My mom was raised by witnesses; but was not one…….
She was told she could never get pregnant by multiple doctors…….
My father already had a middle years teenager and did NOT want more kids……..
My father (according to my mother) told my mother that she had to have an abortion or he was leaving; for above stated reasons………
Abortion was out of the question; again for above stated reasons…….
My mother NEVER wanted kids; let alone me, an AFAB person……
When I found her after birth diary, she was raw with the burdensome feelings that she felt about me and her daydreams of what life would be like if she was still with my father…….
She would tell me she had “children” (although my brother never cooked/cleaned; in either of his parents households) “to have someone to clean for her and take care of her when she’s older; because why else would you have children “
She resented me and made little attempt to hid it; except when I excelled more than her friends kids, then I was “celebrated”; I was a “gifted” kid with a “high IQ”……..
And I know if I think hard enough, I can remember glimmers of affection, but I never know if those moments were for show……
When I was pregnant with my eldest, I was 19, my family wasn’t supportive and I was finishing college and working 2 jobs; my now husbands work had just lost a manager and a 3 manager store was expected to run through Christmas with only 2 managers………
Things were stressful and my not yet realized ocd traits of intrusive thoughts was in over drive……
So I was weighing all pregnancy options and running out the scenarios for each and then made the mistake of vocalizing this to my mother; who got angry, said it wasn’t an option either her or my nana would raise my baby and it would stay in the family (this was such a horrifying moment)…..
NONE of the women in my family talked to me about pregnancy and being pregnant, AT ALL, other than my mother telling me I stuck my feet between her ribs; which my eldest also did……
I didn’t know these feelings of fear about motherhood were normal and when I tried to talk about them I was met with hostility…….
So, when I had my abortion/miscarriage/abortion, I had to lie to my mother and nana about the events leading up to me “losing” my pregnancy……
And again I went through this emotional time, with no support from the women in my family because of fear; whilst also preparing to be married and losing an uncle to cancer……..
There was no open grief, no grief for the loss of a possible life, no joy for a union, no emotions from the women in my family; just forced smiles and politeness as we push forward……….
