Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
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@the-colonel-rhodes
rhodey being the one to remove the infinity stones from tony’s body while murmuring “i’m sorry. so sorry. I’m sorry.” the whole time and keeping his suit on just in case the ruined suit turns itself back on to defend its dead creator and the stones he sacrificed his life for
Thankfully it was all just a nightmare……
The kids are trying to lick me….again.
@the-colonel-rhodes
I didn’t know this was an occurrence.
Which kids? Peter?
No….but don’t put thoughts into his head either!
Then who?
@oh-to-be-a-murderer
Can’t you just fly away?
I don’t think I should wear the suit all day out of fear of being licked, Tones.
The kids are trying to lick me….again.
@the-colonel-rhodes
I didn’t know this was an occurrence.
Which kids? Peter?
No….but don’t put thoughts into his head either!
Then who?
@oh-to-be-a-murderer
The kids are trying to lick me….again.
@the-colonel-rhodes
I didn’t know this was an occurrence.
Which kids? Peter?
No….but don’t put thoughts into his head either!
You're lickable
*sighs in old man* please don’t.
Hi Mr. Rhodes!
Peter! Hey kid, how are you going?
Good! How are you, sir?
I’m good.
Staying out of trouble, I hope?
Hi Mr. Rhodes!
Peter! Hey kid, how are you going?
🕶️ The Official “Shut Up and Listen” Guide to Talking to Fury Without Getting Yelled At 🕶️
(Because Let’s Be Honest, You’re Gonna Get Yelled at Anyway)
Alright, rookies (and experienced disasters alike), listen up. If you ever find yourself in the terrifying, no-nonsense, one-eyed presence of Nicholas J. Fury, congratulations! You’ve officially screwed up enough to warrant a personal lecture.
Or, you know, he just wants to talk. (Which is honestly worse, because if Fury wants to talk to you, it means he’s either planning something or preparing to ruin your day.)
But don’t worry, because your girl, Serena Stark, has mastered the fine art of not getting obliterated by Fury’s death glare. And now, I pass this sacred knowledge on to you.
Step 1: Read the Room
Before you even think about opening your mouth, take a second to assess the situation:
Is Fury pacing? Bad sign.
Is he standing still, arms crossed? Worse sign.
Is he taking off his sunglasses? Immediate danger.
Is he rubbing his temples like you personally gave him a migraine? You’re already dead.
If you see any of these signs, your safest move is to remain completely silent until further notice.
Step 2: Speak Only When Spoken To (Yes, Even You, Starks)
I know, I know—keeping quiet is physically painful for people like me (and possibly you). But unless you’ve got a damn good reason to say something, keep your genius commentary locked down.
Fury doesn’t do unnecessary conversation. Every word that comes out of his mouth is either: ✅ A direct order ✅ A warning ✅ A very important, life-changing piece of classified information ✅ A creative way of telling you how badly you screwed up
Your job? Absorb the information and DO NOT INTERRUPT.
Step 3: Keep Your Snark to a Minimum (Or at Least, Time It Right)
Now, I get it—sarcasm is a way of life. But this is Fury we’re talking about. He invented the “I don’t have time for this” attitude.
Some acceptable times to be sarcastic:
If he gives you permission to speak (rare, but possible).
If he’s already annoyed but not at you.
If you’re Tony Stark. (But let’s be honest, even he pushes it.)
Some BAD times to be sarcastic:
At the start of the conversation.
If he’s holding a file with your name on it.
If you’re already in trouble.
If you value your dignity and peace of mind.
Remember, Fury has infinite patience for world-ending crises but zero patience for your witty remarks unless you prove yourself useful first.
Step 4: Don’t Volunteer Information He Didn’t Ask For
Fury is not your therapist. He doesn’t care about your day, your weekend plans, or how “technically, it wasn’t your fault” (spoiler alert: it probably was).
If he asks, “What happened?”—stick to the facts.
BAD RESPONSE: “Okay, so first of all, it wasn’t exactly an explosion—”
GOOD RESPONSE: “The experiment destabilized, resulting in an unintended detonation.”
Translation: Less is more. The less you say, the fewer ways he can use it against you later.
Step 5: If You Mess Up, Own It (Before He Owns You)
Look, you’re going to mess up. It’s inevitable. But if Fury calls you out, the worst thing you can do is try to talk your way out of it.
Don’t shift blame. He already knows whose fault it is.
Don’t make excuses. It won’t save you.
Don’t argue. Fury doesn’t debate—he declares facts, and you deal with them.
A simple “Understood.” or “Won’t happen again.” will do wonders for your survival rate.
And whatever you do, do not say “technically.”
“Technically, it wasn’t my fault.” → Fury Death Stare Level 100.
“Technically, it worked before it exploded.” → Fury Headache Incoming.
“Technically, I had it under control.” → No, you didn’t.
Just take the loss and move on. Trust me, it’s the safest option.
