Quick warning, this is going to be a long post. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to post this but I heard a voice in my heart telling me to. Maybe it’ll help someone else going through something similar…
Christmas and the entire season has always been difficult for me. The last time I spoke to my dad was Christmas Day, 1998. He died unexpectedly 4 days later. Following his death, it seemed that December was cursed. If someone close to me was going to die, it would happen in December. If something bad was going to happen, it was going to happen in December. It got to where in my head and my heart I would prepare myself because I felt marked by something. “The December Curse”
Over the last 19 years, I would do my best to keep busy and numb from thinking about it. 5 years ago, I was at my absolute lowest. I spent the entire holiday with a drink in my hand. I didn’t see my family. I had honestly just given up on Christmas and almost everything else. Luckily, January came and I was able to get back out of that black hole. Over the next 5 years, as Austin and I started to build a life together, we would often take trips during the end of the year. I told him it was for his birthday but deep down, I wanted an excuse to escape. Minimize family time so I didn’t have to be constantly reminded of the ones who are no longer there with us or the mistakes I had made. I also didn’t go to church bc in my heart, I was so angry, just as angry as I was on December 29, 1998.
When Austin and I started to have issues, I felt lost and angry once again but I had too much to lose to go back to drowning myself with a bottle. So, I found myself going to Elevation. I would go and sit alone because I was too embarrassed at the amount of tears I would cry, just out of nowhere. I kept going because I felt so hopeless, I had nowhere else to go. Even then, I was still standoffish about the whole church and God thing because, up until that point, he had always let me get hurt. I felt like he purposely chose me like a Voodoo Doll. Then during one sermon I heard Steven say “There’s purpose in your pain” and its like something clicked. He was talking to me. I got chills.
Since that day I have (as you have probably noticed) have inched myself more and more into Elevation. When my marriage fell apart and the December curse was on the horizon, I had a decision to make — back to the bottle to numb it or dive into church to work through it. I am so thankful of the choice I made because for the first time in 19 years, I am not running from today, I am embracing it. I have watched people walk through those doors this morning and change the the direction of their faith by the time they walk out. Ive hugged and cried and said I love you with 100% truth. For the first time, and even given the fact that my best friend just passed, I am not trying to drown today and tomorrow away. Honestly, I feel my dad and Liz and Jimmy/Dad and everyone else that I miss was standing right beside me today, holding my hand and giving me the words to say to those who need to hear them. Helping me keep a smile on my face.
I know this is uber personal and I cant believe Im about to post this for the fb world to read and possibly judge but I'm doing it for one reason — to give hope to anyone out there that is me from the past. If youre feeling alone, lost, angry, numb… you don’t have to. There is purpose in your pain and there is a plan. Id love to hug you if you’re reading this and need it.
To end this novel, I just want to say thank you. Thank you to the family and friends who didn’t give up on me when I deserved it. Im sorry to anyone I pulled away from over the years because I was fighting myself and my own demons. I cant pretend to be a saint and oh so holy because I’m still human and a sinner but I can promise ill never be that lost girl again. XOXO Merry Christmas
PS — I didn’t proofread this because I know I wont post it so grammar/comma nazis, CHILL OUT
