three and a half weeks ago on April 30th became the worst day of my life. I lost the center of my world, the light of my life and the cutest and strongest human being that was everything to me- my little sister Caity. She truly kept the family together. Everything we did was for her. She was the focus. She may have had special needs, but she was just special in general. She made anyone who came into contact with her smile. She had this effect on people that is something that I will miss for the rest of my life. If you'd like to know more details of what happened, you can visit this Facebook post to read further. I can't rehash that right now.

But, in this tragedy that myself and my family are now trying to figure out how to navigate I find myself increasingly frustrated. Since losing Caity I have only physically been able to express how I am feeling twice. I've cried only twice. Now I know everyone says that it comes in waves and that grief is weird and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. But having said that my grief is not doing my love for her justice whatsoever. And it's making me so mad. Not that I want to spend every day, all day long in tears, but why can't I feel this? Why can't I feel it like I know I feel it in my mind? Why can't I drop to my knees overcome by the greatest loss in my life? Why can't I react?

I spent the better half of a week holding my dad as he wept. I spent the better half of a week watching strangers that hardly knew Caity cry and lose it because they see our pain and they know how special she is. I've spent the better part of a month trying to feel. At the same time- I don't want to feel it. This pain seems incomprehensible to the point where sometimes I feel like I can still video chat with her; or feel like I'm just going to go visit her later in the week. But the weeks keep passing. And I have never felt more stuck or lost in my entire life.

So, me being me, I looked into what may be contributing to my inability to feel all of this. And not just say "oh one of these days it will hit me" and just sit and wait for that. After reading some articles I discovered Emotional Blunting. It turns out that what I am experiencing a good 46% of individuals with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) who are treating it with SSRI's, also experience.

Emotional Blunting is the residual side effect of MDD and a known side effect of SSRI's used to treat multiple conditions. It causes 'an indifferent, unresponsive affect and the inability to feel emotions' (Progress In Mind). From what I've read this seems heightened for those experiencing a major and traumatic loss. (Cool. Not!)

The most frustrating aspect of it all? The only way to be able to change that is to lower dosage of the medication, try an entirely different profile of medication, or switch to a different type of therapeutic treatment for said mental illness.

To put it simply- something that helps me a great deal in my everyday aspect of living is now hindering me being able to feel the grief associated with the loss of my favorite person.

It feels wrong. It makes me more upset. If only I could feel outwardly and be able to express it physically! I don't know where I go from here. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to go about life without her here.

The only thing keeping me going is knowing that she would want everyone happy and smiling. I am truly trying to keep the happy going, but it seems impossible some days.

She was my happy.

Knowing that there is nothing that I can really do- aside from changing my own treatment regimen, to feel all of my feelings and broken heart makes me so sad. Guilty almost. Because I love her more than life.

What I have done as of late is get an overwhelming amount of houseplants (some of which my cat has tried to destroy), along with getting watercolor pens to color with (coloring was something Caity used to love doing). I try to find a way to include her and honor her every single day. I guess for now that's all I can really do? I guess just like her, I know a little bit of what it feels like to be trapped by your body. Just in a different way.

If anyone has any suggestions or tips or things that have helped them navigate their own grief, please share. If anyone reading this also suffers from a mental illness know that you are not alone and that your mental illness does not define you. Life is worth living, even if it's not going the way you want it to right now. If you are in a place where you need someone I am always here and I also have some helpful contacts attached to the bottom of last year's post.

Here's to riding the waves. I don't know how to surf, so this should be interesting.

[textbylex]

(H|H) ‘Hurdles To Happiness’

What do you and I and all four of the seasons have in common? Change. Beauty. A delicate balance between hard and soft, hot and cold, lightness and darkness and all of those little evolution's in between.

It is officially the month of May. And as many of you don’t know... That means it is Mental Health Awareness Month. A month that is meant to bring it up. To normalize it and take down all of the nasty social stigmas out there regarding it. This month is all about education, enlightenment, and is meant to remind those who need sanctuary from their daily battles that they are not alone. To provide resources and a safe place for those that suffer from the demons that no one else knows about. 