Step 6: If You Must Speak, Make It Worth His Time
Fury has exactly zero patience for pointless chatter. If you have something to say, get to the damn point.
BAD: “So, um, about the thing that happened earlier—”
GOOD: “We contained the situation, but we need backup securing the perimeter.”
Fury doesn’t need a novel. Give him clear, direct, and useful information.
Step 7: Accept That You’re Going to Get Yelled At Anyway
Let’s be honest, no matter what you do, Fury’s probably going to yell at you. It’s just how he operates.
If you’re too reckless → You’ll get yelled at.
If you’re too careful → You’ll still get yelled at.
If you breathe wrong → Congratulations, you’re still getting yelled at.
At this point, it’s not about avoiding the yelling—it’s about minimizing the damage.
Bonus: What NOT to Say to Fury
If you enjoy living, avoid these phrases at all costs:
❌ “I can explain.” (No, you can’t.) ❌ “Well, technically…” (I already told you—NO.) ❌ “It wasn’t my fault.” (It was.) ❌ “Relax, I had it under control.” (Oh, REALLY?) ❌ “Are you sure that’s the best plan?” (Unless you want to be put on SHIELD’s watchlist.) ❌ “I read about this on the internet.” (You are now Fury’s biggest disappointment.)
Final Step: Survive & Get Out
Once Fury is done with you, leave immediately. Do not linger. Do not ask follow-up questions unless absolutely necessary. Just nod, turn around, and evacuate.
And above all else: DO NOT GIVE HIM A REASON TO CALL YOU BACK.
In Conclusion:
Talking to Fury without getting yelled at is an art. But even if you follow every rule on this list, you’ll still probably end up on the receiving end of the Glare™.
So just accept your fate, be smart, and for the love of science—don’t make it worse.
Now, go forth and attempt not to piss off the man who always knows more than you.
(Good luck. You’re gonna need it.)
tagging people who need this the most: @emma-hope-stark-official @peterparker-thespiderman @goddess-of-birds @strangeofficial @the-ironman @under0-0s
shoutout: @the-colonel-rhodes
You’re the only one on this list who might actually handle Fury correctly. Teach the rest of us.
Don’t forget: “Never hang up / decline a call from Fury.”
Me pre snap:
*and post snap
I don’t see a picture of post snap me up there
You’re still cute. But I couldn’t have 10 squares.
Uh huh?
It wouldn’t have been a good square, Tony. But tbh every look you have could fit it one of those squares.
Flatterer
It’s the truth Tony!
It was the truth
Was**
I agree with the kid, ‘is’ is the correct term.
Well you guys are both wrong
I am a rocket scientist, I literally can’t be wrong
As am I. I built the suits
Two against one, you lose
Booo!
You say boo because you know we are right!
Me pre snap:
*and post snap
I don’t see a picture of post snap me up there
You’re still cute. But I couldn’t have 10 squares.
Uh huh?
It wouldn’t have been a good square, Tony. But tbh every look you have could fit it one of those squares.
Flatterer
It’s the truth Tony!
It was the truth
Was**
I agree with the kid, ‘is’ is the correct term.
Well you guys are both wrong
I am a rocket scientist, I literally can’t be wrong
As am I. I built the suits
Two against one, you lose
Booo!
You say boo because you know we are right!
Me pre snap:
*and post snap
I don’t see a picture of post snap me up there
You’re still cute. But I couldn’t have 10 squares.
Uh huh?
It wouldn’t have been a good square, Tony. But tbh every look you have could fit it one of those squares.
Flatterer
It’s the truth Tony!
It was the truth
Was**
I agree with the kid, ‘is’ is the correct term.
Well you guys are both wrong
I am a rocket scientist, I literally can’t be wrong
As am I. I built the suits
Two against one, you lose
Me pre snap:
*and post snap
I don’t see a picture of post snap me up there
You’re still cute. But I couldn’t have 10 squares.
Uh huh?
It wouldn’t have been a good square, Tony. But tbh every look you have could fit it one of those squares.
Flatterer
It’s the truth Tony!
It was the truth
Was**
I agree with the kid, ‘is’ is the correct term.
Well you guys are both wrong
I am a rocket scientist, I literally can’t be wrong
Me pre snap:
*and post snap
I don’t see a picture of post snap me up there
You’re still cute. But I couldn’t have 10 squares.
Uh huh?
It wouldn’t have been a good square, Tony. But tbh every look you have could fit it one of those squares.
Flatterer
It’s the truth Tony!
It was the truth
Was**
I agree with the kid, ‘is’ is the correct term.
*appears with a coffee in hand* staying out of trouble, I hope?
@the-colonel-rhodes
(OH MY FUCKING GOD, HIIIIIII RHODES-mod)
*he looked up from fixing a watch of his, escape (Pina Colada song) playing in the background* trouble? Me? Your standards are very low of me
*I snort softly with a gentle smile on my face before taking a sip of coffee and walking closer*
You’re right, you’ve never done anything that’s gotten you in trouble before.
