thebaristawrites

Not your average cup of joe 

[thebaristawrites-blog]

My thoughts on Sex.

I was born in a religious conservative country. Religion was taught in school and everything that had to do with genitalia, sex, or anything to do with the nether region of the body is considered bad and unsociable. Long story short, SEX is taboo. 

The stigma around SEX has been perpetuated by the Catholic church. In a country that is run by its religious beliefs certain things have been taught to children. A few of these are:

no sex before marriage.

sex in unholy outside of marriage.

sex is a means of reproduction and not pleasure.

These things listed down made me realise how convoluted this way of thinking is. No wonder SEX is seen as something to be shameful about. This is especially true when you are female. Sexuality is another taboo subject but let’s discuss that another time. 

Growing up, it was always been implied to me that pleasure down there is wrong and shameful. I could remember my mother, who caught me masturbating in my bedroom, furious about it. The punishment I had for that has been handed down everyday for years, immediate physical punishment and humiliation to anyone who would listen. I was an adolescent, my hormones were raging. I learned that it was wrong. Not that I didn’t do it again, it has been a source of pain, shame and guilt for years. It is a natural part of growing up but I was traumatised, whenever I feel pleasure down there, I get a headache, after sex I am wracked with guilt and disgust with myself. I am still healing from that experience.    

I have a problem with the sex ed in my country, well, the lack thereof. I had my younger sister once tell me that if she finds out I’m having sex and I’m not married to stop considering her as my sister. It was a blow that I wasn’t expecting. She went as far to say that sex is bad. It’s so f*cked up the damage done by these teachings. Sex is normal. It’s part of being human. Birth control and awareness about sexually transmitted diseases should be taught and not being ashamed of being human. I feel like religion should give bodily autonomy back to their congregation. Their body, their choice. Education on preventative measures in pregnancy and STDs over forced abstinence.  

[thebaristawrites-blog]

The Polyamory Double Standard

Polyamorous  /ˌpɒliˈam(ə)rəs/  characterized by or involved in the practice of engaging in multiple sexual relationships with the consent of all the people involved.

My open-mindedness had exposed me into diving deeper into this type of relationship. I’ve heard about it at work and it surprised me how my workmates, even the older ones just seem to accept it at face value. They try to understand the logic of it. But working in the courts as long as they have, I’m quite positive they’ve heard of worse things. 

Being a newcomer to the company and the line of work, not to mention coming from a conservative and very religious country, it honestly, surprised me how casually it was brought into the conversation. I came from a country where the casual mention of sex is rare and discouraged. It is only spoken in whispers, even behind closed doors. 

Sex is a very taboo topic and even being seen with a guy, could ensure chaos. Now, imagine polyamory brought into that scenario. I daresay a riot of the devout would definitely happen. 

The idea of monogamy has been around for ages. It is the idea that societies strive to achieve. I point out the word strive. Strive because more often than not this is not the case. Cheating is rampant in today’s world, to be honest? It’s been around since the inception of monogamy. Now, this is going to have a turn to being sexist. This is your warning. 

Most men like the idea of polyamory. They often see it as peak masculinity. On the other hand, only some women entertain the idea of it. This is where it gets a little complicated. Most men don’t like, let me rephrase that. Most men abhor the idea of women having more than one partner at a time. They see it as disgusting. See, how unfair it is? They have that double standard and no matter where you are in this world it is present. 

Honestly, if you really think about it, for practical reasons a polyamorous relationship is a way to go. I’ve heard of a group who just bought a house together and it lessened their financial burden. But if the double standard is present, I never see it working out. If polyamory is a way to go, women shouldn’t be restricted in the relationship. There shouldn’t be a double standard. If men want that type of relationship they should be ready to give their partners the same freedom they give to them. That’s just how relationships work, it’s a giant chain of giving and taking. If they’re not ready to take that into consideration, then it shouldn’t cross their mind at all. 

thoughts?

-A 

[thebaristawrites-blog]

Vice

I have to let go, 

I hope you understand,

The marks of your kisses on my skin,

Is too much for me to bear.

Your tiny chuckles sometimes feel like stabs to the heart,

And the heavyweight of your eyes on me,

I can’t handle it anymore. 

