a Todd Solondz film

DID & trauma side log {body is 23} generally a collection of notes to selves

[dickssociation]

finally starting to use the url we've been hoarding 4 millenia 2 further our years-long hyperfixation on a disorder that we're still in a state of off-n-on denial abt having!

follow @the-dollhouse-system 4 info & rants abt DID - asks & inbox r open ♡

[bathroomcube]

why is the best DID representation in media always accidental. the moment they try to do it on purpose its just the evil alter trope again but the moment theyre not trying its like wow. how did you manage to get that accurate accidentally?

[bathroomcube]

this is actually true for a lot of neurodivergencies, schizophrenia, autism, adhd, ocd, bpd, npd, i could go on. but like. its a theme.

[the-dollhouse-system]

I think this actually says something very powerful about how labels now carry more stigma than expressed symptoms themselves.

I'm not sure when this shift happened, but it was certainly spurred by contemporary pop psychology. I have a theory that the dehumanization and demonization of explicitly-identified neurodivergent characters is also linked to the explosive trend of true crime media in recent years. Once people have a name for something, or someone, that is conceptually foreign to them, they begin to mythologize it. Schizo-spec, DID, and Cluster B PD's in particular have are being mythologized and woven into dramatic narratives over and over again. The "scary" ones, the ones that seem entirely unrelateable, and inhuman, are a lot more fun for people in search of escapist entertainment.

So why can people address symptoms and experiences so holistically when those diagnostic labels aren't attached? Because these are human experiences. These aren't great divides in our species, they're subtleties in perception and behavior that can resonate far beyond the confines of some alienating disorder. Our experiences are not only our own.

There are overlaps, synchronicities, and blurred lines between all of us. Hallucinations do not require schizophrenia, dissociation does not require DID, compulsive manipulation certainly does not require BPD. So when a character is written as a person, instead of a patient, we will find that they feel a lot like us, or like someone we love, or like a past life, or like home. When the personhood of a character is prioritized, symptoms and their expression may still be alarming, or unsettling, or bizarre, but they do not carry the terror of the named unknown.

The "accidental" appearance of symptoms may actually be accidental, simply a coincidental combination of traits. Or the creator might've intentionally based the character's lived experience off someone they know, or themself, without the fanfare of a diagnostic announcement. Either way, the authenticity of the human experience is better preserved.

[the-dollhouse-system]

Research Bank of DID Studies & Summaries (WIP)

Neuroscience

Aiding the diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder: pattern recognition study of brain biomarkers - Volume 215 Issue 3

Structural, biological markers of DID, brain imaging compared to a non-DID control group "simulating" DID/systemhood

Smaller hippocampal volume has been reported in several stress-related psychiatric disorders, including posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

Effects of DID on the hippocampus & amygdala, MRI scans

PDF | Little has been known about the possible brain changes in the patients suffering from the psychiatric illness called Dissociative Iden

Brain changes in DID, limbic system changes in relation to trauma, neuropsychiatry, infographics

Stanford scientists identified brain circuitry that plays a role in the mysterious experience called dissociation, in which people can feel

Neural circuitry involved in dissociative states, inducing experimentally with ketamine & optogenics

“I Am Not I”: The Neuroscience of Dissociative Identity Disorder

Freud-hating, evidence-based article on trauma, biomarkers, DID, and effective treatment methods

Disputes

Google Scholar

"Logical fallacies" of DID as a valid diagnosis, iatrogenicism, written by members of the False Memory Syndrome Foundation, followed by responses. Academic pettiness at its finest.

Google Scholar

[blueboyluca]

“When I first heard it, from a dog trainer who knew her behavioral science, it was a stunning moment. I remember where I was standing, what block of Brooklyn’s streets. It was like holding a piece of polished obsidian in the hand, feeling its weight and irreducibility. And its fathomless blackness. Punishment is reinforcing to the punisher. Of course. It fit the science, and it also fit the hidden memories stored in a deeply buried, rusty lockbox inside me. The people who walked down the street arbitrarily compressing their dogs’ tracheas, to which the poor beasts could only submit in uncomprehending misery; the parents who slapped their crying toddlers for the crime of being tired or hungry: These were not aberrantly malevolent villains. They were not doing what they did because they thought it was right, or even because it worked very well. They were simply caught in the same feedback loop in which all behavior is made. Their spasms of delivering small torments relieved their frustration and gave the impression of momentum toward a solution. Most potently, it immediately stopped the behavior. No matter that the effect probably won’t last: the reinforcer—the silence or the cessation of the annoyance—was exquisitely timed. Now. Boy does that feel good.”

