My mom was raised by witnesses; but was not oneā¦ā¦.
She was told she could never get pregnant by multiple doctorsā¦ā¦.
My father already had a middle years teenager and did NOT want more kidsā¦ā¦..
My father (according to my mother) told my mother that she had to have an abortion or he was leaving; for above stated reasonsā¦ā¦ā¦
Abortion was out of the question; again for above stated reasonsā¦ā¦.
My mother NEVER wanted kids; let alone me, an AFAB personā¦ā¦
When I found her after birth diary, she was raw with the burdensome feelings that she felt about me and her daydreams of what life would be like if she was still with my fatherā¦ā¦.
She would tell me she had āchildrenā (although my brother never cooked/cleaned; in either of his parents households) āto have someone to clean for her and take care of her when sheās older; because why else would you have children ā
She resented me and made little attempt to hid it; except when I excelled more than her friends kids, then I was ācelebratedā; I was a āgiftedā kid with a āhigh IQāā¦ā¦..
And I know if I think hard enough, I can remember glimmers of affection, but I never know if those moments were for showā¦ā¦
When I was pregnant with my eldest, I was 19, my family wasnāt supportive and I was finishing college and working 2 jobs; my now husbands work had just lost a manager and a 3 manager store was expected to run through Christmas with only 2 managersā¦ā¦ā¦
Things were stressful and my not yet realized ocd traits of intrusive thoughts was in over driveā¦ā¦
So I was weighing all pregnancy options and running out the scenarios for each and then made the mistake of vocalizing this to my mother; who got angry, said it wasnāt an option either her or my nana would raise my baby and it would stay in the family (this was such a horrifying moment)ā¦..
NONE of the women in my family talked to me about pregnancy and being pregnant, AT ALL, other than my mother telling me I stuck my feet between her ribs; which my eldest also didā¦ā¦
I didnāt know these feelings of fear about motherhood were normal and when I tried to talk about them I was met with hostilityā¦ā¦.
So, when I had my abortion/miscarriage/abortion, I had to lie to my mother and nana about the events leading up to me ālosingā my pregnancyā¦ā¦
And again I went through this emotional time, with no support from the women in my family because of fear; whilst also preparing to be married and losing an uncle to cancerā¦ā¦..
There was no open grief, no grief for the loss of a possible life, no joy for a union, no emotions from the women in my family; just forced smiles and politeness as we push forwardā¦ā¦ā¦.
