It stings a little bit, hearing it at first. In a way, he concedes that she’s right. Talking really is all he does. Sometimes he fights, and he fights well, but most of it just is him running his mouth, isn’t it ? It’s a part of who he is, or, he believes so. He’s not supposed to have record of who he used to be, none of them are, yet here he is, trying to live up to the Cayde the written journals depict. Perhaps he’s doing it wrong, perhaps he’s doing it right. He’ll never know.
He knows for a moment it did show; people pay attention to him. It had been a slight movement of his head, the small widening of his eyes, a quick flick to the side, casting a downward gaze, before he focuses back on her. It’s quick, something so fleeting one could second guess if it had happened, especially when Cayde responds, his tone betraying none of the emotions he’d just gone through; right back to a chipper joking attitude.
“ Aw, cut me some slack ! I do what I can. And, well, I’m good at talking. People seem to listen around here. If they’re not stubborn. ” Looking at you, Zavala.
Calmly he sets the book to the side of him, but stays seated up on the desk as he listens to her talk about the experience. There’s not a lot actively said, but it’s the way she speaks that has him filling in the blanks. For all the times he’d been difficult with his fireteam ( up to and including right marching out of a room in the middle of discussions ), he pays attention to them. Learned to read them; which leads him to actually hopping down from his seat and approaching her, reaching out to gently put his hand on her shoulder, a gesture meant to be reassuring.
“ I was too. ” It’s not something he’d necessarily admit to anyone else, not something he likes to admit. He’s Cayde-6. He’s not supposed to be afraid. He’s supposed to look everything in the eyes and laugh it off. This was the exception, he found. Faced with mortality, it gave him a lot to think about. Someone or something is going to kill him for good one day. One way or the other. He’d been thinking it over, about what he’s going to do. Out of all of them, he’s the most likely to die. It’s reality, and through the war he really came face to face with it.
“ I think I was more afraid of the people I’d lose if I died back there. ” His hand slowly comes off her shoulder and returns to his side, his eyes casting a glance off to the side, slightly narrowing as brows come down. He’s troubled by the thought still. Sure, he’d leave a legend behind him, but what about everyone else ? “ I just kept thinking I never really left anyone anything. And… I think I’m going to change that. It gave me a lot to think about. Brought me back down to Earth, so to speak, if only for a minute. I don’t plan to try to dwell on it but… Talking about it… It gets it off my chest. It helps. I can’t say anything solid for anyone else, but if it helps me, I don’t know, maybe it’ll help someone else. Maybe it’ll help you. ” A pause. “ Not that I’m implying you necessarily need help. Just… It’s here. You know, if you want it. ”
she would never hurt him, not on purpose. she’s spent her lives studying the light, the traveler, teaching her hunters... but when it comes to people, she is always a step behind. she knows cayde and zavala better than anyone. they are the two ikora feels the most comfortable around. but even after all these years, decades, by their side, she still finds ways to stick her foot in her mouth.
cayde is a master hunter. he is the hunter above all hunters, just as she is the warlock above all warlocks. and despite his faults, he is one of the smartest men she has ever met. but even his talents could not hide the truth from her; she sees the way he glances sideways, the brief flickering of his optics. she knows, and she hates it. hates herself for it. it seems as though she needs more practice at watching her words.
despite everything, he is still cayde, and she would never hurt him. not her best friend.
“as i told our guardian friend, there is... there WAS a sort of finality about that battle. not just for us, but for everyone. we have faced gods and demons before, beings of the light and the dark, but...” ikora pauses, to chew on her words. every bit of her instinct screams for her to drop the conversation. she is the youngest vanguard, but that does not mean she is a CHILD. she should not be afraid of the dark. “but i was afraid.”
“i shouldn’t have been. i know that. we are guardians, even without our light. we are-- we are the VANGUARD. warlocks look to me to lead them. but from the moment i felt my light leave me, i...”
the feeling rises once more. cold, creeping from deep within her stomach; tendrils wrapping around her heart, slithering towards her lungs. her breath, growing shorter as she feels her ghost struggling to survive. it is only cayde’s hand, the warmth and the pressure, that keeps her from falling back, that keeps the ghosts of yesterday away. but even his touch cannot suppress the truth.
without her light, she had been weak and flighty. she is not the vanguard the warlocks deserve. but perhaps she can be, one day. one day she’ll deserve that title.
“i suppose it doesn’t matter,” ikora says instead, and lifts a hand, to squeeze cayde’s. she is here now. he has returned; they are all home. “it’s all over now.”
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