We are currently living in a very unprecedented time. A time where more and more individuals are getting a taste of what isolation feels like. What it’s like to feel trapped. What it’s like to feel restless and not be able to make it stop. What it’s like to feel anxious and not have a remedy for it. What it’s like to be hypersensitive to anything and everything within your surroundings. What it’s like to have everything feel unfamiliar. 

Now more than ever we need to be there for one another. At the end of the day we all want the same thing out of life. We want to be loved and to feel like we are safe. You have no idea what your neighbor is going through, and you have no idea how far a simple smile or genuine “how are you doing?” can go for someone. 

I remember back in 2013 laying on the living room floor of my mother’s house almost paralyzed by incessant panic. For weeks I couldn’t drive my own car, couldn’t go to work, couldn’t eat, and could barely gather enough strength to stand in the shower or change my clothes.

Anyone that knows me knows that I love to take photos. My social media is practically an endless blog posting of photos with short narratives. To be honest my posts almost feel naked without a photo attached to it. But that’s beside the point I’m trying to make. Photography became an escape for me. I didn’t realize that when I first picked up a camera and took it with me on my nature walks, hikes or when taking the dogs out on a walk. But, in hindsight that’s what it really was for me in the beginning. 

Anyone that suffers from any type of mental illness develops a safe place- so to speak. Somewhere they can be where their inner demons don’t bother them (or at least- not as much as all the other seconds in the day). Or something they can do that occupies their mind just enough to where they can keep their composure enough to be able to function like a “normal” human being. 

I had realized that something was really wrong when I started not being able to escape my daily battles on my nature walks anymore. The two other safe places for me was always when I was at work or if I was asleep. That’s where I felt invincible, or as if I had a shield of sorts. But, those soon became over-powered by my severe panic and major depressive disorders. I would describe these panics as endless echoes in my mind that were almost haunting. I couldn’t make them out either. They weren’t words. I wasn’t hearing things per-say. It was more of just endless loupe of sickening, heavy energy following me constantly. It always started in my subconscious and then brought on very real and physical symptoms along with it. Making me feel sick, dizzy, hopeless, lost, weak and like I couldn’t breathe and was suffering from a heart attack 24/7. No really. I ended up in the ER a few times because I felt like I was dying and all of my symptoms matched to that of a heart attack. 

But, then of course it’s always a coin toss on if the Nurse and Doctor believed you or if they had the ideology of it “all being in your head” and “not real” and thinking that you’re only there to get drugs- and yes that is a thing. Which, by the way (if you’ve never been given Benzodiazepines before) often times make you feel even worse after taking them because of their gruesome side effects. Or they flat out make you feel like you’re a ghost who is having an out-of-body experience. 

I remember a male doctor coming in to talk with me telling me that there was literally “nothing wrong” with me. I’ve never been angrier in my entire life. Pretty sure some obscenities left my mouth in that exam room if I remember correctly. The nurse I ended up with though, looked at me and told me that what I am feeling is real because she had been through it with her daughter and seen what it did to her. After doing blood work and testing to rule out any other underlying conditions I was finally diagnosed with Severe Panic Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), and generalized Anxiety. Oh and by the way Anxiety and Panic are two incredibly different things with incredibly different feelings.

For a long time I didn’t like the idea of Therapy and realized after almost two years of attending it every week that it is one of the best things that you can do for your mental health. Before starting it I was hesitant probably because I kept everything to myself. All of my thoughts and feelings up to that point were locked inside of my mess of a mind. Maybe part of me didn’t know where to even start or how to navigate it all. 

I then had to go through the hurdles of trying different coping methods and medications to find the right balance for myself. They definitely don’t call it “Trial and Error” for nothing because going through the process of finding what “worked” was one of the worst experiences of my life. Exhausting both mentally and physically. It’s why I ended up on my mom’s living room floor that day. Sobbing on the outside and screaming on the inside. 

