ORGASM CONTROL vs DENIAL
A recent spate of asks and not so friendly dialogue over at @instructor144 blog left me thinking about these two distinct items (distinct in my opinion).
I define Orgasm Control as part of a D/s agreement where the sub/bottom agrees to seek permission before an orgasm and if yes, to cum as directed by the Dominant/Top. I seperate control from denial at the “no,” specifically at the length of time. To simplify it, let’s break control into short term, and long term as Denial. There are many reasons to use edge and denial (short term) control regimes with a sub/bottom –too many to delve into here.
Before you give consent to either orgasm control or orgasm denial, DEFINE the length of time for your understanding.
The example given for denial was in the 45 day range. I’ll use that as a kind time frame reference.
Okay, so let’s talk Orgasm Denial. Some may be seeking the lack of sexual desire or pleasure. I assume that’s self explanatory. But, in my experience, most Denial involves edging, usually repeatedly. The edged state is the state the parties involved are seeking.
Okay folks, time to get nerdy. Both edged denial and orgasm involve lots of brain chemistry and hormones. Now some of us have more complicated chemistry and hormones like being trans, pregnant, menopausal, prostate treatments, or any numerous endocrine issues, which will require additional thought on the part of those involved – well beyond what scraps of info I have to offer up.
Some of us humans have brains that just work better when inundated with higher levels of some of these chemicals and hormones. So we manage that with all kinds of things – pain, pleasure, food, thrill seeking, exercise, etc. Some brains actually function more to its owner’s liking when living in a state of Edged Orgasm Denial in a D/s context. But make no mistake, that state is an altered one. It is different from their baseline. [ Before anyone loses their shit, neither the term altered nor different means “bad.” ]
In the end, Edged Orgasm Denial is a kind of self regulation, like maintenance spankings (pain). Both require responsible, knowledgeable Dominants/Tops and consent from the subs/bottoms
I have one caveat that I’ll put out here. There is a difference between consent and informed consent. In medicine, informed consent means all other options are presented as well as all the risks of the preferred one. So in this case, if you’re looking to try to self regulate through long term Edged Orgasm Denial, I will tell you if it were me, or someone I loved, I would seek out a kink aware professional to learn all of the other options and any personal risks of long term Edged Orgasm Denial.
There ARE inherent risks with long term Edged Orgasm Denial. Specifically, the rebound effect when orgasm, ruined or otherwise, occurs. Many self report serious depressive episodes. So D-types, SSC requires you are prepared to deal with all effects, side efects, and risks before, during and after edges and orgasms in this kind of denial.
Now we all know shit happens and goes wrong in D/s. Life happens, bodies change, whatever it may be, there is a way to deal with it within the dynamic.
S-types are responsible for communicating needs to their D-type. D-types are responsible for providing for those needs. So in the context of Edged Orgasm Denial, when “something” goes wrong during the edge/denial regime, first decide if a meta talk can attempt to solve the issue or if you NEED to safeword and cum. Edged Orgasm Denial is not some extra special D/s thing. Safeword rules apply! As in, the safeword is used, then everything stops (in this case edge and denial) and aftercare is instituted after immediate health and safety has been assessed. Later, at an appropriate time, debrief and plan a way forward eother with or without Edged Orgasm Denial.
I have deliberately chosen to only focus on the physiology and none of the emotional, reparionship, or D/s reasons, motivations, or consequences. That doesn’t mean they don’t exist.
As in everything I type out here, this just my two cents on the topic. And you can take it for what it’s worth to you or leave it.
My only request is that you do not be so presumptuous as to assign negative motives or evil intent to me or my words if you find them deficient, clueless, or poorly chosen.
I can assure you, I am well aware of my privileged and blessed state if living. But publicly shaming me for my ignorance or hamhanded attemps at communicating does nothing to further my growth, equality, or the conversation.
Awesome post from @submissive-seeking.
I’ll just add two things.
First, as she mentions, denial and orgasms that come after that, etc. can have serious depressive side effects. (Or, with some people, manic ones - because I’ve been there and had that experience and it’s not fun.) So! If denial and edge-play is part of your dynamic and you’re someone who is on psychotropic medication for any sort of mental illness then please please figure out how the edge play and denial impacts the change in your brain chemistry from the medications.
If denial and edging is part of your dynamic every day and you know it’s not a part time thing or just going to be something you do for a little while or whatever… Then be honest with your doc about any mental side effects you may be feeling. If you do edge play and denial continuously then it’s going to change your mental baseline - which means your meds may work differently and/or need to be changed.
And be super aware of that when your doc makes any changes to your meds. Because adjusting and finding the right regimen is enough of a pain in the ass as it is. So altering your brain chemistry with a denial regimen can impact that as well. So just be careful!
Secondly, denial and edging regimens can have serious emotional impacts. As @submissive-seeking points out and alludes to, it can have impacts on your mood and brain stuff. Being in a constant state of edge-play and denial is, at least for me, like being on a constant high. Like it makes me ride the wave sooooo hiiiiiighhh. And I love it. But, at least for me, (and I don’t know how true this is for other people but I know, from my discussions, that many have experienced this as well) it makes me super emotional. It makes me feel emotionally bonded to the person I’m edging for. So I’m on this high - like I can feel it physically, emotionally, mentally… All from being told to edge and not being allowed to cum. And I love it. Until it ends.
Because in those relationships where denial and edging regimens were a huge part of my sexual dynamic when the relationship ended I came down from that high so hard. I lost the sexual high but I also lost the emotional high. And it dropped me into a depressive hole so bad that it took me months to climb out of. And I know for a fact (based on other relationships I’ve had) that if the denial and edge-play hadn’t been such an integral part of those relationships that the come down from the relationship ending wouldn’t have been so hard.
Just my two cents to add in here. Glad everyone is discussing so much about this. :)