And that smile, don’t get me started.

You are too overwhelming, 

Your touch makes my heart skip a beat.

You are vice to me, 

And as much as I need to,

I know I can’t let go of you.

-A

[thebaristawrites-blog]

SOULS

I was never yours and you were never mine,

We were just two souls lost in time.

Although our moment together was short,

I am sure, 

I was never meant to be with you, 

and you were never meant to stay. 

-A

Coffee Suggestion: Soy Mocha 

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ASHA

My breath hitches and I feel unhinged,

Your eyes on me watching my every  reaction to your  touch,

You smile,

I inhale deeply before watching your eyes light up.

It’s beautiful how my body reacts to you,

How it knows the feel of your touch,

How it tingles at your kisses,

How your chuckle ignites something in me.

I am also terrified of you,

The way you make me feel,

The way I am so happy in your company,

I feel like someday soon it is going to be over.

And I’m gonna miss you,

Like how I miss the rain when the sun is shining.

-A

[thebaristawrites-blog]

Physical

Your lips on mine,

You Trail soft kisses on my shoulders,

Your hands on my body caressing my skin.

Your eyes boring into mine.

Our breaths becoming laboured.

My hands in your hair.

My heart beats twice as fast,

My skin tingles,

You wrap your arms around me.

A kiss on my forehead,

You pull me closer,

I close my eyes.

This physical attraction is not enough for my heart that has already fallen.

Coffee suggestion: Vanilla Almond Latte

Yours,

-A

[thebaristawrites-blog]

My Truth

I'm penning this to help you understand how difficult it is to live when your mind is against you. I have struggled for a long time. I have a history of  hurting myself and of suicidal thoughts ever since I was 12. Recently, I have been convinced to seek help and I did. These appointments have given me hope that things can change and I can get better.

However, the stigma in my culture have kicked me down deeper into the abyss. You see, there is a stigma present in Filipino Culture when it comes to mental health. A stigma that should not be there, a stigma that prevents thousands of Filipino youths to speak up and ask for help. This stigma has also caused a lot of deaths that could have been prevented.

I tried sharing my struggles and pain to my family. I was shut down almost immediately. My family is as traditional as filipino families are, conservative and family first. Appearance matters most of all. I guess this is why acknowledging that a member of the family is suffering from mental issues is something they are so afraid of. I tried to tell them that I have a weekly doctor’s appointment. You see they rather think that I was pregnant or have STDs than acknowledging the real reason of my visits and that is what they told me. 

I have tried raising this up through the years, while I was doing my Bachelor’s, when I graduated they all told me the same thing. It is all in my mind they said.

But here I am screaming at the top of my lungs that it is not. It is not all in my mind. It is a real and solid thing that I am genuinely struggling to deal with. If it was all in my mind then I wouldn’t have the need to ask for help.

So this is my truth, I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I am very fortunate to have been able to have friends who convinced me to ask for help. Friends who made sure I showed up to my counsellor appointments and doctors appointments. I also have been fortunate enough to be in a country where they have taken concrete steps in preventing suicide and alleviating mental health issues.

Unfortunately, I do not have the full support of my family. Mental health issues are still taboo to them.

But right now it is enough for me to have my little brother supporting me in my struggle. I have reached out to him in my moments of weakness. He had stayed on the phone with me even if he could only hear my sobs. He often reminds me that it’s okay not to be okay.

I am not penning this for attention. I am writing this to raise awareness. Mental health issues are real and prominent. These issues affect most of our youth.

Moreover, I am writing this to ask for understanding and patience. People who are struggling need it. People who are suffering need your kindness. Dealing with depression is not easy. Not all the people who go through it comes out alive. Be kind. Show compassion. (Sheryl Balansag, 2018)  Everyone is fighting a battle we know nothing about.

[thebaristawrites-blog]

empathy

Empathy is a curse.

The way you feel every strong invading emotion of others. It clouds your mind and overloads your senses. The way it affects you and strikes a nerve. The way you feel it in your pores oozing out like pus from an infected wound. It is a tiring process but I have learned to live with it, somehow.