Trust me when I say this. I didn’t want to even be on any medication. I fought it for so long and got to the point of telling my doctor that I wasn’t strong enough to battle all of this on my own. Sometimes on a bad day I still resent the fact that I have to take something to feel “okay”, and to be able to function. 

For a long time I was angry. Angry that none of those “home-remedies” worked for me. Angry that going back to the gym wasn’t enough released endorphins to make me feel alright. Angry from all of the side effects that came with the medication that took me almost two years to get used to. Angry of how my illness and this new medication were getting in the way of every aspect of my life. And not going to lie... I still get a little angry when I forget to take it and start to feel those horrendous withdrawal symptoms. 

But through all of these hardships, hurdles and unknowns I have come out of it anew. With more strength than I had before. Knowing who I am and what I want. Having a broader understanding of the mind and how some things are completely out of my control. I have accepted that my illness is a part of me. Part of my life. Part of my story. I have developed more compassion and empathy than I’ve ever had and want to do anything I can for those feeling the same pain that I’ve felt over these past few years. It may not feel like it right now, but it does get better. You will get better. 

So, for all of you out there suffering. I want you to know that you are truly not alone. I see you. I am here for you. I will listen to you. Your illness does not define you. How you feel is real. Mine has shaped me, and for that I am thankful. So embrace your seasons. You may end up discovering one you love without even expecting it. You may even end up discovering yourself.

If you or someone you know or love is struggling please don’t hesitate to reach out. You are not alone. During the current COVID-19 pandemic happening around the world checking in on our neighbors has never been more important. If you see or hear something that doesn’t seem right, lend a helping a hand and call Emergency Services if needed.

 Here is a small list of some helpful contacts:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800)-273-8255

finder.psychiatry.org

www.apa.org

members.adaa.org/page/FATMain (240)-485-1001

nami.org

We are all in this together. 

[textbylex]

“You must lead the blind with sound. Even if they don’t want to listen...”

- Alexis Grosclaude

[textbylex]

Today

Today I feel defeated. Here’s why. Although I love the benefits that come with social media they can sometimes lead you to reading things that make you step back and really start to analyze your own life. Don’t get me wrong I am very happy for the people that I see stumbling upon the success that they have deserved and worked for. I love to see determined, strong, humble and hardworking individuals be rewarded for having such a great work ethic and character. But, sometimes seeing so many things that you want in your life belong to others can take a serious toll on your confidence.

I have worked so hard. Spent almost two years taking a Graphic Design program that I still am unable to finish because of how expensive the classes and tuition are. I got put on financial lockout two months before graduating. Still to this day I don’t have my Associates Degree. And I hate coming to that realization every time I see someone else graduate or get promoted at their favorite company because of their education. School was never easy for me and I grew up not having a lot of money having to support myself, my schooling and all of the expenses it takes just to live out every day lives. Now, I’m truly not trying to play the “poor me” card here or say “how dare anyone else be successful if I can’t be”. Hell, I’m not even trying to say “life isn’t fair”. Because we all know the sad truth is that it is and we have to get over it. We have to overcome.

But, why is success... much less- education so expensive and hard to obtain? All of my skills in the arts are primarily self-taught. Every year my photography clientele doubles. And for that I am thankful. That though, is only the tip of the iceberg.

I want so much more. I’m sick of hearing “you’re still young” or “you’ll get there” or “be patient” or even the naysayers lovely “good luck with that. If only we could all spend our lives doing what we love”. That is what I want. And right now I don’t see it. And that’s what is killing me. Because then all I see is other people earning, and gaining everything that I want. Some even getting it shortly after putting forth efforts to get it.

I want to do photography full time. I want to be a freelance graphic designer. I want to be followed and recognized for my witty, sarcastic and spontaneous personality. I want to create things. Every. Single. Day. I want to be able to afford to get my favorite Starbucks drink without having to dig into my rainy-day-change-fund jar just to “splurge”. I want to be able to live a life. A comfortable life.

