I think I watched myself develop OCD (And GAD so bad I was voluntarily committed <3)
time for my impulsive, once in a blue moon return to Tumblr. This will probably be long and kind of rambling.
I am writing all this down just because I feel like I have felt like I am losing my mind for the last few months, but I do have an anxiety med now and am slowly getting better.
Context:
So about 3 months ago now I had a surgery. The surgery was good but because I was recovering and starting winter term I found myself under more stress than probably every before and my brain decided to completely cook itself. I have been trying to get a handle on my miserable brain for years now and did go through as many resources as I could get my hands on to try and mitigate the effects of going to collage and recovering from surgery. Unfortunately, despite making appointments week one, by the time I got into the first appointment I was already failing 2 of my 3 classes and was told my best option was to simply drop the classes and request a refund. Great! I go to book an appointment with my advisor to figure out how to request a refund, and she is only available 1 day before the deadline. I went to disability access services because I have diagnosed ADHD and bad executive dysfunction (some of which I later realized was also anxiety) and was told that for executive dysfunction they typically recommend taking fewer classes and ADHD coaching. I sign up for ADHD coaching, and drop the two classes I am failing. luckily, I am able to get a refund because that only required filling out a form, but that also means accepting that, even though I have been doing pretty much everything I possibly can to get through collage, it's probably going to take me a minimum of 6 (realistically 7) years to graduate.
Probably also worth noting I had done a lot of research into OCD for a writing project prior to my brain imploding, and also have a few friends with it, so I had a lot of baseline knowledge about the disorder well before I started thinking I might have it.
Sometime in the summer or fall of 2025 I realized that I was could not stop paying attention to cracks in the sidewalk, and if I stepped on one, had to step on another, in roughly the same spot, with my opposite foot or get all uncomfortable. I have always, what I presumed to be, some OCD tendencies which never got bad enough to impact my day to day life. However, starting sometime in February or January I began to care more about how I walked; sidewalk cracks also became spaces between tiles, and then textures (I need to step on them an even amount with both feet) and then colors, and then just trying to walk normally on the faux floorboards in my kitchen caused a rising tension in my body that made me want to claw at my own skin until I stopped stepping on the gaps in the floorboards or balanced it out with my other foot.
I also began checking for spiders. I have always checked for spiders in my headphones before I put them on. sometimes I would forget, and then whip them off to check due to a sudden jolt of fear, or check, put them on, take them off to recheck because I hadn't checked well enough. I am afraid of bugs getting in my ears, or spiders trapped against my skin biting me. Around the same time as the walking got silly, I found myself unable to get dressed without checking for spiders. Like, turning my clothes insides out and feeling around in pockets and in my shoes. Even taking my shoes or socks off because I felt something in there. I am not particularly afraid of spiders. On multiple occasions I have found spiders in my room and simply let them be because I don't want to hurt them. However I am incapable of going to bed without checking my blankets for them, and as of late just looking at them has become difficult, because the image sticks in my head and I inevitably have to check my ears or headphones (regardless of how many hours I have been wearing them already, spider free) and cannot get dressed without imagining the spider.
Sometime, probably in mid to late February, I began to imagine myself licking or eating mold or shit or other filth, and thusly would end up washing my mouth out with mouthwash and water repeatedly for 10 or 15 minutes. I eventually could not use the toilet without washing my mouth out at least once and would sometimes end up scrubbing the back of my throat with a toothbrush. a couple of times in the hospital I considered washing my mouth out with hand soap, but have not lost all my reason.
Naturally I began to think that I probably didn't have OCD, but rather, I am an ablest fetishist that I simply started leaning into my preexisting obsessive compulsive tenancies because I just want to have OCD and made myself sick on purpose. After talking to 3 or 4 different mental health professionals I have been told that it probably isn't OCD, and I'm just a worrier/have autism/am anxious about things I am scared about/have GAD and access to google/don't need a diagnosis to get anxiety meds so it doesn't matter.
On top of all this I was experiencing, what I thought, was a normal level of anxiety; I was spending multiple hours a day every day so physically anxious that I was more or less nonfunctional. I was not worried about anything but was so on edge that even thinking about any amount of work became impossibly stressful. On top of realizing that I was actually anxious all time time for multiple hours a day, I started to feel my anxiety more acutely. instead of worry or nervousness, it became fear.
This is already so long I don't really feel like going into depth about my mental hospital trip, but for clarification I wasn't sent there because I was at any point suicidal. It was simply that despite my best efforts I was deteriorating at a rapid rate, and taking care of myself was very difficult. I had a feeling that I was simply letting myself rot and the effort it took just to figure out what to eat was exhausting.
I may update about it more at some point, but maybe not. maybe I am just posting all this to try and gaslight people online into thinking I have OCD. Although, my therapist did finally start giving me CBT techniques for intrusive thoughts/compulsive behaviors, and that has been very helpful.
Also, when I went to my psychiatrist to say I think I have GAD, he told me that he had already put it on my chart, because I have brought up anxiety literally every time I went to see him. I seriously thought that was just normal.
