no longer an ED blog (hooray for recovery!! this shit is hard man) still a vent blog. potential sh tw. lots of narc-posting. if you think narc abuse is real,get the fuck off my blog
So I know it's "scary" and "disturbing" and "uncomfortable" to see someone else experiencing symptoms of schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder or psychosis in general, but can y'all just for one single moment, try to imagine what the person actually experiencing it is feeling and going through?
Because I guarantee their fear and discomfort and emotional distress is greater than your distress from witnessing it
What would you do if you were scrolling through recommended tumblr posts and one was from someone you don't know and it was just a picture of your dad captioned "fucking hate this guy" and it had hundreds of notes
its probably a normal sign for the economy that all of my adulthood fantasies are like "imagine having your own kitchen living room and bathroom to decorate" "what if i could get on a train" "maybe one day i could purchase a sturdy pair of shoes" "i should save and invest in a single bicycle"
Boo hoo i'll be able to add more physical storage to my phone and be able to change out batteries if they degrade as well as all these other optional features I won't have to touch
I love how they add totally absurd things no one is asking for to make the idea look crazy. And still, I must emphasize, failing to make this look like a bad idea.
"Is this what you want? Is this ugly stupid bullcrap what you want??" the biggest loudest idiot in the room asks, holding up a picture of the hottest looking shit I've ever seen
sometimes having parents is just like. I am the worst of both of you, because of you, and neither of you are ever going to forgive me for it. and then you just have to live with that.
gaining your ed back unintentionally after you've already done the work to mostly unlearn all the actively self-destructive shit that made you want the ed the first time/s around kinda sucks ngl
we just moved back home the day before yesterday and our grandmother really hasn't even been that bad recently during our visits since we moved away or since we got back Wednesday but istg if our ex(ish)-persecutor protector doesn't stop being a dick to her and picking pointless fights she's gonna go back to how she was before and it actually is gonna be our fault this time
I'm having a great time (the last like week and a half has made me feel kind of insane but I'm so close to the border of a manic episode that I'm genuinely kind of enjoying it)
spent like four days badly feverish living off shitty snack food in the dorm occasionally getting high with my fiance, got the cops called and almost got caught + arrested for the weed, lied to the cops while badly feverish and insanely high, spent three hours the next day talking my fiance down from a crash after a manic episode/lowkey playing suicide watch for a bit (immediately after watching The Long Walk for the first time, btw.), then have spent the four days since wasted with him basically 24/7, all as we're both failing out of college the actual worst it's possible to fail
all also while dealing with like one new split (&) per week, sometimes a little more or less, which is still kinda new for us since we used to have such a high split tolerance
but I'm hitting the point where my crashout is feeling kinda cinematic though so at least I kinda feel hot while I'm doing it
like yeah I'm a burnt out almost certainly bipolar stoner soon to be college dropout but my ass is fat my fiance is great and I have a sick ass trench coat so likeee. could be worse.
got a little too introspective during our time in the autism fort and gained divine insight into and understanding for the psychological workings of our OG (also current main) persecutor lmao
sometimes things will be going really smoothly for a while and I'll forget that both us and our partner system/fiancé are extremely mentally ill and traumatized with all the Symptoms and Episodes and triggers and communication issues that come with that. and then we'll end up eventually crashing out at the same time and shit will hit the fan and it's like fuck ok. we are actually two* borderline psych ward cases and the fact that neither of us has killed each other or ourselves or panicked and tanked this relationship on a whim yet is a fucking miracle. but when we've run into issues like that thus far we've done really well with being able to sit down with each other and figure out what's going on and why we're each upset, where the misunderstanding happened, whatever. and at the same time that it stresses me the fuck out when it happens bc yk, conflict on a traumatized nervous system tends to do that, it's also kind of reassuring each time to think the world's basically ending only to find out over and over again that whatever terrible thing I think is happening can be resolved and come back from and it doesn't have to mean I lose every good thing in my life
- broke down sobbing out of absolutely nowhere for like 3 minutes only to start laughing hysterically immediately after for literally no reason, then stop and go back to chilling with our fiancé and our friend like nothing happened
- rearranged our entire dorm including redoing the beds the LEDs and all the wall art
- got second degree burns from a hot glue gun
- made a $70 order online we definitely did not have the disposable funds to buy
