My Series of Events

And she lived happily ever after

[the-quasimom]

Hey.

I have so much to catch up on.

[the-quasimom]

I really need someone right now.

I have no one I can trust to talk to about this.

Everyone loves my husband so much they’d blow it off or tell him or side with him.

Backstory:

When I was younger, 21 or 22, a boyfriend I lived with trapped me in our home, blocking doorways so I couldn’t leave rooms, hid my purse with my keys and phone charger so I couldn’t leave. It was terrifying and I left him after that. (He had also shown violent tendencies that night by slamming a child’s fold up chair on the floor and breaking it because I wouldn’t kiss him)

Several days later he showed up at my work and caused a scene, he was so angry his mouth was practically foaming.

Today:

Noah and I got in an incredibly stupid fight-we’ve struggled to get along all weekend, but it really came to head today over some papers. He asked where they went, and I said I didn’t know, I would take care of it. It turned into an argument because he wanted to know right them, but I could tell it was a large assortment of things and I would have to go through each one. He refused to actually let me see them, so I stomped away, he threw them away, which highly upset me because I know some of them were sentimental-our girls letter’s to the tooth fairy, for example. I stomped back over and yelled, “Why do you always have to do this?” And he yelled something back so I left the room and went to sit in the bathroom, against the door, to calm down. He came in a squished me between the door and bathtub to get in. I got up and tried to leave the bathroom. He blocked me from leaving, said he wanted to talk. I was becoming more and more hysterical because I was trapped. I tried getting around him several times and he moved to block me each time, then pushed me back and said if you want to fight we can fight. That’s when I snapped. My whole body was tremoring, I ran to the corner and got at small as I could, screaming and shaking. I was terrified. I finally got away and ran, whole body still tremoring downstairs. He followed. The screaming and shaking started again. He talked about our earlier argument, asked if he needed to take me to the doctor-never asked what he did to cause it. I explained what happened with ex. He made a small apology. Made it about himself-if I thought he would hurt me our marriage wouldn’t work, etc. He never had nor would he ever lay a hand on a woman, etc. I just didn’t say anything, because he thinks squishing someone between a door and bathtub and pushing them isn’t laying a hand on them. He never was overly concerned about how he made me feel, only how I made him feel in regard to him physically hurting me. How offended he would be. I had a breakdown in front of him because of his actions and he’s worried about himself being offended. Am I wrong here? Am I not seeing his side? Please help me.

[the-quasimom]

I have a feeling I’ll be posting a lot more now. There is so much to digest.

I’m typing with a warm cup of tea, however, I have had a few glasses of wine-so keep all that in mind, for whatever it’s worth.

Our visit was nothing short of amazing. 

I wish I knew where to start but the anxiety of my past has me rethinking and replaying every little detail looking for clues of deceit and double-cross. Sounds wild and totally paranoid, I know, but you don’t know Hammer and Ratchet and the shit I went through or the way Monkey was when it all ended. 

I still have a very long, very awful, 3 year old unread text from her. I managed to screenshot it without reading it and send it to my best friend, who warned me under no circumstances should I read it. Monkey reiterated that sentiment tonight. I’m starting to get curious, but resisting and instead trying to focus on the good-of the visit, of the life I’ve built since.

I was coming down off the high of her being here slowing at first, but am now falling at a rapid rate. It’s late here, no one is awake to talk to, to process through it all-I know, I looked (FB messenger for the win)-I’m trying hard to remain focused here, typing into the unknown, hoping one of you sweet souls will understand the plethora of mixed feelings I’m having. 

Let’s focus on the good, and not the feelings past trauma brings:

She’s amazing. I’ve obviously kept up with her as best I could, but she looks different in person than she does in pictures: she look just like the Monk I know except matured-and healthy. So healthy. 

I’m stupid proud of what she has achieved and what her goals are. It’s impressive for someone who’s 20 and went through all she did. She is rising above with no excuses and kicking ass to become a BOSS. Can y’all say DOCTOR?! 

We talked about everything. We cried, we laughed, we were embarrassed, we reminisced. 

I hope it wasn’t the first and last. I hope it was real. I hope it’s a new beginning. 

My head is spinning. 

[the-quasimom]

Monkey will be here in 3.5 hours to have dinner.

[the-quasimom]

Like, do I wipe down the baseboards or what? Cuz that’s where I am with this.

[the-quasimom]

Monkey will be here in 3.5 hours to have dinner.

[the-quasimom]

I’ve talked to Torch several times since we got together and it’s been nice.

Small talk, a text here or there, but it feels really nice to say “we’ve reconnected”.

I’m not looking to be his parent, he doesn’t need that anymore, he’s an amazing and successful adult. I just want to be friends.

I’m so damn proud of him.

[the-quasimom]

Buckle Up

Hammer remarried in February.

She left in April.

I found her last week.

We’re getting coffee today.

He told Bolt I was trying to steal him.

Bolt is now so introverted from lack of socializing and only playing video games that he can’t form sentences and rocks when he talks. At 15.

Help me help him. I don’t know what to do.

[the-quasimom]

He’s engaged again.

[the-quasimom]

I saw Torch today.

Not just saw.

Had a very nice, and relatively long conversation. He updated me on his life and I am so happy for him and so proud of him.

I invited him to dinner and said I hoped we might be able to be friends.

Life is good and God is great.

[the-quasimom]

Buckle Up

Hammer remarried in February.

She left in April.

I found her last week.

We’re getting coffee today.

He told Bolt I was trying to steal him.

Bolt is now so introverted from lack of socializing and only playing video games that he can’t form sentences and rocks when he talks. At 15.

Help me help him. I don’t know what to do.

[the-quasimom]

Headed to the chapel today.

[the-quasimom]

@have-f-a-i-t-h-inmomma

[the-quasimom]

Reblogging so its easier to find again. Mmmm.

[somanyofthekids]

[the-quasimom]

This. Is. SO. Cool.

[the-quasimom]

I have a friend with close ties to our school board.

Unofficially, our schools will soon be affected by COVID-19.

Many of our private schools and colleges have already announced online only classes until further notice but most-likely until end of school year.

The affect this will have on working parents is astronomical and I can’t even begin to guess what the public school system will be doing for the kiddos who cannot self-teach online.

[autisticjoy]

idk what it is about sitting in chairs and having both feet on the floor but it’s so uncomfortable and awful and i’ll never willingly do it if there’s literally any other option

[slothhands]

SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS

[the-quasimom]

Something I never thought I’d do...

Were working up the guest list, and a lot of y’all have become good friends even if it is through the interwebs-if any of my fumblrs want to make a road trip in June, send me a message or text and I’ll make sure I get you an invite.

Y’all have been with me through the worst and best of times and I’m truly thankful for what you’ve contributed to me becoming who I am today.

All my love to you.

[the-quasimom]

I haven’t told everyone yet, and we can’t publicly announce for a minimum of a week because it could maybe affect a big career move I’m making, but surprise!

[i-walkbyfaith]

If you’re getting tired of loving people or perhaps tired of trying to love them, go back to God who is love. Ask for His love to always take over. And let His love and strength renew you and empower you to do His will.