Typical

💖💕L I Z 💕💖

[newlyy]

Not that I think all marriages are doomed but when deciding who to marry you should ask yourself “is this someone I’d want to divorce?” As in, is this someone I believe would be mature and fair, even when they’re upset and don’t particularly like me at the moment. Is this someone I could continue to trust while going through an adversarial process? And if the answer is no, don’t marry them.

[phaeton-flier]

Bear religion probably fucking rocks. You're a fucking bear, you're the deadliest thing on earth, once a year an endless supply of salmon just flings itself up the river to gorge on and then you nap for 3 months.

[phaeton-flier]

The most delicious food in the world is protected by tiny demons who can defend it from everyone except you. Your natural armor is thick enough that you can just eat the damn hive while they buzz around you. God's chosen animals right there

[theaudientvoid]

[centrally-unplanned]

Regular bears tell stories of angel bears sent by the Bear God, pure white and twice as strong as any normal bear could be, who rule the summit of the Earth and kill all who stand in their path.

And they are right, those bears exist and totally do that. Humans just have fake angels as a cope.

[theabigailthorn]

love the idea of bears being the chosen species actually. having a near death experience and glimpsing heaven and realising it's just full of bears, no humans at all, humans not ensouled actually, humans an accidental byproduct of God's plan for bears

[sailermoon]

this is how new yorkers @ mamdani

[sailermoon]

[depsidase]

[dailycatsblog]

[depsidase]

[going2hell4everythingbutbeingbi]

things to say after fucking up egregiously

pack it up boys we've made a social blunder

let's run that again

one more time normal style

I'm going to become a statistic

further proof god is out to get me

it's because I tore my acl senior year

I couldn't do it for religious reasons

my ex took my talent in the divorce

good thing nobody saw that (said directly to someone who definitely saw it)

[draconym]

do you think two pennies is still enough for the ferryman or has inflation driven up the fare

[draconym]

if he makes me use an app I am simply not crossing the river Styx.

[cadaverkeys]

I think of this twitter interaction at least 6 times a day. do you remember how we used to run?

[spacebrick3]

couples outfit idea

[ooppo]

At this point it's more disappointing than shocking that not a single assassin in the states can aim a fucking gun

[ooppo]

Not fucking really

[teaboot]

Three Fuckinh Times Bruh wake me up when we get there

[coughloop]

hey  mom wjat

[coughloop]

[targetedknowledge]

[happyllamaglama]

when the weird relative shows up to the farm

[krisrisk]

i have never seen an animal moving this silly

[bluewizardnonesense]

“Camels are far too intelligent to admit to being intelligent”

“Camels are largely made of knees, going in all directions”

“Camels gallop by throwing their feet as far away from them as possible and then running to keep up”

-Sir Terry Pratchett, discworld series

[oneheadtoanother]

[nalgenebottle-deactivated201706]

*goes to Coachella in a white linen suit like an antebellum lawyer, sweating profusely and dabbing at my forehead with a handkerchief* now, I’m no fancy scientist, but would you folk know where a simple gentleman such as myself could obtain some acid? Now, I’m no big city lawyer, but could any of you fine youths point a country boy such as myself in the direction of some fucking acid?

[goetic-justice]

You guys are always like "being crushed by 10,000 tons of rock probably feels good as hell" or "being torn to pieces by hunting dogs would low key fix me" and I feel like those things would actually be unpleasant.

[goetic-justice]

How about "Drinking an ice cold strawberry milkshake probably feels good as hell". Do you guys like that one.