//HI TONYS MOD
Exactly! Thank you, for finally coming to your senses. I deserve more respect from you. *smirks*
-mod)
*takes another sip of coffee before looking at the watch*
Have you run out of time, Tony?
for what?
*gestures to the watch you are repairing* watch, time, joke, you know, haha?
I thought it was pretty good, myself.
Oh yeah *he Snickers. he's a little... dull sometimes when he's working. speaking of working he goes right back to it, grabbing a screwdriver* what time is it anyway?
*throws a knowing smile once I see Tony going back to work*
It’s 6:35. How long have you been in here?
AM or PM? *he asked, not looking back at Rhodes yet*
*he paused* ....it's already sunday?
It’s already Sunday Buddy. Are you not feeling tired at all?
Nope. *he lied. Ya know. Like a liar.*
*raises eyebrow and takes a long sip of coffee*
*he went back to fixing his project then paused to grab his own drink. He was still baffled that it was already the next day....*
What have you been up too?
Well, for some reason Pepper and Happy were watching old footage from when I thought Peter was your biological kid, so I’ve been busy staying away from them.
Otherwise, not much; you?
*appears with a coffee in hand* staying out of trouble, I hope?
@the-colonel-rhodes
(OH MY FUCKING GOD, HIIIIIII RHODES-mod)
*he looked up from fixing a watch of his, escape (Pina Colada song) playing in the background* trouble? Me? Your standards are very low of me
*I snort softly with a gentle smile on my face before taking a sip of coffee and walking closer*
You’re right, you’ve never done anything that’s gotten you in trouble before.
//HI TONYS MOD
Exactly! Thank you, for finally coming to your senses. I deserve more respect from you. *smirks*
-mod)
*takes another sip of coffee before looking at the watch*
Have you run out of time, Tony?
for what?
*gestures to the watch you are repairing* watch, time, joke, you know, haha?
I thought it was pretty good, myself.
Oh yeah *he Snickers. he's a little... dull sometimes when he's working. speaking of working he goes right back to it, grabbing a screwdriver* what time is it anyway?
*throws a knowing smile once I see Tony going back to work*
It’s 6:35. How long have you been in here?
AM or PM? *he asked, not looking back at Rhodes yet*
*he paused* ....it's already sunday?
It’s already Sunday Buddy. Are you not feeling tired at all?
Nope. *he lied. Ya know. Like a liar.*
*raises eyebrow and takes a long sip of coffee*
*appears with a coffee in hand* staying out of trouble, I hope?
@the-colonel-rhodes
(OH MY FUCKING GOD, HIIIIIII RHODES-mod)
*he looked up from fixing a watch of his, escape (Pina Colada song) playing in the background* trouble? Me? Your standards are very low of me
*I snort softly with a gentle smile on my face before taking a sip of coffee and walking closer*
You’re right, you’ve never done anything that’s gotten you in trouble before.
//HI TONYS MOD
Exactly! Thank you, for finally coming to your senses. I deserve more respect from you. *smirks*
-mod)
*takes another sip of coffee before looking at the watch*
Have you run out of time, Tony?
for what?
*gestures to the watch you are repairing* watch, time, joke, you know, haha?
I thought it was pretty good, myself.
Oh yeah *he Snickers. he's a little... dull sometimes when he's working. speaking of working he goes right back to it, grabbing a screwdriver* what time is it anyway?
*throws a knowing smile once I see Tony going back to work*
It’s 6:35. How long have you been in here?
AM or PM? *he asked, not looking back at Rhodes yet*
*he paused* ....it's already sunday?
It’s already Sunday Buddy. Are you not feeling tired at all?
*appears with a coffee in hand* staying out of trouble, I hope?
@the-colonel-rhodes
(OH MY FUCKING GOD, HIIIIIII RHODES-mod)
*he looked up from fixing a watch of his, escape (Pina Colada song) playing in the background* trouble? Me? Your standards are very low of me
*I snort softly with a gentle smile on my face before taking a sip of coffee and walking closer*
You’re right, you’ve never done anything that’s gotten you in trouble before.
//HI TONYS MOD
Exactly! Thank you, for finally coming to your senses. I deserve more respect from you. *smirks*
-mod)
*takes another sip of coffee before looking at the watch*
Have you run out of time, Tony?
for what?
*gestures to the watch you are repairing* watch, time, joke, you know, haha?
I thought it was pretty good, myself.
Oh yeah *he Snickers. he's a little... dull sometimes when he's working. speaking of working he goes right back to it, grabbing a screwdriver* what time is it anyway?
*throws a knowing smile once I see Tony going back to work*
It’s 6:35. How long have you been in here?
AM or PM? *he asked, not looking back at Rhodes yet*