— Melissa Holbrook Pierson, The Secret History of Kindness (2015)

[reimeichan]

On Identity

The other day, I saw someone talk about struggling with their own identity outside of “someone with DID” or “a person with trauma”. And that got me to thinking… what even is identity in the context of those of us who are a system? Individual alters may have their own sense of identity, sure, however they find that identity. But is there a system identity? And not like…. just in the sense of “we’re part of this system”, but like…. a whole, overarching identity that feels like “me” that the whole system feels, if that makes sense?

And what even makes up an identity? I’ve heard of people saying things like, favorite color or favorite food, but that feels incredibly surface level. But things like race, age, and class also feel too limiting. Or rather… I don’t like putting the focus on those things as my identity. It’s a part of my identity, yes. But not really the whole story?

The sense of “me” is kind of weird for people with DID and trying to differentiate how that feels from alter to alter is hard to articulate. And I’m sure no two systems even conceptualize identity the same way. The sense of “me” vs “not me” is both nebulous and distinct. And is there maybe some sort of an undercurrent of “me” that’s prevalent throughout all the alters in my system?

I think I can pretty confidently say, yeah. There is definitely a sense of “me” that seems present in every single alter in this system. I can’t really spell out what that “me” is, but I think it’s there. And as the days go on that sense of identity, of “me”, not as a part but as a whole, gets a little bit stronger.

Maybe this is what it means to be less dissociative. Maybe this is the beginning of what healing looks like for me.

[the-dollhouse-system]

Don’t see this addressed much, which is odd since I’d think it would be a universal concern for systems. At least it has been for us. We spend quite a bit of time on it.

I think the best way we’ve found to approach the question of who “We” are is by treating the “We” like an institution. It’s finding common threads of beliefs, values, and behavioral patterns. Integrated systems work democratically, finding who we are in the averaging-out of all these things.

We do a lot of journaling. It’s the only effective means of communication we have. When someone raises a question, whether it’s requesting consent to do something, or how something makes each of us feel, or even something more existential, it brings clarity to who we are collectively. There are almost always outliers, and issues of morality often take some ironing out, but essentially “We” are the tally of the votes. Then again, when one alter is front-locked, internal communication is distant or disorganized, and everyone else is lodged firmly back in the subconscious, that sense of “We” becomes murky.

As an isolated & unhappy child, we used to spend hours taking personality tests online. It felt nice to know what fruit someone thought you’d be based on answers to silly questions. It was oddly comforting, although I didn’t understand why. I’m still on the lookout for anyone who remembers Quizilla so I can prove to myself that it existed. Anyway, as I got older and less isolated, dedicating an alter to popularity’s sake, I started receiving feedback from people who weren’t my parents, (ie. people I could trust). I hung on every word that was said to me about how I behaved, how I looked, how I made others feel. One of us probably still remembers all of it. It made us feel so whole to hear big generalized statements about who I was, or who I was to them. I still use external feedback as the most powerful metric of who we are when that “We” is so unbearably hard to self-identify. I have people in my life now who know us, are known by us, love us, and are loved by us. They know us not as a mess of pieces, but as an entirety. That’s our anchor.

[symptoms-syndrome]

When will we, as a society, move past the idea that victims and abusers are two discrete, mutually exclusive categories of people.

[the-dollhouse-system]

Being a victim of abuse doesn’t make you a good person. Realistically, it just makes it harder. Those who are abused are more likely to abuse, and it takes a long time to unlearn what you’ve been taught. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle, and cycles will resist every effort to break them. But even with resistance, they can break.

Acknowledging the influence of your trauma, reflecting on your own patterns, and relearning how to treat the world around you is one of the most fulfilling things you can do. You’ll need to fight tooth & nail, but knowing that you’re kinder than everything that’s ever hurt you feels so much better than accepting yourself as a product of it. Please keep reminding yourself that the pain you were forced into does not entitle you force pain onto others. It does not entitle you to neglect friendships or manipulate relationships or disregard your mistakes. It doesn’t entitle you anything, except the feelings you hold and the opportunity to heal. It’s so much work to recover, and progress isn’t linear, but it’s the only thing that can bring you true peace.

