Its me again. Using tumblr to vent and scream into the void.
The last two years have been incredibly rough on me. Last year I had my first real heart break. I mean it legitimately broke me. I had panic attacks so bad and often that I had to go on fmla. To be quite honest I still think about the guy every now and then and will forever love the asshole despite the shit he did to me.
Fast forward to this year, 6 months after the break up I'm still struggling to be ok and get over him. Then I meet this other guy who I've now been with for 6 months. So, I've gotten over the heart break but still lowkey miss him.
Well, I decide to try to give cosmetology a try and move to another town. That lasts all of 4 months before I realize I have to move back home because I'm not making enough money to afford it. Plus, I quit cosmetology because I learned it wasn't for me.
Then my momma passed away. It's been 2 and a half months and I still don't know what happened. We're still waiting on the autopsy results. So my momma, who is THE only reason I made it out of last year, is now gone. Idk what to do. Its fucking hard. Random little things remind me of her and I lose it. Like I can't hear Amazing Grace ever again because 1. She used to sing that to my brother and I when we were little and 2. We played it at her funeral.
And now we come to a few days before Christmas where my baby, my cat Zozo has gone missing. Its like what the fuck is going on that the world legit won't give me a break. I've tried praying. My whole family is Christian so I've tried praying multiple times. I BEGGED God all day to not take my momma but he did. I've pleaded with him to bring my baby back but it seems he wants to take them both from me. My only two emotional supports are gone. Im still hoping Zo will come home. Im just so exhausted my guys. Plus, my step dad has already moved on. Like matching tattoos with some woman moved on. Im hanging by a thread. Yall I try to be a tough cookie but I just can't anymore. I'd give anything to have my mom and cat back. I'd rather live 2019 over and over again and have my momma and Zozo back than to be going through this. I'd rather go through every single one of those panic attacks again and to have hear my momma say "I love you sissy" and have my Zozo all in my face trying to cuddle me than to be as empty and depressed and hopeless inside as I am now. As gross as it is I can barely get myself motivated to shower as often as I should.
I just keeping asking my momma to watch over Zo and keep him safe and lead him home. Cause God I know that if heaven is real thats where shes at. I just can't lose them both. But it seems as though thats whats happened.
I'm exhausted.
