bellātor

19 

[thatsysabeld-blog]

Hi Crush

who's this HAHA

[thepersonalquotes]

[thatsysabeld-blog]

The world screamed with every ounce of strength it had. It’s carrying a pile of explosive hearts that meant to be exploded. When the time has come, it will shattered into pieces with the schism it used to carry for a long time. So many times, it cried and plead but no one was there to listen. We hear it calling but we just continue to feast and recommence on what we do best; to form eternal conflicts. Indeed, closed and tangled minds arise in a convoluted world. People are filled with thoughts of complete confusion and disorder that caused chaos to one another. Things are in disarray as it continually shambles upon our whole being. We confined ourselves within ourselves. We couldn’t break free from confinement; restricting serenity and tranquility from entering our hearts. A close-minded nation of people having rigid opinions or a narrow outlook is surrounding us. There is no peace now. I’m really sorry to say. 

[thatsysabeld-blog]

The cold breeze hugged my skin down through my spine making me think for a second and continue to do what I do best; tear myself apart. I could no longer hear the sound of my music and the surroundings started to fade. It feels like I’m in an enclosed space, no object could be identified. Just me. Just the girl with her explosives. Breathe in, breathe out. Can I even handle this? Can I even endure this? If this world is such a nuisance and chaos is all that runs in everyone’s heart. If the dictionary only created the word related to pain and sadness that it is the only thing I could understand. I want to wake up in a dream full of clouds that could take me anywhere I go, away from the toxic world. I’m gonna burn all these azoic butterflies and let my wings spread freely. I’m going to fly and find that place where I could find me. And there, I will dream.

I’m just trying to get away from reality. (cause it sucks)

[thatsysabeld-blog]

Sa pagmulat ng aking mga mata, alam kong wala na tayong pag-asa. Kahit na pagbali-baliktarin ko ang pagkakasunod ng alpabeto, hindi mabubuo ang posibilidad na meron pang natitira. Sana ganun lang kadali para gawin ang mga salitang pilit kong pinapangako. Pero sa huli, ako na naman ang talo, gagapang upang umulit sa umpisa. Ang araw ko ay parang isang gulong –Gigising, maaalala, at luluha. ‘Di ko na mawari kung ilang patak ng luha pa ang iipunin sa dagat ng kasawian. Kailan kaya maiimbento ang bagay lumilimot sa mapait na nakaraan? ‘Yung tipong pagtapos ng masasakit na salita na pumapatay sa aking kaluluwa, titingin ako sa iyong mga mata na handang harapin ang umaga. Sana madali lang lahat katulad ng iyong mga binitawang salita na agad dumurog patungo sa aking puso. Bakit ganun, ang daling masaktan ngunit ang sugat ay matagal humilom. Hihintayin ko pa ba ang susunod na henerasyon para masabi kong ayos at buo na ako?  Pumitas ng mga bulaklak na ibibigay sa’yo ngunit sa paglubog ng araw ay nakatayo pa rin ako. Mga tuhod na nanlalambot, mga matang namumungay na sumasabay sa pagtakip ng ulap sa liwanag. Nalunod ako sa ilusyon na ang iyo ay mananatiling iyo. Nasaan ka na? Hanggang ngayon, hinahanap hanap pa rin kita. Sabihin mo lang na masaya ka na. Ipapako ko ang mga mata ko sa lupa at hindi na titingin pang muli sa’yo. Sabihin mo lang na masaya ka na. Susunugin ko lahat ng alaala pang natitira. Sabihin mo lang at puputulin ko lahat ng lubid na kumukonekta pa rin sa ating dalawa. Sabihin mo lang hanggang maubos at mapagod ang aking luha. Dadating din ang araw na

Wala na.

Tapos na.

Tama na.

Paalam na.

[thatsysabeld-blog]

It’s midnight, a great time to reminisce.There is an unexplainable feeling clinging onto my mind making me nostalgic. A collection of moments hidden under the stars but definitely not forgotten. Sometimes, it comes to your way in a fast stride and the memories will retaliate to where it all begun like evoking fond memories from the past touching you. It’s a bittersweet feeling tinged with sadness and happiness combined. I miss the old times and the old memories spent with the best people I’ve met in my life. Memories I could no longer bring back to how it used to be. Constantly asking if there’s a chance to have it once again. And yet, I’m wondering if I could get over to my attachments from the past that making me sad because I know things will never be the same again. But these memories made me feel a lot better. Thanks to all the happy times and the tough times. 