Knowing that you could look your abuser in the eye and say, with all honesty, “I am nothing like you” sets you free like nothing else can.

[pluraldeepdive]

System/Plurality Experiences SURVEY!

Hello everyone! I’m hosting a casual survey for systems of all types. The purpose of this survey is to look into the diversity of plural experiences. I’m also interested in seeing if there are any common similarities/differences between DD-related plurality and DD-unrelated plurality! It’s fully anonymous. The results can also be viewed here and here!

Please take the DD version if your system/plurality is connected to one of these dissociative disorders - (P)DID, OSDD, UDD, MPD, DDNOS. Take the non-DD version if your system/plurality has no connection to those!

DD Version: https://forms.gle/QBGkp2Lpngwd63nx6

Non-DD Version: https://forms.gle/DxPK9ewg6Zfzo9yV9

Please signal boost this if you can! Share the link to systems who you think would be interested. I’d love to get as many responses as possible! Thank you!

- Sunflower

[deviant-writes]

if your plurality is dissociative but nonclinical which would you take?

[pluraldeepdive]

If you don’t connect your system/plurality to any of the specified dissociative disorders, you should probably take the non-DD version. Thanks for asking!

- Sunflower

[pluraldeepdive]

The Spectrum of System Experiences

This survey is a part of my project to showcase the diversity of systemhood. I'm collecting personal experiences to display in a big, online

This is the initial survey for my project to spread awareness about the diversity of systems! Please consider taking it or reblogging! More info under the read more.

It seems like a lot of people were interested in this project so I decided to take a stab at it! Creating a huge collage of personal experiences would be a really cool way to spread awareness but of course I need to collect personal experiences from the community, first.

I decided to start small and focus on a few topics that I think are often misunderstood or overlooked: nonhuman system members, introjects/fictives/factives, and fragments. Even if you don't experience any of these, please consider checking out the survey! There are still a couple questions that anyone can answer.

Now, about the project... I'm thinking we have two routes here. It can either be a website or a full on e-magazine. If it's a website, maybe it can be like one of the layouts below?

Regardless, I can only make this project with the help of the community. Please consider taking the survey!

[system-of-a-feather]

So around when we were 12 or 13 I think we wrote a letter to our "older selves" as part of a school project time capsule for our 21 year old self. I opened it over a year ago and pretended I never read it because a capsule capturing the genuine innocence and unawareness and simplicity of the views of the horrors that were going on then - the optimism and best wishes for the worst things to continue, unaware of how bad those things were and how bad it would have been should they have gotten what they hoped for - it was far too much to actually look at

It felt like the physical embodiment of a flashback, a haunting reminder of the past written from a child that still and currently exists frozen in my mind.

Other than the moment I read it, I think this is the first time I so much as acknowledged the existence of the letter I burned physically and digitally.

But it had me thinking. If a letter from the past self that still exists frozen in time could have such a painful impact on us, what could a genuine letter from the future selves do for our past selves that still persists in our life.

The curse of DID is that the past lives frozen in us, but the blessing is that for those pasts the future also lives in their lives. I can tell "the old" mes and the scared children what will come, what will keep us alive and what will let us grow. I can tell them everything I needed to know and to hear. I can answer a lot of their questions because I am their future, I have lived what they fear and that is the opposite coin to us being haunted by the past.

Our system is, in theory, having some of our oldest parts popping around beyond the dissociation horizon I can see beyond and honestly, I think I might fill a message in a bottle and send it out to them from their future. Let them know things are okay now. Let them know they learn to live and that the life they learn to live really aint that bad.

They deserve to know they will live and thrive.

[informationsorter]

*Please let me know if reblogging is inappropriate and I will remove it.*

[subsystems]

Is there scientific evidence of DID beyond self-reported symptoms? Yes! There’s a lot, actually! Let’s go over the most exciting ones.

DID has biomarkers in the brain! This means that DID changes the brain structure and this has been observed through neuroimaging [1].

These structural changes and neural networks in the brain are very similar but also distinguishable from PTSD [2]! This supports the leading theory that DID is on a continuum with PTSD.

An algorithm was able to spot the difference between healthy brains and brains with DID with up to 73% accuracy (which is significantly higher than what was expected) [3].

Alters have also been observed through neuroimaging! When a DID system switches, different alters activate different neural networks. Even in studies where multiple brain scans were done months apart, the same alters still activated the same neural networks [4].