-A

[thebaristawrites-blog]

HELLO

Profound heartaches,

So many words left unsaid.

Regret laced into every syllable of a simple hello.

A fearful goodbye.

All the things I wanted to say now lay in the spotlight,

Under the microscope,

Why did I want to say this?

Why didn’t I say this?

As I lay in bed my thoughts so loud,

Your promises an echo from long ago,

Your cries my refrain,

A distant memory of the things that was once mine.

Now it has come to this,

A simple hello in a busy street downtown,

Your arms around another,

Your lips formed in a smile that was once for me.

But are now for her.

Coffee Suggestion: Almond Vanilla Latte

- A

[thebaristawrites-blog]

Yes, I’m single.

All of a sudden I feel okay. I feel like I have gotten to the point where I have accepted that it wasn't meant to be. I have accepted that my ex boyfriend has a new girlfriend. I have accepted that yes, I have failed my unit in Statistics. I have been bruised, broken, and taken advantage of by people I thought cared for me. In my lowest state of being I have believed words and did not bother to see through façades. I have gotten my heart broken further, almost ground finely like pepper. I have given chances to people who did not deserve it.

After all that I went through these past two months, I'm still alive and breathing. It's difficult to believe, but I'm happy. I feel like I have gotten to where I was meant to go. I finally saw my worth and not in the stares of guys and/or their praises like I used to.

I realised it in the way I acted, in the way I thought, the way I always seem to be so critical and practical. I saw it in his awe of me when he told me I was brave. I believed it. I didn't want to at first, but then I saw how much I've grown. I hold myself a little differently now. I hold my head a little higher. I have finally learned to stand up for things I believe in and I honestly think that's beautiful. I have finally found who I am and I now know the way to where I want to be. I will never compromise that again for a boy who is afraid of the full wrath of my mind. I deserve better and one day I will find exactly that.

Yours,

A

Coffee Suggestion: Hazelnut Soy Latte

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[thebaristawrites-blog]

Take me away

Dry my tears and take me away from here,

Let's take the road less travelled and go somewhere where neither you and I exist,

Where no one knows us,

Somewhere where our past does not haunt us.

Take my hand and promise to not let go,

Keep your hand in mine as you lead me to somewhere where my hearts stops breaking for those people who thought they knew me.

Let's just leave everything behind and be brand new.

Hurt,

Scarred,

But happy and alive.

Coffee Suggestion of the day: Caramel Flat White

Yours,

A.

[thebaristawrites-blog]

This is me letting go

When you’re not the first person I call when I feel down,

When I don’t tell you the little things I do during the day,

When you don’t find me where you usually do,

This is me letting go.

Notice the stale way I am acting, 

the way my words no longer convey the same affection,

the way my eyes stray too far away,

this is me letting go.

This is me tired,

now unafraid of being alone, 

this is me unaffected,

by the little things you do to break my heart,

This is me letting you go.

Coffee Suggestion of the day: Large Vanilla latte 

Yours,

A.

[thebaristawrites-blog]

Chocolate Brown

In bed right beside you, my head on your chest and me staring right into your eyes. 

I can describe them in a thousand different ways. There is softness there, like that of a child. It was as if the world had not tainted you but it already had. It is evident in the hint of worry in the corners, the way you blink back thoughts I would never know. But still, my heart soars when I see the little wonders underneath your lashes. A similar colour to freshly made hot chocolate, your irises of chocolate brown. 

Yours,

A.

Coffee Suggestion for the Day: Hot Chocolate with Almond Milk (served warm)

[thebaristawrites-blog]

Caffeine Misadventures

The world is running on coffee.

This is the thought that runs through my mind as I enter another rush hour in the coffee shop I work in. The aromatic brew that drips from the machine and the sound of the milk frothing in the background. 

My order screens fill up with lattes, cappuccinos and the occasional double expresso. I did a double take. There are these random thoughts and words that fill up my mind as I brew up the magic elixir that helps people function. They are such revelations to me and I keep telling myself to remember them. 

Hopefully, they will be revelations to you as well, random reader. 

Enjoy. (Hopefully between sips of an almond vanilla latte)

yours,

A.