[thepersonalquotes]

[thatsysabeld-blog]

At the age of 5, I started to build a dream. A kind of dream where fantasy and impossibility barrel into one another. “Someday, I will be a mermaid and I will fill my sea with abundance of fishes.” I thought. I didn’t exactly know the definition of what dream really is. I was 5, young and naive. But as I brush my mermaid doll’s hair, I knew that someday I can reach the unreachable star and I can dream the impossible dream so I dream for more. Laugh at me but I also want to rule my own kingdom and a great warrior of my town. Sometimes, I dream of having superpowers to beat the bad ones and save the world from desolation. At the age of 12, I realized that these things are way absurd. However, I knew that the impossible can still be possible. Different types of unworldly dream that hold one worldly purpose: to help others. I may never be a mermaid, a ruler, a warrior, or a superhero but the eagerness to help others is what makes my dream possible. At the age of 15, I dream of becoming a lawyer someday. 

[thatsysabeld-blog]

I lean forward slightly, inhaling the scent of loneliness around me. I could smell the metallic railings similar to my blood plunging all over my body. I feel extremely anxious, making my mind frantic. The nerves inside me conducted a chaotic way which makes my mental state unstable and eccentric. Above me are stars blinking below the old trees waving each dried leaf towards north.  I’m standing in top of the darkness that enveloped my whole being. My lips, my hands, and my feet feel numb. Where am I? on the line between disappearing and remaining. Few minutes left, I will soon become a rock on the edge of the mountain. Once you reach the top, the ground will crack and everything above will fall over. And then the time will stop, no hours could defy and no seconds to count. In just a glimpse, the whole thing will be gone. Gone like that bird feather I hold once, a pure white piece that reminds me of my undiluted memories, plucked out of my hand by the perceptible natural movement of the air blowing from the north direction. But this isn’t officially over, I’m just about to start a new journey. A lost place where I have to find myself and be able to fix myself. I’ll come back. I’m just gone beyond repair.

[acutelesbian]

A lot of people ask me what my biggest fear is, or what scares me most. And I know they expect an answer like heights, or closed spaces, or people dressed like animals, but how do I tell them that when I was 17 I took a class called Relationships For Life and I learned that most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in it. That their lover’s once endearing stubbornness has now become refusal to compromise and their one track mind is now immaturity and their bad habits that you once adored is now money down the drain. Their spontaneity becomes reckless and irresponsible and their feet up on your dash is no longer sexy, just another distraction in your busy life. Nothing saddens and scares me like the thought that I can become ugly to someone who once thought all the stars were in my eyes.

[thatsysabeld-blog]

In bunch of people I have met, none would probably stay beside me. I guess it’s true that nobody’s going to hold my hand. At the end of the day, it’s just going to be me alone. Alone in a dark space filled with restless thoughts that later on would turn into empty mind. I know there will be a time where I would feel nothing, think nothing, and do nothing, where I don’t care anymore. I could feel how my heart is slowly turning into a cold stone. I’ve gone mad and unhinged. Maybe I’m just meant to become an empty figurine made out of porcelain. It can be beautiful and resilient, can be bright and colorful but then, it can be fragile under certain circumstances. No matter how beautiful the porcelain is, shatter is inevitable.

[thatsysabeld-blog]

My past is the only one who could kill me inside.

[thatsysabeld-blog]

If I told you who I really was, Would you turn your back on me? Would you stay away from me? Would you run and hide from me?

[thatsysabeld-blog]

Things are bad again.

[wordsnquotes]

It ends or it doesn’t. That’s what you say. That’s how you get through it. The tunnel, the night, the pain, the love. It ends or it doesn’t. If the sun never comes up, you find a way to live without it. If they don’t come back, you sleep in the middle of the bed, learn how to make enough coffee for yourself alone. Adapt. Adjust. It ends or it doesn’t. It ends or it doesn’t. We do not perish.

Caitlyn Siehl (via wordsnquotes)

[defineyourgrind]

[thatsysabeld-blog]

one thing i hate the most: attachments