We have scanned the brains of both people with DID and healthy people instructed to “roleplay” DID and found that the healthy people do not show the same neural networks when roleplaying alters [5].

What this all means: DID is real. I don’t think anyone following my blog doubts that, but having this info is important in spreading awareness and combatting stigma (especially the stigma in the psychiatric field). DID is not something that people are just reporting to experience, it has an observable and distinct impact in the brain.

Keep reading

[i-need-to-remake-my-blog]

But if your caregivers ignore your needs, or resent your very existence, you learn to anticipate rejection and withdrawal. You cope as well as you can by blocking out your mother’s hostility or neglect and act as if it doesn’t matter, but your body is likely to remain in a state of high alert, prepared to ward off blows, deprivation, or abandonment. Dissociation means simultaneously knowing and not knowing. 

- Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. (The Body Keeps The Score)

[verdantmeadows]

Does anyone have any posts or articles about alters being integrated or intentionally getting rid of alters and the concept of it being the same as murder/it's the same as killing a ""real"" person?

Not a post/article or something that says that's wrong or right, just something that explains the concept of the idea or concept of the debate/argument existing

Or a post/article that explains the concept of alters "dying" or if alters can "die" or be "murdered" or the concept of integration in a system and if that's the same as an alter "dying" or being "murdered"

And also any posts on the concepts or related concepts are helpful as well

[sysmedsaresexist]

:c

[verdantmeadows]

(replying to the tags) I just want posts or articles on this so I can research the topic, the same way you could research ""regular""/murder between one individual body to another body. However more with this, because I don't know as much about how it works within a system. I guess it's for a philosophical/thinking purpose in the same way you might read a philosophical paper or book on something absolutely horrible for the sake of learning or developing and forming opinions.

[sysmedsaresexist]

That's actually valid

Still, so much murder

:c

[the-dollhouse-system]

First post on this sideblog - been lurking for a while but it's almost impossible to incorporate such specific DID content into our BPD blog. I don't have an article or previously-written post to cite, since I typically gravitate towards clinical research & couldn't find any that specifically address intentional internal death.

That being said, my therapist has been working with DID clients for well over a decade, and keeps up to date with her research extraordinarily well. When I asked her an iteration of the Murder Question, she explained that "killing" an alter, permanently silencing & disabling them, isn't technically possible. That which exists in the subconscious exists symbolically, not literally. Without permanent brain damage, effectively an ultra-precise partial lobotomy, which would still effect other aspects of a person's functioning, completely killing off a segment of one's brain is impossible.

What would be possible is to force an alter into an indefinite state of dormancy, essentially a coma. This could, theoretically, be performed symbolically by another alter, but as innerworld activity is nothing but visual rationalizations of the subconscious, it would actually be a function of what the entire system needs to survive. That means one function of identity & the self would be put on hold, but could be "resurrected" at any given time to reassume its assigned duty as the brain sees fit.

As opposed to the intentional banishment of a particular alter, helping them to understand their place in the system will always be healthier. Remember, every alter was created for a reason & every alter is a part of you. Even if that reason seems malicious, masochistic, maladaptive, harmful, your brain had some reason to believe that it would keep you safe at some point in time. Not just you, but all of you. That which seems malignant often needs re-healing. Focus on redeeming persecutors, whether they're the ones threatening murder or under threat of being killed. Unifying the system to a point of core functionality often starts with them.

Something else to note, since I've heard it infrequently mentioned, is the possibility of one alter symbolically "killed" by another in an act of sadism, rage, or purification, who then "reincarnates" into another form. Obviously, again symbolically, this radically & violently transforms an aspect of the self into another form. The core identity of that alter remains intact, but they may take on the appearance of something else, a ghost, an angel, a dog, to represent a change in how the whole self views its part. I would think that this generally falls in line with how that particular alter is treated within the system, if not externally as well.

Last possible alternative is fusion, or re-absorption. While most think it's impossible to fully reintegrate all parts back into a single identity, "fragments", or semi-formed, half-baked, unarticulated pieces of alters that splinter off of the pre-existing ones often don't last too long in a system before the brain recalibrates and simply adds those newly-learned or newly-adapted traits back into the already-integrated system from whence the splinter came. So in a way, this could be looked at like an Athena-esque birth & death, I guess.

Source for Persecutor & Fragment descriptions here (w their own sources listed @ bottom of page)

TLDR; no, literal death doesn't exist in the figurative headspace

-Aluna