ThatBpdBitch

i guess you could call this my life

[typically-divergent]

who needs to dress up for halloween when you wear a costume every day hahah i don’t know who i am

[thatbpdbitch]

What a more fitting introduction to me, than the ever reoccurring abandonment issues.

*Disclaimer: I may use official terms occasionally but I am speaking from my own personal experiences.*

My partner, let’s call them Seven (fun fact they’re the seventh person I’ve dated). We’ve been seeing each other for about five months, which for many is nothing, but for me it’s enough for them to be my entire world aka the world crushing attachment, Favourite Person (FP).

Many people without BPD/EUPD, throw around the term like it’s nothing but for me they are my entire world. My day doesn’t start until we talk or see each other. They are the only person I can focus on. If things are good with them, I’m on top of the world. However, if things are bad, my entire world is collapsing. (I’m not oblivious to the fact it sounds like how a teenage girl acts in her first relationship by Hollywood standard.)

Things are bad right now, very bad. We had our ups and downs, as all couples do, but seemingly out of nowhere they said the words no one wants to hear “We need to talk”. Now, mentally stable or not, this phrase is gut wrenching.

We weren’t due to see each other for a few hours but as soon as I read that all too familiar text, I knew they were going to leave. Even if they weren’t, because I associate that phrase with such, in my mind it was predetermined that they were leaving.

We called and they explained they have so much things going on in their life that they couldn’t handle a relationship right now. (*Ding ding ding* one point to abandonment issues). They wish to keep me in their life but strictly platonically.

Their terms: - A strictly platonic relationship

- Less contact but we should talk once a day, to stay in contact

- No staying over nights together

- No saying “I love you”

- I can see other people (but they supposedly won’t and want me to wait two years for them to get back together)

Now, I immediately hated this as they had all the control. I hung up on them, started hysterically crying (you’d think a family member had died but in my brain I’d rather be dead than live in a world without my FP, losing them is losing a part of me.) I had to see them on my terms, a desperate grasp at control.

We meet up and eventually agreed, we would revert to the way things were before we were officially dating. We’d see each other less, wouldn’t call every night, wouldn’t text as often, staying over maybe once a month but any of my BPD bitches know, at that point I would have agreed to anything to keep them in my life.

Now that I’ve had a little bit of time to myself, I hate this. I was perfectly comfortable with the amount we were together and our dynamic. (Also a fun little thing, they said they’d been thinking about this for two weeks, during which time we were seeing each other, staying overnight, being intimate, saying “I love you” a ridiculous amount , etc , and there was no indication that they essentially had decided they were going to break up with me by then)

Unfortunately, that’s the end for now. I can theorise the whys and what ifs (we all know I will) but I will really only know what they’ve said to me. I only have control over me, myself and I right now (and even how much control is debatable).

So for now, I guess that was my silly little introduction to me and my life.

*BPD: Boderline Personality Disorder (know known as EUPD or Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder), according to The National Institute of Mental Health “is a mental illness that severely impacts a person’s ability to regulate their emotions. This loss of emotional control can increase impulsivity, affect how a person feels about themselves, and negatively impact their relationships with others.”

*FP: Favourite Person. There are many definitions but simply put it is an intense attachment to a person (possibly more than one). You typically rely on them for your comfort, validation and security. More often than not, you can’t see a life without them. Bliss counselling says; “The difference between a best friend and a favourite person, is related to the intensity of the thoughts that surround this person.”