(TW- eating disorder) (recovery)
Allowing myself to eat on days I want to starve is very fucking hard. The only reason Iām doing it is because starving always always always always leads to binging. Iām sick of binging. Iām done with binging.
Not allowing myself to go hungry is such a strange feeling. It makes me feel like Iām not making any weight loss progress when in reality, time will show that it is. Iām doing 1200 calories a day which already feels like a lot. And Iām 16 hour intermission fasting to keep me from snacking in the evenings. Iāve gone on 3 long walks (with stairs š„µ) this week and Iām aiming for 2-3 hours of excercise per week minimum.
Itās going to take like 2-3 weeks to see a difference in my body and weight that could usually take me 4-6 days of starving. But whatās the point if I just binge eat and gain it all back. This 4-6 days of suffering were useless. The time that passes so slowly with weight loss anyway will finally be worth it, and will actually stick. On top of that, Iāll have energy? Sleep better? Have less depressive episodes? My body will finally be functioning for the first time in years? Eating doesnāt sound as bad as it used to anymore and I canāt wait until food and dieting isnāt on my mind 24/7.
It sucks because after binging for 2-3 days I typically starve for the rest of the days and lose the weight again. (And then binge and gain, then starve and lose then binge then starve and binge...) And this time it isnāt coming off so quickly. And I donāt feel good about my body right now. Iāve lost a bit since my binged but not as much as Iām used to by now. But I know that by not starving myself, I will lose the weight and more, and keep it off. I just have to treat myself better. Itās so hard I just want to spiral and self destruct again.
I have to remind myself that starving only causes me to gain weight. Itās a cycle thatās hard to break after 8 years but I want to lose the weight. And Iāve done a lot of reading about weight loss and binging and the only way to stop binging and lose weight is to eat. And cutting ties with ābadā foods or ārestrictedā foods. You can have a chocolate bar, damnit. You can have some cheesy nachos, garlic bread or pizza itās all just about portion sizes, and eating whole healthy foods most of the time and allowing treats every now and again so when you binge you donāt eat 4000 calories in 4 hours worth of pizza and brownies and fries and all the stuff youāve been craving for months cause lord knows how many fucking times Iāve done that and feel so so so guilty about the waste of food and time and money that comes from binging.
Its also learning to listen to my body when Iām hungry and especially when Iām full, but also find different ways to feed my boredom and terrible loneliness and depression. Which is the hardest part. Jobless, living alone with an eating disorder is fucking hard and the only reason I am recovering is because my boyfriend has inspired me so much. Him taking care of himself makes me want to. I want a better healthy future. I want to lose this weight healthily and finally feel good about my body because Iām taking care of it instead of feeling good about destroying it. He is the only support Iāve ever had with my eating disorder and I thank him so much. Nobodyās ever listened or understood about it. I had no friends or family I could tell. I told my ex a couple times and he was worthless when it came to supporting me. And I will eventually tell my family, I just feel like such a burden already and I donāt want my sensitive mother to blame herself because she always has had body image and food/weight loss issues that definitely imprinted on me. But Iām hoping that when I recover I can help her and talk to her about it too.
Never really thought Iād start trying to recover this soon but I donāt want to die anymore and I want to be able to be there for my friends and loved ones with the shit theyāre going through instead of not being able to because my own shit is in the way.
Itās funny my eating disorder just causes me to gain weight these days, and recovery just keeps sounding better. I also know itās still unhealthy, I still count calories and log my fasts and I am very unhappy with my body but coping with it this way makes more sense and I am proud of myself for finally fucking doing it. I still have bad days, more so with Covid on lockdown, but I am not going to starve myself to cope anymore.