For god’s sake I heard one of my coworkers say “if I won any kind of money I would go back to school and then get a job I actually enjoy”. And I sat quietly at my desk pondering for a minute. Despite the amazing people I work with I feel the exact same way. But why do us good, hardworking people have to struggle so badly just to get to feel what life is like when you get to live it? When do you get to be happy and do something you love? When can you succeed and actually have something to show for it: happiness.

So as I sit here being a slave to technogology watching other people’s lives and beautiful families grow inside this little screen, I’m stuck. Or at least I feel stuck. Stuck living paycheck to paycheck. Only doing what I love 1/4 of the time. Stuck not feeling complete. Not feeling successful. Not feeling happy. I’m happy with my laptop. And my favorite music in the background. I’m happy being able to take a few days to myself or be able to go on adventures with my fur babies. I’m happy when I get to meet beautiful people, and have the ability to create beautiful things for them. I am happy capturing moments. I am happy when I make others happy. I am happy when I get to explore this gorgeous world around me taking it all in before it’s gone and the next city sprouts from what used to be a forest. I’m happy exploring the city life that is already out there coming up with crazy, but also rationale ideas that could change the world for the better. I am happy when I get to be a creator.

I want to be an artist. And I want to make a living. And I want to live my life. Not work my life.

To those of you who are already there. I am so proud of you. And to be honest.. I envy you. Keep killing it. And keep doing you. And if you have any words of wisdom or encouragement I could use them. 🤘🏼

[textbylex]

Change

It's time for a change she said And she proceeded to wear flip flops and walk out in the rain Asking herself if this isn't considered normal Then what is Suddenly she found herself not as scared But excited Now that her toes have touched the falling water For the first time

[textbylex]

"Working out is 1% physical strength and 99% motivation. Now go."

Alexis Grosclaude

[textbylex]

"Be a classy lady.. At the end of the day it's way sexier".

Alexis Grosclaude

[textbylex]

"Let me show you what being on top of the world feels like". Went on a night hike to see the sunset with my love. Puget Sound and Washington state never ceases to amaze me. Follow me on Instagram @_eye_capture_ And on twitter @ALGrosclaude

[textbylex]

You know you've taken a great photo when it makes you wish it didn't have four corners.

[textbylex]

"Rude Awakening" [An Original] By: Alexis Grosclaude

This song is for anyone out there who has ever thought moving on from that heartbreak, and finding something better for yourself is impossible. Feel free to share or re-post. Copyright of Alexis Grosclaude

-----------------------------------------------

My alarm goes off in the early morning

I wake up with some skin showing,

But I sit up on the other side of the bed

No strength to get up, Cause it all feels like pretend

I'm trying too hard to forget

This is my rude awakening

My defining moment, Where I scream,

But the room is silent, No one hears it

I get up, walk slowly down the hall looking at the bare walls

Where the picture frames were filled,

But now is when the tears fall

No strength to move, even with the man in the other room

This is my rude awakening

A defining moment, Where I scream,

But the room is silent, No one hears it

I make myself some tea and stand in the kitchen

Watching the memories pass through my head that come to life

But they soon fade to black and white once he walks in

And kisses me, Holds me tightly, Whispering "Good Morning"

Reminds me that I'm alright and it makes me think of the love

That surrounded us last night

This is my rude awakening

The defining moment, Where I smiled and the whole world

Saw it

It was then that I realized that the best was right in front of me

With no strings attached and no childish games

This handsome man wants to give me his name

He takes me for who I am and has never asked me to change

He brought the color back into my world

And my best decision was going down a different road

This was my rude awakening

My defining moment, Where my life changed before my eyes

And I finally understood why

I walk down the hall now loving the life him and I have built

Looking at all the smiles we've shared and noticing the way he stares

Turns out moving on is as simple as getting rid of a box

And isn't as hard as I had always thought because I was caught,

And pulled away from something that I couldn't have ever changed